Just Friends
Out of Line? (Ask A Guy)
audrie, 19 from California writes...
I have a boyfriend who I've been seeing for about seven months and I care for very much, but I also have a really close guy friend, and things are starting to get complicated. Matt (my friend) wanted to come stay with me at college, and of course I asked my boyfriend if this would bother him. He said it was fine, but I could tell it wasn't, so I canceled my plans with Matt. Matt got REALLY angry about this and didn't speak to me for about a week. I didn't feel that I was in the wrong for respecting my boyfriend's feelings, but I apologized anyway. Then one weekend when I was home, Matt wanted to hang out. I said I would if I could, but I ended up hanging out with my family instead and didn't hang out with him. He also got extremely upset about this, which I felt was unfair. Matt has told me in the past that he likes me, but we don't discuss it anymore and I could never like him in that way. He's been acting extremely possessive, but it's not his place to do that, right? What is his deal? Thank you!
Daniel says...
I understand that you say you could never like him in that way, and you should be thankful for that fact. If you want a glimpse into what a relationship with Matt would look like, simply take a look at how he has been behaving these past few months. He's controlling you and getting upset when his machinations are unsuccessful. He's punishing you when you don't comply with his wishes, but he's completely unwilling to treat your relationship for what it is - a friendship - and instead expects you to bow to his every desire, as though you are in a romantic relationship. What's even more scary is what he seemingly expects from a romantic relationship. Think of the expectations he is placing on your friendship and then imagine what it must be like if you actually were in a committed relationship with him.
Matt is way out of line in this situation. He clearly likes you (although you already knew that) and he is incapable of considering the reasonableness of his actions before he takes his (unjustified) frustration out on you. Trust me when I say it's not his place at all to be acting like this and trying to control your behavior. If you don't put a stop to his behavior, it will likely only get worse and become increasingly uncomfortable. Talking to him about it will probably result in him getting mad and not talking to you for a while, but that's just Matt playing to type. If he isn't mature enough to realize you are in a relationship, are happy in that relationship, and you want to respect the reasonable expectations of your boyfriend, then is his friendship really worth it? In my opinion, any friendship that comes with strings attached is not a friendship at all.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, jealousy, just friends
Not What He Has In Mind, But… (Ask A Guy)
Chelsea, 17 from Ohio writes...
I am getting ready to go to college and have made good friends with a guy I'll be at school with next year. I am not going to dispute ladder theory, because I do believe he's developing feelings for me. However, I've been very up front that I'm in a serious relationship and that I have no such feelings for him.
With this in mind, is it wrong for me to continue to be friends with him? I don't believe I'm stringing him along, but I want a guys' perspective.
Daniel says...
There's nothing wrong with remaining friends with someone who likes you - even if you don't share those feelings. However, you must keep in mind that you are now the only one of the two of you who is capable of seeing the friendship objectively. In this guy's mind, everything the two of you do will be clouded by his feelings for you. Keeping that in mind, it is your job to avoid anything that might be interpreted as a sign that you are interested in him. This is necessary not only in order to keep him from convincing himself that you are in love with him but also so your own boyfriend doesn't get the wrong idea about this friendship.
Along those lines, don't always hang out with him, and don't drop everything whenever he calls or stops by. You need to keep enough distance that he doesn't start to think the two of you are getting cozier than you intend. Once again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with befriending someone who has feelings for you. It should be approached cautiously, but you are perfectly okay to pursue this friendship.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, just friends, male intentions
Yes, They Do Have A Reason (Ask A Guy)
Really Annoyed, 16 writes...
Can boys and girls just be friends? I'm very good friends with a guy. We both like to dance and we make each other laugh easily. Everyone around us says that we like each other but we don't. Whenever I deny that I like him people give me that "you're in denial" look - even though I'm telling the truth. How can I get them to stop? It's very annoying.
Daniel says...
Not to be flip, but if you want them to stop, ignore them. People often say things purely to gauge someone's reaction or to get a rise out of them. If you don't provide a reaction for them to observe, then they will eventually lose interest in obtaining one. Unfortunately, folks your age are often the subject of a certain amount of ridicule, so your age combined with everything else make you something of a target. As I said, just ignore it and eventually it will go away.
With that said, it is extremely rare for a guy and girl to be able to be "just friends" without someone's feelings getting in the way. If you're a regular reader of this column, you know that there have been very few (if any) examples of a guy and girl who have remained nothing more than friends. This also helps explain why people would be a little skeptical of your "just friends" claims. Their persistence and knowing looks are only par for the course. After all - most of them were your age once, too.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, peer pressure, just friends, controlling reactions
A Relationship Takes Two (Ask A Guy)
Girl_who_needs_advice2012, 16 writes...
How do I get my ex back even though he wants to date someone else? He broke up with me because apparently after one day he's over me like that. He decided he only wants to be friends and only likes me as a friend. What should I do?
Daniel says...
If your boyfriend broke up with you claiming he doesn't like you any more or he only wants to be friends, then there's really nothing you can do. As much as we would like at times, we cannot (and should not) manipulate other people once they have made up their minds about a personal decision. If you were able to change his mind, then what would that say about how much he really wants to be with you? You cannot simply tell someone what to feel and then hope to have them actually feel that emotion. What's most likely is that, if you were able to make him want to date you again, it would be a decision made out of pity or shame. He wouldn't want to be with you but he would feel like he should. No one wants to be in that position.
If he has moved on, then so should you. Join a new club. Reunite with friends whose relationships suffered while you were with this guy. Take more hours at work (or get a part-time job) so you can make more money. Keep yourself busy and you won't have idle attention that nearly always seems to fixate on the most painful thing in your life. Staying busy will allow your subconscious mind to focus on and process the pain you experience as you get over this guy and you will soon find your mood increasing and discover that you think of him less and less. I know this doesn't sound like fun - it probably doesn't even sound bearable. But give yourself a few days to think about it and it will begin to make sense. Eventually, you understand that this is the best thing for you and at some point you will meet a guy who really wants to be with you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, just friends, break ups
A Confusing Situation (Ask A Guy)
KiwiBlue, 19 from Illinois writes...
Dear Daniel,
Let me sum it up. Friends for five years. Then we cuddled. He complimented my eyes, hair and intelligence. Then he kissed me. We made out. He tried to go further. I stopped him because I wanted to be sure he really liked me as much as I like him. He seemed frustrated after a while but respected my wishes. Then he held me, and when I said he was cute he kissed my head and said, "no, YOU'RE cute.". He said he'd protect me and seemed to mean it. Then he said it felt casual to kiss me. Not wrong, or like a mistake (I asked both) but just casual. Said he COULD take his hands away if he wanted to, he just didn't want to. I asked if he wanted to just be friends. (I was asking if that was how HE felt, not suggesting it myself.) But he agreed. I was completely confused. He asked me to open up and tell him how I was feeling. I said I couldn't. He apologized for leading me on and said he felt like an asshole. We went home. I am out of my mind. Any advice at all would be beyond appreciated.
Daniel says...
It sounds like this guy might have kissed you in either a moment of weakness or because he thought it's what you wanted. Apologizing for leading a girl on isn't something a guy does when he secretly likes her and then acquiesces to being "just friends." I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds as though this guy isn't interested after all. As far as where to go next, keep being friends with the guy. It's possible he could develop feelings for you over time, but don't get your hopes up. The minute you start pining over one person and waiting for them to magically develop feelings for you is the time when you miss the person who might be right for you. If you want, you could try having another more focused conversation with him.
Explain your confusion, tell him what you were trying to say and what you were trying to ask and get his feelings about the situation. This is somewhat of a "nuclear" option because if the conversation does not go well, then you could end up setting your friendship back. It's an option, though. As far as where you go from here, that's up to you.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, kissing, gauging interest, just friends