Missed Chances
Romeo Must Be Ignored (Ask A Guy)
Km!ss, 18 writes...
This may seem futile to most people but its been bothering me for years. I'm 18 , I grew up with this guy from middle school on up till, well, now. In middle school we weren't really close friends. We always had classes with each other but never quite talked. I mean, we did have conversations but we weren't friends, either...if that makes sense.
I'd say he matured a lot my eighth grade year - he was still immature but not as immature. I could kind of tell he liked me, but he asked my friend if I liked him and he wasn't shy about it. He would jump into our conversations and other stuff like that. Anyway, we went on to high school and for a few months we fell out of contact. My freshman homecoming was around the corner and we got to talking and we've talked on and off since. So here's the problem:
During my freshmen year I moved to a different state, and we talked everyday one way or another. About a month after moving, he asked me out. I turned him down because I didn't want to date long distance - especially not when I really, really liked him. I guess in my mind I thought it would be better to put it off until after high school. Everyone said I should get over him because we wouldn't last past the summer. Well, almost four years later we have.
It's not as constant as it used to be but good enough especially with the distance and not seeing each other. Needless to say, he was obviously hurt when I turned him down, and from that point on we kinda played cat and mouse with each other. Despite the little games, we ALWAYS came back to each other. We never really dated, but we had serious emotional ties with each other. Even when we were dating other people we kept talking. But we had so many chances to date! I guess in my mind I thought he would always be there because he never failed to answer a text, call, email, or anything! He always answered.
Well, now he's been in a relationship for two years with the same girl. I'm assuming it's been on and off but I'm not sure. There have been times where I called him just to see how he was doing and he said things like "it sucks that I was never good enough." I remember at one point I got really upset because he was getting serious with the girl he is still with. It was in the beginning of their relationship and he told me, "it's not like I'm gonna marry this girl" and things like that. There were so many times we would start talking and he would just ask why we couldn't date. Eventually I got tired of the cat and mouse games and I decided to try dating a guy where I live.
The original guy was like, "well, screw you, I have a girlfriend, anyway." The next day he denied it saying his friends had said that. Then the following day he sent me pictures of the girl. Obviously I'm gonna wait. I won't ruin their relationship, but I really like him. I thought with time and other men, I'd just grow away from him. And yet I still think about him all the time. Does he even like me or is this just a game? I just need a little heads up - from a man's perspective, what should I do and did he even like me?
Daniel says...
You (or at least your relationship chances with this guy) were killed by distance. One thing I would caution you against is overstating the extent to which the two of you "were together." In the beginning of your submission, you state that you lasted (in response to people saying you "wouldn't last"). But at the same time you talk about how the two of you played games with one another. He may have answered whenever you texted or called, but if the two of you are only relating on the level of gamesmanship, then you aren't really relating to one another on a deep, personal level. Unfortunately, in this case the two of you are only hurting one another and then seeking revenge by playing additional games. You may be friends, but every time he plays one of your cat and mouse games, he tears at your emotional well-being just a little bit. And every time you treat him that way, you do the same.
At this point, Romeo has a girlfriend and you are jealous - a feeling that is very understandable. Your feelings of jealousy are natural when you are close to a guy in any way - whether purely platonic or ridiculously romantic. But when you've been quietly pining over a guy for this long, you will take it even harder when the object of your affections pursues someone else. At some point in time, you begin to lose hope entirely because the guy is happy and his relationship has now lasted over two years.
Does this guy like you? Probably. But the fact that you are so far apart and haven't spend a lot of time together over the last several years makes it very difficult to create an environment in which a relationship can thrive. I noticed you also comment about just not being able to get over him. Unfortunately, you've never given yourself a chance. If you want to truly get over this guy, you need to stop speaking to him for an extended period of time. That will completely break this guy - and whatever attractive qualities he may have - from your mind entirely.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance relationships, missed chances