Hurt Feelings
The End is in Sight (Ask A Guy)
advise?, 18 writes...
Hi there. This is rather long but I'll try to sum it up. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for three years until I broke up with him this November. It's been a little more than a month now.
Even when the relationship was new, he was really selfish and he always said whatever came to his mind when I did something he doesn't like and he would never ask me why I did it or anything of that sort. I always tried to understand that it's a part of his character. However, I always told him not to talk to me that way because I get really hurt.
Otherwise, we were really happy and loving and caring toward each other, but I always felt I had to do everything the way he wanted for him to be good to me. The instant he would get mad at me, he never remembered my feelings and just said anything and everything to me. Whenever I got mad at him, he would turn the tables around and blame me. In the end, he would call my thinking immature and that sort of thing - putting me down if I'm not similar to him. But, then again, all those times I tried to accept him and always make him understand.
Then in the third year, I had a crush on another guy. I never talked to him or anything (it was purely based on looks). I told my boyfriend and he got really mad at me and accused me of sleeping with that guy and lots of other things, and he started being extra mean to me. When he was feeling okay he was the same loving and caring boyfriend, but whenever he got mad he would use those things against me and make me feel terrible. I still stayed by his side crying and begging him not to do that to me because he was hurting me a lot and making me fed up of him but he never changed. He always said he is trying but it doesn't show in his actions. All the same bullshit lasted for eight whole months and later on he realized things a bit because I started distancing myself from him. As a result, he tried to show he wanted to change, but a few days later I found him outside with his friend while he told me he was asleep and he didn't respond to my call. He lied to me saying he didn't have the phone.
That's the day I broke up with him because I didn't think being there for him and forgiving all the pain he was causing me was worth it because he broke my trust by lying to me for such a silly thing.
As I said before it's been more than a month now and he has been crying and begging me to take him back. He told me that he has realised how precious I was to him now that he has lost me and that he would never do that to me. I told him he has put me through too much pain to take him back and give him another chance.
After weeks, although I'm still very hurt that he did and said things that were so unexpected to me, I miss him a lot and I realise he actually loves and cares for me a lot and he has been there for me through a lot. At first my parents didn't approve of him but he stayed by my side. Later when I was in Australia we continued a long distance relationship for a year. So I really love him and I know he loves me, too. To this day, every time we talk he tells me that he would treat me right and would take all my hurt away by making me happy.
Anyway, now I'm thinking, "should I take him back or not?" Sometimes I want to be with him, but after thinking that he has always been like that and I have always had to do things his way for him to be good to me and stuff like that, I'm not really sure he deserves another chance.
I gave him a lot of chances during the eight months I was really unhappy because I couldn't take it anymore. I even broke up with him a few times, not seriously but just to let him know that I could do it if I wanted. I really hope you are able to help me. Thank you.
Daniel says...
There's a time for talking, wishing, and hoping for someone to change and there's a time for acting out everything you've been thinking about as you have stumbled your way through the past several years. Here are the observations I have based on your description of your relationship. Some of these will likely be similar to what you have realized, but hopefully seeing them written here will help drive them home even further.
This guy has treated you as a second class citizen in your relationship. He behaves how he wants, he gives passing indications of something resembling regret for mistreating you but only when you practically lose your mind telling him how much he has hurt you. He hasn't demonstrated he is capable of thinking about you of his own free will; rather, he requires constant reminders that he's not the only one in the relationship. Strange, considering a relationship, by definition, involves two people.
You have threatened on numerous occasions that you will break up with him if he doesn't change his behavior but the entire reason for your questions to me are rooted in your lack of desire to break up with him in the first place. You write because you wish your ex-boyfriend was perfect while you realize he is not. At the same time, you've even feigned break ups with your boyfriend in the past in order to send him a message that you're serious about him changing his behavior. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy, though, as through your repetitive reconciliation, your "fake break ups" have only entrenched in this guy the idea that you're never really serious about breaking up. Rather than sending him the message that you are serious, you instead send him the message that you are willing to use a lot of scare tactics to get what you want.
To an outsider, this places the two of you on similar footing. He won't take the steps necessary to change his treatment of you but he is willing to make a big fuss about doing so when pressured. Similarly, you won't actually break up with him despite his repeated mistreatment of you - even though you make a lot of threats to do so.
Relationships are hard work and a lot of patience and due diligence is required to make them work. You should be commended for the commitment you have shown to make your relationship work, but there comes a point in any failing relationship when you must do what is in your best interests and cut things off. Your ex-boyfriend isn't going to change for you because you haven't sent him the message that he needs to. Ending the relationship for good just might give him the inspiration he needs to change his behavior for the next girl in his life.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, happiness, hurt feelings
It Was Really Just A Joke (Ask A Guy)
Sweety, 19 writes...
I met a guy at university and I started liking him. Then I found out he really likes me. We talked couple times, but it was just normal conversations. Then I was just messing around and said I'm not his friend. He is not talking to me now, but I know deep down he really does like me because he is always looking at me. He just makes it look like he is not interested. I think he needs to grow up. I don't want to be the one speaking first. What should I do? Thanks!
Daniel says...
Odds are there is a very good reason why he isn't talking to you. Most guys are capable of sensing sarcasm and telling him you're not his friend would certainly have rang as more than a little sarcastic. Maybe he is busy, perhaps he has a lot on his mind, or there could be countless other possible explanations for his sudden lack of interest. If he doesn't straighten up in the next few days, then you really need to consider whether this guy is mature enough for you. If what you said had been truly and unequivocally offensive, then there's something to be said for him withdrawing a bit. But if he's going to be pissy about a little joke without even telling you he's offended or letting you correct the situation, then maybe you shouldn't even be concerned about him.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, hurt feelings, joking around
Materialistic and Shallow (Ask A Guy)
angel000, 23 writes...
Hi Daniel,
Recently my boyfriend said he wanted to buy me something. I kept saying that I don't want it but he insisted a lot and he kind of won. The final resolution was that he is gonna buy it. But when the time came, he didn't give it to me. I thought some financial crisis may have come up. But then again, around that same time, he bought a gift for his female friend (a close one, she is his male childhood friend's younger sister whom he says he considers a sister). It was three times as expensive (something like $670) as the thing he was going to buy for me. I'm not complaining that he didn't give me the stuff but just the thought matters. He doesn't keep his word and instead buys a more expensive gift for his friend (right in front of me). I wouldn't have minded if he didn't give me anything. But this particularly hurts. The problem is not that I want something from him, the problem is this whole thing...you know. So please tell me what to do. I can't talk about this with him because it will just make me look materialistic and shallow (I'm far from either). I know that he loves me and I also know that nothing is going on between them, but his acts sometimes hurt me.
Daniel says...
Deep down inside, I think the thing that bothers you the most about this situation is not that complaining would make you look materialistic and shallow, but rather that you would look hypocritical and self-serving. Your boyfriend was up-front in telling you that he was going to buy you a nice gift, but you objected. You told him you didn't want him to spend the money on you and it sounds as though the two of you had a fairly significant disagreement about it. It's possible that, based on your reaction, he sensed your frustration and questioned whether he really should get you the gift against your wishes, he decided to spare himself the heartache and just buy you the gift he had originally intended on getting you.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a nice guy and if he truly views this other girl as a sister, then he is probably just a genuinely nice guy who wants to treat people well and make them happy. If you feel strongly that this is an important issue, then don't avoid talking about simply because of how you might be perceived. You need to be able to talk about important issues, even uncomfortable issues, with your significant other in order for a relationship to be truly successful. But if you do say something, make sure you are contrite and apologetic for giving him mixed signals. You need to accept your own role in the situation, because it took two people for things to end up this way. Simply putting the blame on him fails to recognize the role you played.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, gift giving, hurt feelings
A Hallway Confrontation (Ask A Guy)
jessica, 17 writes...
There is this guy at my school and I think I might like him. I just don't know what to do. We haven't really officially met, but we have met. It's really complicated so I'll just start from the beginning. I arrived at school one morning and, like every other morning, I had to go to the athletic locker room to put up my uniform. This particular morning the hallways were very crowded, but there was a small path next to the wall. I began walking through the opening, but at the same time these other people decided to walk through the same opening. So of course I had to dodge out of the way. I ended up moving right behind this guy leaning up against the wall. I felt uncomfortable being so close to him and I just wanted to get out of there. So instead of going around him and walking through the path I decided to just step over his feet and walk by. I thought he wouldn't mind, but as soon as I walked over he yelled, "Hey." I didn't want to be rude so I turned around.
When I did turn around I saw a very tall, cute boy starring at me. Then he said, "maybe the hallway would be a better place if you weren't in it," and I just stared at him. I finally got the nerve to speak and I said in a VERY low voice, "that is really rude." He just looked down at me and said, "I know." I gave him a glare that said "jerk" and walked away. I never thought about that moment or him again. I never even told anyone about the incident. Well, months passed, Christmas break came and went, and I never saw him.
A couple days after Christmas break I was walking in the hallway. Every day when I go to second period I walk with my friend Ashley, but on this particular day I lost Ashley in the crowded hallway. I was looking for her and concentrating so hard I started looking at faces and I saw his face looking at me. I didn't really recognize that it was him because I was so focused on finding Ashley so I just ignored it and kept walking away. As I was walking, I felt a big hand press against my shoulder. I looked up and it was him. I'm not sure what he said because I was kind of in shock but this is what I think he said, "I know I don't really know you but I just want you to know I wasn't being serious that day and I don't think you should move to Alaska or go jump off a bridge." I didn't know what to do so I just glared at him, didn't say anything, and walked away.
Now I can't stop thinking about him. I know he probably just stopped me because he felt bad about that day, but I've never had anyone be nice like that. And his face--it looked vulnerable and nice and he just put himself out there. I don't know. I've never seen a guy act or look the way he did. I need your advice; I can't get him out of my head now. I know he likes to party and sleeps with a lot of women. He is known as the guy who doesn't care about anything. He doesn't care what people think and does whatever he wants. He has no goals in life and is also known for being the life of the party. I just need to know how to get over him. I don't want to like him. But he was nice that day and I just walked away. It's unfinished. He's a party animal and is ONE OF THOSE GUYS and I must get over him. I'm begging you, please help me. And please don't tell me to confront him because that will NEVER happen.
Just tell me that him stopping me really means because I just don't understand how that day in the hallway he was like, "I know" and then two months later, goes out of his way to stop me and tell me he didn't mean it. What did him stopping me mean? I have to know!
Daniel says...
Clearly him stopping you means, at least in part, that you need to take some Valium and settle down because you are way too worked up over this! I'm also not going to tell you to confront him, because confrontation is what you do when someone deeply hurts you or when there's an issue that needs resolution. This guy didn't hurt you at all. In fact, I'm impressed with your resilience because he was really rude to you and yet you didn't let it upset you. In fact, you never even thought of the incident (or him) again. That alone proves that a confrontation isn't necessary. You should, however, think about what it was that put you in your current state of mind over all this.
Your current state of mind wasn't driven by an act of anger or by hurt feelings. It was driven by an act of kindness. And while it wasn't a "random" act of kindness because he was merely responding to his prior rudeness, it was certainly an unexpected act of kindness. You are bothered by this because you regret how you reacted to the situation. If you had simply said "thank you," you probably wouldn't be in the position you're in right now. However, because you responded to his olive branch by smacking it out of his hand, the feeling you are experiencing is shame more than anything else.
You are right that this guy isn't the right one for you. If he's a party animal and something of a teenage womanizer and you are appalled by his behavior, then you certainly don't want to be dating him. But if you approached him and simply said, "thank you for what you said the other day" and then walked away, you will have peace of mind and he will get the message that's really all you wanted to say.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, hurt feelings, gauging intent, rudeness