Relationships
Everything. That’s What’s Wrong. (Ask A Guy)
Jody, 19 from Canada writes...
Hey Daniel,
I can easily give advice to my friends and I expect my friends to have the best men in their life. If a guy treats them poorly I'm quick to tell them to move on. However, now I need someone to give me some advice! I met a guy a year ago, we kept in touch throughout the year, even though I lived in another city for school. When I came back for summer we hung out nonstop. At one point, we had "the talk" and began dating. Two weeks later he broke it off because he said he isn't ready for a relationship and, in all honesty, he wanted to see other girls, too. So we kept hanging out a lot and hooking up. I know he hasn't hooked up with another girl beside me all summer. However, all my friends are saying "run," but I don't understand why a girl can't have a hook up buddy like a guy would. I do admit I like him A LOT, more than other guys I've dated. I totally understand that he disrespected me by telling me he doesn't like me enough to see just me, but in the end what is wrong with just hook up buddies and good friends?
Daniel says...
You like him - that's what's wrong! As much as you give lip service to the idea that the two of you are just friends with benefits, "hook up buddies," or no-strings-attached sex partners, the fact that you like him outweighs all those other facts. Eventually, the fact that you like him will outweigh your "desire" for just a friends with benefits relationship. Deep down inside you want to jump this guy's bones and have him call you his girlfriend...it is simply not possible to just ignore your feelings in this regard. You can argue, question, or dispute these statements all you want, but all your stubbornness accomplishes is convincing those who are close to you that you are truly hooked on this guy and simply in denial of this fact. That is precisely why they are encouraging you to run the other way. The other thing this entire situation does is reduce the respect others have for you. While this may not be true of your close friends (they should love and respect you regardless of the decisions you make - accepting you for who you truly are), this is certainly the truth for acquaintances or other guys who may be interested in you. Think about it. Imagine there are two girls a guy is considering being with. One of the girls is an upstanding, respectable, fun girl who doesn't sleep around and makes guys work for her respect and commitment. The other girl is fun and enjoyable to hang out with but has a reputation for sleeping with guys without any effort and being willing to be in friends with benefits relationships. How is the guy going to approach a relationship with the first girl? He is going to work hard to earn her attention and affection. And the second girl? He certainly won't view her as a prize to be won...instead, he will view her as an easy target who he can put forth a little bit of effort and get an effortless roll in the hay. As for why girls are different than guys, that is simple...girls let guys get away with being man-whores. Girls want to date bad boys and don't punish a guy by refusing to date him if he as a relationship for sleeping around. If girls started respecting themselves and demanding more from the guys who want to date them, they would find that the double standard would go away entirely and the expectations of guys would be exactly the same as those of girls. But as long as girls reward guys who sleep around by continuing to have sex with them, those guys will be able to get away with it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes
Lalling In Fove (Ask A Guy)
Stacey, 17 from California writes...
Hi Daniel.
I was just wondering if you've ever been in love. How did you know you were in love? I'm just curious on a guy's perspective on falling in love.
Daniel says...
Falling in love is all about finding that one person who makes you happier than you ever thought was possible. At the same time, that person needs to be someone with whom you are comfortable arguing, disagreeing, and being upset with. This is not to imply that love is filled with arguments and discord (though some may think it is), but it is simply to point out that a truly happy relationship can endure disagreement. And a relationship that can endure disagreement means the parties involved won't be scared to share their truethoughts and feelings - allowing the each person to get to know the true personality of the other person. Love is about compromise, but love is also about a change in priorities many people probably never imagine being possible. That "right" person quickly becomes your best friend and everyone else takes a backseat to their friendship. True love is about having a friend, a partner, a lover, and a best friend - all wrapped up in one package. Sometimes people ask what love isn't. Love is most certainly not about jealousy or always trying to one-up the other person. Competition is normal (and healthy) in life and in love, but when your competition is all about trying to make sure you outdo someone else simply because you can't stand the thought of them being better than you, making more money than you, or having more friends than you, then that is not love. Love should make people happy and jealousy is not happiness. True love is about being a team and being able to be truly happy for your partner (and your "team") when the other person eclipses you in something. After all, success for your partner means success for both of you. But, above all, as I said above, love is about friendship. When you can spend every day together, whether you are remodeling your house, studying, or surfing the internet without feeling bored, angry, or awkward, you are certainly on your way to being very happy and falling in love.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, love
Man of the Year (Ask A Guy)
Gale Patrice Carter, 51 from Tennessee writes...
I used to date this guy in the early 90's. He is ten years younger than I am. I am an attractive, independent woman and our age difference never mattered. I still look good. I take good care of myself. Somehow, we became separated. Anyway, I got married and he went off to prison in 2001. He was gone for about six or seven years. I ran into him in March 2008. We saw each other for a little while and stopped again for about six months. At the time, I was separated from my current husband, and he and I decided to get back together. That lasted for six months until we separated again.
I ran back into him but all I can tell is that he is needy he never has any money. He doesn't make a lot of money at his job, but I always have to give something to him for gas to come and see me. He asks for food and he has borrowed money and hasn't paid me back as promised. He has a very bad temper and is verbally abusive. He can be physically abusive as well. He loves to go out to these hole-in-the-wall clubs and is labeled a drunk. I try to understand him and help as much as I can, but what to do? Do I need to leave this man alone?
Daniel says...
In the annals of "obvious solutions" this one has to take the cake. Set aside the issues with your ex-husband. You married him and it sounds like you made every reasonable effort to save your marriage. For that you should be commended. Unfortunately, it sounds like you haven't been so thoughtful with regard to your current relationship. This guy leaches off you, "borrows" money from you, has never paid you back, and is physically and verbally abusive toward you. Staying with him is not only bad for you, it's self-destructive. I understand that women often want to "fix" the things wrong with the guy they are with. Women want to believe in the good in the guys they choose to devote themselves to. You have fallen into the same trap countless other women have, but the difference is, you know full-well what is wrong with this situation and you know what it takes to fix it. Leave this guy, and stand up for yourself. You may not need to worry about maintaining the respect of others or what your parents, friends, or family will think of you, but you should still be concerned about your own happiness and well-being. Getting this guy out of your life will be the best way to ensure that happiness.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, romance, history
Friendly - With Motives (Ask A Guy)
Alex, 21 from Ontario writes...
Hi Daniel!
I've been having some trouble with a guy. About a month ago, he basically rejected me when I came out in the open about my interest in him. He said he had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. I readily accepted this and moved on with my life. However, after about two weeks he randomly reappeared and started showing interest in me, complimenting me subtly, and asking me questions out of the blue like, "what do you look for in a guy?" He invited me to go to this recreational volleyball thing with him and appeared to be extremely excited about it. He talked to me the whole day from work but then texted me later that night saying he had to stay at work to finish some report but that we'd go to volleyball the next time.
The next time, however, he didn't want to go because of some lame excuse about the players and that we wouldn't get to play on the same team because of the way teams get picked (blah, blah, blah). The following week I was upset about something and he really wanted to hear about it, so I told him, and he was surprisingly attentive and understanding. When I mentioned I didn't want to be home that night to deal with my familial problems he said, "maybe we can go for ice cream." So we talked on the phone when he left work and he said he'd call me when he got home and sorted his night out, but he never ended up calling! I texted him afterward and he replied saying he "fell asleep". I was really angry and expressed this, though he didn't seem too sorry. Two days later, he called me out of the blue and apologized, saying he felt bad, etc., etc. We had a nice conversation and then he said volleyball "might" be happening the next day and that he'd call me to confirm. Again, he never called. I'm really not sure what he's doing. Is he playing games? Is he just looking for attention? Is he confused? I know he works full-time and has a crazy and busy life, but I think this is disrespectful nevertheless - even if you have to cancel, you can still call! I don't really understand what his intentions are. I don't think he's just being friendly, since I have plenty of male friends and I know that's not how they work. What's going on?
Daniel says...
You're right about one thing. This guy isn't being friendly, he's being downright rude. It sounds like he is using your obvious interest in him as an excuse to walk all over you and play games with your head. Look at his behavior over the past few months and it is fairly easy to see a pattern in his behavior. First, he flatters you. He calls you up or approaches you, says all kinds of nice things to you and convinces you he is genuinely interested in getting to know you better. Then, he offers a chance for the two of you to hang out together. After you accept, he neglects to get in touch with you or plan further for your suggested get-together. Finally, the cycle starts all over again when he apologizes and begins flattering you once more. It's as predictable as it is sad (for him). The part that you need to take control of is the part where you agree to hang out with him. Right now, you're available to him and willing to hang out every time he gives you a chance. Change that fact. Next time he asks you out, simply respond that you are unavailable. If he asks you out again, give him the same reply. One of two things will be accomplished by following this course of action. If he is interested in you and simply has a really, really strange way of showing it, then he will take this as a sign that he needs to pursue you with more effort. But if he is not interested in you, he will most assuredly take this as a sign that you have lost your interest in him and move on to try his luck at torturing someone else. If a guy is just playing mind games with you, then he doesn't want to have to work at it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, poor friends
Guys Are Actually Quite Simple (Ask A Guy)
Lisa, 19 from United States writes...
Hello Daniel!
I am in need of advice - advice that I think would probably really benefit the other readers of Ask A Guy as well as myself. As a guy, I know you would have to at least know a few others, so what are some flirty texts and things to say that really draws a guy in? I'm looking for something to say that would sort of make them anticipate and not be able to wait until your next text. Any tips or scenarios would be greatly appreciated. Thanks - guys are confusing!
Daniel says...
When it comes to flirting, guys are actually quite simple-minded. If you imply interest in them (and potentially their body), then they will definitely look forward to your texts. What you say to someone depends a lot upon your friendship, any past events that have taken place between the two of you, and your personalities. It's tough to recommend something general to say, but always keep in mind what you're implying in your message. Keep in mind that if you are looking to send flirty texts, then I am operating under the assumption that you aren't too worried about sending some kind of sexual vibe in your texts. As a general example, if you text a guy to ask him what he's doing and he responds that he isn't doing much, then you can respond describing what you are doing. As long as it isn't something either overly intimate or overly personal, you can always end your response with something like, "it would be a lot more [fun, interesting] if you were here!" Something like that should get the thought process flowing and give you an idea the type of thing that guys like.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, guys
Maybe You Do Get A Second Chance To Make A First Impression (Ask A Guy)
Heather, 17 from United States writes...
I'm having a guy problem. It starts out with me not liking guys when I first get to know them. But after I find out several girls are crushing on the same guy, I'm suddenly crushing on him, too. It's stupid and weird and I don't like it. Right now I'm obsessing over a guy that I was absolutely comfortable with and had no interest in because I didn't think he was attractive at all, but after I found out that a horde of girls were after him, it roused my interest and I saw him differently. Now I think he's attractive and I want him when I didn't before. This same thing has happened three other times. What's worse is that this guy is now dating one of my friends (no one knows I like him), and I'm obsessing over him because I can't have him. I'm sick of this. Why does this keep happening? I shouldn't be crushing on guys just because a bunch of other girls think he's hot. Can you explain these feelings? Is there a way to stop myself from wanting guys just because I find out others badly want him?
Daniel says...
Feelings aren't controlled by the flick of a switch. On one hand it would be nice if they were, because getting over a failed or failing relationship would be a heck of a lot easier. At the same time, it would make the dating and courtship process a lot more dull. So maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Humans tend to have a massive competitive streak in them that can cause us to be unpredictable in our decision-making - especially where relationships are concerned. The key is to focus on the guys you do like. What aspects of their personality attract you to them? You can even look at what it is you like about guys once you find out that other people are interested. Simply because you aren't initially attracted to them doesn't mean they are wrong for you or that a relationship with them won't be productive. All it means with certainty is that you have been caused to look more critically at a guy whom you initially dismissed as a potential romantic interest. Are your feelings for these people simply based on the fact that you have a little competition or are you just seeing them differently? If competition is the lone reason for your feelings, then you need to remind yourself of that reality. When you're getting to know a guy look very carefully for the type of personality traits to which you are attracted. When you meet a guy, take an objective look and see if he has these characteristics. And if something causes you to take a second look at a guy, then go with whatever your determination is...giving someone a second chance to impress you isn't something to be ashamed of.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, second chances
Hooked On A Feeling (Ask A Guy)
Annika, 17 from Tennessee writes...
He calls me pretty and beautiful and cute, which is great, it's obvious he finds me attractive, and it's a good boost of self-confidence. I haven't yet found a way to reciprocate my feelings toward him verbally, though. I want to let him know I find him just as attractive - and I worry that I'm not giving him the boost he may want. We're both confident people, but even I like to be complimented every once and awhile. There just aren't many adjectives equivalent to beautiful, pretty, and things like that that I can think of for guys...handsome? It feels weird...almost too formal. And is "cute" bad for a guy?
I know it varies for each guy, but from your perspective, what are some things I can say to let him know how I feel about him physically? We're open about how much we are attracted to each other's personality and other qualities - he knows that I find him funny, loving, smart, considerate, loyal, and I know he feels the same about me.
Thanks so much, Daniel!
Daniel says...
You're in luck (though perhaps just a little uncreative)! There are plenty of good adjectives to use for guys to describe their physical appearance. First thing's first, though. "Cute" and "adorable" are not words to be avoided. There may be some situations in which there are better words to be used, but there are certainly times when the more feminine-seeming "cute" and "adorable" are very much appropriate for use toward a guy. Imagine a time when the two of you are having fun and joking around with one another. Something like "cute" is perfectly appropriate. And your boyfriend is making a really cute face or being jokingly indignant about something. In that case, adorable is a great word to use. Don't write off perfectly good words just because there are only certain times when they aren't the best ones to use. As for other words that describe a guy's physical appearance, "hot" is almost universally appreciated by guys. "Hot" has a certain raw magnetism to it that makes it a highly desirable compliment. "Handsome" is also a perfectly acceptable compliment when your guy is wearing a suit or headed to a nice dinner. Sure, it's formal, but it's definitely a worthwhile compliment. As for other descriptions, "really, really, ridiculously, good-looking" was coined in Zoolander and makes for a humorous (but effective) way to compliment a guy. "Smokin'," "crazy good looking," "delicious," and "sexy" are also really good adjectives. Most of all, be creative when you're saying something to your guy. And don't be afraid to work in references to inside jokes between the two of you. Have fun!Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, compliments
Not My Type (Ask A Guy)
Amber, 21 from District of Columbia writes...
Oh my God, I cannot get over this guy. I'm almost obsessed, I'm attracted to him so much. Problem is, he's a total man-whore! He also smokes like a chimney and has a hammer and sickle tat on his arm (I am so not Communist). I, on the other hand, am saving myself until I fall in love and I hate smoking. Yet, he has some sort of spell over me. I am sexually attracted to him (although I told him that I don't put out, but he still wanted to hang out) and we both admitted we wanted to make out with each other. I've dated a lot of guys and I've NEVER dated a guy that I actually had an urge to kiss - except this dude!
What's the deal? I have never been one of those girls that likes to just make out with guys they aren't dating, but this guy seems to be the exception for me. I know I shouldn't casually make out with him because that would only hurt me later, but I still want to be friends with him because he is so fun and hilarious. What should I do?
Daniel says...
Girls almost always find the "bad boys" at least somewhat attractive. There is something about a guy who has almost nothing in common with them that seems to drive girls wild. But what you must do is remind yourself that you are attracted to the fact that you have nothing in common with them. Yes, it sounds confusing, but for whatever reason, everyone likes a bit of a challenge in their dating life. With this said, there is nothing wrong with befriending someone who seems to not really be your romantic type. You certainly have the right outlook on this friendship, though. As much as your raw attraction to him makes you want to just throw your cares aside and make out with him, it's not a good idea. You are right that you will only end up hurting yourself in the long run. If this guy enjoys hanging out with you, then he shouldn't need to make out with you in order to continue doing so. True friends don't need a carrot dangled in front of them and if he stops hanging out with you, then he's not worth your time. So have a little fun and hang out with this guy, but stick to your guns while you're at it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, bad boys, your type
Let’s Go Camping! (Ask A Guy)
Kari, 22 from Arizona writes...
Hey Daniel! Love the page!
Here is my dilemma. I have gone out with this guy I met at school quite a few times. Things seem to be going well. My friends all love him and want me to invite him on a camping trip we are taking at the end of the month. Will this freak him out? I thought if I said my friends want him to come it may not. I guess my question is how can I word the invite so that he doesn't get scared? Or should I invite him at all?
Daniel says...
You're worried about moving too fast and you're worried for very good reason. You certainly don't want to give the wrong impression and you want to make sure you know a guy well enough to understand how he will react to such a proposition before you offer it to him. What you need to ask yourself right now is what kind of message you are interested in sending to him. If the two of you have been intimate, then inviting him on a camping trip will give him the impression that you are interested in moving things along even further. On the other hand, if the two of you haven't yet been intimate, it is possible he may take this as an indication that you would like to move things along a little further. I don't think you will "freak him out" or scare him by inviting him on a camping trip. Depending on his personality and how quickly he likes to take things, he may wonder why you are asking and whether or not it is a little soon for such a step, though. But, bottom line, he will be flattered that you are so interested in him. So if you are interested in really pursuing the idea of a camping trip, then you need to consider how to present this to him. Start by telling him about the trip, about your friends who are going, and stress that it's a chance for you and your friends to hang out and have fun together. Mention that both guys and girls will be in attendance and everyone is looking forward to just relaxing. At that point, you can tell him you think it would be fun if he would come along and that you and your friends think it would be fun to have him along. Whatever you do, don't single out your friends as having asked if he could come. This could potentially send the message that you either don't care or are only asking him because you've been goaded into it by your friends. By telling him that you and your friends want him to come along, you will be able to indicate this is a group consensus and not just the actions of one or two people. Plus, it will help to develop a genuine sense of belonging between him and your friends - that sense of belonging is crucial to keeping your relationship happy.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, getting to know one another
16 Year Olds Don’t Say “Fornicating” (Ask A Guy)
Lindsay, 16 from Florida writes...
My mother is a strong believer in sex AFTER marriage and I think it's fantastic to save first intimate stuff like this for your spouse. But she thinks couples should marry young because there is less of a chance of them fornicating. I strongly disagree. I don't think marriage should be rushed for the sake of virginity. I think young couples marrying too early and who aren't mature enough is what leads to high divorce rates. I'm not saying a couple can't get married at 19 and have a successful relationship but I don't think they should feel obligated to if they aren't completely ready.
I wanted to know other people's views on what both me and my mother believe and not necessarily with a religious outlook.
Daniel says...
Great question, Lindsay. Your mom is right about one thing: sex is safest within the confines of a trusting, loving, committed relationship. Obviously, marriage is (or at least should be) the definition of all of these things and it is impossible to argue that sex after marriage is not valuable, productive, and even fun. The most perplexing thing about your mom's statement is that she basically says couples should rush into marriage. She is essentially saying kids are in a race to beat sex down the aisle to the altar and if they don't get married soon enough, they will give in to their carnal desires and wind up in bed together. If you don't have the self control to wait to have sex, then getting married in order to be "proper" about sex won't accomplish anything. Marriage is a careful, thought-provoking decision that cannot easily be undone and should not be taken lightly. A happy marriage is one of the most rewarding things someone can have in life, so don't take any of this as an indication that you shouldn't pursue marriage. But there is something to be said for waiting until you feel the time is right for you to get married. Keep in mind that marriage is not only an emotional commitment; it is also a financial commitment. Once you get married, you are almost always going to be off the parental financial train. So if you're still in school and don't have a full-time job, you'd better be capable of paying off all those student loans on your own. And what about health insurance? How about a car, car payments, and money for repairs? As pleasant as having a spouse and a dog sounds, it comes with commitments other than just your relationship and you have to reach a certain point in your life before you can be truly capable of committing so completely to someone. Financial strain is one of the leading causes of divorce. You are right that young marriage can contribute, but it's not the problem that some people think simply because young marriage is not as prevalent in today's society as it once was. Also keep in mind that when young marriage was common, divorce was almost unheard of in society at the time. The most prevalent contributor to the high divorce rate is a loss of respect for the institution of marriage itself. Marriage just isn't as important or as revered as it once was. If couples can't make it work, then they'll simply file for divorce because it's easier than fighting for their marriage. Marriage is hard work. Some say it's the toughest job they'll ever have. And people simply don't appreciate, in today's instant gratification, give-it-to-me-now society, the amount of effort and the ups and downs that come along with a long-term, loving commitment to someone. You're right, Lindsay. Marriage shouldn't be rushed for the sake of preserving virginity; if that's the reason you're getting married, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. In fact, I won't judge when someone decides they want to get married so long as they are mature enough to make the decision and capable of understanding the importance of marriage and respecting the amount of work it takes to make marriage work.Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, virginity