Peer Pressure
The Sexual Deviant (Ask A Guy)
Kaze25, 21 writes...
Hey Daniel!
I could really use some advice here. About two months ago, a guy I was interested in rejected me and told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and just wanted to have fun. He said this was because he had just gotten out of a relationship that ended badly). We sort of kept in touch for those two months, but didn't really talk a lot or see each other at all. A few days ago, we saw each other by accident at a sports event. He was being nicer than usual and was a little flirty. After the game I offered him a ride home since he lives on the way and he accepted.
The moment we separated from the group, he became a totally different person! He wouldn't shut up! He was extremely friendly and talkative, almost to the point where I thought he was blabbering out of sheer nervousness. In the car we had some interesting conversations and at one point he pointed out some girl on the street who he claimed looked just like his ex. I thought this girl was a LOT better looking, but I didn't say anything. He also started to tell me some stuff I found inappropriate for a "drive home", such as "I'm a sexual deviant". He also asked me if I'm a virgin (which I am) and asked me the reason why (if I had been saving myself, etc., etc.).
He then offered to stop for food if I was hungry, even though he had no intention of eating, and said he'd just sit with me and hang out. I decided not to so he said we should do it some other time and asked me if I'd be willing to do so. Of course, I said yes, and before I dropped him off he told ME to call him (what the heck?!) and told me (along the lines of) not to be discouraged if he doesn't pick up sometimes because he's "like that with everyone".
So I'm a little confused about all this. On the one hand I'm scared he just wants to have sex, but on the other I'm telling myself he's more honest than that. One male friend has told me if I DO go on dates with him I shouldn't let him kiss me or anything until like 12 dates have gone by to "protect" myself. I think that's crazy. I don't know what to do!
Daniel says...
First off, your unidentified "male friend" likes you. Guys watch out for the girl (space) friends, but they only get into intimate details (like how long a girl should wait to make out with a guy) if they have feelings for the girl. This is confirmed by the fact that he told you to wait a whopping 12 dates to do so. That's an understandable length of time if you're 15 or 16 and a little unsure on your dating feet, but expecting someone to wait that long when they are 21 is more than a little unrealistic.
What should you do about Mr. Sexual Deviant? The answer there is a resounding "BE CAREFUL." Not only has this guy admitted that he doesn't see eye to eye with you on one of the most personal issues a relationship will encounter (sex), he has admitted to being so far above and beyond your experience level that you can only call into question his true motives for dating you. It's possible that he's simply making up the part about being a sexual deviant in a hilariously awkward attempt to appear "cool" to you. But if he was joking, he demonstrated a clear lack of understanding of just what kind of person you are. If he wasn't joking, then he simply doesn't understand acceptable social behavior. In the end it doesn't really matter which it is - either possibility indicates the guy isn't really dating material.
There is nothing wrong with pursuing a friendship with this guy. After all, you don't need to see perfectly eye to eye with each and every one of your friends. But it sounds like your outlook on life is markedly different than this guy's - different enough that I would advise against pursuing a relationship with him.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, peer pressure
Frequent Fellacio (Sex Ed 101)
Anonymous, 17 writes...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, and we have engaged in oral sex, but nothing further. I'm very happy with this arrangement, but for the past few months he has been pressuring me for it all the time. I hate feeling like I 'have' to do something to keep him happy, and when I try to explain to him how being intimate is different to girls he shrugs it off and tells me to 'get over it'. I don't know how to change our sexual relationship so I feel like it's not something we have to have. Help?Brittany says...
First and foremost, your boyfriend needs to understand that any type of sex isn't a right - it's a privilege. I don't want to make it sound like it's something to be earned, but really, when you think about it, isn't it? Generally speaking, something like oral sex comes when two people trust each other, as well as respect each other... and pressuring somebody to do something when they don't want to, isn't okay.
You've done the right thing by explaining your feelings towards your boyfriend, but sometimes boys can be a little thick headed and not really understand the way you think they do. Sit him down again and tell him that pressuring you into doing it all the time, makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy with it. Let him know that you'd rather do it because you both want to, not because you feel it's an obligation... it's a way to express your feelings towards each other (emotional, sexual, etc.) and by doing it all the time, it's going to lose that excitement and the meaning behind it. Don't do it just to make him happy, though. Giving in to his pressure isn't going to solve anything.
Hopefully he'll get it, otherwise he's being a jerk. "Get over it" isn't an acceptable response to you explaining your feelings. If he doesn't understand and keeps pressuring you, lose him and find yourself somebody who's much more worth your time.
Tags: sex, relationships, blow jobs, oral sex, peer pressure, boyfriends, fellacio
Yes, They Do Have A Reason (Ask A Guy)
Really Annoyed, 16 writes...
Can boys and girls just be friends? I'm very good friends with a guy. We both like to dance and we make each other laugh easily. Everyone around us says that we like each other but we don't. Whenever I deny that I like him people give me that "you're in denial" look - even though I'm telling the truth. How can I get them to stop? It's very annoying.
Daniel says...
Not to be flip, but if you want them to stop, ignore them. People often say things purely to gauge someone's reaction or to get a rise out of them. If you don't provide a reaction for them to observe, then they will eventually lose interest in obtaining one. Unfortunately, folks your age are often the subject of a certain amount of ridicule, so your age combined with everything else make you something of a target. As I said, just ignore it and eventually it will go away.
With that said, it is extremely rare for a guy and girl to be able to be "just friends" without someone's feelings getting in the way. If you're a regular reader of this column, you know that there have been very few (if any) examples of a guy and girl who have remained nothing more than friends. This also helps explain why people would be a little skeptical of your "just friends" claims. Their persistence and knowing looks are only par for the course. After all - most of them were your age once, too.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, peer pressure, just friends, controlling reactions
Is 18 Months A Big Deal? (Ask A Guy)
Lucy, 14 writes...
So I've been talking with this guy for about two months now and we have talked about going out because we both like each other a lot. There are things going against us though, he lives an hour and a half away - with us only being able to see each other at the weekend. Also, he is a year 11 and I'm a year 9, which, while it does not seem like a lot (1 year, 6 months to be precise) - it's quite a big difference within school years. This has caused a lot of comments from his mates about how young I am compared to him. They pointed out how I'm not ready for the things he is/will be. Although I'm younger, I'm quite mature for my age (well, many people say so, also he seems to think so as well). I think that after a while I will be ready to start doing things with him as I already feel ready. He has told me numerous times how he wouldn't force me into doing things as well and I completely trust him.
Some people think that he his only going out with me because I'm young and therefore willing to sleep with him easier. Also, people think I'm only going out with him because he is older, but actually things really aren't like that, as I got to know him as a friend before we started to think about going out. I'm not really sure what to think. I know I really like him and I could see things going further in the future, but I would appreciate another persons perspective.
Daniel says...
There are some guys who don't consider age (within reason) when deciding which girl they want to date. Age is but a number in their minds, and it should take a backseat to more substantive considerations like personality, general compatibility, and physical attraction. But there are also guys who will target younger girls specifically because their age makes them more able to be manipulated. Conventional wisdom suggests that younger girls are more desperate to please an older guy because they feel more "special" or fortunate for having the opportunity to date an older guy. It doesn't sound like your guy is shady or of questionable character, so it could very well be that he likes you and genuinely wants to date you. Time is the best way to tell, though. If he's looking to date someone who is gullible and serves as an easy target, then he won't be willing to really pursue you. If he wants an easy target and sees that you won't be one (i.e. you want him to actually court you rather than jumping in the sack with him), then he'll quickly lose interest and stop putting forth any effort.
Ultimately, the only things that should matter are the opinions of the people involved. But that's rarely the case. In fact, friends' opinions usually carry much more weight than anything else. If his friends decide they want to rag on him for robbing the cradle or going after an easy target, then they immediately claim a certain amount of power over the relationship. While someone may be able to resist the opinions of their friends for some time, after a while those opinions will begin to weigh heavily on that person and influence their opinions. What's important if the two of you decide to date is that you remain confident and insistent that the two of you are dating for the right feelings so his friends tire of poking fun at your age difference.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, peer pressure, age differences
Peer Pressure (Coming of Age)
Peer pressure. It’s everywhere, for good or bad, but sometimes it can be hard to know how to recognize or handle it appropriately in some situations – and that’s why I’m here to help!
I bet that you – yes, you – have been pressured at some point by your peers to do something. No? Don’t think so? Keep in mind that peer pressure doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can be a friend bugging you to come to a study group, or to get involved with some healthy extra-curricular activities, like sports. On the flip side, though, peers can also pressure you into doing things that you might not want to do – like drinking, doing drugs, or cutting class.
So how do you recognize when it’s good pressure and when it’s bad? While it can sometimes be as clear-cut as those examples above, a lot of the time it’s not. One good clue is if you feel anxious, guilty, or unsure about something. If you feel like your friends are trying to get you to do something you think you shouldn’t be doing, then you probably shouldn’t give in. If you’re doing something just because everyone else is doing it – even if it’s just dressing a similar way – then you might want to think about it. Is that really what you want? Sometimes it’s good to take a chance, and do something just for yourself.
Peer pressure doesn't just come from your friends and classmates, however. Sometimes it can even come from people you have never met, in the form of commercials on TV or print ads. After all, they want you to buy their products, and they will do anything they can to make you do what they want. Of course, that includes peer pressure. For example, I bet if you flipped on your favorite TV channel and watched the commercials, you'd see people rather similar to yourself using whatever products the company is trying to sell. This is the "everybody else is doing it so why don't you?" kind of peer pressure - it makes you want to follow the crowd. But, as the saying goes, if everybody jumped off a bridge, would you follow?
That being said, just remember that peer pressure is not always a bad thing. Never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, no matter who it is doing the pressuring. The important thing is that you feel good about yourself, and are confident in your decisions. Good luck!
Tags: school, friends, teens, peer pressure, teenagers, growing up
I Want My Ex Back! (Big Sister)
Confused and lost, 15 writes...
I broke up with this guy that I really did like a few months ago because of the peer pressure of my friends. Like mostly every chick kept on saying how I would get hurt and all the negative, he was a player and a flirt. And I had to agree he was kinda of a flirt. And even though I talked to him the constant pressure made me break up with him. And as soon as I did I wanted to take it back and make it all go away. And every time I wanted to talk to him I'd see him with another girl...flirting, and it hurt. So I kept quiet, until finally my friend pressured me into at least getting my feelings out in a note which she gave to him. :/ Since then she's been talking to him about the entire situation... and the more she meddles the more I get hurt. Because through her I've found out he's moved on and not just onto anyone but onto a good friend of mine...who might like him back...she's not really evaluating. And right now I'm lost, confused, and hurt. I don't know what to do. If I should talk to him or what. Please help.Ivette says...
Your best bet is to actually approach your ex boyfriend and talk to him personally. You may not even know if your notes are reaching him, so make it more personal, call him on the phone and ask him when he is available to discuss some things. If you're able to talk to him tell him the truth and what happened. Even if you don't get back together, it's a lesson that you learned. Don't listen to your friends always! Go with your gut instinct. Some people naturally have a flirty personality, don't let that discourage you from dating them (or let others do so). There is a possibility that he will be very upset and want to date people you know but the best thing to do is come to terms with what happen and move on.Tags: advice, big sister, friends, high school, peer pressure, break up, crush, i want my ex back