Self Esteem
I’m Not Going To Cheat (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 21 writes...
I think my boyfriend, despite what he says, doesn't trust me. We've been together for five years and I've never been unfaithful to him (he cheated on me with a mutual friend for four months), but I live an hour away for college. As a result, I spend more time with my college friends, who happen to be male, than with him. It makes him insecure and we've been fighting a lot about it lately. He says he wouldn't be insecure if I called more, but he was like this before I moved away, too. He was even jealous of my best girl friend (and I am straight!). It's just much more obvious now that I'm away and can't reassure him as often.
The couple of guys I hang out with here are telling me they feel bad for "causing" problems between my boyfriend and me. One of them told me that his dad cheated on his mom and ever since then, his dad would get really hostile whenever his mom did anything because he thought she would cheat on him; so now he's afraid the same might be happening to my boyfriend and me.
I don't know what to do. I can't help that my friends are male. I don't want to have to stop seeing them just to make him comfortable, but I also don't want to do anything to make him feel that kind of hurt. I've been trying to call more often and I'm completely honest about what I'm doing when we talk, but I can tell he still feels left out.
Daniel says...
Your boyfriend's actions smack of someone who simply lacks self-confidence. Often when people cheat it's either because of a feeling of entitlement (think Tiger Woods) or because of a complete lack of self-confidence. This low confidence or self-esteem results in cheating because they find someone who is willing to boost their ego. They feel a little invincible because they manage to become intimate and maintain two relationships simultaneously. Unfortunately, this high-flying feeling will result in the complete opposite feeling once the relationship is discovered. Once you found out that he cheated, your boyfriend likely became paralyzed with the fear that you would cheat on him to "get even." As unrealistic as this may be, he knows how he felt when he was with the other girl and he knows he did something wrong.
Your relationship survived your boyfriend's infidelity, so you should be fully capable of talking to one another in an upfront and honest manner. Tell him exactly what you're seeing. You can even tell him that you know he's afraid that you'll cheat to get even. After you've explained this, tell him that the thought is completely unreasonable and that you won't cheat on him. If your boyfriend doesn't trust you, then that is a very serious issue - one that can potentially jeopardize your relationship. If your boyfriend can't get over this, then you do need to consider whether this relationship is right for you. You're in college; it shouldn't be your job to coddle your boyfriend and constantly reassure him that your feelings for him haven't changed.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, getting even, self-esteem