Pornography
Communication (Ask A Guy)
Sadie, 18 from United States writes...
Dear Daniel,
I know you must receive a lot of questions about this sort of thing, but I would really appreciate your straightforward, honest advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year. We recently moved in together and things have been great. We're best friends and we have an amazing relationship that I'd like to think is a very hard thing to come across, but there is a small thing that has been really bothering me lately. He still looks at porn, which I know because we share a computer and occasionally he doesn't close the window or I stumble across it in some other way (I try my best not to snoop). I know that it shouldn't be a big deal because men like to look at porn, and I know he loves me and everything, but now that we live together we have sex practically every other day, and it's certainly enjoyable and he's certainly being satisfied. I don't understand why he would want to jerk off when he knows I would be perfectly willing to have sex with him, or when we have sex so often anyway! I try not to let it get to me, but the fact is that it really hurts my feelings. I've never been controlling of him, and he's never been controlling of me, so I don't want to tell him he isn't "allowed" to anymore. It just really gets me down sometimes. From a guy's perspective, do you think I'm being unreasonable? What can I do to not take this to heart so much?
Daniel says...
I don't want to preach about whether or not your boyfriend should or should not look at porn. The determination about whether it's something either of you are interested in is up to the two of you. You need to decide whether or not you are okay with it at any level - and if you are comfortable with it, how much. In order to figure all this out, it is of paramount importance that you talk to your boyfriend about this concern of yours. Your boyfriend is 18 and is definitely on the upswing toward his sexual prime. Quite simply, he may want to be sexually active whenever he can get it and he may feel as though he is putting you out or being too demanding to ask you to keep up with all his sexual desires. At the same time, controlling one's sexual urges and not running to the internet whenever the mood strikes is an important lesson to learn.
Discuss this with him. It sounds as though the two of you have a healthy, functioning, communicative relationship, so there is no reason you should fear discussing this issue with him. If you don't discuss your concern with him, then the issue will fester, causing tension between the two of you. Your boyfriend may be unaware of your concern over his porn-viewing, but he certainly isn't a complete idiot. If you don't discuss the issue with him, he will sense the tension that results and likely won't be able to figure out what's going on.
For what it's worth, guys generally don't look at porn to degrade or objectify their girlfriends. If he wanted to do that, he would simply treat you like crap. On the contrary, guys look at porn because it is visually stimulating to them and for little other reason than that. Talking about this with your boyfriend will help you realize his specific motives. The two of you can then work together to find a happy medium - whatever that may be.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, jealousy, pornography
Porn-o-rific (Ask A Guy)
Feeling Cheated, 18 from Canada writes...
Hey, I just wanted a guy's opinion.
I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. We get along well and I enjoy spending time with him. There's one continuous problem in our relationship, though, and that is porn. He watches porn at least once or twice a day. This hasn't slowed our sex life at all but it makes me so angry I'm in tears over it quite a bit. I don't know whether or not it's cheating. He tells me that when he watches it he's imagining he and I in those positions and situations. Sorry if this is too much information, but he gets it from me pretty much every single time he sees me.
I don't understand why he needs porn. It makes me feel like I'm not attractive enough or good enough for him that he needs to look at other girls. Because of this, any time he mentions another attractive girl or anytime there's soft porn in movies and he gets outrageously turned on, I get so jealous and upset. He then tries to make a move on me and I don't want him thinking about another girl while he's with me. We were talking about our upcoming 19th birthdays and I mentioned how I can't deal with it if he goes to a strip club. He talks about marriage all the time and gets really defensive when I say I don't like strip clubs because he wants strippers at his bachelor party.
I honestly feel like I'm being cheated on but I don't know if it's right to feel this way or not. He asked for a compromise saying that we should film ourselves or I should just film myself and he can use that but there's no way in hell I'm doing that in case it gets around to other people and because I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I brought it up again about how much I hate it and he just said, well I gave you an option and you don't want to do it so it's kind of your own fault. I'd really like an opinion on porn, strip clubs, and the like. I've almost ended the relationship many times, but then I just think I'm being hormonal and that maybe I shouldn't be so upset about it. Thanks for your help.
Daniel says...
Before we get too far down this path, I need you to stop hyper-ventilating and think for a minute! You've got yourself so worked up over this that it seems as though you can hardly think of anything but this situation. Let's get the number one, most important fact in this situation out there: watching porn is obviously part of who he is and what he does. You have tried talking to him about it and that didn't work. Though, it remains to be seen whether your "talking" was whining and crying or an honest attempt to develop a coherent and persuasive viewpoint. Your talking to him now seems to have devolved into bothering him about it every time the two of you see one another. Even though the two of you are still intimate quite frequently, this issue has cast a pall over your relationship and now apparently dictates every aspect of your dialogue.
Let's look at this objectively. Some girls who write in about their boyfriends or husbands watching porn complain about the fact that their husbands watch porn when the girlfriend or wife is ready, perfectly willing, and able to perform in bed. On the other hand, your boyfriend watches porn and the two of you still have an abundantly active sex life. In fact, I suppose it could be possible that your boyfriend could have some kind of sexual addiction (though, let me be clear, he's certainly not forcing you to have sex with him). It could be that your boyfriend watching porn is increasing the health of your sex life and enabling the two of you to develop a deeper, more intimate connection. It seems like when your boyfriend watches porn, he wants you more.
Turn the tables. If you read a romance novel, got all hot and bothered, and ended up wanting to have sex with your boyfriend even more, you wouldn't be cheating on your boyfriend with Fabio or Don Juan. Not in the slightest! In fact, you would actually be doing something for the relationship rather than dragging it down with negativity.
Guys watch porn. Well, many guys do, anyway. Some watch porn as an escape from their dull sex life, their plain-Jane wife, or any number of other depressing distractions. Some watch porn as a chance to imagine something completely outside the realm of possibility. Others probably watch it to get ideas. Your boyfriend seems to watch it - at least in part - because it makes him want you more. This is evidenced by the fact that his offer to "stop" watching porn was actually an invitation to get you to participate in some (aside: don't film yourself - I am in no way advocating that. You are exactly right that you never know what can happen once you put something like that down on tape). The fact that your boyfriend's habits make him want you more is probably an aspect to all of this you haven't yet considered.
Now, on to whether or not porn is wrong and what you should do. I honestly cannot tell you whether or not watching porn is wrong. That is a decision everybody has to make for themselves based on their own belief system. But if you can construct an emotionless, factual argument as to why your boyfriend should not watch porn and he still won't give it up, then you need to consider whether or not he is the right one for you.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, pornography, know the guy you're dating, values and beliefs
Internet Blues (Ask A Guy)
Mary, 17 from United States writes...
This is kind of embarrassing to ask. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and things have changed so much recently. A few months ago he made a Myspace account. A girl sent him a message and he deleted it. When I found out, he completely denied even seeing the message even though I had proof that he saw it. A couple of days later there was some money in a drawer in my house. When I returned to the drawer not even five minutes later, the money was gone. When I questioned him, he got extremely mad at me for accusing him. Now yesterday, since it has been difficult trusting him, I went through his Internet history. I found a whole bunch of girls' homepages and a load of porn sites.
Of course, when I asked him, he denied it and said he wasn't even on the computer, but when I checked the dates and times the sites were visited, they were seen after I left his house the night before up until the time he left the house to go to the gym. What is going on? It makes me so upset that he would have to look at these sites. I feel like I am not good enough for him if has to do these things. I hate that he is lying because he is so much better than that. Things were so good when we first started seeing each other and I feel like I am not his number one priority anymore. I don't want to leave him. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but maybe he's just not attracted to me anymore.
Daniel says...
I'm going to set legality aside for a moment and just deal with the fact that your boyfriend is a teenager with a (seemingly) typical teenage guy's sex drive. To recap, you are upset at your boyfriend for (1) talking to other girls, (2) stealing money that you did not actually see him steal and have no concrete proof he did, (3) looking at porn sites on the internet, and (4) denying it when backed into a corner. Of course your boyfriend is going to deny doing anything even remotely wrong because you have established the precedent that you are his master and therefore possess the right of approval for every one of his actions.
Your boyfriend looking at porn is typical behavior for a teenage guy. I'd even go so far as to say it is expected. As for you going through his internet history, how do you expect him to be able to trust you when he knows that you are going to snoop through his possessions and files without even asking him? Trust has to start somewhere and it appears as though your boyfriend trusted you until you started lording over him. It is your job to loosen the chain on your boyfriend and show him that you trust him not to cheat on you. So what if he talks to girls on Myspace? There is a remarkable difference between exchanging messages with someone over the internet and inserting body parts into corresponding orifices. If these are not acceptable solutions, then perhaps you and your boyfriend are not meant for one another. He might need someone who will give him the freedom he needs as a teenage guy and maybe you need someone whose beliefs regarding pornography and the internet are more in line with your own.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, internet, pornography