Sincerity
Guys Can Be So Mean! (Ask A Guy)
Flower, 21 from United States writes...
Hey, Daniel, I'm feeling kind of hopeless at the moment, so I really hope you can help me. Since high school most of the guys I've known seem to think it's fun to mess with my head and my emotions. They act like I'm some new toy to play with and then when I'm of no use to them anymore I'm back in the pile - metaphorically. It's nothing sexual, but I'm afraid it will get to that point one day and I'll finally break down. How do I get more respect from these guys? I'm a quiet, shy girl so they think it's fun to mess with the shy girl and I can't take it much longer. I can't tell which guys are sincere anymore. Help?
Daniel says...
First thing's first - hang out with a different crowd. If this is a regular, borderline-systemic thing that guys are doing to you, then there must be a common thread among the guys. Without a doubt, not all guys behave this way; I'd even go so far as to say the vast majority of guys would feel badly about treating a girl that way. What is most likely happening is there are one or two guys who are treating you this way and "all the others" are merely piling on because they are pathetic enough to want to look cool to these other guys.
Start hanging out with other folks and just be yourself. If you're a little quiet, then there's no reason to change that. The right guy won't be intimidated by your shyness and will instead see it as a challenge - to get to know you better. Smile when folks talk to you and be friendly, but there's no reason you need to drastically change the way you behave...just avoid the folks to who do make fun of you and hang out with others.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, sincerity, mind games
Now He’s Interested, Now He’s Not (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 22 writes...
Hi Daniel,
I miss the archive section by the way.
Anyway, I have a question: There is this guy I have liked for ages (I know him through work). I live in a different state now. At the time, I never really thought he was interested in me and that was fine. When I was moving states for work I figured it would help me move on and forget about him because I still liked him but had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't interested. The problem is that he started hitting on me before I left - at a friends birthday and an email after I had moved amongst other things he said. I have been home once since I left and he hit on me again when we caught up at a group get-together.
I got excited so I emailed him when I got back just to simply say it was good to catch up. He replied and I replied back again but nothing else has happened since. I am due back home again at the end of October and because of the last time I saw him I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I am not really sure what to do next, if anything. I don't think I was imagining him hitting on me - he had his arms around me and said things like "don't leave" and to email him, etc. I am confused because on the one hand I feel like he is interested and then on the other I am not sure. Granted, we are in different states but at first I was emotional about moving and at the time and didn't really trust the suddenness of his flirting. I don't know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt or if he is just being manipulative because he thinks I like him and he gets an ego boost. If I see him when I go home in October I will just keep thinking about him and never move on.
Daniel says...
For starters, the archive page will come back eventually and you'll no longer be limited by a certain number of days, as was the case with the old system. Once the new archive method is integrated, you'll be able to read all the old Ask A Guy articles! These things do take time, though, and I appreciate your patience.
Now, on to your question. It is certainly understandable that you would not have succeeded in getting this guy out of your head. His sudden flirtatiousness was ill-timed and such that it was impossible for you to determine his real motives. At this point, you need to make a decision. Considering your recent move (and resultant distance from this guy) are you interested in trying a relationship with him? Would you rather just keep things platonic between the two of you? Or if he threw himself at your feet would you want to give a long-distance relationship a try? I'm not sure how far away you live, but it sounds as though visits home are possible, albeit for an indeterminate cost.
If you would be willing to give a relationship a shot, then you need to open up and try a little harder to keep things moving between the two of you. Just because he doesn't respond to an email doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to you. Send him another "hi, how are you doing" type of email and make sure to talk about things or ask questions to which he will respond. It could simply be that your last email did not contain enough material to necessitate a response. If you send him an email that seems obviously in need of a response and he doesn't do so, then you can assure yourself that he isn't interested and move on.
Set up a chance for the two of you to get together when you are home in October and see how he reacts. If he wants to get together, he won't mince words and his interest will be clear. If he doesn't, then he'll hem and haw about needing to check his schedule and afterward take a considerable amount of time to bet back to you. It is certainly possible that his flirting began simply because you were leaving and he figured that if he made a fool of himself he wouldn't have to worry because you would be gone fairly soon. But the fact that it has continued (even on a relatively light scale) even after your move bodes well for his interest being genuine.
If he kicks the dirt too long, though, be prepared to move on. Fortunately, you are quite a distance apart so moving on is as simple as just not communicating with him and not letting him know when you're going to be home. If necessary, you'll be over him in no time..
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance relationships, sincerity
“Time” For Some Respect (Ask A Guy)
Ariel, 20 from California writes...
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for eight months. We've had our ups and downs but have always worked it out. Up until about a month and a half ago he was talking about how he wanted to move in together and even hinted at proposing. I asked his mom about it and she confirmed that he was going to. But lately he's been blowing me off. In the last month and a half his phone has gone off in the middle of the night, he's been blowing me off for his friends (that I'm really not fond of), and hasn't been texting me nearly as much. Last night he invited me over and when I got there he wasn't there. I don't have a key so I had to wait an entire hour. And then before I went to work today he asked me if he could have 40 dollars for his gym membership and said he'd see me after work.
Well, I gave him the money and he totally blew me off. Every time I've confronted him about my frustrations he'll just say "I'm sorry," "I'm a dumbass," or "I love you" but he never explains himself and just says that I have no reason to be upset and that he doesn't feel like listening to it but he loves me and promises to do better. Sometimes he'll even cry. And he never looks me in the face when I express my feelings. I've been giving him his space and even that hasn't worked. I love him, but I don't know what else to do. I don't get how he went from wanting to get married to acting like he's just not that into me. What do I do?
Daniel says...
This is nothing short of crazy. Your boyfriend has backed you into a position in which you have to buy his time and affection. And even after you do that, he still blows you off! This guy must have nerves of steel. What's more, he refuses to even discuss the situation with you. On top of that, leaving you outside his place for over an hour shows he has absolutely no respect for your time. Then saying you have no reason to be upset and not discussing it further, he is essentially saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and that's all there is to it." That's arrogant, stubborn, and impish and indicates that he is not serious about openly discussing issues with you and instead just wants to have his way - regardless of how incorrect or unfair that is to you.
If you can't sit down with your boyfriend and have an honest discussion about concerns and problems you're having, then are you really in a relationship at all? "I love you" and "I'm a dumbass" are neither acceptable apologies nor do they actually address an issue. And crying is only effective at making you feel bad for him. Look at all the ways in which you have completely changed your behavior in attempts to make this guy happy and he remains unwilling to compromise with you. Compromise is essential to a happy relationship. Sure, it means you aren't getting everything your way all the time, but relationships are about being happy. If you aren't happy in a relationship and you're giving up some of your goals or dreams for a relationship at the same time, then what do you really have? In my book, it sounds more like you have one person taking advantage of their partner - someone who trusts them.
Give this guy the boot. He doesn't respect you and you deserve better.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, sincerity, respect, apologies
Is He For Real? (Ask A Guy)
rachigal, 25 writes...
Hi Daniel,
I met a nice guy about a week ago. We talked on the phone before our initial meeting. I am wondering what's on his mind, because when he first saw me he got very excited and wanted to be all over me. It kind of made me uncomfortable! A few days later we went on our second date. He said he likes me a lot, he likes my body, and wants me to be his girlfriend (I like him, too). He just surprised me today on the phone when he said, "I love you." Is this guy serious or not?
Daniel says...
I don't think it matters too much whether or not this guy is serious because the message he is sending is not a good one regardless of how serious he is. Let's assume for a moment this guy is serious. In this instance, his initial reaction to you (excitement, wanting to "be all over" you) is understandable because he was probably pleasantly surprised by how attractive you are. Perhaps he has online or blind dating experience in the past and has been let down when the girls were not as attractive as he anticipated. But, to go from being pleased by how attractive you were to telling you he wants you to be his girlfriend to telling you he loves you in a matter of a single week is a little crazy. This says to me that he commits to quickly, is prone to rash judgments, and doesn't think things through before acting. This could also mean he's very difficult to get rid of should you lose interest in the relationship. None of these character traits are terribly desirable in a relationship.
Now let's imagine he isn't serious. In this case, he has a funny way of showing it, but he's playing you in an attempt to get you into bed. Based on your interaction he somehow decided this was the best way to win you over and proceeded to butter you up by lying, manipulating, and doing whatever it would take to get in your pants. This is far from a decent thing to do and it indicates a willingness to play fast and loose with the truth and a "win at all costs" mentality.
I'm not sure which of these situations is worse, but I personally don't think either sounds very desirable.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, sincerity, getting to know you
Date Mistake Number One (Ask A Guy)
anonymous, 25 writes...
I went on a date recently and when we were waiting to order I had to go to the bathroom. So I went and by the time I got back the guy I was with had ordered what he wanted and grabbed us a table (we went to a fast food place - I picked it.) That left me to pay for my own meal. I brought it up with him afterward in a subtle, tactful way. He said he was very sorry, that he didn't think and then spent the entire date saying he couldn't believe he hadn't offered to pay and felt horrible. He said he'd buy me dinner another time to make up for it. In fact, he wouldn't stop going on about it and apologizing the entire date. So, my question is, do you think this is something I should be wary of? I mean from a guy's P.O.V. do you genuinely think he's sorry or do you think it's just a good act? To me he seemed genuinely sorry and he has arranged to see me again so I presume he may keep to his word?
Daniel says...
As I see it, this guy made a mistake. Certainly it was a relatively big one for a guy on a first date, but if we all wrote people off for making a mistake early in a relationship, then none of us would ever be with someone for longer than a couple of dates. This guy appeared to be sorry, seemed sincere about it, and made sure he was going to make it up to you by scheduling his chance to do so. At this point, you do not have a sufficient basis to know whether or not he is sincere. The important thing is he sounds sincere and at this point, it's impossible to gauge his true sincerity.
Go on another date with him. If he makes an egregious error or "forgets" to pay again, then you have reason to avoid going out with him. But don't judge this guy until you've at least given him a chance to make up for this one seemingly minor mistake. Just have fun and see where things go. He may be a very nice guy who was just excited to be going on a date with you and nervous to make sure he acted naturally. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a nervous or uncertain guy made a fool of himself in front of a girl he liked!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, second chances, sincerity