Reader Follow Up
Vacuuming Your Carpet Is Also A Lame Excuse (Ask A Guy)
Just Wondering..., 17 writes...
Hey Daniel,
So I wrote to you last week... my submission was titled "Shampooing Your Hair Is a Lame Excuse" and I followed you up on some of your suggestions. But now I'm more confused then ever! I was wondering if I could fill you in on some of the recent things, as well as some things that I forgot to post last time. I'm really hoping that you can help me figure out whether or not he likes me.
So first of all, I called Matthew and asked him why he was acting strangely. The conversation went kind of like this: (I started)
Me: Hey
Him: ...Hey
Me: What's up?
Him: ...Not much
Me: Did you do that physics homework yet?
Him: ...I just started it like 10 minutes ago.
Me: Oh...So I was wondering why you were acting weird towards me at school today. Did I do something wrong?
Him: ...No
Me: Ok then. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Bye
Him: ...Bye
And that was it. It lasted a whole 24 seconds, and pretty much every single second was filled with awkwardness. He was really hesitant before he said anything and he gave me mostly one word answers.
So anyway, after that happened, I figured he really wasn't that into me. Except here's the weird thing. The next day, he called ME, "just to talk". He said he'd arrived a soccer practice a little early and he was bored and decided to call me. So we talked on the phone for 10 minutes, about pretty much everything, and it was like it used to be between us - just us joking around and having fun. So now, obviously, I'm quite confused. I wanted to take your advice and ask him to help me with my physics homework after school sometime this week (which sounds pretty boring, I know, but it's what we used to do last year, and I have to admit... doing it with him is a lot more fun!). Hopefully, like you said, he would want to spend time with me and agree to help. But I thought I'd ask you your opinion about the recent goings-on before I jump into that.
So thanks again. You're the best!
Daniel says...
It doesn't sound to me like there is anything whatsoever that should prevent you from asking Matthew if he would like to get together to work on some homework. If the two of you have a history of working on homework together, this should give things a bit of a familiar, comfortable vibe and should enable the two of you to ease back into relating to one another as you used to. In short, the familiarity should cause the two of you to behave similarly to how you have in the past. In addition, it is unlikely that he would say no to something as benign as homework - I would classify it as a low risk, medium reward activity. It isn't going to give you any earth-shattering details about your relationship or what he thinks of you, but it will at last tell you if he's not interested in you.
If he does turn you down without a reasonable excuse, then you can be fairly certain he is uninterested. I'm not certain what his deal was when you called him, but it could simply be that he wasn't interested in talking right then because he was focused on his homework. When I'm deeply focused on something, it can sometimes be tough to extract myself from it enough to have a "normal" conversation. In short, you should be looking for patterns. One brilliant conversation or one awkward one does not establish how he feels about you. But if, over the next few days or weeks, you notice that your relations with him have become consistently less comfortable, then you have something you can pay attention to - something that may be proving a more reliable situation.
Be patient. Guys rarely change their minds overnight, so give yourself some time to develop an accurate impression of how this guy is going to behave toward you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, crushes, reader follow-up
Long Story. Short Answer.—Keep On Keeping On (Ask A Guy)
Confused and Troubled No More, 22 writes...
Thank you, Daniel, for your response. I have to say given the details and context of a situation you are wise and quite perceptive.
You're spot-on about the lingering psychological shock with going through with an abortion and that it's one of the things that I can't help but think about from time to time. Sometimes I will find myself weighing out if I could have possibly brought a life into the world in my current situation. I also can't help myself from not thinking less of the guy for his evasiveness, his lack of responsibility, his choice of words and advice, his manipulative play, and his curt and cold drop of communication. During the time I cut myself off completely emotionally, physically and even in indirect ways through not logging onto my game console for days, but I still respectfully responding to practical messages only questions related to work or functions. He asked me if he could call me and I said sure. He called and I told him I would be able to see him but not for long because I had to be somewhere in a few hours and he became open to conversation. He seemed like he just wanted to talk and he asked questions.
He did have several drinks, which was more of a reason for me not to prolong anything, he seemed to have needed it in order to overcome his shyness and introverted nature. I took full advantage of this time to address that I needed a clarification on what he wanted as friends with maybe benefits and that I couldn't trust him and how angry I really was and how I don't see him in the same light. He was silent and seemingly contemplative. I also asked him about why, according to him, he had told someone that he was unsure about dating and getting along with me and I asked him what his reasons were and what he feels about that today. He said his doubts and uncertainty about not dating and not getting along were long gone and he doesn't feel that way today. He added to his clarification that he wants to be friends since that's what I had always emphasized from the beginning and that if I wanted anything physical he would be okay with it and that it would be exclusive.
He voluntarily added that there was no other girl in his life but me. At some point he even checked my phone full of messages and asked me what spiritual associations I had. He never tried to initiate anything physical and tried to make me feel as comfortable as he could. In one word, he was a gentleman at least for that time (and surprisingly even though he had several drinks). He always seems to go into great detail when talking about his family, which makes me feel that his family is very important to him and perhaps number one on his priority list. Then it's his old friends and then me because it's also how he explained how he spaced out his leisure time.
We spoke and shared our ideas and opinions about different topics--worldly and personal--as well as about acquaintances and work. But I'm following your recommendation and I refuse to settle for anything less than the way I think I should be treated and hopefully this guy matures as a true friend with time and experience. I won't run away but I like keeping my reserved distance and I'm not so Confused and Troubled anymore : ) Thank you for PurplePJs and your advice, Daniel! I'm so ecstatic I stumbled on this site this year. By the way, I have to be honest in saying that profile pic and blurb of yours is attractive, catchy, and hot!
Daniel says...
Editor's Note: To catch up on the situation mentioned by Confused and Troubled, click here.
Thanks for the follow up--it's always nice to hear how someone is doing after they have sought advice. It's even more reassuring to hear things are going pretty well for you! I commend you for looking at this situation objectively, deciding upon a course of action, and sticking to your guns. This is particularly difficult when a guy approaches you and seems to be contrite, respectful, and desirous of repairing the damage caused by the history the two of you have together. Sticking to your guns is precisely what is needed, though. This guy's desires may seem to be on the up-and-up, but given your history together and his behavior in the past, you need to be on guard.
A respectful distance is advised. If he seems genuine in his efforts at reconciling your friendship, then you can allow the two of you to become closer as time goes on. But don't move too quickly and keep a watchful eye out for glimpses of this guy's old habits or treatment of you. I'm especially concerned, as you seem to be, by the fact that this guy had to have several drinks just to get through a somewhat uncomfortable conversation with you. While I don't doubt the propriety of anything he said while he was with you, it certainly seems a little suspect that he can't just man up and have a conversation with a friend without needing a little liquid courage to move things along. Behaviors like this are precisely the ones for which you should be on the lookout.
Keep up the good work and I hope things continue to go well for you!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, friendships, reader follow-up, past trauma