Internet Dating
Flag Day Is This Sunday! (Ask A Guy)
Coti, 19 from Arizona writes...
Hello Daniel, I need a little bit of an opinion. About a year ago, I accepted a guy from Florida on Facebook. He is a very well educated guy, sweet, polite, funny and an adorable 28 year old. It wasn't until five months ago that we started to talk nonstop every day. I talk to him about four to five hours a day; if it's not on the phone, we are IMing or texting each other and since then he became a really, really good friend of mine. We've never met in person but he is coming to visit me in a couple of weeks. I don't see anything bad about it since we are really close and we have an awesome time interacting, but do you think it's weird for a guy that's just a friend to come visit a girl a few states away? All my friends are throwing the "pedophile" flag at him and such, but I don't see anything wrong with it. Besides I am 19, it's not like I am 14 or 15. I am actually very excited and he is, too. Do you see something odd or bad about it?
Daniel says...
Nine years' age difference does seem fairly significant when you consider that you are still in your teens and he apparently seems to think of this as a fairly serious relationship. With that said, I wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion that he is a pedophile or has hidden or nefarious motives for his visit. I would, however, exercise a little extra caution when you meet him for the first time.
One tricky thing about the internet is that you have the ability to become whomever you like. Sometimes we feel pressures in life to conform to a certain stereotype or expectation and the internet, with its lack of person-to-person contact, frees us of those requirements. At the same time, people with serious problems can also present themselves as normal people and give no indication of the problems or red flags they would normally throw up.
My suggestion is that when you meet this guy initially, you do so in a public place and bring a friend or two along with. If you get together in a mall food court, your friends wouldn't even need to be right there next to you. They could be a safe (unnoticeable) distance away and you could have a sign set up to call them over if you become concerned about something. However, if your friends were right there next to you, they would be able to develop an opinion of him and share that opinion with you during a trip to the bathroom (girls still go to the bathroom in packs, right?). Any time you are meeting an internet acquaintance in real life, it is critical that you exercise a little extra caution. You never know who you might be dealing with. The odds would seem to be against this guy being some kind of pervert, but you can never be too careful.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, internet dating, warning signs
Slow Down!!! (Ask A Guy)
Ann, 30 from California writes...
Hello Daniel,
I met a guy on an internet site. It started slow but then progressed quickly to I LOVE YOU's by the thousands. I too participated in them! Well, it was all so great that we decided to try at a serious relationship - marriage...engagement for now. Well, after meeting me he found out I had damaged my hair severely and wore a hair piece, but he stayed and helped me with it. He grew to really love spending time with my older children, and he moved from Georgia to California to try to make it work with me. He also took me to visit his mother and two brothers in Sacramento for a weekend. He told me his ex was watching his two younger kids in Georgia, but recently she called my daughter's number from his bill and really questioned her as a wife would...why are you, who are you, etc.
I was very uncomfortable with a lot of things, so I asked continually if he was sure he loved me. His response was, "I moved all the way from Georgia to be with you," and other things like that. He said he fell in love with my pictures, but I did not look exactly like them and yet he still stuck around. Lately all that has changed. The texting has completely stopped, and he is moving to Sacramento,to stay. In a fit of depression, I took off my engagement ring and when he saw that he looked angry and almost full of tears. But he was moving away physically and emotionally so I figured I needed to get on with the pain of losing him. He now is so distant that we rarely if ever talk. There is no more texting, no more I love you's, no more anything. Even though we have not had sexual relations he said our heated affectionate times were not cool.
I am confused...what brought about the change? Is this fast, heated relationship of ONE MONTH done already? He snapped at me today and refused to talk about our relationship citing he had heavy things on his mind, no job, no place to stay, and his kids in addition. Every time I mention us, he simply says he doesn't want to talk about it. Is it over already? What can I do to bring it back to respect and affection? It that even possible? If so, how?
Daniel says...
I'm sorry to say, you had the wool pulled over your eyes in a bad way. Your instincts told you it was this guy's wife that was calling and there's every reason you should trust your instincts - especially when they're telling you something this upsetting. Suppose for a minute that this wasn't a wife that was calling and asking all these probing questions. The fact that she was able to get your phone number and knew enough to call you and check on this guy means that, at the very least, he's in a serious relationship or very recently got out of a serious relationship. And if that is the case, then it seems obvious that he isn't ready for another relationship so soon.
Regarding his sudden change in behavior, it sounds like this is a thinly-veiled attempt to cover his tracks, end your relationship, and give him the ability to save whatever his current relationship is without having to admit what is really going on to you. My guess is he would have continued this charade as long as he could have, and there would have been an endless string of excuses for why your "engagement" never resulted in "marriage." It's also fairly safe to say that he probably isn't really moving to Sacramento - I'm willing to bet it's part of this elaborately-constructed charade. Don't bother trying to figure out what went wrong with this relationship and whether it's possible to save things between you. I'd say it's pretty clear what "went" wrong was actually wrong from the start - him. And is it really worth saving things?
Finally, don't rush so quickly into such a serious relationship. A lot of this pain could have been avoided by taking things more slowly and watching for signs that all wasn't right where this guy was concerned.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, internet dating, moving too fast, endless engagements
A Reader Nearly Causes Daniel to Reach for the Thesaurus! (Ask A Guy)
Michele, 18 writes...
Dear Daniel,
I don't know if you're familiar with instant messaging websites such as omegle.com or chatroulette.com, but these sites allow you to communicate with people from around the world. Well, I met someone on Omegle in mid-September and we've been talking consistently since then. I think the longest we've gone without some form of contact is three days. We started off talking on AIM every night, which slowly evolved into Skype phone calls, then cell phone calls and texting. At this point, we've been video chatting on Skype for the past month and a half. We talk/video for at least 4-5 hours every night, and we'll randomly text throughout the day when he's at work and I'm at school. As you can probably assume, our personalities are ineffably compatible.
We admitted that we had mutual feelings for each other in early November. Normally, this wouldn't pose a problem, but there are two issues at hand here. One, distance. He lives half a continent away in Texas; I'm in New York. Two, there is an age difference. We started talking when I was 17, but I'm 18 now. He's 24. This isn't a colossal age difference, but I know it will be enough to make some of my friends and family uncomfortable.
We recently began talking about meeting in person, even if it's just for one weekend. Either he would fly to my university and stay at my dorm, or I would fly to Texas and stay at his apartment. Since this rendezvous wouldn't go over well with my parents (they are extremely uptight and closed-minded when it comes to meeting people online), he offered to pay for the round-trip flight so it wouldn't show up on my credit card bill. We're thinking about booking a flight for about a month from now.
I just wanted to hear your thoughts on whether or not I should meet up with him. I feel like there is a stigma attached to meeting people online, but I've been extremely cautious as I know you shouldn't trust everyone from the internet. But through Facebook, I know for a fact that he is who he says he is, works where he says he works, etc. He's told a couple of his friends about me and I've talked to one on the phone. I know that we will end up meeting up eventually, whether it be a month or a year from now, but I don't know if this is too soon, as I've only known him for a little more than three months.
Thanks for all your help!
Daniel says...
I am familiar with (though not a user of) the types of chat sites you mention. They sound like a fun tool but - like most "toys", they are best in moderation and should not be someone's only source of communication with the outside world. I'm not implying that is the case for you...it doesn't sound that way at all. I merely include the statement as a public service announcement for other interested readers.
Regular readers will know that I am a regular voice for caution and extreme care when meeting someone you've met only through electronic means. This guy may seem like the nicest guy in the world, and he has certainly gone out of his way to spend an inordinate amount of time getting to know you, but you can never be completely certain when meeting someone for the first time. You cite Facebook and the fact that you have spoken with his friends as proof that he is genuine. And most likely you're right - he is probably who he really says he is. But you really have no way of knowing. With Facebook open to anyone and everyone with an email account he could simply create an alter ego. Lots of criminals hold down real jobs, too and it's possible to disguise your voice so his "friend" was really this guy. People are capable of perpetuating all kinds of elaborate hoaxes on unsuspecting victims.
In your case, you propose to fly halfway across the country, traveling to a location with which you are not familiar, and relying completely on someone you barely know to be the person he claims he is. It's a scary proposition. What's more, you're talking about doing this without telling your parents. If they were to find out (say they were to surprise you with a visit to your campus while you were gone), whatever trust you have with them would be shattered for a long time to come.
My honest opinion is that there is no reason whatsoever that you should be the one to travel to see him. If he wants to see you, he should visit you. He should pay for a plane ticket, pay for a hotel room, and show that he is sincere by meeting you on your turf and providing you the ability to meet him when you have friends around and can get away or tell him to leave if he crosses any boundaries.
Another concern I have is that your proposed date appears to be very close to Valentine's Day. By itself, this is not a problem, but guys can get a little weird around Valentine's Day. I, for one, wouldn't want the first time I meet someone to be around Valentine's Day, when hearts and kisses and love are surrounding us on billboards, television, and in our minds. Talk about an awkward introduction.
Ultimately, you have to do what you want. But my advice is to make sure you're not seeing one another on Valentine's Day and to make sure he visits you. He's the guy. He needs to prove his interest. He needs to pursue you and that's not done by sitting on his ass while you fly halfway across the country.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, long distance relationships, internet dating, meeting for the first time
Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me A (Better) Match (Ask A Guy)
Pammy, 28 writes...
I met N over a matchmaking website and we became an "item" in just two weeks after two meet-ups. The sparks just came. But N doesn't seems to be interested in further understanding or building the relationship. We only met up once a month for sex at his house, we don't talk or text during the month. He told me once that he wouldn't say "I love you" unless he really meant it, so all along he only says "miss you". Last month when we met up, he said, "I love you" while we were making out. But now it has been over a month and we have neither talked nor met up.
I tried to ask him what he is busy with but he just brushes off my questions and asks what I want to do with him. He is out of contact during weekends and most of the days he said he is overseas. I am falling hard for him (I like bad boys and he is one of them). How can I get him to talk to me and to work out the relationship? We have been "together" for five months.
Recently, another guy named L came into my life. L was those kind of goody guys, one who would die for his girlfriend. He keep hinting to me that he wanted to go further (he doesn't know about the existence of N). I don't want to lead him further into thinking I am interested. How do I put it in a way that would not hurt him so we can continue to be friends?
Daniel says...
So you've known this guy (in the biblical sense) for just a few months, yet you don't even really know this guy in any other way. He intentionally stays out of contact with you except to set up your next sexual encounter with one another. If you ask me, everything about this guy screams that he is either married or in another relationship and is simply looking to have an affair. Talk to N and see if you can find reasons why he doesn't want to talk more between visits. It's tough to take your relationship seriously at this point, because he isn't taking you seriously. Even if he would be willing to exchange emails with you, that would be better than nothing. But an occasional phone call should be greatly preferable. Think about this guy's behavior...he isn't showing you an ounce of commitment.
If you aren't happy with L and don't think you could be, then you need to slowly cut off any flirty or other possibly-romantic contact with him. Keep things purely casual, don't return any efforts he makes to flirt with you, and be sure to control the contact between you. By doing so, you can limit his interest and keep him from getting the idea there may be something more there.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, internet dating, self-respect, dating your type
A Not So Boyfriend-Girlfriend Relationship (Big Sister)
singingrose120, 21 writes...
My dating scene has never been, well, the greatest. So I tried the online dating thing for a while and I met this guy. He was really cute and we hit it off really fast online. He moved from the DC area to Hollywood to live his dream. When we decided to meet, we hit it off again. I have never had so much fun with a person who I have hardly known. We were both so comfortable with each other that we continued to see each other. Finally, one night things got a little hot and heavy and I ended up dropping my V-Card with him. I was really excited that I am finally with someone who really likes me who would actually want to do that with me, (My past boyfriends have either turned gay on me or just got sick of me after two months) so I was on cloud 9 and everything. Well after that we were dating for a while and he started getting really frustrated with not being able to find a job and he started to stop calling me and texting me. I confronted him about it and we talked for a while and realized that we both rushed into this relationship and we both broke up with each other and started trying to be friends first before we get into things again. Before he met me he was with a girl that he was going to ask to marry him for 5 years and has been broken up with her for almost a year and a half. He is still an emotional wreck from time to time and has a lot of trust issues. I want him to be happy and be the person who I met, someone who has a dream and is trying to live it, but I also want him to know that he can trust me, and that I will be there for him. He also has issues about not having any real friends or anyone who has actually "loved" him, so I have texted him with just some friendly, "Hi, just wanted to see how you were doing. Hopefully I'll talk to you later." Usually I will never hear back from him, but then out of the blue I'll get a glimpse of something and we will hang out a couple times. He knows I still like him and that I want to be with him, but I think my biggest problem is that I really don't know what to do. He feels smothered by me texting him all the time and I know he is not ready to have a relationship, but I think eventually he does want a relationship with me. So, what can I do that is not too smothering but still showing him that I'm girlfriend material for him? P.S: He still has some reminders of her on Facebook and in his house...what should I do about that? Should I tell him to take it off and get rid of them cause it might help him? It's always helped me in the past. HELP!!!Ivette says...
I don't think you should tell him to take off the reminders of his ex-girlfriend. It's not your place to tell him that, at least still. Unless you're officially his girlfriend you have the right to do so, other than that you can't do much. The first thing that popped into my head when you said he was having a hard time finding a job and that he feels smothered by you texting him, is that maybe the problem is money issues. It's possible he is having a hard time making ends meet, and that includes the cell phone bill. Do you know if he is with a company or his phone is pre-paid? Or is someone else paying for his phone? If he is paying his phone, it might be possible for him to tell you that you're smothering him instead of throwing his ego out the window and telling you that he can't afford the texts and phone calls. Take that into consideration and re-evaluate the situation to see if maybe that's a possible cause of his distance via cell phone use. Invite him more to your place to have fun and watch movies, maybe you guys just need a little more recreational time before rushing into things like you said. Make it affordable for everyone, and maybe he will feel more positive about having a relationship (despite the tight budget). Usually, unemployment causes emotional strains on an individual so it's not surprising that he feels more negative in general. Try to be as positive as you can, don't think "us" or "me" this is something about him. He needs to get first familiarized and grounded before jumping into a relationship with you. Give it time, and abstain from throwing him the "I Love You's" Right now he just needs to focus on finding a job and getting his career started. Having a girlfriend is not in his top priorities so try to be his friend for now.Tags: sex, advice, big sister, girl, long distance, friendship, boy, money, internet dating, budget