Sex
Give Me A Break! Please! (Ask A Guy)
Sandra, 20 from Louisiana writes...
Sometimes I would really love to show affection beyond a quick peck and a hug to my boyfriend without leading to sex but I don't know how. Every time we start kissing, he thinks it means I'm hot and ready to go....he even tells me "I know you want me, or you wouldn't be this affectionate." And this isn't me stripping or grabbing him to lead him, these incidents occur when I could be dressed in frumpy clothes and just wrapping my arms around his waist for a few kisses. I don't know how to tell him without offending him; he always retorts with something like "well, I'm sorry I'm attracted to you" in a sarcastic voice or he thinks that I assume he doesn't put any meaning into our sex. Sometimes he backs off for a little while but then starts up again and I have to keep rebuffing him over and over or give in. I'm tired of either having to avoid touching him too much unless I also want sex, or steeling myself up for the ensuing struggle just to get some innocent romance. It's not that I don't enjoy our sex, I just don't want EVERY encounter to be sex and I would just like to occasionally enjoy a loving, tender, romantic kiss.Daniel says...
Whenever someone lies, it usually reveals a lack of confidence or a feeling of inadequacy in someone. It's not uncommon for someone to gloss over, overstate, or misrepresent details of their childhood or life experiences. For whatever reason, this makes them feel a little better about themselves and manages to hide something about them they may find embarrassing. The fact that your boyfriend's lying approached a compulsive level indicates a seriously dysfunctional personality. He either feels woefully inadequate, amazingly embarrassed, or both. Lying sometimes also makes people feel "cool" or edgy - feelings that help them feel better about themselves. The most telling aspect of this situation is the fact that the person he was supposedly the closest to (you) didn't even get to see the real him. So did anyone? It's doubtful. Your boyfriend's lack of self-confidence will be his undoing unless he figures his stuff out and starts living his life rather than someone else's.Tags: sex, ask a guy, communication, romance
16 Year Olds Don’t Say “Fornicating” (Ask A Guy)
Lindsay, 16 from Florida writes...
My mother is a strong believer in sex AFTER marriage and I think it's fantastic to save first intimate stuff like this for your spouse. But she thinks couples should marry young because there is less of a chance of them fornicating. I strongly disagree. I don't think marriage should be rushed for the sake of virginity. I think young couples marrying too early and who aren't mature enough is what leads to high divorce rates. I'm not saying a couple can't get married at 19 and have a successful relationship but I don't think they should feel obligated to if they aren't completely ready.
I wanted to know other people's views on what both me and my mother believe and not necessarily with a religious outlook.
Daniel says...
Great question, Lindsay. Your mom is right about one thing: sex is safest within the confines of a trusting, loving, committed relationship. Obviously, marriage is (or at least should be) the definition of all of these things and it is impossible to argue that sex after marriage is not valuable, productive, and even fun. The most perplexing thing about your mom's statement is that she basically says couples should rush into marriage. She is essentially saying kids are in a race to beat sex down the aisle to the altar and if they don't get married soon enough, they will give in to their carnal desires and wind up in bed together. If you don't have the self control to wait to have sex, then getting married in order to be "proper" about sex won't accomplish anything. Marriage is a careful, thought-provoking decision that cannot easily be undone and should not be taken lightly. A happy marriage is one of the most rewarding things someone can have in life, so don't take any of this as an indication that you shouldn't pursue marriage. But there is something to be said for waiting until you feel the time is right for you to get married. Keep in mind that marriage is not only an emotional commitment; it is also a financial commitment. Once you get married, you are almost always going to be off the parental financial train. So if you're still in school and don't have a full-time job, you'd better be capable of paying off all those student loans on your own. And what about health insurance? How about a car, car payments, and money for repairs? As pleasant as having a spouse and a dog sounds, it comes with commitments other than just your relationship and you have to reach a certain point in your life before you can be truly capable of committing so completely to someone. Financial strain is one of the leading causes of divorce. You are right that young marriage can contribute, but it's not the problem that some people think simply because young marriage is not as prevalent in today's society as it once was. Also keep in mind that when young marriage was common, divorce was almost unheard of in society at the time. The most prevalent contributor to the high divorce rate is a loss of respect for the institution of marriage itself. Marriage just isn't as important or as revered as it once was. If couples can't make it work, then they'll simply file for divorce because it's easier than fighting for their marriage. Marriage is hard work. Some say it's the toughest job they'll ever have. And people simply don't appreciate, in today's instant gratification, give-it-to-me-now society, the amount of effort and the ups and downs that come along with a long-term, loving commitment to someone. You're right, Lindsay. Marriage shouldn't be rushed for the sake of preserving virginity; if that's the reason you're getting married, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. In fact, I won't judge when someone decides they want to get married so long as they are mature enough to make the decision and capable of understanding the importance of marriage and respecting the amount of work it takes to make marriage work.Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, virginity
A Reader′s Request (Got Faith?)
My mother is a strong believer on sex AFTER marriage and I think its fantastic to save first intimate stuff like this for your spouse. But she thinks couples should marry young because there is less of a chance of them fornicating. I strongly disagree. I don’t think marriage should be rushed for the sake of virginity. I think young couples marrying too early and who aren’t mature enough is what leads to high divorce rates. I’m not saying a couple can’t get married at 19 and have a successful relationship but I don’t think they should feel obligated to if they aren’t completely ready.
I wanted to know other people views on what both me and my mother believe.
Lindsay, 16 from Florida
Suzie says: Thanks for the submission Lindsay!
Personally, I’d agree that “saving yourself” is a real nice idea, but it shouldn’t be a standard kept to so highly that couples rush into such a serious commitment just to be allowed have sex. What does everyone else believe, and is it a belief that your religion shares? Send us your thoughts!
And I Thought Cramping Was For Women And Athletes (Ask A Guy)
Ana, 16 from United States writes...
There are times when, for health reasons, my doctor tells me not to have sex, so I tell my boyfriend and he says he's fine with it. But he gets me all turned on anyway. Generally getting me turned on is all he needs to get turned on. We both know I can't have sex with him, so I have to leave the room before we get too caught up and end up having sex anyways. In circumstances like this, my boyfriend always ends up holding his lower stomach area, tossing and turning in bed for a while and saying he's cramping really badly because his body needs to get rid of the sperm. I just want to know if this is actually possible (yes, I know I could do something else about it if I can't have vaginal intercourse, but he generally says no or can't finish that way). Sorry about all the details.
Daniel says...
Your description of your boyfriend's reaction was funny enough to nearly cause milk to shoot out my nose. If he is actually cramping up because he can't have sex with you then that would be the first time I've ever heard of someone having that experience. We've heard of people having some minor discomfort (though the extent that such discomfort is possible is even debatable), but never so much discomfort that it causes them to flop around on the bed and writhe in pain. Just the thought of your boyfriend doing that is humorous, so thank you for the comic relief.
Next time your boyfriend does that, my suggestion is that you take him by the hand, walk him down the hall, lead him into the bathroom, and hand him some toilet paper or kleenex. He'll get the point. Take care of your health because it's the most important thing. If your boyfriend has the audacity to complain about that, then he can take care of his own "needs."
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, blue balls, cramping
The Basics of Sex (Sex Ed 101)
This article contains content that may not be suitable for minors, or those who are easily offended by content of a sexual nature.
Before we get started, let's talk about condoms. You know, those things made of latex (or polyurethane, or sheepskin)? Each and every time you have sex, you should be using one! Not only do they prevent pregnancy, but also the many sexually transmitted diseases that are out there. For the health of both you and your partner - make sure you use a condom each time you have sex. That being said... let's move onto the good stuff!The Necessities
Before you have sex, you should be sure to have the necessary things to make it go, well, smoothly. You'll want to have your condoms, and definitely more than one, just in case. Don't forget the lube, because nothing hurts worse than trying to have sex without any lubrication. And always, always, make sure you have a safe place to have sex. I'm sure nobody wants Mom, or Dad, or their siblings coming home at the wrong time. Or your roommates deciding to skip class and come home during your only break of the day.The Basics
We'll just skip the foreplay and head straight on into the sex. There are a few "basic" positions which everyone should know.Missionary Position
"Doggy" Style
Cowgirl Position
Reverse Cowgirl
Next Time...
For the next part of this article, we will be going a bit more in-depth into the sex positions, including some trickier and more involved ones for those who have already mastered these, or just wish to spice things up even more!Tags: sex, sex positions, intimacy, intercourse
Skipping Periods (Sex Ed 101)
lisa, 17 writes...
I just started birth control at the beginning of July. It was Tri Cyclin Lo. However it gave me unreal mood swings so I switched to Yaz. I went camping the week, I was supposed to get my period, so I went straight from the last pill of Tri Cyclin Lo to the first pill of Yaz. It just so happens that this month, the week I am supposed to get my period is the week of my boyfriend and my birthday (meaning, probably lots of sex). Is it safe to take the first pill of my next pack of Yaz for the second month in a row? And does being on the two different types make a difference in the effectiveness of the birth control? We started having sex without a condom Aug 23 (started Yaz Aug 10). Typically if you are on birth control for a month you are protected, but does this still apply if I switched? Should I be waiting another month on Yaz? Thanks so much for your help.Brittany says...
You should be protected from pregnancy if you've been staying on track with taking your pills on time and everything. To be on the safe side, you could just use a condom anyways. Especially since you haven't had your period in two months, you wouldn't know if it were late anyways. And if you do end up skipping yours again this month, it's just a wise idea to be safe than sorry.I don't recommend skipping your period again though, mainly because Yaz is kind of different than most pills. It's a 24 day hormonal pill, as opposed to 21, and that kind of throws off the schedule of things. I skipped my period once while on Yaz and I can say that I will never do it again. I used to do it on a 21-day pack and it never threw off my schedule, everything remained fine... but then Yaz... wow, that really made things terrible. When my period did come, it was painful and it lasted longer than it usually does and it came during my active pills. Now I'm starting my pack on a weird day in the week too, which sometimes confuses me when I need to start again or need to figure out if I already took my pill if I forgot and such.
It's also not too good of an idea to skip your period so much anyways, especially when the birth control you are taking is new. If you really want to skip your period again, consult your doctor first to get the okay from them. Generally, the doctor wants to meet with you after a few months on a new pill anyways to see how you like it, and without getting your period, you're really not going to know to the full extent you should.
Tags: sex, contraception, birth control, periods, skipping periods
What’s Safer? (Sex Ed 101)
Chelsea, 16 from Hawaii writes...
Hey guys, sorry for the details and lots of questions! I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time the other night, and I had always heard that a guys cum and precum isn't exactly the best tasting thing. But in my case, I actually liked the way it tasted! Is that okay, or should I be worried about him or even myself. Second, when we're having sex and I'm just about to orgasm my hips lock up and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop it and he can't do his thing because we can't make my hips cooperate, any ideas on how to fix this? Thanks!Brittany says...
It's completely okay if you like the taste of his cum! After all, that makes it a whole lot more enjoyable for you! There's nothing to worry about though, it doesn't mean anything bad... it's just all personal preference. As far as your hips locking up, what positions are you using during sex? You should try a position that puts you in control, such as anything with you on top - whether you're laying down or sitting, it doesn't matter but that allows you to do what you want. If that doesn't work, try having him bring you to orgasm without sex and once he can do that, try to incorporate the way that worked into the sex. Just take it one step at a time!The Sexual Deviant (Ask A Guy)
Kaze25, 21 writes...
Hey Daniel!
I could really use some advice here. About two months ago, a guy I was interested in rejected me and told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and just wanted to have fun. He said this was because he had just gotten out of a relationship that ended badly). We sort of kept in touch for those two months, but didn't really talk a lot or see each other at all. A few days ago, we saw each other by accident at a sports event. He was being nicer than usual and was a little flirty. After the game I offered him a ride home since he lives on the way and he accepted.
The moment we separated from the group, he became a totally different person! He wouldn't shut up! He was extremely friendly and talkative, almost to the point where I thought he was blabbering out of sheer nervousness. In the car we had some interesting conversations and at one point he pointed out some girl on the street who he claimed looked just like his ex. I thought this girl was a LOT better looking, but I didn't say anything. He also started to tell me some stuff I found inappropriate for a "drive home", such as "I'm a sexual deviant". He also asked me if I'm a virgin (which I am) and asked me the reason why (if I had been saving myself, etc., etc.).
He then offered to stop for food if I was hungry, even though he had no intention of eating, and said he'd just sit with me and hang out. I decided not to so he said we should do it some other time and asked me if I'd be willing to do so. Of course, I said yes, and before I dropped him off he told ME to call him (what the heck?!) and told me (along the lines of) not to be discouraged if he doesn't pick up sometimes because he's "like that with everyone".
So I'm a little confused about all this. On the one hand I'm scared he just wants to have sex, but on the other I'm telling myself he's more honest than that. One male friend has told me if I DO go on dates with him I shouldn't let him kiss me or anything until like 12 dates have gone by to "protect" myself. I think that's crazy. I don't know what to do!
Daniel says...
First off, your unidentified "male friend" likes you. Guys watch out for the girl (space) friends, but they only get into intimate details (like how long a girl should wait to make out with a guy) if they have feelings for the girl. This is confirmed by the fact that he told you to wait a whopping 12 dates to do so. That's an understandable length of time if you're 15 or 16 and a little unsure on your dating feet, but expecting someone to wait that long when they are 21 is more than a little unrealistic.
What should you do about Mr. Sexual Deviant? The answer there is a resounding "BE CAREFUL." Not only has this guy admitted that he doesn't see eye to eye with you on one of the most personal issues a relationship will encounter (sex), he has admitted to being so far above and beyond your experience level that you can only call into question his true motives for dating you. It's possible that he's simply making up the part about being a sexual deviant in a hilariously awkward attempt to appear "cool" to you. But if he was joking, he demonstrated a clear lack of understanding of just what kind of person you are. If he wasn't joking, then he simply doesn't understand acceptable social behavior. In the end it doesn't really matter which it is - either possibility indicates the guy isn't really dating material.
There is nothing wrong with pursuing a friendship with this guy. After all, you don't need to see perfectly eye to eye with each and every one of your friends. But it sounds like your outlook on life is markedly different than this guy's - different enough that I would advise against pursuing a relationship with him.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, peer pressure
Because Jerkiness is the First Quality I Look for in a Sexual Partner (Ask A Guy)
Angel, 17 from New Hampshire writes...
My boyfriend and I broke up two months ago (we had been together for two years). We broke up after a really bad fight. Toward the end of our relationship, he was convinced that I was cheating, which, with the evidence, I coudn't blame him, but I never actually did cheat on him. After we broke up, he started excessively drinking, and burning himself with his cigarettes. When I asked him why, he told me it was because he was depressed. I told him I wanted to get back together, but he told me he wanted to but couldn't, and that he hated having to be the strong one and say no. Soon after that, he started telling me he hated me, that he never loved me, blah blah.
I know him well enough to know that when he's hurt someone, he becomes a jerk. (One time when he accidentally elbowed me in the mouth when we were wrestling and I started crying, he became a jerk. Once I told him it was okay, it was an accident, he stopped being a jerk.) He recently got a new girlfriend who hates me. About a week after they started going out, he called me to come talk, and we ended up having sex. It was just like old times, cuddling after, laughing, joking, him stroking my hair, staring into my eyes, kissing me gently. Sorry, I'm reminiscing, lol.
I talked to him on the phone today, and I can tell he blames me for a lot. I was told he plans on moving from a friend, so I asked him about that. He told me it was none of my business whether or not him and his new gf were moving in together, and that if I had actually cared about him, it would be me and him moving in together. He also asked me why all of the sudden I'm all "I love you, I miss you" now that we're not together. He sounded very resentful toward me. I realize I did a lot of things wrong while we were together, and no, not just because he said I did, but because I actually did. He refuses to get together with me to talk because his girlfriend threatened to break up with him. What can I do to make it up to him? To make him realize I did love him while we were together, that I just had a hard time of showing him? If you were in his place, what would you want me to do?
Daniel says...
Sometimes relationships reach a point where they become so scarred and damaged that they are almost unrecognizable from what originally existed. You and your ex-boyfriend have fallen into a pattern of hurting one another and hurting others in your lives. Regardless of how your boyfriend feels toward you, it is difficult for me to imagine being able to commit to someone who made a promise to someone else (i.e. started dating his new girlfriend) and then wasn't able to keep that promise (i.e. had sex with you). That is certainly not what his girlfriend was expecting and you should hold yourself to a higher standard than that, too.
You need to ask yourself whether this is a relationship that is healthy (or logical) for you to perpetuate. You are asking yourself what you can do to change his mind, make up for some perceived fault on your part, or any number of other things, but it seems that the logical thing for you to ask yourself would be whether or not this relationship is capable of being saved (or, perhaps more importantly, worth saving).
If you do want to try to make it up to him, you need to force the issue and make him meet up with you or talk to you on the phone. He may not want to have the conversation, but an attempt to do so will tell a lot about what he is thinking. If you try to have the conversation and he ends the talk or hangs up on you, then he is clearly uninterested in actually fixing things and is only interested in sex. If that's the case, then what's there to save?
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, jerks
Do Sudden Changes In Behavior Mean Trouble? (Ask A Guy)
megaregz, 24 writes...
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year in October. At first we were having sex all the time but in the last two and a half months we've only had sex three times. I have to beg for it. He says he loves me and he's just stressed out about money. But he's coming home from work later and later and he doesn't like me going anywhere without him. What should I do? What do you think is going on?
Daniel says...
Stress is certainly a very plausible explanation for your boyfriend's sudden lack of libido. Numerous studies have proven that stress can have a depressive effect on the sex drive of both men and women. This statement is a bit of a misnomer, though, because sometimes the biggest thing that holds people back from having sex is just getting started. The vast majority of people in a committed relationship really enjoy sex once they get going - it's just getting your hormones flowing that's the most difficult part. I'm willing to bet that even when you beg, your boyfriend winds up enjoying getting the sheets sweaty with you.
Money is a significant stressor for most people. This is particularly true these days and among the mid-twenties crowd. You and your boyfriend happen to be affected by both of these drivers, so you are particularly at risk of monetary woes. Twentysomethings are often just out of school, many have mountains of student loan debt, and being just out of school typically means you don't have that awesome six-figure salary we all dream of.
There is another concerning thing in this situation, though. You state that your boyfriend is coming home from work "later and later." A sudden drop in sex drive combined with odd changes in behavior can sometimes indicate an affair is taking place. I'm not saying that is definitely the case, but it's something you should talk about with him. If he was stressed about money and had a job that paid him by the hour, this behavior would certainly be understandable. Working late would be putting more money in the bank. At the same time, he could just be swamped at work and unable to get away any sooner. I also note that your boyfriend seems to be manipulating your behavior. You speak as though you have acquiesced to his desire not to have you go out without him. This type of controlling behavior is typical of sociopaths that lack self-confidence and need to control things to the nth degree in order to feel okay with life.
Based on your brief description of his behavior, I cannot say for sure whether your boyfriend is coming home late because he is cheating or whether there are other causes in play. The key here is to open up a dialogue with your boyfriend about his behavior. Point out how his behavior has changed and explain to him that you are concerned for him. You have no specific proof that he has cheated, so don't accuse him but don't be afraid to indicate that his behavior makes you worry that he could be cheating. This is not paranoia - you have every reason to be concerned based on his actions. It could be that his behavior is just strange for no reason but until you confront him about it, you never really can know.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, stress