Kissing
How To Kiss (Big Sister)
Knowing When To Kiss
If he's bold enough, he might save you the trouble of figuring out when to smooch, but in many cases your guy won't have the guts and if you're hankering for some satisfaction, you'll have to be the one to recognize the moment and act on your instincts. How can you tell if a guy is ready to move onto smooching? Well, if you have been hanging out a lot and flirting a lot it's safe to assume he wants to smooch you. He might gaze into your eyes, position himself unnecessarily close to you, or "accidentally" touch you or brush up against you more frequently than normal. When the two of you are in a situation where a kiss would be appropriate (relatively private, maybe even a quasi-romantic location, etc.), it's time to go in for the kill.
Initiating the Kissing
Aggressive
Some guys love it when the girl saves him the trouble of figuring out how to initiate the smooch by being aggressive and moving in on him. PJer Marissa suggests that "the hottest way [to initiate a kiss] is to pull his head towards you and just go for it!"
Subtle
While the aggressive approach is great for the more audacious women among us, for most girls "just going for it" is a little scary. Most of us prefer a little more subtlety. The most subtle and effective strategy I can give you is this: Go in just for a hug and nuzzle your face into his neck just a little, perhaps even just lightly placing your closed lips on his neck. As you pull away from the hug, let your cheek brush against his and just linger a little. If he doesn't take the hit and smooch you, slowly move your lips toward his.
The Standard Smooch
Novices
As your lips make initial contact, keep your lips loose (not pursed or puckered) and just barely parted. For a short kiss, as you slowly pull away, gently "bite" his lips with your lips (don't involve your teeth yet) just barely tugging his lip a little. Follow his lead when it comes to the rest of the smooching. However he kisses is probably how he likes to be kissed, so if you do what he does, he'll probably think you're a stellar kisser. Lee_Lee reminds us that in most cases you should "make sure your eyes are closed!" When you're very intimate with someone, looking into his eyes during a kiss can be a beautiful thing, but most of the time, it's just plain creepy! Also, as Tanisha the self-proclaimed "smooching expert" states, you shouldn't wear sticky lip gloss while kissing, as it acts as glue when you're trying to seductively pull away.
Amateurs
As your individual kisses turn to make out sessions, you will begin to develop new techniques and your own smooching style. You'll figure out how you like to be kissed, and can train the man in your life to kiss you accordingly. Now you might bust out a little teeth action. Remember that unless you are a vampire, the goal is to gently tease your partner. Consequently, when you gently bite his lip with your teeth (similar to the above mentioned biting of the lip with the lips) be very careful not to bite too hard. Someday maybe you'll be into a little bit of pain mixed with your pleasure, but let's start with something a little less BDSM.
Professionals
By now, you know your way around and are ready to try new tricks! A few kissing techniques, courtesy of the Kama Sutra, are:
- Throbbing Kiss. Kiss his lower lip, ignoring the upper lip; this teasing technique will leave him wanting more.
- Touching Kiss. When your mouths first meet, gently brush your tongue against one of his lips while you grasps his hands with yours.
- Pressed Kiss. Forcefully kiss his lower lip. Hard and passionate kisses are enjoyable, but the teasing aspect of only concentrating on the lower lip makes for added excitement.
- Greatly Pressed Kiss. Gently run two fingers or your thumb over his lips, and then give him a big ol' passionate kiss. The sensation of gentle touching and forceful kissing is awesome.
The French Kiss
The tongue, one of the strongest muscles in the body, has long been misused by kissers of all sexes and ages. Everyone's idea of good French kissing is different. Anne relates that "once a guy told [her that she] was using too much tongue, and another guy asked [her] to use more." The style I have found the most enjoyable for both me and my smooching partners is to be gentle, subtle, and teasing. Different techniques that work for me are:
- Subtle Lick. As the regular kissing becomes hotter and heavier, lightly touch just the tip of your tongue to his top lip. If he's French kissed before this will encourage him to return the favor.
- Tongue Slide. Gently and slowly run the tip of your tongue along the dude's upper lip.
- Tooth Slide. When his tongue ventures into your territory, Gently and slowly run your tongue along the sharp surface of your teeth, which will just barely touch is tongue or lips.
I was surprised to find that the styles of French kissing that I find disgusting were actually suggested by the PJers! These are:
- Flexing. "Flexing" the tongue muscle during ANY technique.
- Methodical Tongue Wagging. Marissa "generally [tries] saying the ABC's with [her] tongue if it gets boring." She warns that "one time [her] boyfriend caught on and laughed at [her] for singing kindergarten songs while [she] was supposed to be 'concentrating.'"
- Full-On Penetration. BroadwayBaby suggests that you just "slip your tongue in his mouth."
- Rooting Around. David, this guy I went out with, seemed to think that the coolest way to French kiss was to stick his flexed tongue in my mouth and dart it all over as though searching for some buried treasure.
As you can see, when it comes to French kissing, one man's trash is another man's treasure. The more you kiss, the better you'll understand how you like to be kissed, and you can proceed with smooching by doing what fits your style.
The Make-Out Session
Making out is basically just a combination of different types of kisses placed in different erogenous zones. Different people have different erogenous zones (for example, some people love their ears nibbled and some people have extremely ticklish ears!) so with every new partner, making out is a game of trial and error. Some places you might try planting a kiss or gentle nibble are:
- Neck
- Earlobe (seriously, don't slobber--there is no grosser feeling during a make out session than a cold wet ear!)
- Behind the ear
- Forehead
- Clavicle (the bone that where your chest ends and neck begins)
- Bare back
While some make-out sessions might include showing your love with your hands, that content is more appropriate for Sex Ed 101 and so if you have further questions, I suggest you direct them there.
What To Do With A Bad Kisser
Throughout your kissing career you are bound to encounter some really atrocious kissers. Fortunately, kissing is a skill that anyone can learn with a good coach! Since you probably don't want to print out this article and casually slip it into your boyfriend's locker, you might appreciate these tips to train your kissing partner to smooch you the way you like it.
- Kiss him the way you like to be kissed. If you like more tongue, use more tongue; if you like to nuzzle noses, nuzzle his nose; etc.
- When he does something you like, encourage him with a soft little moan or with an especially deep kiss. Afterwards, perhaps on the phone later that week, say something like "All I could think about today was how much it turned me on when we were kissing and you just barely ran your tongue across my upper lip."
- Make subtle comments or gestures to show disapproval of certain behaviors. If he bites too hard, gasp and pull away for a second--maybe even touch your lip as though checking to see if he drew blood. If he slobbers all over you, in between kisses wipe your face dry.
- If all else fails, tell him what he's doing wrong, as nicely as possible. The most important element of any relationship is communication, and if he cares about you he will want to know how he can do a better job pleasing you. It's okay to just say "I love it when you tease me with your tongue--when the whole thing is jabbing around and down my throat it's really hard to achieve that 'teasing' feeling."
Stopping the Kissing
Eventually, the lovin' has to end. If it's not interrupted by a nosy little sister, over protective adult, or curfew, the two of you will have to cut it off at some point on your own. Usually the session will taper off on it's own and end with snuggling or hand holding accompanied with some sort of conversation. When it doesn't taper off on it's own and your lips are starting to wear out, give him one last deep passionate kiss and pull away. Smile at him and say something to break the spell of the lust hanging in the air. A joke, a giggle, some sweet compliment, or some random comment about what's for dinner will do! Moisturize your lips with some lip balm (because making out can leave some chapped lips, and chapped lips can't perform as well for your next make out session.
Going To The Next Level (Big Sister)
caligirl44, 18 writes...
I really need to do something wild... and crazy. Well, under my terms at least. I've recently kind of been thrown into a situation, where I am hanging out with a older guy, that is kind of vulnerable, and wants a woman. I've kind of been thrown into this, where I could hang out with him- as he's asked me before- and I'd like to get to that "movie moment" where you just, kiss the person you're with. But- how does that happen? Especially with someone you know. How do you just kiss them, and know its right and know they won't shove you away? I just think it would be fun, to go to the next level with this person, just as "friends" seeing as neither of us are looking for anything "solid". Any help is appreciated!!! Thanks so much!! Oh, and I love the new stuff you've done with the page!!
Ivette says...
Thanks for the feedback on our new website! All of the PPJs staff have been working really hard behind the scenes to improve it so we appreciate your positive feedback! Now to your question, I want to know how you've been "thrown" into this situation, and if you really had a choice to get into this friendship/relationship or you were obliged to go with it. Another thing that alarms me is that you described your friend as "vulnerable and wants a woman". Personally, I don't see any good for someone to be in that kind of mental and emotional state of mind. That means the guy is hurt or has some underlying issues that may push him to the edge and is willing to go out with any girl that crosses his path. Hmm, that doesn't sound like a decent guy to be around with, so before you put yourself out there, reevaluate the situation and analyze what you're getting into. As for your concern, I don't really believe there is a perfect kiss or a "movie moment" for a kiss. First off, the two people have to be perfectly comfortable with each other and not feel obliged to do something they're not really okay with. You also have to remember that it's really hard to have a perfect moment, but you can make it special. You have to make sure the guy sees you romantically as well, since he will probably find it weird if a girl comes up to him with that demeanor when he doesn't expect it. If you still want to do it, I would suggest try building up the atmosphere from early on. Go on a date, be flirty and have fun. You can also be a little physical like touching his arm when you're talking or holding hands. If he responds well to your cues it is more likely he won't be entirely surprise or shocked when you kiss him. It might be easier if you just peck him on his lips and smile at him, instead of going into hardcore kissing. If he likes you, he will probably think it was cute and he will do the next move. I think that's a way to play it safe without being shoved away or rejected. Be sure to also read his body language, usually when someone isn't interested he will be distracted and not fully engaged with the other person. He may also be blunt and cold if he usually is outgoing and social. Watch out for these cues! These will help you recognize if he is interested or not and if you should do a move. Another tip: I usually do not advice being "friends with benefits" since these usually end up pretty bad. So be careful what you're getting into and especially with who! Good luck on what you decide!
Tags: relationships, big sister, kissing, dating, friends with benefits, making a move, guys, rejection, dates
New Relationships (Sex Ed 101)
ImNew@This, 18 writes...
So, never having had a relationship before, I don't really know what to do. The girl I'm dating has had lots of experience and always has to initiate everything, because I don't know what there IS to do. So my questions is this: how can two girls interact romantically? Not going to far as to having sex or anything like that, but what comes after kissing?Brittany says...
Considering I've never been in a relationship with a woman, I'm going to toss this one out to the readers - if you are a woman and have been in a relationship with another woman, care to share your thoughts?
Personally, I'd think a relationship with a woman is the same as having a relationship with a man. You can kiss, you can have oral sex, you can partake in mutual masturbation, and you can have sex. Some people like to think of it in terms of bases, such as you start off as kissing, then first would be going up the shirt, second would be using your hands to pleasure the other person, third would be oral sex, and home would be having actual sex.
It's all up to you and what you're ready for. Talk to your partner and tell her your concerns, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to help you out. I find that most relationships for myself are kind of "go with the flow" and less "oh my God, what comes next!?"
Tags: sex, relationships, kissing, girls, lesbian
Kiss and Run (Ask A Guy)
Kedia, 14 writes...
My story's a little bit complicated.
There's a guy at school who is an absolute jerk and yet at the same time, an absolute hottie. He's had three girlfriends in the past two months. Though at first I really liked him, I vowed I would never fall for the charming side of him but I did. I kissed him once, just to see if I really and truly liked him, but I felt nothing. Now, all of the sudden, I see him with another girl and I feel completely jealous and betrayed. I know it's not right because I was the one who vowed to never like him, but I still feel angry at him for even thinking about another girl. I mean, he did kiss me, right?
I spoke to my best friend about it and much my dislike, she told me she felt the same way. For some strange reason, I don't want to even talk to her anymore.
Any advice would help. Please.
Daniel says...
The reason you're so bent out of shape over this is because you're upset with yourself for falling for this guy's games as much as you're truly hurt that this guy doesn't like you. The fact that this guy has had three girlfriends in a mere two months tells you everything you need to know about how special he holds things like kisses. Your personalities and values clearly don't match up and you're better off without him because of it.
It hurts any time your affection is unrequited. This is particularly so when you give something of yourself (like a kiss when that means something to you) in the hopes that the guy feels the same way. Keep in mind that when you see him with another girl and your anger boils a little bit, that his feelings for that other girl are no stronger than his feelings for you. He has proven that he doesn't invest anything in his relationships with girls and he is content to be something of an undiscerning manwhore. Kissing you was an unemotional thing for him and kissing any of those other girls is the same. It hurts, but all this means is that you should be more picky about ho you kiss - make sure they share your values before you decide to kiss them!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, why guys run away
Make Out Freak Out (Ask A Guy)
Maes, 17 from Tennessee writes...
When my boyfriend and I make out, he loves "French kissing." But I don't do it that much because it scares me. I'll sometimes suck on his tongue, or vice-versa and that seems to do him good for a few minutes, but he likes French kissing a lot. I don't know how to do it.. I'm scared I'll end up slobbering everywhere (I know that sounds gross)! Can you give me any tips on how to French kiss my boyfriend? And can you give me any tips on certain stuff to do while kissing?
Daniel says...
Fortunately for us all, Martine has written a fabulous article on kissing! It's a great read, so you should check it out. It includes information on when to kiss, how to get things started, as well as sections on different types of kissing (including one on French kissing). I won't rehash the tips in that article, but I will say that confidence is everything. Whether you're an aggressive kisser or a subtle, soft kisser, giving an air of confidence while you're doing it makes a huge difference in how a guy reacts to you.
I will also say that a little bit of saliva is part of kissing. If things get a little messy, well, it happens. But if a guy is put off by the fact that you salivate when kissing him, then he has bigger fish to fry. Seriously, you're locking lips and sticking your tongues in eachother's mouths...some exchange of saliva is guaranteed (heck, it's kind of a necessity). My suggestion is to settle your nerves, accept that your lips might get a little wet in the process, and simply have fun...that's precisely what kissing is supposed to be!
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, saliva
French Kissing (Big Sister)
x0klly0x, 14 writes...
Hi, I'm really confused and was hoping you could help me. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. We're very close and this is both our first serious relationship. Because neither one of us usually know what we're doing when it comes to making out, etc.. we sort of make it up as we go along. But recently he's been joking around and sticking his tongue in my mouth. It's not like this freaks me out or anything, I don't really care, considering how close we are. He told me, though, he wants to try french kissing. I really don't know what to do though. He'll joke around and stick his tongue in my mouth and then laugh and say "Oh c'mon, you do it." I know I said before that we just make it up as we go along but I really don't know what to do. Imagining sticking my tongue out while kissing just seems absurd to me. It seems like it would make my mouth feel... weird. I don't really want to but I guess he's really curious as to knowing what it's like... I'm just really trying to figure out what to do about this. Thanks so much for the help.Ivette says...
You should really check this out! Purplepjs has a great article about kissing. It's good you feel comfortable with your boyfriend and can disscuss anything and even be silly about it. I would say to follow the tips in the link. The first time might not be perfect but with practice things will get much better! Good luck!
Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, kissing, boyfriend, girlfriend, serious, french kissing
Saliva—It’s Not Just A Band Anymore (Ask A Guy)
x0klly0x, 14 writes...
Hi Daniel. I'm really confused and was hoping you could help me. I've been with my boyfriend for three months. We're very close and we're one another's first serious relationship. Because neither one of us usually knows what we're doing when it comes to making out, etc. we sort of make it up as we go along. Recently he's been joking around and sticking his tongue in my mouth. It's not like this freaks me out or anything, I don't really care, considering how close we are. He told me, though, he wants to try French kissing. I really don't know what to do, though. He'll joke around and stick his tongue in my mouth and then laugh and say, "oh c'mon, you do it."
I know I said before that we just make it up as we go along but I really don't know what to do. Imagining sticking my tongue out while kissing just seems absurd to me. It seems like it would make my mouth feel...weird. I don't really want to but I guess he's really curious as to knowing what it's like. I'm just really trying to figure out what to do about this. Thanks so much for the help.
Daniel says...
Figuring out what to do with that mass of muscle in the middle of your mouth is one of the trickiest parts of kissing. It seems like it's in the way and it can take a while before you become comfortable with it. I suppose what I'm saying is don't worry, you're not the first person to experience this. Kissing is supposed to be something that you enjoy and if the thought of something creeps you out, then don't do it. Over time, your preferences will change or you will become a little more adventurous - seeking to try new things when making out. Perhaps that will eventually develop into using more tongue while you kiss, but if you aren't comfortable with the thought, then there's no reason to jump in headfirst. Tell your boyfriend this - he needs to know.
A common mistake among people new to kissing is the idea that you should shove your tongue inside the other person's mouth, leave it there, and root around for as long as you possibly can until you need to come up for air. Talk about nasty, not to mention the excess saliva that would likely be flowing all over the place! More realistically, people tend to develop a habit of using their tongue sporadically to gently (and briefly) touch the tongue or mouth of their partner. It isn't intended to be a long-term spit-swapping snog-fest. Perhaps the "brief contact" idea is something that is more appealing to you. Whatever your preference is, it's something you should communicate to your boyfriend so he knows exactly how you feel. If you don't, he's going to keep pushing the thought of doing something that otherwise sounds kind of gross to you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, making out, tongue
More Than Just Kissing (Big Sister)
sandra, 14 from United States writes...
I want to know about hickeys. How do I give one? And why would someone give them to someone else? My friend had one and it looked kind of gross but everyone in my class thought it was cool. I just want to be prepared!amanda says...
Hickeys happen when blood is brought closer to the skin's surface, like a bruise. This can be done by sucking your skin. On sensitive areas, it's easier to do. That's why the neck is a common spot to see hickeys. You can try it on your own arm thought if you really want to practice! Usually in the middle of a make out session if you suck and kiss your partner's neck, it can feel really good, They do look kind of gross and can be embarrassing to have on your neck if you are going to be around your family or in a formal occasion. Even going to school with one can be weird, I find. Right now it may seem cool, but you will soon realize that more people try to hide them, rather than show them off. Anyway, some people don't like having their neck sucked that way, so it's something you have to slowly try to incorporate and see how the other person reacts.He Kissed Another Girl! (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 18 writes...
There is this guy I really like. He is not the player type at all, I really just like him because he is so sweet. We've been friends for a while and he never showed any interest. Lately, however, he's been showing all of the signals: he stares at me, he gets nervous around me, teases me, etc. Then, I learned that he kissed a different girl yesterday! What is his deal?
Daniel says...
If your friend judged that he did not have a reasonable chance to win you over, then it's entirely plausible that he decided to pursue someone else. This could even happen while he was still interested in you. Don't forget about Ladder Theory in this situation, either. If you are at the top of this guy's ladder, he won't stop pursuing you (assuming he isn't in a committed relationship). Obviously, if he's in a relationship, then that changes things a little bit. Say you are at the top of his ladder but there's a girl who is very close to you (say just a single rung below) and this girl indicates a clear-cut interest in him, then that may be enough to win him over. It isn't simply about "who is hottest", so there isn't a simply relationship equation that will explain away any strange behavior.
He may very well still be interested in you, but it sounds like he's just getting an idea what his options are. Some guys handle "parallel relationships" really well. And by that I mean several relationships that are developing simultaneously. Some guys (including your devoted columnist) are more "serial relationship" people, preferring to see how things go with one person before moving on to new people. If this guy is a parallel guy, then he might not feel kissing someone else is really a big deal at all. What's important is what you think. If you thought things might be going somewhere and now feel betrayed by him kissing someone else, then that's well within your rights to feel that way. Don't be unfair and expect him to magically know you're interested in him if you don't say something first.
My suggestion is to continue being casual friends with him and see where things go. He may very well like you, but you don't want to make him feel trapped or he will definitely run away. Flirt with him a bit and have fun with him; if he decides he wants to date you, that's great. If he decides to look elsewhere, your friendship is still there.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, gauging interest
Alcohol - All Bets Are Off (Ask A Guy)
sabrina, 19 writes...
After a big party three weeks ago at my best friend Leah's house, Leah, this guy I've been casually seeing for about a month (Tyler), and I were all cleaning up together at about 5 am. We were all still wasted, but everyone else had already left. While cleaning, Tyler and I were flirting and kissing a lot. Leah kept laughing because of the awkwardness, so Ty joked a couple times, "Leah, you wanna get in on this?" I don't think he expected her to respond, but the second time he said that, Leah turned to me, giggled, and said "if Sabrina is okay with it." I froze up for a bit, and said "fine" and they pecked/kissed on the lips.
It made me feel really uncomfortable, especially because Leah and I promised each other about a month before to NEVER do anything with a guy the other was with. I also think that was disrespectful of Tyler - to do that right in front of me and all. Before Tyler left, he kissed me for about 10 seconds, gave Leah another peck, then kissed and hugged me again and said he'd dream about me. Tyler went back to boarding school, so that's on hold till next summer anyway. I told my friend I didn't like what she did, and she complained about being a third wheel during cleanup, so I just said I forgave her and moved on.
However, I can't stop thinking about this whole situation. I was really starting to like Tyler and really starting to trust Leah...now I just feel like I always need to watch my back. What does this demonstrate about Tyler? Was he trying to switch and go for Leah instead? And what kind of friend is Leah? Normally she's really good to me.
Thanks Daniel!
Daniel says...
I think what this says about Tyler is that he was drunk. If you're stretching things a bit, you may be able to conclude that he's a horny drunk, but you're really not safe in assuming anything else. Remember that you had been drinking all night and you even admitted the two of you were going pretty hot and heavy during the party cleanup. This undoubtedly made Leah feel a little awkward and Tyler was probably able to pick up on that. Body language is a dead giveaway as to how someone is feeling and being a little drunk certainly doesn't impede one's ability to interpret it. In fact, being drunk may have made Leah's behavior even more obvious, making it even easier for Tyler to pick up on it. When he asked Leah if she wanted to get in on the action, he was probably just trying to lighten the mood; I'm guessing he never expected it to actually go anywhere. Let this be a lesson that if you are uncomfortable with a situation, you need to speak up!!!
It certainly doesn't seem like Tyler was trying to "switch" or exchange you for Leah. He still kissed you last and told you he would dream about you - as best I can tell he gave Leah no similar indication. As for what kind of friend Leah is, I'd say it sounds like she was a drunk friend - a drunk friend who sought your approval before kissing the guy you are interested in. Be very careful trotting out promises the two of you made to one another; those promises were made when you were sober and when alcohol is involved, promises and plans are often tossed right out the nearest window. Or down the nearest flight of stairs. Or through the...you get the idea. Let this serve as a lesson to you that you should never be afraid to speak your mind when you stand a chance of having your feelings get hurt. If Tyler had a problem with you putting the kibosh on him kissing Leah, then he wasn't the right guy for you. And if Leah had a problem with you not wanting her to swap spit with your guy, then she's really there only for herself. Next time, lay off the booze and try giving being yourself a chance.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, flirting, mistakes, alcohol