Long Distance Relationships
Afraid of Long Distance (Ask A Guy)
sahrahbobahrah, 17 writes...
I am in a relationship of over a year right now, and both my boyfriend and I will be heading to college next fall (fall 2010). It's pretty much a given that we will go to separate schools; I want to go out of state and he wants to stay here. We've talked about continuing our relationship into college and have always come to the whole "we'll work it out" conclusion. But the thing is that I want to be single when I head to college for the first time. I've been thinking about it and I think that if we're not going to the same school, then it's just going to be really difficult to maintain a relationship back home, and I'm not willing to do that.I care about him a lot, but I just think that breaking up before we head in different directions is what's best, for both of us. My only problem right now is that I technically don't have to deal with this until almost a year from now, but I've already decided what I want to do. I would feel guilty not bringing my thoughts up to him right now because we always share how we're feeling, but I'm also scared that bringing this up now will make him think that now is when I want to break up. I want to spend these last several months with him before we head off to our different lives, but I feel that bringing up now my desire to break up in a few months will make our interactions awkward and that he'll resent me for it. I guess it's just an issue of timing. When should I bring this up? Help!
Daniel says...
First off, let's lose the pretense about wanting to do what's best for both of you. What's truly at issue here is that you decided what was best for you and in order to make yourself feel better about hurting someone close to you, you unilaterally decided it was also best for him. The truth is, there is only one person who can decide what is best for your boyfriend: and that is your boyfriend. So when you do eventually tell your boyfriend, drop the rouse that this is what's best for him and focus on what you want - that's ultimately why you're going to break up with him.
The issue of when you should raise this issue with your boyfriend is also an easy one: NOW. If you have decided you are going to break up with him before leaving for school, then staying in a relationship is pointless. One of two things will happen if you remain in a relationship. Either he will get closer to you as you remain together, making your pending separation even more painful, or he will become distant and emotionless, wasting the time the two of you could be spending with more enjoyable relationships. Not saying something to your boyfriend is the most selfish thing you can do and telling him your plan and then asking him to keep dating you is just as selfish. Your boyfriend deserves the freedom to determine what he wants to do with his relationship. Right now, he wakes up every day and decides he still wants to be with you. By not telling him about your decision, you are deciding what he will do and not giving him the freedom to look around for other relationships or remain single and get over the pain of your break up now rather than when he goes to school.
If you have already checked out of your relationship, then there's no point in staying in it, but at the same time, shame on you for deciding being single during college is more valuable than remaining with someone you love and seeing if a long distance relationship can work. The fact that you made your decision now means that your own convenience was the primary (and perhaps only) determining factor. You have absolutely no idea what the state of your relationship will be in a year. Perhaps something will happen that will bind the two of you together and make a long-distance relationship seem manageable. But you'll never know because you made your decision before even giving your relationship that chance. Next time wait until a relationship is over before declaring its time of death a year in advance.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, long distance relationships, breaking up
Try A Different Approach (Ask A Guy)
Ana, 17 from Hawaii writes...
Hi Daniel, so I have a problem. My boyfriend (who I've been with on and off for three years) is going away to the military in a couple months. I honestly don't think we'd do well as a long distance couple. I mean, we can barely keep it together when we live in the same city. I still have a year of high school left and then I plan on going to college until I get my Ph.D. I don't want him to come back and end up telling me that he was with someone else or have to break up with him over the phone because things aren't working. On top of that, my best friends have always been guys, and with my boyfriend gone, all my free time will be spent with them. This presents a problem as my boyfriend gets extremely jealous and my friends have either liked me at some point, are my ex's, or aren't exactly shy about the fact that they like me.
The problem is that when I try to explain my concerns to my boyfriend he yells and stops talking to me or gets upset and tells me that I just don't want to make it work and that we love each other and that's all we need to make it work. He's going to be stationed in another state, and while it's a lovely idea that love will get us through it, I fear we're being the starry-eyed little kids living in our own little fantasy. How should I go about this so he'll listen?
Daniel says...
Are you concerned things won't work or do you not want things to work? There's a big difference and right now it looks like you're searching for reasons the relationship should just end right now rather than taking a balanced look at the situation and making a decision based on that. Whether close in proximity or long-distance, making a relationship work is about trust, self-confidence, and sticktuitiveness. If you don't trust your significant other, then you'll drive yourself mad constantly wondering where they are, what they're up to, why they aren't answering your calls or texts, and whether or not they're mad at you.
Related to trust, many issues related to a lack of trust stem from a lack of self-confidence. If your boyfriend lacks self-confidence, then that may be part of the reason for his lack of trust in you. If he thinks he isn't good enough for you, then he'll place you above himself in his mind and convince himself that you're merely biding your time until someone better comes along.
The funny thing about self-confidence is that many guys develop it in spades once they leave the senselessly nit-picky, over-analyzed world of high school and actually get into a pursuit in which they can develop their talents rather than working in a rather rigid, relatively structured environment. Specific to your case, the military instills self-confidence in its recruits out of necessity. You are trained to trust those around you with your life and likewise have the ability to be trusted with the lives of others. If your boyfriend lacks self-confidence now, it's entirely likely that things will be considerably different in that regard by the time he finishes boot camp.
Sticktuitiveness is necessary because you have to be willing to set a schedule regarding phone calls, emails, or visits and stick to it. If variety is the spice of life, then predictability is the gravy. Predictability is important, particularly in a long-distance relationship, to establish a base - a sense of what can be relied upon in a relationship.
If there are cracks in your relationship now, then stressing it more by throwing into long-distance status may very well push it past the breaking point. But if you are happy with your boyfriend and truly love him, then you owe it to yourself to stick with him and see what happens. Don't approach your boyfriend with a "will we work or won't we" question. Talk instead about how to make things work while he's gone. Mention any ideas you have and see how he reacts. He should surely want to talk about working together and relying on your love. Don't be afraid to share your concerns with him, but do so in the context of making your relationship work - not in the context of whether or not you should even remain together. If you still can't get the response you need from him, then you may want to consider whether the relationship is truly working for you; if he isn't willing to talk things out with you when you're being postive, then how is he being helpful at all?
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, long distance relationships, commitment
Relationships, Sex, and Moms (Sex Ed 101)
PandaBree, 18 writes...
Hey, I love the site especially this section. I mean that you girls have helped me so much, so now here I am again with another situation.
Me and my mother have a little bit more that your average relationship, meaning we are able to talk about everything from grades to boys to sex. Now there is this guy that I have been in a long distance relationship with for two years now (he has already had sex but I haven't) and he comes to visit me but my parents won't let me go visit him. Now he is like how he wants to come down here again. (He was also here this past August), so I asked my mother if he could come down here and she was like no because if you two get some alone time I know what's going to happen. So basically she doesn't believe me when I say that we won't have sex, and she keeps saying she likes him and everything but she doesnt believe that he is the one for me.
I don't know if this helps but I am 18 and he is 20 and I have known him since he was 18. I believe that I am ready for sex but I also have doubts because he has already had sex and I know that with some people once they start they can't stop. He also told me a few months ago that if I wanted to wait until we get married, he doesn't think that he could wait.
My mother also wants me to see other people that are in my area even though she likes him. I am just stuck because I want to have sex but then I also don't want my mother to be disappointed in me, and also I sometimes have doubts about him. I must apologize for this being so long this was the best way for me to put this.
Brittany says...
I, too, have an awesome relationship with my mom, similar to what you have. Even though she trusted me fully, and understood that I was going to have sex when I was ready, she wasn't ready for other aspects of my relationships. For instance, I couldn't have boys in my room and she wasn't too keen on me being over at my boyfriend's house late into the night when she knew we'd have ample amount of alone time.
As far as getting her to let you visit him, that might be tough. I know a lot of parents that kind of pull a double standard (he can visit, but you can't) and that's because they want to be able to be in more control of the situation. Your mom isn't stupid, she was young once, and whatever you say you could be doing when you're visiting him could be the exact oppoiste. But what I'm confused about is that your boyfriend has come to visit you before, but now all of a sudden your mom won't let him? Why would you have more alone time now, as opposed to not having it before, when she did let him stay? If you really want him to come visit you, you'll have to compromise with your mom. Suggest some things you think could work, and then have her suggest some things if she doesn't like the ideas that you have. Hopefully, you two and come to a solution together.
Aside from that, your mom is probably a little concerned at the length of time you two have been dating and the fact that it's long distance. If you're getting more serious, she might be thinking about how young you are and how little you've experienced. It can be tough to know "this is the one I want to be with" if you haven't experienced dating anybody else. Outside of high school, the dating life is completely different and you might realize that there is something better out there for you. I'm not suggesting leaving your boyfriend and dating somebody else to see what it's like, I'm just trying to show you how your mom might see it. Try talking to her and asking her for reasons she wants you to date other people in the area, but I'm betting it's these same reasons, even though she does like your current boyfriend.
One thing I read and was a little concerned about though is the fact that he claims he cannot wait if you wish to wait until marriage to have sex. Any boy that is worth your time is going to want to wait because he's not going to want to pressure you to do something you aren't ready for and he's not going to want to lose you over something as petty as sex. A respectful man is what you want to spend your life with, not somebody who cannot wait for you. Really, what kind of man is that? He's just a boy. Aside from that, you already said yourself that sometimes you have your doubts about him and are unsure about having sex with him... don't do something because he wants you to, do it because you want to. While having sex won't make you go crazy for it and be unable to stop (I'm sure it could be that way for some people, but the rare few are known as "sex addicts"), having sex won't make you feel any better about your relationship with him. And the guilt or disappointment that you fear your mom might have could completely ruin what would otherwise be a great experience for you and the person you choose to have sex with for the first time.
I think you might need to take a step back and look at all your relationships in your life, with your boyfriend, your mom, and last (but sure not least), yourself. You need to do what is best for you, and you alone.
Tags: sex, relationships, long distance relationships, parents, boyfriends, waiting until marriage, moms
Now He’s Interested, Now He’s Not (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 22 writes...
Hi Daniel,
I miss the archive section by the way.
Anyway, I have a question: There is this guy I have liked for ages (I know him through work). I live in a different state now. At the time, I never really thought he was interested in me and that was fine. When I was moving states for work I figured it would help me move on and forget about him because I still liked him but had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't interested. The problem is that he started hitting on me before I left - at a friends birthday and an email after I had moved amongst other things he said. I have been home once since I left and he hit on me again when we caught up at a group get-together.
I got excited so I emailed him when I got back just to simply say it was good to catch up. He replied and I replied back again but nothing else has happened since. I am due back home again at the end of October and because of the last time I saw him I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I am not really sure what to do next, if anything. I don't think I was imagining him hitting on me - he had his arms around me and said things like "don't leave" and to email him, etc. I am confused because on the one hand I feel like he is interested and then on the other I am not sure. Granted, we are in different states but at first I was emotional about moving and at the time and didn't really trust the suddenness of his flirting. I don't know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt or if he is just being manipulative because he thinks I like him and he gets an ego boost. If I see him when I go home in October I will just keep thinking about him and never move on.
Daniel says...
For starters, the archive page will come back eventually and you'll no longer be limited by a certain number of days, as was the case with the old system. Once the new archive method is integrated, you'll be able to read all the old Ask A Guy articles! These things do take time, though, and I appreciate your patience.
Now, on to your question. It is certainly understandable that you would not have succeeded in getting this guy out of your head. His sudden flirtatiousness was ill-timed and such that it was impossible for you to determine his real motives. At this point, you need to make a decision. Considering your recent move (and resultant distance from this guy) are you interested in trying a relationship with him? Would you rather just keep things platonic between the two of you? Or if he threw himself at your feet would you want to give a long-distance relationship a try? I'm not sure how far away you live, but it sounds as though visits home are possible, albeit for an indeterminate cost.
If you would be willing to give a relationship a shot, then you need to open up and try a little harder to keep things moving between the two of you. Just because he doesn't respond to an email doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to you. Send him another "hi, how are you doing" type of email and make sure to talk about things or ask questions to which he will respond. It could simply be that your last email did not contain enough material to necessitate a response. If you send him an email that seems obviously in need of a response and he doesn't do so, then you can assure yourself that he isn't interested and move on.
Set up a chance for the two of you to get together when you are home in October and see how he reacts. If he wants to get together, he won't mince words and his interest will be clear. If he doesn't, then he'll hem and haw about needing to check his schedule and afterward take a considerable amount of time to bet back to you. It is certainly possible that his flirting began simply because you were leaving and he figured that if he made a fool of himself he wouldn't have to worry because you would be gone fairly soon. But the fact that it has continued (even on a relatively light scale) even after your move bodes well for his interest being genuine.
If he kicks the dirt too long, though, be prepared to move on. Fortunately, you are quite a distance apart so moving on is as simple as just not communicating with him and not letting him know when you're going to be home. If necessary, you'll be over him in no time..
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance relationships, sincerity
Changing Opinions (Big Sister)
sahrahbobahrah, 17 writes...
About three months ago, my boyfriend of over a year and I broke up. The reason was that I wanted to be single in college (we are both headed to college next fall) and he didn't, and we couldn't seem to agree on what we wanted to do. Directly afterwards I felt as though maybe I should have given myself more time to think about my decision. I have regretted it since, but I still hadn't changed my mind about wanting to be single in college. In these past three months, he has expressed to me a few times that he thinks we should get back together, but each time I told him no because I thought it was best for us to stay broken up if we still wanted different things in regards to college. Now, however, I have another dilemma! I've been thinking a lot, and I miss him and want to get back together with him so we can work things out. I could honestly care less about being single in college now....I've just seemed to realize that we had a wonderful relationship and I sabotaged it because I didn't have enough faith in it to last through college. I really want to be with him again, and this time I am absolutely willing to make it work, both now and a year from now. The problem is that I'm terrified of telling him any of this......won't he think I'm a hypocrite for contradicting everything I told him before? I want to be with him, but I have a feeling that he'll be suspicious of me and won't be able to trust me again. Also, I'm afraid that it would be inconsiderate of me to confront him with any of this when he's struggling to move on, as he's been having a really hard time with this. Should I talk to him? Do you think he'll be able to trust me? Will he even be the same after such a tough few months? Or is staying single in college a good idea after all? I feel as though I've gotten myself into quite a fix and I have no idea whether I should just try to move on or try to get him back. Help!Ivette says...
I think you should at least talk to him about your issues and what you were thinking back then. It might take a while for him to trust you again, but it is possible if you guys work things out. He might not be the same for a while too, since it seemed he really was hurt when you decided to break up with him. It's up to you if you believe being single in college will work for you. Some people don't like long distance relationships and others can handle them to an extent. It really depends on the relationship you're in and with who. When you talk to your ex-boyfriend, there is a possibility he might not want to go back with you, even if you miss him and love him so much. So be prepared for rejection too. I don't think it's a good idea to push on him the idea that you want to go back with him. Start rebuilding that friendship you had before you went out with him. Gain some of his trust first. I think it's better if you just try to explain yourself and how you felt at the moment you took those decisions. Then as your relationship grows and strengthens you can mention to him how you miss him and how you regret your decision. This kind of strategy in my opinion will make things much more easier for both of you. He won't be slammed into a wall saying, "OMG I miss you and love you and lets get back together even if I broke up with you and rejected you repeatedly!". And this may be beneficial to you since it increases the chances that he might want to go back with you (since you have strengthen the trust between you two). Whatever you do, think hard about it. Know what you really want and make a decision then. It would really suck if you tell him you want to go back but a few weeks later you go back to your initial standing. Good luck!Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, boyfriend, long distance relationships, college, girlfriend, ex boyfriend, decisions, leaving
So About Those Long Distance Relationships (Ask A Guy)
Aireo, 18 from Ontario writes...
Hey I'm in the Army and I'm off to training. I basically can't see my boyfriend/fiancee for about two months straight and then about once a month after that. Then, after four years of schooling, I will basically be shipped around the world and all that jazz. My boyfriend says he'll stay with me no matter what but I just don't know. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship so, as a guy, I am asking you: would you stay with the girl you love if she put you through all this hardship? Thanks.
Daniel says...
If a guy truly loves a girl, then he will be willing to stand by her no matter the hardship or distance that tests their relationship. There is no guarantee things will work out, as all relationships are fraught with many kinds of challenges, but if your boyfriend is willing to give it a go, that's the best you can hope for. You really have two choices here. First, you can break up now without even giving things a chance, thereby ensuring both of you experience a great deal of pain and have no chance of winding up together. Or, second, you can give the long distance relationship a go and see if things work out. This has the possibility of having things work out between the two of you. The downside is that you could end up breaking up and experiencing the pain of having a loving relationship fail - but that's exactly the same downside as Option 1 (which has no discernible upside).
As for how to tackle the relationship once you have left for basic training, The key is communication. There cannot possibly be enough of it. Sure, the two of you will not be able to see one another very often, but communicating via webcam, email, telephone, and text message are all great ways to keep things going. Have a set schedule for when you will talk and don't be afraid to surprise him with an occasional "extra" phone call. Snail mail love letters are also particularly effective at helping someone to realize once again that they are missed and loved. Also, if you have a couple surprise days of R&R go home and visit him! Establish a schedule and stick to it, but also don't be afraid to be spontaneous.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, long distance relationships, commitment, patience
A Reader Nearly Causes Daniel to Reach for the Thesaurus! (Ask A Guy)
Michele, 18 writes...
Dear Daniel,
I don't know if you're familiar with instant messaging websites such as omegle.com or chatroulette.com, but these sites allow you to communicate with people from around the world. Well, I met someone on Omegle in mid-September and we've been talking consistently since then. I think the longest we've gone without some form of contact is three days. We started off talking on AIM every night, which slowly evolved into Skype phone calls, then cell phone calls and texting. At this point, we've been video chatting on Skype for the past month and a half. We talk/video for at least 4-5 hours every night, and we'll randomly text throughout the day when he's at work and I'm at school. As you can probably assume, our personalities are ineffably compatible.
We admitted that we had mutual feelings for each other in early November. Normally, this wouldn't pose a problem, but there are two issues at hand here. One, distance. He lives half a continent away in Texas; I'm in New York. Two, there is an age difference. We started talking when I was 17, but I'm 18 now. He's 24. This isn't a colossal age difference, but I know it will be enough to make some of my friends and family uncomfortable.
We recently began talking about meeting in person, even if it's just for one weekend. Either he would fly to my university and stay at my dorm, or I would fly to Texas and stay at his apartment. Since this rendezvous wouldn't go over well with my parents (they are extremely uptight and closed-minded when it comes to meeting people online), he offered to pay for the round-trip flight so it wouldn't show up on my credit card bill. We're thinking about booking a flight for about a month from now.
I just wanted to hear your thoughts on whether or not I should meet up with him. I feel like there is a stigma attached to meeting people online, but I've been extremely cautious as I know you shouldn't trust everyone from the internet. But through Facebook, I know for a fact that he is who he says he is, works where he says he works, etc. He's told a couple of his friends about me and I've talked to one on the phone. I know that we will end up meeting up eventually, whether it be a month or a year from now, but I don't know if this is too soon, as I've only known him for a little more than three months.
Thanks for all your help!
Daniel says...
I am familiar with (though not a user of) the types of chat sites you mention. They sound like a fun tool but - like most "toys", they are best in moderation and should not be someone's only source of communication with the outside world. I'm not implying that is the case for you...it doesn't sound that way at all. I merely include the statement as a public service announcement for other interested readers.
Regular readers will know that I am a regular voice for caution and extreme care when meeting someone you've met only through electronic means. This guy may seem like the nicest guy in the world, and he has certainly gone out of his way to spend an inordinate amount of time getting to know you, but you can never be completely certain when meeting someone for the first time. You cite Facebook and the fact that you have spoken with his friends as proof that he is genuine. And most likely you're right - he is probably who he really says he is. But you really have no way of knowing. With Facebook open to anyone and everyone with an email account he could simply create an alter ego. Lots of criminals hold down real jobs, too and it's possible to disguise your voice so his "friend" was really this guy. People are capable of perpetuating all kinds of elaborate hoaxes on unsuspecting victims.
In your case, you propose to fly halfway across the country, traveling to a location with which you are not familiar, and relying completely on someone you barely know to be the person he claims he is. It's a scary proposition. What's more, you're talking about doing this without telling your parents. If they were to find out (say they were to surprise you with a visit to your campus while you were gone), whatever trust you have with them would be shattered for a long time to come.
My honest opinion is that there is no reason whatsoever that you should be the one to travel to see him. If he wants to see you, he should visit you. He should pay for a plane ticket, pay for a hotel room, and show that he is sincere by meeting you on your turf and providing you the ability to meet him when you have friends around and can get away or tell him to leave if he crosses any boundaries.
Another concern I have is that your proposed date appears to be very close to Valentine's Day. By itself, this is not a problem, but guys can get a little weird around Valentine's Day. I, for one, wouldn't want the first time I meet someone to be around Valentine's Day, when hearts and kisses and love are surrounding us on billboards, television, and in our minds. Talk about an awkward introduction.
Ultimately, you have to do what you want. But my advice is to make sure you're not seeing one another on Valentine's Day and to make sure he visits you. He's the guy. He needs to prove his interest. He needs to pursue you and that's not done by sitting on his ass while you fly halfway across the country.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, long distance relationships, internet dating, meeting for the first time
Romeo Must Be Ignored (Ask A Guy)
Km!ss, 18 writes...
This may seem futile to most people but its been bothering me for years. I'm 18 , I grew up with this guy from middle school on up till, well, now. In middle school we weren't really close friends. We always had classes with each other but never quite talked. I mean, we did have conversations but we weren't friends, either...if that makes sense.
I'd say he matured a lot my eighth grade year - he was still immature but not as immature. I could kind of tell he liked me, but he asked my friend if I liked him and he wasn't shy about it. He would jump into our conversations and other stuff like that. Anyway, we went on to high school and for a few months we fell out of contact. My freshman homecoming was around the corner and we got to talking and we've talked on and off since. So here's the problem:
During my freshmen year I moved to a different state, and we talked everyday one way or another. About a month after moving, he asked me out. I turned him down because I didn't want to date long distance - especially not when I really, really liked him. I guess in my mind I thought it would be better to put it off until after high school. Everyone said I should get over him because we wouldn't last past the summer. Well, almost four years later we have.
It's not as constant as it used to be but good enough especially with the distance and not seeing each other. Needless to say, he was obviously hurt when I turned him down, and from that point on we kinda played cat and mouse with each other. Despite the little games, we ALWAYS came back to each other. We never really dated, but we had serious emotional ties with each other. Even when we were dating other people we kept talking. But we had so many chances to date! I guess in my mind I thought he would always be there because he never failed to answer a text, call, email, or anything! He always answered.
Well, now he's been in a relationship for two years with the same girl. I'm assuming it's been on and off but I'm not sure. There have been times where I called him just to see how he was doing and he said things like "it sucks that I was never good enough." I remember at one point I got really upset because he was getting serious with the girl he is still with. It was in the beginning of their relationship and he told me, "it's not like I'm gonna marry this girl" and things like that. There were so many times we would start talking and he would just ask why we couldn't date. Eventually I got tired of the cat and mouse games and I decided to try dating a guy where I live.
The original guy was like, "well, screw you, I have a girlfriend, anyway." The next day he denied it saying his friends had said that. Then the following day he sent me pictures of the girl. Obviously I'm gonna wait. I won't ruin their relationship, but I really like him. I thought with time and other men, I'd just grow away from him. And yet I still think about him all the time. Does he even like me or is this just a game? I just need a little heads up - from a man's perspective, what should I do and did he even like me?
Daniel says...
You (or at least your relationship chances with this guy) were killed by distance. One thing I would caution you against is overstating the extent to which the two of you "were together." In the beginning of your submission, you state that you lasted (in response to people saying you "wouldn't last"). But at the same time you talk about how the two of you played games with one another. He may have answered whenever you texted or called, but if the two of you are only relating on the level of gamesmanship, then you aren't really relating to one another on a deep, personal level. Unfortunately, in this case the two of you are only hurting one another and then seeking revenge by playing additional games. You may be friends, but every time he plays one of your cat and mouse games, he tears at your emotional well-being just a little bit. And every time you treat him that way, you do the same.
At this point, Romeo has a girlfriend and you are jealous - a feeling that is very understandable. Your feelings of jealousy are natural when you are close to a guy in any way - whether purely platonic or ridiculously romantic. But when you've been quietly pining over a guy for this long, you will take it even harder when the object of your affections pursues someone else. At some point in time, you begin to lose hope entirely because the guy is happy and his relationship has now lasted over two years.
Does this guy like you? Probably. But the fact that you are so far apart and haven't spend a lot of time together over the last several years makes it very difficult to create an environment in which a relationship can thrive. I noticed you also comment about just not being able to get over him. Unfortunately, you've never given yourself a chance. If you want to truly get over this guy, you need to stop speaking to him for an extended period of time. That will completely break this guy - and whatever attractive qualities he may have - from your mind entirely.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance relationships, missed chances
A Guy Should Be Chasing You (Ask A Guy)
Jlove17, 19 writes...
I really like this guy but we live about an hour away from each other. He says he likes me but he doesn't want to break my heart. He said he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. What should I do? Am I being played? He ignored me for about a week because he said he was trying to make it easier for me. I understand he doesn't want a girlfriend and I don't want a boyfriend right now. I don't know what to do.
Daniel says...
Do you really not want a boyfriend or is that what you're telling yourself in the desperate hope that he will hear you? You "really like" this guy but yet you don't want a boyfriend; this doesn't make sense. Sometimes people will try to convince themselves of some strange things in the hopes of scoring themselves a chance with the guy of their dreams. In your case, it sounds like this could be one of those situations. Don't kid yourself - if you really like this guy, your attempts to convince yourself otherwise are just window dressing. It looks good to people on the outside, but they don't really provide any function for those who actually have to live with it.
Whether or not this guy truly likes you is immaterial. He lives an hour away and has made it clear he doesn't want to date anyone at this time. Your only option right now is to move on and hope to find a guy who truly does want to be with you for who you are. There are lots of fish in the sea, so don't be afraid to get a little wet. You're 19 - this is supposed to be the point in your life in which you date guys and see who you are most compatible with. Setting your sights on this one guy merely assumes that he's the right one for you with little or no actual data as to whether you are right. Make things easier for yourself...find a guy who can't resist you, not one who resists being with you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, moving on, long distance relationships
Never Official, But Generally Hoping (Ask A Guy)
mikayla, 16 writes...
So, there's this guy. We've been dating for a month or two and it was amazing. He made me so happy, took me out, and texted me every day. We were never in an "official" relationship, but I know he liked me a long time before we went out together, too. I know I was the first girl he had been interested in for the longest time, and that he liked (or likes) me a lot.
For his job, he had to go about 20 or so hours away for four months. He's back every month for a couple days. He left just a couple days ago. He said that it wasn't fair for either of us to wait for the other, and that we should just go on and "see what happens." So now I'm ridiculously confused. He doesn't want us to wait for each other. But he wants to see how it goes? What exactly does he want? I just need some help to figure out what I should do. I feel so foolish.
Daniel says...
The unique thing about your situation is not the "long distance relationship" aspect - it's the fact that your "normal" relationship was going to become a long distance relationship. When a guy decides he doesn't want to pursue a long distance relationship like this, it means he isn't invested enough to want to spend the effort necessary to keep your relationship going. What he means by "see[ing] how it goes" is that if you stay in touch (without him really having to try) and are still interested in dating when he gets back, then he might consider dating at that point in time.
If you've only been dating a month or two, then four months is a long time to be apart and expect one another to remain together. In terms of relative length, imagine you had been dating a guy for a year and he was suddenly reassigned and would be overseas for four years, only to return home about once a year. That would be a significant struggle for a relationship, even one that had been in existence for a year. In this example, you would know each other pretty well, but being apart for four times longer than you had dated would be a significant challenge to just how well you know one another. Your current situation is similar - a month is not long enough to develop a good idea of who someone is.
With that said, if he does his work thing and then comes back, it sounds like he's leaving the door open to seeing where things stand. Don't assume that his lack of interest in creating a long distance relationship translates into a lack of desire to be together at some point. For the time being, have fun and maybe even go on a few other dates. If you find someone else who is a better fit for you, then that's his fault for not locking you up when he had the chance!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, gauging interest, long distance relationships