Poor Friends
Friendly - With Motives (Ask A Guy)
Alex, 21 from Ontario writes...
Hi Daniel!
I've been having some trouble with a guy. About a month ago, he basically rejected me when I came out in the open about my interest in him. He said he had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. I readily accepted this and moved on with my life. However, after about two weeks he randomly reappeared and started showing interest in me, complimenting me subtly, and asking me questions out of the blue like, "what do you look for in a guy?" He invited me to go to this recreational volleyball thing with him and appeared to be extremely excited about it. He talked to me the whole day from work but then texted me later that night saying he had to stay at work to finish some report but that we'd go to volleyball the next time.
The next time, however, he didn't want to go because of some lame excuse about the players and that we wouldn't get to play on the same team because of the way teams get picked (blah, blah, blah). The following week I was upset about something and he really wanted to hear about it, so I told him, and he was surprisingly attentive and understanding. When I mentioned I didn't want to be home that night to deal with my familial problems he said, "maybe we can go for ice cream." So we talked on the phone when he left work and he said he'd call me when he got home and sorted his night out, but he never ended up calling! I texted him afterward and he replied saying he "fell asleep". I was really angry and expressed this, though he didn't seem too sorry. Two days later, he called me out of the blue and apologized, saying he felt bad, etc., etc. We had a nice conversation and then he said volleyball "might" be happening the next day and that he'd call me to confirm. Again, he never called. I'm really not sure what he's doing. Is he playing games? Is he just looking for attention? Is he confused? I know he works full-time and has a crazy and busy life, but I think this is disrespectful nevertheless - even if you have to cancel, you can still call! I don't really understand what his intentions are. I don't think he's just being friendly, since I have plenty of male friends and I know that's not how they work. What's going on?
Daniel says...
You're right about one thing. This guy isn't being friendly, he's being downright rude. It sounds like he is using your obvious interest in him as an excuse to walk all over you and play games with your head. Look at his behavior over the past few months and it is fairly easy to see a pattern in his behavior. First, he flatters you. He calls you up or approaches you, says all kinds of nice things to you and convinces you he is genuinely interested in getting to know you better. Then, he offers a chance for the two of you to hang out together. After you accept, he neglects to get in touch with you or plan further for your suggested get-together. Finally, the cycle starts all over again when he apologizes and begins flattering you once more. It's as predictable as it is sad (for him). The part that you need to take control of is the part where you agree to hang out with him. Right now, you're available to him and willing to hang out every time he gives you a chance. Change that fact. Next time he asks you out, simply respond that you are unavailable. If he asks you out again, give him the same reply. One of two things will be accomplished by following this course of action. If he is interested in you and simply has a really, really strange way of showing it, then he will take this as a sign that he needs to pursue you with more effort. But if he is not interested in you, he will most assuredly take this as a sign that you have lost your interest in him and move on to try his luck at torturing someone else. If a guy is just playing mind games with you, then he doesn't want to have to work at it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, poor friends