Gauging Interest
Maybe Not Quite The “Best” (Ask A Guy)
Krista, 20 from United States writes...
I'm going through a really bad break up. I say 'bad' because this is the first guy I truly loved, the first guy I felt a deep connection with. I'm just hoping you can tell me what's going through his mind and maybe knock some sense into me.
We were long-distance for most of our relationship because we go to colleges in different parts of the country. We met the night before he went back to school on the west coast (I go to school near our hometown). He had ended things with his last girlfriend (who was also from our hometown and therefore long distance) a few days before he met me. As soon as we met, we hit it off great and we would spend hours talking on the phone, saying sweet things to each other, pretty much acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. Spring break rolled around and he came up to my university to see me and we had a blast.
Anyway, it's been summer for about a month now and he's back in our hometown while I'm taking summer classes at school, which is about an hour away. I had previously noticed changes in his behavior the first few weeks of summer - he didn't say sweet things to me anymore, didn't tell me he missed me, just a general change I guess. Last night he broke up with me over the phone, saying that he didn't think he could do another long distance relationship. He said he was working too much to be able to come and see me as often as he'd like, and since I was taking classes I wouldn't be able to go down and see him either. He said he couldn't handle not being there and that he couldn't put as much into our relationship as he knows I do. He said that he can't take not being there with me when I'm happy, stressing, etc. and it's hard for him to not be able to comfort me in person.
The part that confuses me, though, is that he also said he was an idiot for breaking up with me and that I was the best girlfriend he ever had. This is the part I can't comprehend - if he's such an "idiot" then why is he doing this? Why can't he put forth the effort? I told him that I thought our relationship was worth the extra effort and that I know that we couldn't see each other very often but that it was worth it to me to keep trying. The other thing is that in two and a half months I'm going to Australia for four months because I got a research grant. I don't know if that was a factor in this as well.
Is he lying to me? Is it really the distance (which is only an hour) or did he just completely lose interest in me? I'm devastated because I honestly thought I was going to marry this boy, that's how deep our connection was (or so he told me, and so I foolishly thought).
Advice?
Daniel says...
It sounds like you are dealing with a confluence of causes, the most significant of which is the fact that your (now ex-) boyfriend jumped straight from his previous relationship into his relationship with you. There was no time to be single - which is perhaps the most important time in the relationship cycle.
Another likely contributor is actually your sudden proximity. It seems counterintuitive, but it actually makes sense. Thus far, your entire relationship has been long-distance and he hasn't had to think about spending time with you or worry about how to behave around you. He was probably initially very excited to return home to you and be able to see you much more often. But after a few weeks, he started to realize that the spark when he was close to you wasn't quite the same.
Finally, there's the Australia issue. That's probably the least important issue, but it certainly affects what's going on in his mind. All these issues together contributed to a general lack of interest on your ex-boyfriend's part. Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do. No matter what you try to change your boyfriend's mind, it will wreak of desperation - perhaps one of the least attractive qualities in a girl. At this point, the best thing to do is to accept that your boyfriend has lost interest and begin the process of moving on.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance
Now He’s Interested, Now He’s Not (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 22 writes...
Hi Daniel,
I miss the archive section by the way.
Anyway, I have a question: There is this guy I have liked for ages (I know him through work). I live in a different state now. At the time, I never really thought he was interested in me and that was fine. When I was moving states for work I figured it would help me move on and forget about him because I still liked him but had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't interested. The problem is that he started hitting on me before I left - at a friends birthday and an email after I had moved amongst other things he said. I have been home once since I left and he hit on me again when we caught up at a group get-together.
I got excited so I emailed him when I got back just to simply say it was good to catch up. He replied and I replied back again but nothing else has happened since. I am due back home again at the end of October and because of the last time I saw him I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I am not really sure what to do next, if anything. I don't think I was imagining him hitting on me - he had his arms around me and said things like "don't leave" and to email him, etc. I am confused because on the one hand I feel like he is interested and then on the other I am not sure. Granted, we are in different states but at first I was emotional about moving and at the time and didn't really trust the suddenness of his flirting. I don't know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt or if he is just being manipulative because he thinks I like him and he gets an ego boost. If I see him when I go home in October I will just keep thinking about him and never move on.
Daniel says...
For starters, the archive page will come back eventually and you'll no longer be limited by a certain number of days, as was the case with the old system. Once the new archive method is integrated, you'll be able to read all the old Ask A Guy articles! These things do take time, though, and I appreciate your patience.
Now, on to your question. It is certainly understandable that you would not have succeeded in getting this guy out of your head. His sudden flirtatiousness was ill-timed and such that it was impossible for you to determine his real motives. At this point, you need to make a decision. Considering your recent move (and resultant distance from this guy) are you interested in trying a relationship with him? Would you rather just keep things platonic between the two of you? Or if he threw himself at your feet would you want to give a long-distance relationship a try? I'm not sure how far away you live, but it sounds as though visits home are possible, albeit for an indeterminate cost.
If you would be willing to give a relationship a shot, then you need to open up and try a little harder to keep things moving between the two of you. Just because he doesn't respond to an email doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to you. Send him another "hi, how are you doing" type of email and make sure to talk about things or ask questions to which he will respond. It could simply be that your last email did not contain enough material to necessitate a response. If you send him an email that seems obviously in need of a response and he doesn't do so, then you can assure yourself that he isn't interested and move on.
Set up a chance for the two of you to get together when you are home in October and see how he reacts. If he wants to get together, he won't mince words and his interest will be clear. If he doesn't, then he'll hem and haw about needing to check his schedule and afterward take a considerable amount of time to bet back to you. It is certainly possible that his flirting began simply because you were leaving and he figured that if he made a fool of himself he wouldn't have to worry because you would be gone fairly soon. But the fact that it has continued (even on a relatively light scale) even after your move bodes well for his interest being genuine.
If he kicks the dirt too long, though, be prepared to move on. Fortunately, you are quite a distance apart so moving on is as simple as just not communicating with him and not letting him know when you're going to be home. If necessary, you'll be over him in no time..
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance relationships, sincerity
Knight To D5 (Ask A Guy)
Tia, 17 from United States writes...
My best friend is a guy and he really acts like he has feelings for me. Everyone always assumes we are dating because he treats me so much like a girlfriend. But he has never made a serious "move" to tell me how he feels, although he jokes about it a lot. He tells me he loves me all the time (and means it), and he jokingly says he has a crush on me a lot. Sometimes he even tells people we are dating if they ask him. He often asks questions like, "do you wanna go make out?" or "what do you think people would say if we held hands?" Sometimes we even do hold hands. We are best friends, and I do love him, but it seems to me like he likes me a bit more than that. However, this has been going on for months and months, which makes me think that maybe this is just how he is, and he doesn't have romantic feelings for me at all. What do you think? I am really confused about this!
Daniel says...
He could simply be biding his time until he sees an opportunity to make a move, but that seems unlikely. The dynamic of your friendship and his outspokenness make "conservatism" seem an unlikely personality trait. Given how outgoing he is, it makes the possibility that he is just joking around with you seem increasingly plausible. When people are overly outgoing, they tend to be oblivious that others aren't the same way. As a result, their actions can be grossly misinterpreted.
Continue having fun and joking around with him, but don't try to make any overt moves. This guy is outgoing enough that if he wants you, he will definitely make a move in that direction. You won't have any question or uncertainty because he will be bold - it's his personality! Until then, just sit back and enjoy the fact that you have a fun reliable friendship.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, making a move
Interest Wanes (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 22 writes...
Hi Daniel,
So I tried your advice from my last post and organised a group get together (a BBQ) and included the guy I wrote about. He did not reply to the original group email a month in advance or the reminder I sent with three weeks to go before the planned get together. I am a little baffled because the last time I was in town HE was the one that suggested another get together. Prior to that he had even said he wanted to visit my city. I am annoyed partly at myself for even slightly listening to any of his "come back" and "don't leave" pleas and I am annoyed at him not even having the courtesy to say no he can't make it.
Why did he totally ignore me? Not that I have emailed him much in the past, but if I have had occasion to then he has replied. He was the first one to say yes he would come last time I arranged a group get-together. I get that he is obviously not interested but why go to that effort and then just ignore me? It only made it harder for me to get him out of my head.
Daniel says...
For starters, kudos to you for taking a chance and trying to get things going. This guy may not have responded the way you would have liked, but you can count two definite positives for having done this. First, you now have a definitive answer as to whether or not this guy is interested in you. You're not caught in a pattern wondering what's going on and whether this guy is going to magically decide he's interested. You gift-wrapped a chance for him to hang out with you and he didn't even bother to respond with a courtesy note saying he wouldn't be able to make it. The second benefit is that you know one way to gauge a guy's interest and just how easy it is. When a situation like this presents itself in the future, you'll easily be able to react appropriately.
I want to emphasize that this guy liked you (or at least thought he did) for a time. That fact is indisputable. He told you he didn't want you to move, he was quick to respond to your emails, and he jumped at the chance to hang out with you. The fact that he sort of petered off at the end is an indication that he either tired of pursuing a relationship with you or discovered he didn't really want to date you after all. What happened after that is typical guy stuff - he was too scared to actually fess up to the fact that he was no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with you and instead decided end things through silence. This is what guys do when they don't want to hurt a girl's feelings. It's much easier for people to hurt others' feelings when they don't actually have to look them in the eye to do it. Rather than getting things over quickly and allowing you to move on, he would rather make things easier on him and prolong your pain.
So for now, just be thankful that you had the wherewithal to "test him" and find out if he does like you. You have your answer and move on to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, when he's not interested
Reattachment (Ask A Guy)
Amy, 21 from Australia writes...
Hi, I wrote to you a little while ago in the submission titled "Detached Is Not Interested." I happen to be going to my home city in August, so I invited the guy I have been writing about to a group dinner. In my original question, I did the more casual "say hi if you come up" reply because, as I said, I was a little unsure where the sudden show of interest had come from. Fair enough, he may have been gauging my interest, but an email makes the sincerity a little hard to gauge as well, especially when he has a reputation of being a player. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and take the talk/emails at face value, but I do not want to be too aggressive and obvious if he is simply doing this to boost his ego and keep his options open should our paths happen to cross.
Anyway, after I sent the dinner invite he was the first one to reply back and when I say this, I mean literally within a minute (the send button had barely been pressed). I have never seen anyone reply so quickly. He would hardly have taken time to read it properly or think about it. Do you still think it is worth contacting him directly or just waiting and seeing how things go at the dinner?
Daniel says...
There is nothing wrong with being a little forward here and keeping the pressure on. You obviously don't want to go over the top with it, but letting him know you're there and (at the very least) that you want to maintain some kind of communication with him will pay dividends down the road. You are definitely right that email (or any electronic medium, for that matter) makes it difficult to gauge interest, but in this case, you are certainly not harmed by being a little flirtatious and hinting that you may be interested in something more. If things don't work out, it's not like you poured your heart out to him or completely put yourself on the line; you merely hinted at the possibility you might be interested.
I suggest you follow up his lightning-fast response with a friendly email discussing your visit. Ask him how he's doing, talk about what you're doing while you're back at home, tell him you're looking forward to the dinner, and give him a little light-hearted ribbing about his amazingly fast response to your invite. Understanding that you are a shy person and probably somewhat averse to being too forward, don't think of any of this as pursuing him. This is merely two friends having a little fun together. At the same time, you will be developing your friendship (and the seeds of a potential relationship). But if the romantic interest simply isn't there, then you won't be out anything. Since you are going to be seeing him when you visit home, that may be the best time to broach the subject of him visiting you again. Don't do it right now, because that might seem a little too interested - you just made plans to see him when you're home so don't try to do too much too fast.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, chasing what you want
Shampooing Your Hair is a Lame Excuse (Ask A Guy)
Just Wondering..., 17 writes...
Hey Daniel,
I think I could use some of your amazing advice just about now...
So I've liked this guy (Matthew) for almost a year, and we talk and flirt pretty often. I told one of my guy friends (who also turns out to be one of Matthew's friends) that I was crazy about him, and my friend told me that Matthew actually liked me as well. So I thought about that for a while, then I became a little unsure, so I texted my friend back just to REALLY make sure this was true, and he responded with an "I don't know...".
Then yesterday, I saw Matthew at school and he walked right past me without saying anything. And I know he saw me. Normally he would playfully push me into a locker, or start up a conversation or at least say hi or smile or...SOMETHING. I saw him a few more times that day and again for the rest of the week and he did the same thing...he just kind of ignored me. Then it was weird because I'd see him in the morning and he'd ignore me, then I'd see him at lunch and we'd talk for a bit and flirt a little more, and then I'd see him after school and he'd be back to ignoring me. So my question is WHY IS HE DOING THIS??!! It seems like weird behaviour. I don't know if it might be because he's confused as to whether he likes me or not or if he realizes that I like him and is trying to get me to back off, or what, but it's weird. Do you know why? Anything would help, because I kind of want him, but I'm really bad at these kinds of situations, and this just makes it a little more confusing.
Thanks a million!
Daniel says...
Given that you told Matthew's best friend how you felt, you should probably be certain Matthew now knows precisely how you feel. It certainly sounds as though knowing you like him has freaked Matthew out in some way. The question is, has it freaked him out because he doesn't like you and therefore doesn't want you to like him or has it freaked him out because he does like you and now doesn't know how to behave around you? Each suggestion is equally plausible and there really isn't enough information in your question to inform an answer. The unpredictability of his behavior toward you certainly seems to indicate he is over-thinking things. Sometimes he is perfectly "normal" toward you and other times he thinks it's better to simple go on about his business and not let things get too close.
The good news is that you can do some things to figure out what his true feelings are. For starters, talk to him! There's absolutely nothing saying that he has to initiate all contact between the two of you and it's possible that he wants you to show some initiative and "prove" your feelings to him. Next time you see him in the halls, approach him and ask him how he's doing. Strike up a conversation - it's clear that the two of you have no problem sustaining a conversation and you know one another fairly well already so just treat it like any other friendly conversation. The fact that one of you likes the other is extra information that really doesn't even need to enter into the equation from your perspective. If you never talk, you're guaranteed never to be able to have a relationship with him.
Come up with some reasons (or excuses, perhaps) for the two of you to hang out away from school grounds. Maybe it's a football game or a school play or even one of the garage bands in your high school playing a show, but whatever the occasion is, don't be afraid to give the two of you opportunities to hang out. If he's interested, he will either say yes immediately or decline apologetically and with a solid, non-flaky excuse. If he simply declines or comes up with a totally lame excuse about shampooing his hair, then you can be certain he isn't interested in dating. Either way you'll at least know how he feels.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, crushes
Vacuuming Your Carpet Is Also A Lame Excuse (Ask A Guy)
Just Wondering..., 17 writes...
Hey Daniel,
So I wrote to you last week... my submission was titled "Shampooing Your Hair Is a Lame Excuse" and I followed you up on some of your suggestions. But now I'm more confused then ever! I was wondering if I could fill you in on some of the recent things, as well as some things that I forgot to post last time. I'm really hoping that you can help me figure out whether or not he likes me.
So first of all, I called Matthew and asked him why he was acting strangely. The conversation went kind of like this: (I started)
Me: Hey
Him: ...Hey
Me: What's up?
Him: ...Not much
Me: Did you do that physics homework yet?
Him: ...I just started it like 10 minutes ago.
Me: Oh...So I was wondering why you were acting weird towards me at school today. Did I do something wrong?
Him: ...No
Me: Ok then. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Bye
Him: ...Bye
And that was it. It lasted a whole 24 seconds, and pretty much every single second was filled with awkwardness. He was really hesitant before he said anything and he gave me mostly one word answers.
So anyway, after that happened, I figured he really wasn't that into me. Except here's the weird thing. The next day, he called ME, "just to talk". He said he'd arrived a soccer practice a little early and he was bored and decided to call me. So we talked on the phone for 10 minutes, about pretty much everything, and it was like it used to be between us - just us joking around and having fun. So now, obviously, I'm quite confused. I wanted to take your advice and ask him to help me with my physics homework after school sometime this week (which sounds pretty boring, I know, but it's what we used to do last year, and I have to admit... doing it with him is a lot more fun!). Hopefully, like you said, he would want to spend time with me and agree to help. But I thought I'd ask you your opinion about the recent goings-on before I jump into that.
So thanks again. You're the best!
Daniel says...
It doesn't sound to me like there is anything whatsoever that should prevent you from asking Matthew if he would like to get together to work on some homework. If the two of you have a history of working on homework together, this should give things a bit of a familiar, comfortable vibe and should enable the two of you to ease back into relating to one another as you used to. In short, the familiarity should cause the two of you to behave similarly to how you have in the past. In addition, it is unlikely that he would say no to something as benign as homework - I would classify it as a low risk, medium reward activity. It isn't going to give you any earth-shattering details about your relationship or what he thinks of you, but it will at last tell you if he's not interested in you.
If he does turn you down without a reasonable excuse, then you can be fairly certain he is uninterested. I'm not certain what his deal was when you called him, but it could simply be that he wasn't interested in talking right then because he was focused on his homework. When I'm deeply focused on something, it can sometimes be tough to extract myself from it enough to have a "normal" conversation. In short, you should be looking for patterns. One brilliant conversation or one awkward one does not establish how he feels about you. But if, over the next few days or weeks, you notice that your relations with him have become consistently less comfortable, then you have something you can pay attention to - something that may be proving a more reliable situation.
Be patient. Guys rarely change their minds overnight, so give yourself some time to develop an accurate impression of how this guy is going to behave toward you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, crushes, reader follow-up
Most People Make A Move When They’re Interested (Ask A Guy)
Kimberly, 17 from United States writes...
I really like my sister's friend. He's four years older than me and I can't tell if he likes me. He just recently got out of a relationship but before that even started we would cuddle and sleep in the same bed. I've taken care of him when he was drunk and he's always making jokes around me. But he's never made a surefire move. Will you please tell me if he thinks of me as a possible girlfriend or as a sister type!
Daniel says...
Given your age, the age of the guy, and the fact that he's your sister's friend, it's a fairly safe bet that he isn't interested in pursuing anything more with you. When a guy is older than a girl, there is often an aura of superiority that develops. Girls like older guys and, for the guy, the fact that he has a girl chasing after him is a bit of an ego boost. This aura of superiority means that if he wanted to make a romantic move on you, he would. His age seemingly puts him over you and makes it easier for him to get away with whatever it is he wants to do.
It sounds like he views you as more of a sister type. He allows you to take care of him when he's drunk, but he's drunk and doesn't make a move on you. If he was ever going to make a move, it would seem that when he is drunk and in close quarters with you would be the perfect time. Instead, it seems like he drinks too much, gets sick, and then leans on you to take care of him.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, making a move
What’s This Guy Thinking? (Ask A Guy)
Charger09, 20 writes...
I got this job through my really good friend. I knew all the guys that already worked there because I would hang out at their work before I started working there. Chad is one of the guys that works there. He is VERY cute and even though he's 2 years younger than me, he's a sweet guy. Well, I'd always mess around with him and tell him he's cute and he would get all flattered and say thanks. We all went to the same party on Halloween and the whole night I was with him helping people and then I was scratching his back and we were flirting. So then when we went upstairs to go to bed. We laid down next to each other and I was scratching his back. Then we kissed the whole night and got about two hours of sleep.
So I thought for sure he liked me at least a little and he didn't just want to hook up. But then the next day he talked to my really good friend and told him what happened. He said at first he wanted to pursue it but now he's "confused" and he doesn't know what he wants to do anymore. So now I am confused. And at work today he was still really flirty with me and he would always look me in the eyes. I feel like he wants to go and pursue it but he's not sure and he's holding back for some reason. What should I do? Keep flirting here and there? Ask him on a date to get ice cream or something little? Or just wait till he figures out what he wants?
Daniel says...
This guy's behavior toward you over the next few weeks will provide crucial information to help determine whether he likes you or if he's just flirting with you because you're fun to flirt with. It certainly sounds like this guy has some lingering doubts about whether he wants to date you or just mess around with you. He is clearly attracted to you; he wouldn't have gone to bed with you and spent the entire night making out with you if he didn't at least find you physically attractive. Keep in mind that all this occurred at a party in which both of your friends were in attendance. Guys want to be proud of the girls in their lives and he wouldn't have gone upstairs with you if he wasn't (at a minimum) attracted to you. If he didn't think you were attractive, he wouldn't have wanted his friends to see that he was with you. Never underestimate the power of peer pressure.
All this begs the question "what should you do now?" Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with flirting with someone. Whether they want to date you or remain just friends, flirting is supposed to be fun and doesn't necessarily have to indicate a deeply-rooted desire to get in someone's pants. So definitely keep flirting with him. Don't go over the top with it - you don't have to flirt every time you talk to the guy. If you expect someone to flirt with you, then it loses some of its luster and becomes a predictable part of your relationship with someone rather than just playful banter that occurs from time to time. Hanging out with him is a great idea, too. From time to time, ask if he wants to do something (like get ice cream, as you suggest). If he doesn't take the clue and plan something on his own, then playfully ask when he's going to ask you to hang out. If he still doesn't take the clue, then you can be fairly certain he isn't planning to ask you out at all and you can begin moving on.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, winning a guy over
Smoking Hot, Just Lacking Any Tact (Ask A Guy)
kelly, 16 writes...
Hey Daniel,
There's this guy I really like in class and I have no idea what to do. I wouldn't say we're great friends but we sit next to each other in every class (pure luck) and he's absolutely hot. The problem is, he has a girlfriend. This is something that I'm not considering a major problem because he's dumped so many girls this year alone because he says they weren't right for him. I think I'm perfect. We have so much fun when we're alone together, but when people see us, it gets awkward.
When he talks to me, he makes me laugh so much and we play footsies in class all the time. But there's only one thing that's stopping me from saying anything to him: he looks at my chest A LOT. Some times I'll catch him glaring at me with his mouth wide open. I try to wave my head to get his attention back to me but he just looks at my face once and goes right back to my chest. He'll put his hands on my waist a lot. He sits really close to me. He caresses my face with his fingers and sighs. He's even touched my butt (supposedly accidentally) a few times. If his hot face didn't make me overlook this sometimes, I'd be scared. Does this all mean that he really likes me, he just likes to add me to his fantasies, or he wants to hook up with me?
Daniel says...
It sounds like this guy doesn't quite know how to handle the fact that his female classmates are developing breasts right around them. Perhaps he thinks if he stares at them long enough he'll see them grow or you'll have some kind of wardrobe malfunction. Under slightly different conditions, I would suggest that this guy was simply trying to be funny, but that's clearly not the case here. The line between creepy and funny is admittedly gray, but this goes so far beyond that line that it would be seemingly impossible for him to think it was okay. Odds are, he simply doesn't realize just how offensive his behavior truly is.
Waving your head to get his attention is certainly a good start, but it apparently isn't strong enough. I suggest you start including something more forceful. Saying something like, "I'm talking with my mouth...it's way up here," will get his attention. "If you stare long enough, they talk back" is another particular favorite of mine. It does sound like this guy likes you, so don't be too cruel to him. But, at the same time, you shouldn't be afraid to keep your distance. He does, after all, have a girlfriend.
One more thing: don't be so quick to draw a line between "liking you" and adding you to his fantasies. In most cases, they are one and the same. Logically, if you like someone, they should be part of your fantasies!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, leering