Long Distance Relationships
The New PJs and Old Relationships (Ask A Guy)
so confused, 18 writes...
First of all, I'd like to say thank you for continually updating this page daily and sometimes more than once a day. I still don't know if I like the switch that PurplePJs has taken, but since you still keep on that schedule it makes it a lot easier to still feel at home here.
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are each other's first serious relationships and though there have been some rocky times we always work them out. In August we were separated for college and are over 1,000 miles away from each other; we're in different time zones and everything. We haven't seen each other in person since then. At first everything was fine, but then we started fighting a lot when we would talk on webcam; every little thing set one of us off. We realized this problem and talked about it and now we think about what we're upset about before getting upset and that's been working out pretty well.
Anyway. On to my real predicament. I love him so much and I know that he is crazy about me, but I can't help but feel like I should break up with him. He is practically a part of my family since his own is in shambles. He's staying with my family over Thanksgiving and Christmas and I'm sure he wants to be there over the summer as well. We are different religions, but we're both fairly religious people. Though we've talked about our future, I still think it would be really hard to deal with that. And recently I just don't feel like he's my one. I don't think that the future that we talk about so much is ever going to happen. I always feel sad when we talk about it because I think that we are both getting our hopes up and will be disappointed.
I think the fact that we haven't seen each other in so long could be the problem, but if that isn't the problem then I would have to break up with him. It sounds really arrogant of me to say that if I did that, that he would die, but honestly, I'm pretty much his only ally in the world. I really do love him so much, but I can't tell any more if I am in love with him. Should I just wait until Thanksgiving to see how I feel then, or should I try to talk about it now?
Daniel says...
We certainly appreciate you sticking with PurplePJs through the change. We understand that, for our long-time readers, this is a huge change - much more significant than any of the other changes the site has undergone in recent years. But the transition to a "perpetual publication" is definitely allowing PJs to be more responsive to its readers and their needs. Columnists can post columns at their leisure and because our columnists are spread across the country and around the world, this results in a site that is dynamic and constantly updating. Plus, for the first time, ever users can comment directly on submissions. Whether you are the original submitter and have more information or follow-up information or if you just feel you have a viewpoint that can help out, feel free to comment on any article you see. It's just one more feature PJs has created that allows us to interact more closely with all our loyal readers.
As for your submission, determining when it is appropriate for a relationship to end is never easy - particularly when you are in a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are, by definition, devoid of the attention and contact that many relationships have. And when your relationship started as a "normal" one, navigating the transition to long-distance can be immensely difficult. You develop an attachment to your boyfriend, seeing him at certain intervals, and your relationship taking on a certain attitude. All of that changes when you become separated by 1,000 miles overnight and the change can be a real shock to the system.
Every relationship has its special circumstances, but yours is particularly unique because your boyfriend depends upon you and your family much more than a "typical" boyfriend. As much pain as it may cause your boyfriend, though, you need to make the decision about your future together based on what is best for you. It sounds selfish, but your boyfriend can take care of himself and someone needs to be responsible for you. Letting the fact that your boyfriend is planning to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family instead of at his own home affect your decision-making process will only make it more difficult to determine what is best for you apart from everyone else.
Having a conversation like this one ahead of Thanksgiving will only lead to misunderstandings, concern, and ultimately a decision to "wait until you're both home." The intervening two weeks would then probably be the highest stress, most uncertain time either of you have experienced. Couple that with the fact that the week before Thanksgiving is a common time for major exams. If that is the case for either of you, then you need to be performing at your best heading into Thanksgiving, not worrying about what Thanksgiving may hold for the two of you.
Ordinarily, I would not advocate putting off an important conversation like this. But something like this is always better handled in person and a short delay will allow the two of you to tackle this issue head-on. At the same time, it may just be that your time apart has caused you to "forget" what it's like to be with him. Seeing people around you who are happily involved with a boyfriend who is "right there" can make it difficult to see the value in a long-distance relationship. Rather than jumping to conclusions regarding the coming end of your relationship, you may find that the spark is reignited by your time together. See what happens over Thanksgiving and, if you are still questioning your commitment to him, then consider having a conversation before the two of you go back to school.
There is no point in remaining in a relationship that provides no benefit for you. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your boyfriend...you both deserve to be fully devoted to your partner and you deserve to be with people who are going to be fully devoted to you. But you do need to take timing (and other relevant factors) into account when deciding when an appropriate time might be to take action.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, breaking up, long-distance relationships, becoming bored
Love Is About…Moving Parts? (Ask A Guy)
Miss Terrified, 19 writes...
I'm scared. I'm deeply, passionately in love. I've found someone who I want to spend my life with. Someone intoxicating and enchanting and charming of all senses.
My situation: We just met about a month ago. I'm leaving to move six hundred miles away in two weeks. We're still in the same town together, and sometimes I feel like I don't matter to him. He is a very busy young man, I realize this. I try to compromise, but lately it doesn't seem to work. He says that in between work, school, and helping with his family that he needs time for himself. I understand this. But I'm leaving. In two weeks. He works three full days and nights out of the week. So actually, we only have about a week left to be together. Wouldn't you want to spend every single spare moment with the person you claim you want to marry and have bear your children? Especially if she's leaving in two weeks to a place very far away?
It doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps I'm being selfish. But I stayed here an extra month to be with him and completely rearranged my work schedule so we could have the same days off to be together. I put my life on hold for him. I just feel like I'm unwanted.
I love him. He says he loves me, too. And that he loves spending time with me and that I give him peace and happiness. I'm afraid I don't mean as much to him, as he does to me.
Please, what is on your mind? It would certainly help. Thank you.
Daniel says...
I know you want me to reassure you and tell you how he truly does love you and wants to be with you. But maybe he doesn't truly want to be with you. On the other hand, maybe he is struggling to come to terms with the fact that you are moving away.
Your boyfriend may think you are absolutely the best thing since In-N-Out Burger (or peach pie), but regardless of his feelings, if he isn't meeting your needs, if he isn't treating you how you want or deserve to be treated, then maybe he isn't right for you. There are many dimensions to compatibility. Obviously one of these is liking someone or feeling that you are a match with them. But one equally important dimension is knowing the other person shares the same feelings for you. If you are unsure of your boyfriend's feelings, then your relationship can only develop to a certain point. After that point, your relationship's development will be stunted and cracks will start to surface in what was otherwise a perfectly happy and healthy relationship.
All these factors can be thought of as moving parts. You have moving parts and your boyfriend has moving parts. Those parts (personality, values, beliefs, goals to name a few) have to line up in just the right way to yield a successful relationship. Sometimes they line up and sometimes they don't. But the strange part is, the aspects of your boyfriend that make things difficult between the two of you may be perfect when paired with someone else. This is why I write so frequently about finding someone who is right for you and not who you think they want you to be. If you cannot be yourself with someone and know you are compatible, then your relationship doesn't have staying power.
That's not to say your boyfriend cannot change. Maybe there are some tweaks to his behavior that you could discuss, but you need to do so quickly and you need to be straightforward in doing so. If you can't communicate openly and honestly now, when you are right next to one another, then how will you be when you are 600 miles apart?
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, happiness, long-distance relationships, compatibility
Daniel Reveals That He Might Be A Sap! (Ask A Guy)
Allison, 19 from Virginia writes...
I've been with my boyfriend for a little more than a year and things are still as wonderful as the first day. We love each other and would probably end up staying together if things stayed like this. However this brings me to my question: I am a second-semester junior in college and I have been wanting, even long before I met him, to attend a year-long MBA program in Europe. However, because our relationship is becoming serious, I'm having second thoughts. Do long distance relationships work? Is it fair for me to leave him for a year and pretty much tell him to wait for me? I know I will regret it if I don't go, but then again I don't want to ruin the experience if I have to worry about not being back together afterward. I'm sorry, it's complicated, and I've talked to him about it. He says he'll always be there for me, yet I still feel it's unfair for me to leave like that. What are your thoughts?
Daniel says...
Call me a complete sap, but I have always had faith in the unbreakable power of true love. If things are truly "still as wonderful as the first day" after over a year together, then there isn't any reason you shouldn't stay together. Long distance relationships do work. You have to dedicate yourselves to each other and really take your relationship seriously, though. If you are this happy with your boyfriend and he is okay with you going to Europe (which it sounds like he is), then you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to remain together (just as you owe it to yourself to tackle this MBA program).
You need to approach your separation as a positive, rather than a negative. You will get to know one another on a completely different level. It is likely that a significant amount of your communication while you're apart will take place online so you will also learn how to communicate that way. You'll develop the ability to tell exactly what someone is thinking given just a few sentences of an email or a very brief phone call. It's also worth mentioning that the few chances you have to be together over the year will become so intense that you won't believe it. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.
Another side benefit is the travel! Even if your boyfriend only visits you once during the year, you will also have a chance to visit some of the most romantic places in the world with someone you truly love. What's better than sharing a week in Rome or Paris with your best friend and your love?
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, travel, long-distance relationships, true love