Mistakes
What’s A Slut? (Ask A Guy)
girlie12, 18 writes...
Hey...
For New Year's I went to a friends house and we all went out. My friend's boyfriend brought his friend so he could keep me company. We all went out to a club and I got really drunk. I kept on talking and and talking and made a complete fool out of myself. It was his first time going to a club and I'm guessing that I completely ruined his night. Then we all came home me and that guy and I were sleeping on the floor and my friend and her boyfriend were on the bed. I am a virgin and I have never done anything except make out with a guy. So I guess we were kissing and started to pull out his thing and told me to feel it. I didn't know what I was doing, so I started touching it. Then he told me to suck on it. I told him I had never done that before, but he was like just try it...so I did. Then I guess I stopped and he wanted me to continue on. He was like, "I didn't even bust yet, keep on going". So I guess I didn't even do it for that long. The next morning I woke up and I found out what I did. I felt very ashamed of myself because seriously I have never done things like that before and I am the type of girl that wants to wait until I get married. But I can't erase what happened.
So, my question is will a guy get mad at a girl if she stops giving him head before he busts or is he going to understand that I was drunk and I didn't know what was going on?
Also, am I considered a slut for getting drunk and giving head?
Daniel says...
Obviously, your first sexual experience did not happen under the scenarios you would have liked, but you can take heart in the fact that you didn't actually have intercourse with him. You want to save yourself for marriage (a laudable goal indeed) and despite this bump in the road that goal is still attainable. As for your first question, some guys (the pigs) will get mad at a girl for refusing to keep performing oral sex on them until they orgasm. But is their mood really what you should be concerned about? You did something you are ashamed of and you seem to be somewhat appalled at the way this guy treated you yet you find yourself concerned about what the guy thinks of you. Rather than worrying about what this guy thought of you stopping because you were drunk, you should remind yourself that you were drunk, inexperienced, and uncomfortable.
When you are sexually active with someone, you must be comfortable - completely comfortable - in order to truly enjoy it. If you're worried about what the guy is going to think of you doing something or not doing something, then you're not truly relaxed and you're probably not going to enjoy what's going on. And if that's the case, you'd just as well stop because it's not going to be fun for him, either (and if it is, he's just sick).
As for whether you're considered a slut for getting drunk and giving head, when someone is called a slut it's because there is a pattern of risky or promiscuous behavior. One time does not define a pattern. While there are cases where a guy may call you a name because of your behavior this one time, such finger-pointing doesn't hold water and the vast majority of people will know that. No one in life is perfect and the important thing is how you react when you identify that you have made a mistake. If you continue behaving as if the New Year's incident never happened and go about being your normal "waiting for marriage" self, then there's no way you can be a slut. Did you make a mistake? Sure, but that doesn't make you a slut.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, one night stands, mistakes, creepy guys
Relationship Relapse (Ask A Guy)
About six months ago, I ended a relationship with someone I loved very deeply. The split hurt us both very much, and because of that fact we didn't speak until about three months ago. When we started talking & hanging out again, things were fine. We got along and it was really nice to talk to someone who knew me (without the complications of being with him). I did, however, notice a strong attraction lingering between us. I knew I didn't want to go on that roller coaster again, so I never gave it a second thought. Until, one night we were having some drinks & ended up sleeping together. I felt so embarrassed, because I honestly don't remember what happened and it is the only time I've ever blacked out. The next day we discussed it and agreed that we wanted to stay friends.
But of course, nothing ever really works out that way. Our conversations were not as deep and he seemed more awkward. I felt bad for ruining our new-found friendship, so I gave him some space. After a while, he just stopped talking to me at all. When I asked him if there was a problem, he insisted that nothing was wrong, that he had just been busy lately & he was sorry he couldn't stay in touch. I foolishly believed him. This Sunday is the two-year mark of my little sister's death (who was also a very best friend of mine), a sad day for all who loved her, but nonetheless I wanted to enjoy it with people I cared about. I asked him if he would like to meet for coffee & talk, since we were so close when it happened & I felt comfortable talking to him about it. He said, maybe and that he would get back to me later.
Today I came to find out he is seeing someone new and he doesn't think she would like us hanging out, but he still wants to be my friend. Am I right to assume that this is really just the end of our friendship? We have put each other through so much, and although I don't want to lose him as a friend, I feel it would be inappropriate to be the ex that still hangs around. I think he would be happier if I just left. He didn't say anything to me after that. This feels like my only choice, & I'm not sure what to think. I wonder what he thinks of it, trying to have her and still be my friend, too. But only in secret? I wonder if he'll miss me. I am so heartbroken over the whole thing. How do I set myself free? I wish I could just erase him.
Daniel says...
You are accurate in your assessment that you are careening toward the end of your friendship with this guy. He has opted to move on and, while it has taken him a long time to get to this point, his decision cannot be considered unexpected or surprising. You broke up with him, so it is entirely expected that his feelings for you would linger for quite a while. You made the decision to move on, which means you actually started moving on long before you actually ended things. So in effect you had a considerable headstart on him. It is entirely likely that your alcohol-fueled roll in the hay set him back fairly significantly and gave him hope that the two of you might work things out. I'm guessing your morning "conversation" was fairly one-sided and he may have done little more than nod in agreement. He was scared of upsetting you and heartbroken to realize that you had made what you viewed as a mistake.
As a result of this conversation, your ex-boyfriend decided to just give up - he would rather move on completely and find someone else than risk having his heart broken yet again. Part of him will always miss you. As your relationship fades into the rearview mirror, he'll remember the good times, forget the bad times, and look back on your relationship with a smile. Relationships just have a way of doing that to someone. As for how you move on, you need to give yourself a chance to move on by joining a new club, finding a part-time job, or doing something that will get you out and about. You are heartbroken right now because you don't have anything else going on to keep your mind busy. So get yourself busy thinking about something else and you'll slowly start the process of moving on.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, moving on, one night stands, mistakes
Alcohol - All Bets Are Off (Ask A Guy)
sabrina, 19 writes...
After a big party three weeks ago at my best friend Leah's house, Leah, this guy I've been casually seeing for about a month (Tyler), and I were all cleaning up together at about 5 am. We were all still wasted, but everyone else had already left. While cleaning, Tyler and I were flirting and kissing a lot. Leah kept laughing because of the awkwardness, so Ty joked a couple times, "Leah, you wanna get in on this?" I don't think he expected her to respond, but the second time he said that, Leah turned to me, giggled, and said "if Sabrina is okay with it." I froze up for a bit, and said "fine" and they pecked/kissed on the lips.
It made me feel really uncomfortable, especially because Leah and I promised each other about a month before to NEVER do anything with a guy the other was with. I also think that was disrespectful of Tyler - to do that right in front of me and all. Before Tyler left, he kissed me for about 10 seconds, gave Leah another peck, then kissed and hugged me again and said he'd dream about me. Tyler went back to boarding school, so that's on hold till next summer anyway. I told my friend I didn't like what she did, and she complained about being a third wheel during cleanup, so I just said I forgave her and moved on.
However, I can't stop thinking about this whole situation. I was really starting to like Tyler and really starting to trust Leah...now I just feel like I always need to watch my back. What does this demonstrate about Tyler? Was he trying to switch and go for Leah instead? And what kind of friend is Leah? Normally she's really good to me.
Thanks Daniel!
Daniel says...
I think what this says about Tyler is that he was drunk. If you're stretching things a bit, you may be able to conclude that he's a horny drunk, but you're really not safe in assuming anything else. Remember that you had been drinking all night and you even admitted the two of you were going pretty hot and heavy during the party cleanup. This undoubtedly made Leah feel a little awkward and Tyler was probably able to pick up on that. Body language is a dead giveaway as to how someone is feeling and being a little drunk certainly doesn't impede one's ability to interpret it. In fact, being drunk may have made Leah's behavior even more obvious, making it even easier for Tyler to pick up on it. When he asked Leah if she wanted to get in on the action, he was probably just trying to lighten the mood; I'm guessing he never expected it to actually go anywhere. Let this be a lesson that if you are uncomfortable with a situation, you need to speak up!!!
It certainly doesn't seem like Tyler was trying to "switch" or exchange you for Leah. He still kissed you last and told you he would dream about you - as best I can tell he gave Leah no similar indication. As for what kind of friend Leah is, I'd say it sounds like she was a drunk friend - a drunk friend who sought your approval before kissing the guy you are interested in. Be very careful trotting out promises the two of you made to one another; those promises were made when you were sober and when alcohol is involved, promises and plans are often tossed right out the nearest window. Or down the nearest flight of stairs. Or through the...you get the idea. Let this serve as a lesson to you that you should never be afraid to speak your mind when you stand a chance of having your feelings get hurt. If Tyler had a problem with you putting the kibosh on him kissing Leah, then he wasn't the right guy for you. And if Leah had a problem with you not wanting her to swap spit with your guy, then she's really there only for herself. Next time, lay off the booze and try giving being yourself a chance.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, flirting, mistakes, alcohol