The L Word
Under Pressure…Of Love (Ask A Guy)
caris, 19 from California writes...
I really care about my boyfriend, and I'm almost positive I love him. We are kind of in a long-distance relationship right now (he lives about two hours away) and we had both just gotten out of long-term relationships when we met in September. Because of this, I feel like he may be afraid to get too close to me, considering he was (and still probably is) trying to get over his ex. He'll text during the day, but not a lot like I would prefer and they're usually spread out pretty far. We talk once a night, sometimes not even that, and it's really starting to take a toll on me. I feel like I like him more than he likes me, which is something that has NEVER happened to me before. However, I know it's probably not the case because he's told me he likes me and cares about me a lot. We haven't said "I love you" yet, even though we've been seeing each other for around seven months. Is he just guarding his feelings? Will he loosen up a little once he sees that I genuinely care for him? Should I tell him I love him first? Thanks!
Daniel says...
Here's the key to getting a handle on your situation: settle down! You're practically smothering the guy and, in the process, probably making him wonder if you're really the one for him. He may very well be afraid to get too close to you - your expectations for a casual dating relationship already exceed the expectations of many more established relationships and it's possible that he fears that he will be even further constricted should he actually enter a formal relationship with you. For starters, you bemoan the fact that he only texts you periodically throughout the day and does not constantly text you. You also seem to express frustration at the content of his messages, too.
Many teenagers these days view texting as a "normal" form of communication. Remaining in constant contact and communication with your significant other can sometimes be viewed as stressful, not to mention constricting. If he spends his entire day trading messages with you, then when can he get other things done? It is important for people to spend time with other friends and family members and it is rude to spend that time constantly clicking away on their phone.
You have a similar outlook on phone conversations; not every couple speaks on the phone hourly, several times a day, or even once each day. Some people are more amenable to talking on the phone than others and your boyfriend's particular preferences are something you need to keep in mind - both before you start dating someone and as long as you plan to be in a relationship with him. If your boyfriend doesn't particularly care for talking on the phone, then forcing him to do so borders on cruel and places your relationship in an awkward position. You can only force someone to behave differently than their natural behavior for so long - pushing too much for too long will eventually cause a revolt of sorts.
As far as "I love you" is concerned, you can certainly say something to him, but you would be better served by laying back and seeing how things develop once you've backed down on the pressure for a little while. If you loosen up a bit, your boyfriend may realize you really are the person he wants to be with.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, admitting your feelings, the l word