Serious

Uprooting For Love (Big Sister)

Margi, 20 writes...

Hey Big Sister, I am so confused. My boyfriend and I (both 20 years old) have been together almost four years, and he recently moved up here to move in with me. I love it, I love being around him, and I love him. I know I want to marry him, and he says someday he wants to marry me too. But, he's been living up here for four months and he's already making plans to move back home. He's picked out an apartment that's within two miles of all his friends and family and he wants me to come with. Him and his friend want to start up a game store. The thing is, his hometown is 230 miles away and I don't want to move. I can't stand the desert (which is where it is) and with what I want to do as a career, I can't do it there. He seems to think he can't open up a store anywhere but there, so we HAVE to live there. It's making me depressed, dreading the day we have to leave this place I love so much, to be away from everyone and everything I love and the opportunity to start a career. I suppose that's what he's doing right now too. I love my boyfriend, I'd do anything for him, and I will follow him anywhere, but I want the promise of our relationship lasting forever if I do. And he says he doesn't want marriage for a while. I don't know what to do, my parents say I should try to make this place a home and make him enjoy it and not want to move. I want him to be happy, but... I don't have anything there for me where he wants to be. I don't know why we can't move to a neutral city. Is it wrong for me to say I want an engagement if I'm going to uproot myself and follow him in pursuit of his dream? I don't know if I should just suck it up and make the best of this new place if we move or try to make him like it here. The only thing his hometown has is his friends and family, he doesn't like the environment, but he loves it here and so do I. I don't understand why he'd want to leave. I think he's stuck, not wanting to grow up. It seems like he wants to be around his friends and family and start a new job, instead of starting his own family with me. I don't want to marry or have kids right away though, I just want to know it's going to happen. I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks for reading.

amanda says...

This is definitely a tough situation. I think you have to take a step back and try to look at the whole picture. Clearly, you and your boyfriend want different things right now. Look at both sides: just because you have been together for four years, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him forever. Sometimes I find you can get in a mindset where you have thought something for so long (for instance, that you are going to marry your boyfriend) that you convince yourself that it HAS to happen. I'm not saying to break up with him though, I'm just trying to get you to see the whole picture. The other side is if you love him, and he loves you and you are meant to be together forever, then you should be able to come up with a compromise. Maybe if you both decide to live in different places then plan to visit each other regularly until you decide to settle down together in one area. Clearly he's not ready to settle down like you are and encouraging him to settle down sooner than he's ready for, might lead to more problems. Play it out. You are still young and even though it's not crazy for people to get engaged but I don't think you should bank on him settling down. If he wants to pursue his career, then you have to let him do so. If not, he might hold it against you forever.

Tags: boyfriend, relationship, serious, move, decision, home

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French Kissing (Big Sister)

x0klly0x, 14 writes...

Hi, I'm really confused and was hoping you could help me. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. We're very close and this is both our first serious relationship. Because neither one of us usually know what we're doing when it comes to making out, etc.. we sort of make it up as we go along. But recently he's been joking around and sticking his tongue in my mouth. It's not like this freaks me out or anything, I don't really care, considering how close we are. He told me, though, he wants to try french kissing. I really don't know what to do though. He'll joke around and stick his tongue in my mouth and then laugh and say "Oh c'mon, you do it." I know I said before that we just make it up as we go along but I really don't know what to do. Imagining sticking my tongue out while kissing just seems absurd to me. It seems like it would make my mouth feel... weird. I don't really want to but I guess he's really curious as to knowing what it's like... I'm just really trying to figure out what to do about this. Thanks so much for the help.

Ivette says...

You should really check this out! Purplepjs has a great article about kissing. It's good you feel comfortable with your boyfriend and can disscuss anything and even be silly about it. I would say to follow the tips in the link. The first time might not be perfect but with practice things will get much better! Good luck!

 

Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, kissing, boyfriend, girlfriend, serious, french kissing

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Mom’s Opinion and Sex (Big Sister)

javbeatlerjpg, 14 writes...

How do I let my mom know that I honestly love my boyfriend? I'm 15 and girls my age can be really stupid about relationships, but I can say with all my heart that we love each other and I know it. My mom probably doesn't take us seriously and it really bothers me. Also he and I have been talking about having sex and we are ready to, but I have no idea how to tell her that. She told me that she'd like to know if I was thinking about it and I feel like I really should.

amanda says...

What makes you think your mom doesn't take you seriously? If there is something specific that she is doing that really bothers you, then you should sit her down and let her know how you feel and why you feel that way. With regard to sex, you should definitely make sure you feel ready for this and if you and your mom have an open relationship, then you can talk to her about it. A lot of people have questions when it comes to their first time. Your mom will probably appreciate your honesty as well. With regard to the serious part of your question: when I was 15 I had been dating my boyfriend for a year and I also thought that I was truly in love and that he was *the one*. We dated for a total of three and a half years. Now, at the age of 21, I am in another serious relationship and realized that yes, I did love my ex-boyfriend, but it was the most I could possibly love him at the age of 15. The love I have for my current boyfriend is different. As you grow older, you will find that there are changes within yourself and your relationship, no matter how much you love the person. Sometimes those changes bring you closer together and sometimes it forces you to grow apart. So, I'm not saying you won't be with your boyfriend forever, but your mom probably realizes there's a chance your relationship might not be your only one. Maybe she's scared of how you will react *if* you guys do break up. Try to talk to her and make sure you try to realize where she is coming from as well.

Tags: sex, boyfriend, relationship, serious, mom

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