Parents
Training Your Parents (Ask A Guy)
Contrary to popular belief (or is it salacious rumor?), your parents do not actually suck more than anyone else's. And your BFF Stacy's parents aren't as "cool" as you make them out to be when you are arguing with your parents. Conflict with parents is commonplace for kids - whether you are 10, 13, or 35 - and this is particularly true of the teenage years. But how do you manage these conflicts? What should you do when you've had your fill of your parents' closed-mindedness? Stay tuned, because I'm going to be covering some common conflicts with your parents, how to manage them, and some advice for how to approach your relationship with your parents. As you'll see, it's all about mindset.
Your Parents Aren't Monsters
Let me start by saying that everyone (and I do mean everyone) has some level of conflict with their parents. Compared to other people I knew in school, my teenage years were pretty non-controversial. But with that said, I still experienced my fair share of conflicts. Regardless of what their general outlook on their kids' behavior may be, parents have certain beliefs that guide how their kids should act. At the same time, teenagers are in a time of their life where they want to establish increasing levels of individuality and self-reliance. Couple this with the fact that your parents can remember changing your diapers and you depending on them for everything as if it was yesterday and you have a ready-made recipe for tension and conflict.
As embarrassing, mean, or restrictive as your parents may be, you have to realize that they aren't trying to hurt you. Well, in some of the more twisted cases you see on the evening news, they may be trying to hurt kids, but in 99% of cases, they aren't seeking to hurt their kids. The viewpoints they have are held out of love and a desire to protect you. Fear not, though. Your opinions and wishes do matter and there are ways you can win your parents over. Sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it is as simple as being smart about how you phrase a response or request.
Getting Started
The first thing every teenager needs to realize is that "everyone else is doing it" will get you as far along as a light jog in concrete shoes. Your parents don't care what everyone else is doing or even what your friends are doing. Their only goal is to protect you and ensure that you have everything you need to succeed. If your parents object to something you must be prepared to calmly give them the information they need in a logical way without insulting anyone in order to gain any ground.
In a lot of ways, you need to approach parental conflict like something of a business transaction. Letting emotions get too involved will only muddy the waters and force everyone to defend their position to an even greater degree.
Don'ts (or "How to Lose Before You Even Get Started")
There are some behaviors that automatically stack the deck against you, so you need to be very meticulous about your behavior when approaching a disagreement with your parents. If your parents suspect you aren't being straight-forward with them, you won't get anywhere. So before you wade into the waters of conflict with your parents, keep a few things in mind.
Rolling your eyes is a big-time no-no. I've often wondered if there is some genetic mutation that occurs when puberty starts that suddenly provides the ability for teenagers to roll their eyes. I know I did it, my friends did it, my siblings did it, and quite frankly, I can't think of a time when it did anything other than royally piss a parent off.
Unfortunately, turning your back to roll your eyes won't work either. I'm not sure if parents simultaneously mutate to be able to see through teenagers' heads or if it's just really poor body language on the part of the teenager, but parents can see that, too.
Never, under any circumstances, swear at your parents. Some families are more relaxed about swearing than others, but that honestly doesn't matter. Whether you cannot typically get away with saying, "gosh, darn it" or you are accustomed to letting an occasional "shit" or f-bomb fly, swear words have a societal construct that puts people on edge when they hear them. Don't try to be the person who changes societal attitudes toward swearing - it's not going to happen. Just accept that swearing isn't going to get you what you want and learn how to negotiate without it.
If you do swear at your parents, they will immediately tense up and you will be less likely to sway their opinion. And no, it doesn't matter that they swear on occasion themselves. In the mind of a parent, it's about respect. Being sworn at by their child, someone they raised, nurtured, and provided for, is a sign of disrespect similar to Shakespearean thumb bite.
Curfew
Perhaps the most basic of all teenage-parent quarrels is over curfew. Teenagers want the freedom they feel they have earned and parents don't want their kids' grades to suffer. There is also some apprehension about the thought of their teenage kids out doing who-knows-what into the wee hours of the morning. But negotiating a curfew doesn't have to be the painful process it has been in the past.
Remember that it's all about respect. If you approach your parents with a logical curfew request - and can back it up with adequate supporting information, they will be much more likely to agree.
From the parents' perspective, it's not about the curfews other kids have. They have their own parents and their own rules, so their realities are of no significance. Think about it this way: what have you done to deserve a later curfew? Maybe you've been on the honor roll for two or three or four straight semesters. If you can convince your parents that you are managing your school work and taking care of your grades, then that will help you.
Are you involved in any extra-curricular activities that take up your time? Extra curricular activities look great on a college application, but they also take up time you could be spending with your friends. If you're staying on top of your school work and spending a lot of time in some school-sponsored activities, then you can request that your parents allow you to stay out a little later on the nights when you aren't so busy.
"Where Are You Going?"
Or, in some cases, "where do you think you're going?" Both of these sentences make just about any teenager cringe. As much as we would all like to tip-toe out of the house without really having to answer that question, keep in mind that your parents are usually responsible for your actions. No one likes to think about something bad happening (like a car crash or a party getting busted), but the fact of the matter is, bad things do happen. If something does happen and they don't know where you are, that reflects poorly on them.
When faced with this type of question, it is important that you respond respectfully and informatively. At the same time, you can still maintain some privacy. There is a fine line between telling your parents everything and telling them what they need to know.
If you're headed to your friend's house, respond with something like: "I'm going to my friend Sarah's house - you've met Sarah before "several girls are getting together to watch a movie." If your parents are particularly nosy and want to know which movie, you can simply respond that you aren't sure. If they push regarding the other friends who will be there, you can respond with a couple names of people who might be there, but by no means do you need to feel compelled to give an all-encompassing list.
The thing to keep in mind is that giving your parents some information will make you seem helpful and informative, but giving them nothing will make it seem like you have something to hide and only arouse their suspicion.
"I don't like your friends."
This statement can apply equally to your boyfriend. Just about everybody has a friend who their parents think is trouble. And parents are almost preordained to dislike their daughter's boyfriend. But this is also a situation that, with some careful planning, can be managed. When your parents look at a friend or boyfriend, they see the potential problems (behavior, grades, attitude) that are evident in that person.
In this scenario, your goal needs to be to help your parents see what is good about the person - what you like about them or what drew you to them. Maybe they are a genuinely nice person who's just a little rough around the edges. Or maybe they're really funny and their humor is sometimes viewed as being a little off-color or disrespectful.
The first thing you need to find out is why your parents don't like the person in question. It's impossible to convince them they are misguided in their opinion if you don't even know the source of their disapproval.
Once you figure out why your parents don't approve of whoever it is, try to put the focus on the positive aspects of your friend. Don't ignore the truth, though. If your friend did something bad, then you have to be willing to accept that your parents may always be skeptical of them. But if your parents feelings are simply based on an errant belief then that is something you can fix.
"You can't wear that."
Bad news first: as much as it pains me to say, as someone who is financially dependent upon your parents, you owe it to them to not wear anything they find offensive. What if you buy your own clothes? Well, if that's the case, then I say good for you, but that is not the entire picture of financial dependence. Who pays when you go to the doctor? Who pays for your car and your insurance? Who makes sure you have a roof over your head and a pantry with enough food in it? I'm guessing the answer to most of these questions will be your parents. Unfortunately, as long as you depend on them, you owe them a certain degree of deference with regard to dress.
With that said, if your parents cannot outline anything offensive about your outfit, then they owe you deference in allowing you to dress how you want. Many parents just don't understand current fashion trends. At the same time, teenagers are often known for being completely unable to realize how their clothing choices affect others' perception of them. If you walk around with your pants hanging below your butt cheeks (guys) or wearing a skirt so short everyone behind you gets an NC-17 show (girls), that is neither good for your reputation nor will it attract the kind of people that are really worth hanging out with.
The first thing you need to do when approached with disapproval regarding your outfit is find out what, specifically, your parents don't like about it. Don't taint the conversation by referring specifically to anything - keep things general and ask what they don't like about your outfit. If they respond that you are showing too much leg, then offer to compromise by wearing tights or leggings. Find a compromise that enables you to still wear your favorite item while still giving them the comfort they need.
Sometimes arguments center around little more than parental disapproval of your fashion sense. Maybe your parents don't like the "punk rock" look that seems to be dominating your wardrobe these days. Or maybe your dad is wholly opposed to skinny jeans and thinks they're the ugliest, least flattering, most fashion-blind piece of clothing ever created. When this happens, as long as your parents cannot identify anything that is truly offensive about your style, they owe you the ability to make fashion choices for yourself.
Every parent looks back through their old high school yearbooks and photo albums and wonders "what was I thinking?!?!" about at least an outfit or two. Fashions change over time and everyone deserves the ability to make whatever choices they may like, even if they will be viewed as a fashion train wreck in ten years (tight-rolled jeans and jelly shoes, anyone?). Plus, communicating this fact to your parents will show that you are humble. If you admit that, in 10 years' time, you may very well regret wearing your skin-tight jeans and electric blue eyeliner, that will show that you understand where they are coming from but that you are looking to make your own mistakes.
Wrapping Up
Settling conflicts with your parents is about finding middle ground. You can't win every argument and you certainly can't expect to come out of every argument with exactly what you want. But if you show your parents the respect they deserve and construct sound, logical arguments to support your position, it will be very difficult for them to disagree with you.
Eating Disorders and Parents (Big Sister)
hungry, 20 writes...
I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 9. I go through periods where its under control and then periods where it just spirals out of control. I was treated once when I was really young, which seemed to keep it under control for a while (being 9, it was a lot easier for my parents to keep careful control of my meals and provide 'safe' foods too), but as I got older and gained more independence, it got progressively worse. It's especially bad right now, because I have my own apartment and complete control over what I buy for myself to eat, and I can engage behaviors that a roommate/sibling/parent would not allow. I am scared, I have lost a lot of weight since getting my apartment and I know that I don't eat properly, but I feel so hopeless. I know that my disease will be with me my entire life, and it just won't go away. I also am very, very, lonely. Since moving out of my shared house with roommates, I have alienated a lot of my friends since I don't like to do activities, that are centered around eating or drinking, which pretty much rules out everything that normal 20-something year-old do. On top of that, I am very weak and have very little energy so I am not terribly fun to hang out with anyways. All I do is sleep, walk and go to work. I tried to get treatment, but I couldn't even make it through the intake process I am not ready to commit to a program and I would just miss appointments and not show up, and not do what was expected of me to do on my own. I feel so alone and out of the two girlfriends I tried to confide in, one just completely stopped talking to me the minute I left her apartment, and the other tells me to "be normal." I can't. I kind of want to tell me dad about what's going on, just so I don't have to feel so alone in this, and maybe he could help me go to a doctor. I am a lot closer with him than my mom, who I would not be comfortable talking with about this. The only problem is, my dad is an alcoholic. When my disorder first showed up he was not doing very well either, and I don't think he was fully aware of what was going on with me (he did fight every doctor that tried to put me on drugs, which I will always be thankful for). My mom left him while I was in treatment, and she got full custody of me during the divorce so I never saw my dad much from ages 9-16. He is doing extremely well now, going on 1 year sober, and back in school for his addictions counseling certificate, and I don't want to harm his success with my problems. But I feel so scared and alone in this. Is it okay to tell my dad about my problem?Ivette says...
I am so sorry you're going through all this honey. This hits home since I went through something so similar to this when I was younger. Yes, it's true, eating disorders to a degree will be with you all your life but you need to know that you need to take care of yourself ASAP. I would recommend talking to both your parents about it. Typically, it would be the parent you have easy access and see the most. If you do not want to do that, just tell the person you feel more comfortable with-in this case your dad. Please, please if you go into treatment: stick with it. This is a disease and every time you skip a meal you're getting closer to death. I know that may sound a little harsh but its true, and you should recognize it. You're never under control when you have an eating disorder. Eating disorders dictate your life, they tell you when or when not to be "in control", and they just sabotage your health. Treatment and recovery are hard, but you can do it. This is something that you have to decide on your own and stick with it. No one can do this but yourself, you have to go to treatment, you have to deal with the ups and downs and you have to be able to pick yourself up. Having a good support system helps tremendously as well. This is where your friends, family and loved ones can step in. Heck, I'll be rooting for you too so you can get better! There are also hundreds of online support groups you can go to for eating disorders. You can find this here and treatment referrals as well. The first steps into getting better is you wanting to get better. Treatment only works if the patient wants to be part of it. Seek a counselor that can talk to you. You said you only worked so I am assuming that you work full-time. If you do, you can find great information on what you're being covered in the companies insurance. You can also look into yours and see if you speak with a psychologist or a counselor. You don't have to go into treatment right away, but I would recommend talking to one just so you can let that big burden of your shoulders. Talk to your doctor, to your dad, and seek help. You can find hundreds of online support groups on eating disorders, just like the one I just put up here. Good luck on getting better and I hope you get help as soon as possible!Tags: anorexia, eating disorders, advice, big sister, parents, psychology, psychology disorders, recovery, treatment, eating disorder
Relationships, Sex, and Moms (Sex Ed 101)
PandaBree, 18 writes...
Hey, I love the site especially this section. I mean that you girls have helped me so much, so now here I am again with another situation.
Me and my mother have a little bit more that your average relationship, meaning we are able to talk about everything from grades to boys to sex. Now there is this guy that I have been in a long distance relationship with for two years now (he has already had sex but I haven't) and he comes to visit me but my parents won't let me go visit him. Now he is like how he wants to come down here again. (He was also here this past August), so I asked my mother if he could come down here and she was like no because if you two get some alone time I know what's going to happen. So basically she doesn't believe me when I say that we won't have sex, and she keeps saying she likes him and everything but she doesnt believe that he is the one for me.
I don't know if this helps but I am 18 and he is 20 and I have known him since he was 18. I believe that I am ready for sex but I also have doubts because he has already had sex and I know that with some people once they start they can't stop. He also told me a few months ago that if I wanted to wait until we get married, he doesn't think that he could wait.
My mother also wants me to see other people that are in my area even though she likes him. I am just stuck because I want to have sex but then I also don't want my mother to be disappointed in me, and also I sometimes have doubts about him. I must apologize for this being so long this was the best way for me to put this.
Brittany says...
I, too, have an awesome relationship with my mom, similar to what you have. Even though she trusted me fully, and understood that I was going to have sex when I was ready, she wasn't ready for other aspects of my relationships. For instance, I couldn't have boys in my room and she wasn't too keen on me being over at my boyfriend's house late into the night when she knew we'd have ample amount of alone time.
As far as getting her to let you visit him, that might be tough. I know a lot of parents that kind of pull a double standard (he can visit, but you can't) and that's because they want to be able to be in more control of the situation. Your mom isn't stupid, she was young once, and whatever you say you could be doing when you're visiting him could be the exact oppoiste. But what I'm confused about is that your boyfriend has come to visit you before, but now all of a sudden your mom won't let him? Why would you have more alone time now, as opposed to not having it before, when she did let him stay? If you really want him to come visit you, you'll have to compromise with your mom. Suggest some things you think could work, and then have her suggest some things if she doesn't like the ideas that you have. Hopefully, you two and come to a solution together.
Aside from that, your mom is probably a little concerned at the length of time you two have been dating and the fact that it's long distance. If you're getting more serious, she might be thinking about how young you are and how little you've experienced. It can be tough to know "this is the one I want to be with" if you haven't experienced dating anybody else. Outside of high school, the dating life is completely different and you might realize that there is something better out there for you. I'm not suggesting leaving your boyfriend and dating somebody else to see what it's like, I'm just trying to show you how your mom might see it. Try talking to her and asking her for reasons she wants you to date other people in the area, but I'm betting it's these same reasons, even though she does like your current boyfriend.
One thing I read and was a little concerned about though is the fact that he claims he cannot wait if you wish to wait until marriage to have sex. Any boy that is worth your time is going to want to wait because he's not going to want to pressure you to do something you aren't ready for and he's not going to want to lose you over something as petty as sex. A respectful man is what you want to spend your life with, not somebody who cannot wait for you. Really, what kind of man is that? He's just a boy. Aside from that, you already said yourself that sometimes you have your doubts about him and are unsure about having sex with him... don't do something because he wants you to, do it because you want to. While having sex won't make you go crazy for it and be unable to stop (I'm sure it could be that way for some people, but the rare few are known as "sex addicts"), having sex won't make you feel any better about your relationship with him. And the guilt or disappointment that you fear your mom might have could completely ruin what would otherwise be a great experience for you and the person you choose to have sex with for the first time.
I think you might need to take a step back and look at all your relationships in your life, with your boyfriend, your mom, and last (but sure not least), yourself. You need to do what is best for you, and you alone.
Tags: sex, relationships, long distance relationships, parents, boyfriends, waiting until marriage, moms
Living With Your Mom (Big Sister)
hmmm?, 18 writes...
Alright, well I'm 18 and have a fairly awesome job. So my mom and I are thinking about moving into a house, Ive tossed around the idea of moving out, but I just think it's a little silly to live in the same town and have to pay two sets of bills. See, its been me and my mom for years, so were used to each other and shes always treated me as another adult... so none of this is odd to me. But all of my friends and even family, thought I was crazy when I decided I wanted to go in on buying an actual 'house' with my Mom. Saying that I'll want to move out soon, or my boyfriends will think its weird. My mom and I have discussed this, and figure Ill have a basement 'apartment' type thing going on or whole top floor or something of my own, so I could have people over whenever without her being able to hear every step we take. From any kind of experience you or someone you know may have, would a guy or even other girlfriends, new people I meet, find this weird? Not that I care to be weird
But I'm just curious what someone with an objective opinion has to say? Thanks so much!! amanda says...
I definitely do not think it's odd. Living in the same house makes total sense if you are not going away for school or anything like that and if you are 18. Having a floor, or the basement to yourself it totally cool. Don't move out until there's a solid reason to, or you feel comfortable financially to support yourself. Your mom seems to be really cool too. I don't think boyfriends or friends will find it weird. Also, you will probably still have alone time since your mom won't be home 24/7. You've got an awesome thing going on for you! Enjoy decorating the new place!Depression or “Teen Angst”? (Health Nut)
Alyssa, 15 from New Hampshire, USA writes...
How can you tell the difference between true depression and the "teen angst" adults talk about? I find it hard to believe that how I feel on a regular basis can be considered simply hormones.Jamie says...
Great question! What many parents don't realise is that depression is more common in teens than in adults. Yet even with these high numbers of depressed teens, only 20% seek help.Part of the problem that people have when trying to figure out teen depression is that they assume that depression=sad. While feelings of sadness are certainly a part of depression, what researchers have found is that in teens the depression will often make them irritable and grouchy moreso than just sad. So how does one tell this apart from 'teen angst'...? It depends on how you want to look at it. Some people have suggested that teen angst is actually depression, but that it was never identified and went untreated. Others feel that if you wait long enough, the feeling will pass. However, the same could be said for depression as well.
The best way to approach it is to look over the symptoms of depression, and see how many you identify with. Teenshealth.org has a great page on depression, and here's a quote from their list of symptoms.
- depressed mood or sadness most of the time (for what may seem like no reason)
- lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
- inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure
- withdrawal from friends and family
- irritability, anger, or anxiety
- inability to concentrate
- significant weight loss or gain
- significant change in sleep patterns (inability to fall asleep, stay asleep, or get up in the morning)
- feelings of guilt or worthlessness
- aches and pains (even though nothing is physically wrong)
- pessimism and indifference (not caring about anything in the present or future)
- thoughts of death or suicide
Since it can be hard to put things into perspective when a person is depressed, I strongly suggest keeping a journal, and writing down how you feel and when you feel it. The reason being is that depression often makes it hard to remember things and focus, so writing down your thoughts will help you to see what you have felt, and if you are feeling better or worse.
Most importantly though, if anyone thinks they are suffering from depression, don't suffer in silence. You may feel no one cares, but that's not true, that the depression making you feel that way. The best way to deal with depression is to see your family doctor, and lay it on the line with them. They will be able provide the help you need.
If you (or anyone else) is depressed and you have parents that think that it is just 'teen angst', I would recommend a book called "More Than Moody: Recognizing and Treating Adolescent Depression", by Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, a child psychiatrist. (Amazon link) The paperback is only $6 bucks new (or 1 cent + shipping for used copies), or you can probably find it at your local library. The book has been endorsed by the presidents of the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, as well as former depression sufferers Tipper Gore and "60 Minutes" newsman Mike Wallace. Have them read it, and that should give them a better understanding of this complex issue.
(Originally posted in December 2005 - edited for content)
Got a health related question? Worried about something and you want an adult opinion? Let me know. Click here then scroll to the very bottom of the page and enter your text into the box - then click submit.
Tags: health nut, parents, teens, suicide, sad, depression, symptoms, teen angst
Family Nightmare (Big Sister)
Janet, 19 writes...
Sorry if this is kind of long but I need some advice. My aunt is a hairdresser and has her own business. Well, during the summer I went to get my hair dyed as my debs were coming up in a week. I had made an appointment but when I arrived she told me she thought I wasn't coming until next week. She was busy at the time and told me to come back in about an hour. I left my overnight bag behind her desk as I stay at my gran's during the summer while I work. I went shopping for shoes for the debs and when I came back and she still was not ready for me. So after a bit she washed and put the colour in my hair, at this time it was only the two of us in the place. So while the colour was setting in my hair my aunt said she would run to the bank while I was there, but just before she left she asked me if I had change for eighty euros, I told her I hadn't but she insisted I looked in my purse anyways. I did this and I didn't have it as I said. She then told me to look in a certain pocket in my bag, where I had about seventy euros, I had forgotten about it since I had kept it for buying my shoes. She asked me whose it was and that she was missing money, and then asked if it was hers. Of course it wasn't hers, so when I told her this she started to apologize. While she washed the colour out of my hair she kept complimenting me and asking if I though she was accusing me of stealing from her. Of course I did but I just said I didn't to keep things calm. Anyways after washing my hair she cut it a little, straighten my hair and messed up my fringe. She then charged me fifty euros. I didn't know if I was going to tell my mother about what happened because she and my aunt (her sister) have had a rocky relationship since I can remember. I went to work for the next five days and by the time I got home I had completely forgotten about it, as I had my debs (which I was really disappointed). Now a few weeks ago (four weeks later) out of the blue I got a text from my aunt saying "don't ever pull that on me or anyone else again I am still very upset, and never said anything to your mam or dad about it. I would never upset them that way". As this point I went to tell mam straight away, where dad lost it completely with my aunt. She kept trying to call mam but she refused to talk to her. I then got another text from her saying "that's not fair, you knew about this, its no big deal but not having my only sister not wanting to talk to me is thanks". At some point while I was out mum did talk to my aunt where she told her she seen me take the money, she also said she didn't cut any of my hair (which she did) and also said she only charged me thirty euros. Now mum has a reason not to believe me, which she has told me, she feels she's in the middle of it all. She hasn't spoken to my aunt since and, even though I didn't do anything wrong (apart from not saying about it in the first place), I feel it's my fault. I can't get the whole thing out of my head, its driving me crazy. I'm afraid to walk past her place on my own or fear I'll meet her in town and she'll attack me or something! I'm so down over it and afraid of other family members finding out and thinking I'm in the wrong.
Ivette says...
I would just like to remind you that you didn't do anything wrong. Your aunt is pretty messed up to accuse you and then take it back and then accuse you again. There is also a reason why your mom and her don't have a good relationship (maybe she has exhibited the same kind of behavior before). Don't bring yourself down, you didn't do anything! If someone finds out and asks you about it, you should tell them that your aunt accused you of something you didn't do. There are many ways to question her story. Why would you be there if she wasn't going to cut you're hair? If she saw you get the money, why wouldn't she tried to get it back? There is so much you can do when walking by your aunt's shop. I would try not to go back with her to get your hair fixed, and if you do, to get a receipt every time you do. If you're still feeling uncomfortable about it, talk to your parents. Tell them that you feel guilty about something you didn't do. You can also talk to them about what happened and that you're scared of getting attacked by her (I honestly would). Maybe they can help you feel better and clarify any other kind of misunderstanding. If things don't improve with your aunt's behavior (like her texts or threats), I would go to the police station just to file a report. This way your aunt won't be able to file a report on you first, and you have the upper hand if it comes to the law getting involved. Hopefully, everything will be forgotten and next time be sure to go with a different stylist!Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, parents, problems, family feuds, psychotic aunts, hair style disasters, liars
Road Trip: Asking Permission (Big Sister)
ColoradoChic2010, 17 writes...
I am currently a senior in high school in Colorado and me and my friends would like to go on a road trip after graduation. My best friend's grandparents live out in California and apparently have a very spacious house where the five of us could stay for the week. The only problem is that my parents don't think I should go because it's "not safe". I don't get it! My friends are all good kids that my parents have met and approve of, and I will be the only person on the trip that will not be 18, but I'll only be a few weeks shy of it. I told them that we would stop at a hotel halfway there so that we wouldn't be driving through the night, that I would text/call them regularly with updates, and that once we got to CA we would be staying at my friend's Christian grandparents home. But they still won't go for! I'm trying to be reasonable, but I feel that as a straight A student taking 4 AP classes while captaining a very young lacrosse team that I have proven myself to be responsible and therefore should be trusted to have this one last carefree escape with my friends before we separate for college and never see each other again. Any ideas that might make my parents more comfortable with allowing me on this road trip? Thanks for any advice! Ivette says...
Oh, I think your parents should become good friends with mine. My parents are exactly the same. Even right now where I am on my way to my 20s they still feel the need to restrict me from doing things with my friends. I thought this was always strange since I never went to party when I was in high school. I stayed in all the weekends, did my homework, spend a lot of family time, and never gave them any trouble. When it came to asking them to allow me to do certain things, they would always oppose. It seems that throwing them the whole "I-am-an-A-student" won't work because in some instances your parents do expect you to get good grades and be a good kid. So I would advice you not to do that. This winter holiday I actually went to a cabin and spent a whole weekend together with a couple of friends, in normal circumstances they would of never let me, but I'll give you some tips on how I made it possible. First, you have to recognize which parent you get along with the most. Start confining to them more and just slowly talk to them about the trip. Every time they ask about your friend you can say "Oh she is fine, she is pretty excited about the graduation trip". And you can leave it at that. This way your parents will be conscience how much the trip means to your friends. Don't try to insist on you just going or asking them to think about it. When they see you're handling it better, they will reconsider their choice.Spend time with them, something I notice is that parents sometimes don't really know their kids. Sure they may know what kind of personality you have, but do they really know you? Having a good relationship with your parents is very important, show them what type of music you like, talk to them about school and your friends. Maybe opening up to them will help you in the long run. Invite over your friends if you can so your parents can get comfortable with them even more, and they can see what type of teens they are. Also, make them participate in graduation preparations. This way your parents will see how important graduation is to you and your friends. When April starts rolling in, make sure you have talked to your friends about the trip and planned everything perfectly. Parents like plans, it's more likely for them to approve of something that is neatly planned than the typical, "Hey, I am going to Cali, peace out!". Write in a piece of paper an agenda of what you will do each day, phone numbers and addresses. Make sure a responsible adult with a license will be driving the car. Hopefully these tips will work out, good luck!Tags: relationship, parents, teens, high school, independent, growing up, seniors, road trip, graduation
Secret Boyfriend (Big Sister)
Tiff, 15 writes...
Hi I'm 15 years old (turning 16) and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 months now. Since my parents feel I'm too young for a boyfriend I kept it a secret. However, now everyone knows except my dad. Everyone, including my mom is okay with it. But I'm scared my dad will find out. He says I shouldn't have a boyfriend until I'm 18. So now when I want to go out with my boyfriend I have to lie to my dad saying I'm going to the mall or the movies with my "friends". Now my dads starting to get a little suspicious, so I was thinking of more excuses, but I don't want to lie anymore. Help please!! Thank you! Ivette says...
This is a tricky situation to deal with, but it's better for you to gradually come out clean. Invite your boyfriend over to your house, and familiarize him with your dad. You can start out by saying friends but I am sure that the more he spends time with him the more comfortable and "used" to your dad will get about him being your "friend". Talk to your dad about him! After he leaves the house you can tell your dad something fun or interesting you find about him, or how caring he is. By this, your dad will see what a great boyfriend potential he has and it would be easier of him to approve of you dating. Get your boyfriend to come to some family dinners so your overall family can get to know him. I know it may seem a little uncomfortable for your boyfriend, but it's better for your parents to know him than think you're dating a total stranger. When your parents (especially your Dad) gets familiarized with him, you can act like you really like him and talk to him about how you hope he asks you on a date or something. From this point, your dad will start familiarizing with the idea that he might become your boyfriend, so the day you tell him he's your boyfriend he won't be completely in shock about it. Parents, especially fathers, have a hard time letting go of their daughters out in the dating world. I am sure your dad doesn't want you to get hurt or anything by a guy so this is why he opposes dating until you're older and more mature. Be patient, and hopefully your mom can help you out when you do agree to tell your dad you're dating your boyfriend. Good luck!Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, dating, parents, boyfriends
Following Your Dream (Big Sister)
Esther, 17 writes...
I'm really having a tough time convincing my parents to let me go to the college program of my choice. I want to act and I have loved being in drama classes all throughout high-school. My parents have supported me and come to watch all of my performances. now, suddenly, when I want to pursue this more seriously they are telling me things like "You can't just to acting" and 'You can do it on the side" but they won't let me focus on my art in school. This saddens me. I want to pursue my passion but they are preventing me from doing so. They said they won't help pay for my school at all if I go into acting. I don't have enough money to pay for it myself! I really just do not know what to do...amanda says...
There are a lot of people that I know who had a similar problem. One of my friends specifically wanted to pursue post-secondary schooling in music and her parents were not pleased at all. She ended up applying anyway and making it in to a very prestigious program. At that point, her parents felt like they couldn't tell her no. So that is one option. Apply anyway and hope your parents realize how important this is to you. Another option is telling your parents you will look into getting a loan. I know where I live, you need a parent to co-sign on loans if you do not work full time. Ask them if they would be willing to do that. Just by asking them they will hopefully realize how serious you are and maybe they will reconsider. Honestly, I think you should follow your passion no matter what. Every student I know who is not in the program of their choice find it hard to go to class and do well. it's because their heart is not there. Talk to your parents about this. If they spend their money on another program, it will be a waste of their money and your time since you will always focus more on your acting. If you can get your drama teacher to even talk to them about how intense drama programs can be and what you can do with it once you've graduated. Hopefully they will understand.Parent’s Might Not Let Go (Big Sister)
Mitchee, 21 writes...
Hey, I'm in a bit of a situation. I've been back at home for winter break for a few weeks now and I'm starting to feel frustrated with my family. I get away for school and in that time I start to feel more my age and I'm surrounded by a lot of people who respect my opinion but here, it's like I'm a kid again. And I slowly fall into that since, as they say, you find yourself acting the way people treat you. It's starts out okay in the beginning but then there are these small comments thrown in every so often. I don't have a boyfriend, and as my family keeps saying I apparently won't have one for a while, then I don't have a job and I'm up late like some "vampire" and they joke about all of these. I try to defend myself but it's like I'm not allowed to stand up for myself. I'm not allowed to be upset or receive enough respect to at least be heard. I find myself releasing my frustration in all the wrong places when all I want to do is ask them to stop. I know I'm not completely independent and my love life is kind of on pause at the moment but don't I deserve some sort of respect? I'm trying to improve myself and their remarks are just a constant reminder that every step that I think I'm taking isn't being seen by them. I'm still a child to them. What do I do?Ivette says...
Sometimes, our parents may look at us and still think we're little kids. They can't cope that we're slowly and surely becoming adults and this is why your family could act out by treating you like a kid. In their eyes, your their child. Some parents have a really hard time letting go their kids. I am sure your parents respect you, though they may take you more lightly than you would like them to. I know it can hurt when your parents brush you off when you're trying to speak your mind but it's better to just remove yourself from the situation. If your parents are making an inappropriate joke about you, stand up and leave the room. When you cool off, you can attempt to talk to your parents seriously and tell them what's on your mind. It's not really what you tell them that counts, it's how you tell them. Have you tried being mature about it, in a sense where you don't nag to them but directly talk to them? Say thing things like, "Noooooo mooooom, stoooop!" would definitely not work in your favor. Try to be direct and assertive if you haven't tested that out. See how they react when you seriously tell them to stop. If your parents aren't getting the hint, step out of the room for a moment in order to recollect yourself and think of what else you could do. Don't let them babying you make you turn into a baby, because that's what will happen. And alas, it's a vicious circle. Parents will treat you accordingly to how you act so be aware of that. Do more things on your own, if you're going out tell them don't ask them for permission. Sometimes when you tell your parents "hey can I go to..." they will still think (or would like to think) that you're still a teenager. Change things up by saying, "hey I am going to so and so's house, I'll be back ..." Hopefully your parents will realize that you're old enough to make decisions and that you don't need to ask them for anything. Good luck!Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, parents, family, not letting go