Rejection
I’ll Show You! (Ask A Guy)
mari, 19 from United States writes...
If a guy likes a girl and is afraid she is going to reject him is it possible that the guy would become extremely mean to her? And in his mind is he thinking, "I'll give her a reason to not like me?"
Daniel says...
Being mean to the girl you have a crush on is a bit of a slippery slope because there is a marked difference (mainly in result) between being genuinely mean and simply being playfully annoying. Being playfully annoying to girls they like is something that has been in the male bag of tricks for generations. This may include innocently making fun of the girl, joking around with her, or even giving her a hard time about something to name a few possibilities. But when a guy crosses the line and starts being deliberately mean, that indicates he's in it for blood and not for sport - he's looking to hurt someone and not just to playfully flirt and try to develop a relationship. And that's to say nothing about the idea that any guy who is truly looking to hurt someone isn't worth it for any girl to date.
Some guys do have an irrational fear of rejection - a fear that can cause them to behave wholly unreasonably. If a guy is that mixed up over his emotions that he is unable to treat a girl decently, then he has issues. With that said, it's entirely possible (but somewhat unlikely) that a guy would hurt a girl simply because he fears that she would reject him. It is more common for a guy to be rejected and then decide to lash out at a girl in the hopes of making her hurt a little.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, rejection
Going To The Next Level (Big Sister)
caligirl44, 18 writes...
I really need to do something wild... and crazy. Well, under my terms at least. I've recently kind of been thrown into a situation, where I am hanging out with a older guy, that is kind of vulnerable, and wants a woman. I've kind of been thrown into this, where I could hang out with him- as he's asked me before- and I'd like to get to that "movie moment" where you just, kiss the person you're with. But- how does that happen? Especially with someone you know. How do you just kiss them, and know its right and know they won't shove you away? I just think it would be fun, to go to the next level with this person, just as "friends" seeing as neither of us are looking for anything "solid". Any help is appreciated!!! Thanks so much!! Oh, and I love the new stuff you've done with the page!!
Ivette says...
Thanks for the feedback on our new website! All of the PPJs staff have been working really hard behind the scenes to improve it so we appreciate your positive feedback! Now to your question, I want to know how you've been "thrown" into this situation, and if you really had a choice to get into this friendship/relationship or you were obliged to go with it. Another thing that alarms me is that you described your friend as "vulnerable and wants a woman". Personally, I don't see any good for someone to be in that kind of mental and emotional state of mind. That means the guy is hurt or has some underlying issues that may push him to the edge and is willing to go out with any girl that crosses his path. Hmm, that doesn't sound like a decent guy to be around with, so before you put yourself out there, reevaluate the situation and analyze what you're getting into. As for your concern, I don't really believe there is a perfect kiss or a "movie moment" for a kiss. First off, the two people have to be perfectly comfortable with each other and not feel obliged to do something they're not really okay with. You also have to remember that it's really hard to have a perfect moment, but you can make it special. You have to make sure the guy sees you romantically as well, since he will probably find it weird if a girl comes up to him with that demeanor when he doesn't expect it. If you still want to do it, I would suggest try building up the atmosphere from early on. Go on a date, be flirty and have fun. You can also be a little physical like touching his arm when you're talking or holding hands. If he responds well to your cues it is more likely he won't be entirely surprise or shocked when you kiss him. It might be easier if you just peck him on his lips and smile at him, instead of going into hardcore kissing. If he likes you, he will probably think it was cute and he will do the next move. I think that's a way to play it safe without being shoved away or rejected. Be sure to also read his body language, usually when someone isn't interested he will be distracted and not fully engaged with the other person. He may also be blunt and cold if he usually is outgoing and social. Watch out for these cues! These will help you recognize if he is interested or not and if you should do a move. Another tip: I usually do not advice being "friends with benefits" since these usually end up pretty bad. So be careful what you're getting into and especially with who! Good luck on what you decide!
Tags: relationships, big sister, kissing, dating, friends with benefits, making a move, guys, rejection, dates
He Didn’t Get Away—He Was Never Yours (Ask A Guy)
someonesprincess, 15 writes...
Hey Daniel,
I've liked this guy since May and, well, I "tried" to ask him out in July...complete failure. He said, "I'm not in the dating mood at the moment, sorry." So we continued as really good friends - his sister is my best friend. For the last month and a half I've tried to talk to him about my feelings (about once a week) and every time something comes up. He doesn't know what I want to talk about, though.
Anyway, my problem is that three weeks ago he told his sister (my best friend) that he liked me and he thought I liked him, too. That was exciting, so I went to talk to him one morning this week at the bus stop. We were talking about the snow and his filling fell out, so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. Later that day, I was talking to his sister and I asked her to ask him if he was planning on asking me out. She did and his response was, "well I think of her like a sister now." In three weeks that changed and I'm so confused. Does that mean nothing's going to happen, or what? When she told me it was like a kick in the gut, it hurt so much. It still hurts and every time I see him and it's so hard not to break down. So I guess I have three questions. What does "I think of her like a sister" mean? Do you think there is anything in the future between us? And how do I keep from breaking down in front of him?
Daniel says...
It's highly possible that this guy didn't "change his mind" in three weeks, but rather wasn't completely sure he liked you in the first place. He may have felt some kind of pressure (either from you or from his sister) to admit some type of feelings for you. It's entirely possible that this pressure was perceived and due in no part to an overt action or statement by either you or his sister. Guys can be funny when the issue of feelings and their relationships with girls are concerned. When a guy knows that someone has feelings for him, he will often feel that he should develop similar feelings. In fact, it can be very tempting for a guy to "give it a shot" and see if a relationship will develop those feelings in them. Guys may also trick themselves into thinking they have those feelings. No one wants to feel responsible for hurting someone or breaking their heart so they will go to great lengths to avoid it.
To address your specific questions, "I think of her like a sister" generally means a guy does not share any romantic feelings for the girl in question. In your specific case, there may be several contributing factors. He may genuinely not be that attracted to you or he may not feel comfortable with the idea of dating his sister's best friend. Or, on a slightly creepy note, maybe he thinks his sister is good looking and this statement means he really does like you (though this is admittedly highly unlikely and more than a little creepy).
Regarding your future, I wouldn't put much stock in a future between the two of you. His behavior, while somewhat contradictory with itself, has generally indicated a friendly or familial interest in you and not something romantic. He may have stated he likes you, but even his behavior right after that admission indicated a fear of interacting with you or a lack of desire to get to know you better. It's generally not a good idea to count on a romantic relationship with a guy. A lot can happen between two people and teenage guys are fickle - prone to changing their mind on a moment's notice.
As far as breaking down in front of him, you have to realize that a certain amount of disappointment is normal in the pursuit of relationships in general and "the right guy" in particular. When someone is rejected by a crush or a significant other, it is perfectly natural to be upset for a time. But eventually you need to focus on the idea that this happens to everyone and breaking down in public over a mere break up or rejection is not typical behavior. Abuse, rampant philandering, or being taken completely by surprise are cases where some deference should be given toward the victim, but losing yourself over a guy who was never even yours to begin with simply isn't normal. Throw yourself into other activities and have fun. Doing so will ensure that you don't have enough time to think about being sad.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, happiness, rejection
Dreams of Rejection (Sweet Dreams)
miss.caisse, 17 writes...
There is a boy I really, really like and I keep having dreams of him rejecting me. Each time we have both been dressed up for a dance (which might be because he came to my prom as my date) and every time I seem very upset yet falling all over myself to compliment him and make up for whatever reason he has not to like me. Could I be having these dreams simply because I'm afraid he doesn't like me?Embarr says...
It is very likely that your fears of him not liking you are part of why you are having these dreams. You may need to overcome any fears you have about the possibility of this guy not liking you in order to stop these dreams. Your reaction to the rejection is interesting though, since it adds another layer to the situation. Despite whichever way he rejects you, you are still trying to gain his interest. These recurring dreams and reactions could simply be a result of your anxiety but your mind may also be using what it has on hand to express another situation in your life. This situation is probably more vague, or it may just be that you are very consciously unaware of it, which is often why our dream worlds have to take more obvious and symbolic objects to express them to us.
Under the surface your dream may be trying to tell you of something else important that you're not aware of yet. In every dream you try desperately to compliment him and fix things. Perhaps you are trying to fix a situation in your own life that would best be left alone since you always come up with the same result. Or, the situation isn't getting this desperate desire that it needs in order to be fixed. It may seem a little strange to do this, but try asking yourself any questions that seem to pop up in your head about the situations in the dreams. Sometimes asking questions about one dream can cause you to get the answers through another dream. That second dream can sometimes help you break the cycle of recurring dreams or point you in the right direction to resolve things.
Tags: dreams, sweet dreams, rejection, recurring
He Hurt My Feelings, Now He’s Hurt (Sweet Dreams)
leelove, 18 writes...
So about a year ago I confessed to the guy I liked at the....that I liked him. We went our separate ways and fell out of touch because he didn't like me, and I went off to college. He's had two girlfriends since then, I haven't had any boyfriends. I've seen him once since I've been back home for the summer. Last night I dreamed that he sent me a really long message on Facebook apologizing for the way he rejected me. He apologized profusely for the way he hurt my feelings and the way he just altogether stopped talking to me. He went even further to say that I'm really cute, but I don't remember what that statement led to in the message in this dream. I woke up at about 4, then went back to sleep. When I fell asleep this time I dreamed that I was having sex with him in my house. He was performing oral sex while I just laid there. I remember feeling that I absolutely hated him, which in waking life...I don't. After sex, he attempted to run me over with a truck. He hit me, but I wasn't hurt. To my surprise, he came out of the accident very badly injured. Ideas?Embarr says...
The first dream is likely a reflection of some desire you hold. Even if your feelings have changed for this guy, you could still have a bit of unfinished business with him. Having a dream where he apologizes puts your wish for some kind of closure in your favor more prominently in your thoughts. This desire could be for another similar situation, or it could still be for the situation between you and this guy.
In the second dream it is more likely that the guy in the dream should be looked at more symbolically than literally. Taking a step back from the situation, what's essentially happening is that you are receiving pleasure from something that you absolutely hate. The fact that the figure is this guy may have been a result of your first dream influencing your second dream or he could be another piece of the puzzle. Subconsciously, while you may not hate him, you could be showing more of your hate of rejection. In this case, it would be confusing for you to be recieving pleasure while hating the person/object that you hate in your waking life so it's more likely that while whatever it is, is attempting to please you and give you pleasure it is only getting strong, negatice feelings from you.
The part of the dream where he hits you with a car but comes out injured instead of you could be linked to the first half of the dream. It seems to say that actions against you are hurting the attacker instead, basically. Even as you seem to take blows, it's not you that's going to be hurt in the end. Whether or not this has a connection with the first half of the dream or even the first dream, is up to you to consider. Your dreams could be circling around a single issue, or they could cover a number of issues.
Tags: oral sex, sweet dreams, rejection, dream, guy, injured
Not Feeling Good Enough (Big Sister)
Liza, 18 writes...
Hey Ivette. I'm wondering if you've ever felt like you weren't attractive enough or good enough for whatever you've wanted to accomplish. If so, how did you deal with it? I guess at some point everyone breaks out of a shell and starts thinking that it's incredibly irrational and limiting to be so easily convinced of not being good enough. I don't know. I though I'd broken out of this shell, but this feeling haunts me whenever I get rejected by a guy (this has happened with every guy I've ever liked). I'm starting to lose hold on how to deal with it.Ivette says...
I think it's a fairly normal feeling that everyone goes through, especially when you're being a teenager and trying to discover your identity. There was a point in time where sometimes I felt like that, and even then I do get the similar feelings from time to time. What's gotten me to get better at it, it's to just have faith in myself and think positively. If things don't work out, I try to think that there's a good reason they didn't happen and that it was for the best of my future that they didn't. There's a reason why you didn't end up with the guys you like. Maybe there's a better guy out there waiting for you, don't think it's your loss, it's theirs. As you get to know yourself more, you will learn how to appreciate all the little quirks and faults that you have and embrace them. There's a guy out there for you, and he will fall in love with those same little flaws that make up you. My best advice is to take things lightly if a guy rejects you, whatever, there will be a plenty of other guys who come around. You're more worth than you realize and recognize that first so others can see it too
! Good luck! Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, tips, rejection, self confidence, puberty, low self esteem, attractiveness, not good enough