Friendships
Tough Love (Ask A Guy)
Amanda, 16 from United States writes...
Hey, Daniel. I wrote in a few weeks ago about Mike and Vicki, remember? Well I have some feedback that you may or may not be interested in.
Vicki and Mike both knew I was still a friend to the other, and I assured the both of them that whatever they told me was safely between me and whichever one of them who told me. And when Mike finally opened up a softer side of himself and the situation, everything just clicked together. So I took the opportunity while he was kind of opening up to me and begging me for advice to take the hard-love path. I laid the facts out for him and where he went wrong in his accusations. It took him a while to get it, and I just about verbally beat the living crap out of him because he kept judging how Vicki was dealing with her pain. But he took a weekend and thought what I told him and then called me claiming that he "saw the light!" and he really does love Vicki! And all of this other wonderful stuff...
So they're friends now, probably going to go back out. I just wanted to let you know that your advice worked and thanks for helping me iron out the issue!
Daniel says...
That's great news, Amanda! Sometimes it's absolutely necessary to exhibit some "tough love" in order to drive an issue to resolution. In your case, Mike was blaming Vicki (likely out of equal parts guilt and an inability to adequately self-reflect) for all the problems in their relationship and was wholly unwilling to accept that he may have played a role in the demise of the relationship. And, as you indicated, it was a significant one.
While I can certainly understand the desire to be a friend to both people, you cannot be a completely neutral party in an argument. Look at Switzerland. Western Europe and the United States still blame them for being a "holding tank" for Nazi gold during World War II. If the Nazi government was still around, who knows what they might blame Switzerland for, but almost certainly not being a strong enough ally would be among the issues. In many cases, being "neutral" is taking sides in one way or another. People will always know who your friends are and being too neutral will only drive jealousy and contempt. Fortunately, it sounds like you were able to straighten things out before issues went truly awry.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, mediating arguments
TA - It’s Not PG-13 Anymore (Ask A Guy)
Mitchee, 21 writes...
Hey Daniel,
I'm not particularly good with forming relationships, especially when it comes to guys. I want to be friends with a former TA, though, and just the fact that he's a guy sort of shuts my brain off even though I don't want to date him. This semester I have a class in the same classroom he teaches in. As I'm going in, he's getting ready to leave and we've been saying hello to each other and the usual "how are you" chit-chat. How do I get beyond this without sounding like I'm asking him out on a date or being stalkerish?
He's a pretty bubbly guy. Despite my lack of conversation skills he does manage to make me feel comfortable most of the time. When he was my TA he joined me on the way to our class and their weren't any awkward silences because he just seemed to fill them up. I got the impression he was aware and okay with the fact that I didn't have much to say. I don't know, I'd just like to get to know him better because he's one of the first guys I've felt even slightly comfortable with.
Daniel says...
It sounds like this guy is a really great guy to get to know. It's not often someone has such an easy time filling empty space in conversations and the fact that he is willing to do so with you indicates that he is fairly comfortable around you. Even if this guy is a natural people person, if he didn't really like you, he would avoid hanging out with you any more than absolutely necessary. If he saw you walking, he would hang back or walk extra quickly. And he certainly wouldn't say hello and be chatty when he passes you in the halls.
Sometime when you have a group of friends getting together for a cookout or a party, invite him to swing by. Don't tell him he should "come," and don't make it sound as though you really want him to come over. The concern is that he could sense a hint of desperation in such an invitation - whether it's there or not. But if you invite him to swing by and in your phrasing make it sound as though his presence would only be temporary, then you will open up the chance that he could stop by, feel comfortable, and stick around for a while. Until that opportunity presents itself, though, keep doing what you're doing. Chat with him when you can and if you see him around campus, don't be afraid to catch up with him and ask him how things are going.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, teachers
Friendship Woes and Boyfriends (Big Sister)
Moria, 14 writes...
I have two very best friends. We'll call them Jill and Jack. Jill almost always has a boyfriend and whenever Jack and I hang out with her, he's there too. Whenever Jill is with him, she ignores Jack and I, and even makes out with him right in front of us. One time we were at the movies and Jack and I left because Jill's boyfriend fingered her while we were sitting right next to them! We've tried to talk to her but she never listens. Jill and another friend slept over at my house for my birthday, and we decided to go for a walk. Jill's current boyfriend lives down the street from me and I really can't stand him because he's soooo rude. Jill knows I don't like him, but she invited him to hang out with us. What should I do?Ivette says...
I have a general rule I stick to: don't let significant others stop you from having or keeping in touch with friends. Jill should not be ignoring you guys because that just shows she has a lack of manners and courtesy. I find it very disrespectful from both parties (Jill and her boyfriend) to act intimate in front of you, your other friends and in public. It is not only inappropriate but it also shows that Jill doesn't care about your feelings or your other friends being comfortable. You said you have talked to Jill, but I would recommend you to talk to her again. Not a "hey I don't like your boyfriend," but an assertive talk about the way she behaves around you guys. She might get upset about it, but really you have no other choice than to lay the facts down. If you don't want to hang out with Jill's boyfriend for your birthday then don't. Save yourself from having an awkward night with Jill and him. If Jill is a good friend she will respect your decision and maybe hang out with you, if she decides to ditch you the day of your birthday, then you can see her priorities and decide if she really is a friend you want to emotionally invest on.Tags: sex, advice, relationships, big sister, boyfriend, friendships, bad friends, awkward
Best Friends Right Now - Then What? (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 19 writes...
My best friend is a guy. And I do mean BEST friend. When we first became close, we were both in other relationships. I've had serious feelings for him for pretty much the last year and a half, but I always act like I don't at all (out of habit). He used to text me all the time and we'd spend most days together, sleeping at each other's houses and doing everything together. He and his girlfriend broke up about a month ago, and my relationship ended around six months ago.
So now we're both single and it feels different. Also, in the last couple of months I've lost quite a bit of weight, become a lot more feminine and am having people tell me I'm beautiful in front of him, including his own family! Since these changes, his behaviour has changed. He doesn't contact me anywhere near as much, but when we are hanging out he always tries to prolong it so I don't leave. He doesn't do disgusting things in front of me anymore, he apologises when he swears in front of me, and the other day he asked me sincerely not to text these two people I've been flirting a bit of a with. However, through all of this, he's starting something new with some other girl he just met! When I first expressed how she isn't right for him, he agreed, but continued to talk about her and text her. I pretty much gave up hope and encouraged it, and as soon as I started doing that, he said he doesn't want to text her, doesn't want her as his girlfriend, doesn't really care what happens with them, etc., etc.
I am so confused! I'm going out of my mind. I assumed for a while he wasn't contacting me as much as usual or seeming as happy to hear from me because he was sick of me or something, so I stopped contacting him as much, too. But now I can't help but wonder if it's precisely the opposite: if he's not contacting me as much for fear of seeming too keen or something. He's a very guarded person, just like me, and often plays games, reads too much into things, overanalyzes and hides his true feelings (just like me!). I'm not even quite sure what I'm asking, but ANY advice would be spectacularly appreciated, Daniel. Thank you so much.
Daniel says...
Well, if you want my assessment of the situation, this guy definitely has some kind of feelings for you. His behavior toward you has become somewhat unpredictable - and it has mostly been since he became newly single. When someone becomes single, they subconsciously reassess all their relationships - with members of each sex. And if he didn't realize that he had feelings for you beforehand, he certainly would have very shortly after breaking up with his girlfriend. His behavior toward you has become much more measured, reserved, and calculated. He clearly wants to impress you and is concerned about how you view him - about your reputation of him. What's more, his behavior also suggests he may be jealous of your relationship with some of the other guys in your life. His behavior toward you in this regard also shows a desire to sort of control your behavior. And all the while, he is inexplicably allowed to pursue relationships with other girls at his will.
If you want my advice, this guy needs time to sort through all this feelings and get over his relationship with his (now ex-) girlfriend. If you're a frequent Ask A Guy reader, you know that I am a big proponent of allowing sufficient time to pass after one relationship before jumping right into another one. This situation is absolutely no different. He just got out of a very long relationship and regardless of who was responsible for the break up, his heart is in pieces. As a result, he is in no shape to take on another relationship and give his whole heart to the effort. Keep pursuing your friendship with him and let things develop as they do, but certainly give him more time before you allow him to pursue any kind of romantic option.
If you want my opinion, you should playfully bring up the subject of his double standard toward you. Ask him why he is allowed to pursue relationships with other girls but you aren't allowed to exchange a few text messages with some other guys. Put him on the spot a little (in a fun way) and let things develop that way, too.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, romancing a friend
Not What He Has In Mind, But… (Ask A Guy)
Chelsea, 17 from Ohio writes...
I am getting ready to go to college and have made good friends with a guy I'll be at school with next year. I am not going to dispute ladder theory, because I do believe he's developing feelings for me. However, I've been very up front that I'm in a serious relationship and that I have no such feelings for him.
With this in mind, is it wrong for me to continue to be friends with him? I don't believe I'm stringing him along, but I want a guys' perspective.
Daniel says...
There's nothing wrong with remaining friends with someone who likes you - even if you don't share those feelings. However, you must keep in mind that you are now the only one of the two of you who is capable of seeing the friendship objectively. In this guy's mind, everything the two of you do will be clouded by his feelings for you. Keeping that in mind, it is your job to avoid anything that might be interpreted as a sign that you are interested in him. This is necessary not only in order to keep him from convincing himself that you are in love with him but also so your own boyfriend doesn't get the wrong idea about this friendship.
Along those lines, don't always hang out with him, and don't drop everything whenever he calls or stops by. You need to keep enough distance that he doesn't start to think the two of you are getting cozier than you intend. Once again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with befriending someone who has feelings for you. It should be approached cautiously, but you are perfectly okay to pursue this friendship.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, just friends, male intentions
Moocher (Big Sister)
amberwamber, 15 writes...
My best friend always mooches stuff from me even though I've talked to her about it before. She is still just as bad, maybe worse, she also goes in my bag at school, takes out my food and just eats it all without even asking me if she can have any. Whenever she stays the night all she does is hog the computer and eat all my food. She doesn't even hang out with me, and whenever I mention I'm going somewhere she just invites herself along and expects me to pay for her. What should I do?Ivette says...
She doesn't seem like a fun friend to be around at all. You mentioned you already talked to her about her behavior and things haven't changed much. I would advice you to sit with her again and tell her assertively that she has been disrespecting you and your things. I had once a friend similar to yours and it always seemed like she was only my friend out of convenience. Sometimes she didn't treat me right or would stop talking to me or hanging out with me for a period of time. I eventually got tired of that and I decided to just ignore her, like she did to me. It seemed to work since she was nicer and more eager to talk to me afterwords. I would just suggest to have another serious talk with her, honestly she doesn't sound like a nice friend. She sounds like a person with no manners or respect towards you, so if she keeps up with that sort of behavior then it's time to move on. Hopefully she will realize her negative behavior is pushing people away and maybe change it. It's not fair for to you get your things taken away and get to pay for her when she ignores you like that. That is simply unacceptable. Talk to her and if that doesn't work, you can then decide if she's worth having your friendship.Tags: advice, big sister, friends, friendships, mooches, moocher, bad friend
Friendship Gone Sour (Big Sister)
Stacey, 18 writes...
Hey! So my best friend and I have been close for 4 years. We were inseparable during high school and she graduated a year before me. Even after she graduated we became even closer we hung out almost everyday or at least talked everyday. She got a new job where she had to start working everyday and I started seeing her less, which was fine, I understood. I started dating someone and because she was so busy I started hanging out with my other group of friends. I probably saw my best friend less than 8 times during this summer. I tried calling her and she wouldn't return my calls, or we would be playing phone tag cause I didn't know her schedule. When ever we did talk it was perfectly fine, when we hung out it was like nothing had changed. The last time I saw her was the end of summer (August) and she pretty much just came over to use my computer for an hour. It really bothered me and when we would talk things just got progressively more tense between us. The last time I really talked to her would be around August, it was my 18th birthday a few weeks ago and she didn't even call. I was really hurt even if we weren't talking, I felt like I would have called her if it was hers. Well today is her birthday and I called and left a message saying happy birthday, and she called me back. I was being pleasant since it was her birthday and she wants to hangout later this week. I'm not sure if I should continue this relationship since she didn't even apologize for not calling me on my birthday. I would really appreciate your advice, I'm really not sure If I should confront her or just not talk to her anymore. We've been friends for so long when she didn't call it really hurt my feelings. Thanks a lot, StaceyIvette says...
Hey Stacey, I am really sorry your feelings got hurt. It is understandable for you to expect your friend to call you in your birthday, especially when you two have been friends for such a long time. I have fallen in your position many times, as well. The only thing I have learned is that, you can't expect much from people sometimes. I would always get upset because sometimes my friends fell short of my expectations. I would think that if I was capable of doing things for them how come they couldn't do the same for me, for example returning favors. The thing I learned is that those people are not you. They're totally and completely different beings and they won't behave as we expect them or they should. I often find myself being displeased with my friends about the way they act and how their decisions, but it's their life. I think we often forget that the world does not revolve around us so when the people that are in our world fail at doing something for us, we may feel betrayed and hurt. Maybe something happened the day of your birthday and she wasn't able to call, or maybe she simply lost track of time and forgot, or didn't have time. It happens, we are humans after all. It's normal also for your friends to distant off from time to time, life can be overwhelming especially after high school and you're out in the real world where time seems to go by faster each day. If you want to you can talk to your friend. Tell her that you feel you two have distanced off and it really sucks. Maybe then she will be able to tell you her perspective and the way she sees things. We're not mind readers and we can't always know what people are thinking about us or mutual situations. That's why it's important to talk to your friends, family, and partners about the way you feel so you know where they're standing too. I think this will be able to help release the tension between you two if you just talk about your feelings. I am sure this will make you both feel much better. Don't let a phone call ruin a stable friendship you had with her. Meet up and speak to her about your feelings and what you think about your friendship with her. Hopefully this will give you an insight about her feelings as well and you will be able to compromise. Good luck!Tags: advice, big sister, friends, relationship, friendships, distanced
He May Never Have Been Interested (Ask A Guy)
Steph, 17 from Canada writes...
Today my guy friend told me that he has completely lost interest in me (as a friend) and that he can't talk to me about normal things and just doesn't care anymore. And then he added "not that I ever really did in the beginning." I've been completely in love with him for over a year now, and he has been a good friend to me, although lately our friendship has been really rocky and all we've done is fight and talk about my problems, which he exaggerates leading him to think I'm screwed up, which I am not. I know the logical thing would be to just drop him and move on, but I can't because I just care about him so much. And even though he's been a real butt hole lately, it's not usually like this. I've tried explaining to him that he really exaggerates my "abnormality" and that he needs to get over it but he's not listening. I don't know what his problem is all of a sudden and I don't know what to do that doesn't involve completely writing him off.
Daniel says...
Friends do drift apart over time. I had several friendships in high school that I swore I would always have and, much to my own disappointment (at the time), those relationships dwindled until they were more or less non-existent. It sounds like this is the situation you are facing right now. If you have your heart set on rekindling this friendship, then the best thing to do is to spare this guy many of your "problems". Guys love helping people with their toils, but when the only thing they talk about with a person is that person's problems it starts to wear on them. Eventually any guy will grow tired of that.
Put yourself in his shoes. What would you like to do with him? Odds are, there is something that interests him - something that the two of you could do together. Your job is to figure out what that is and plan some fun things for the two of you to do together. Keep in mind, though, that it sounds like he is not, and will not become interested in dating you. If you're looking to pursue a friendship, then keep it platonic. But if you're looking for a relationship, then you need to take some time apart from him to get over your romantic feelings. If you don't, then your feelings will only be prolonged and make things between you increasingly awkward. Do something fun with your friend and leave the drama at home.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, drifting apart
People Can Share Friends (Ask A Guy)
Kylie, 19 from Nebraska writes...
Hey Daniel,
Some months ago I was in a sport club from college in which I became relatively close to one of the members (the coach, actually). He had/has a girlfriend that was in the same club. After several months of talking, things ultimately led to flirtations and to him kissing me one night in which we spent the night together (we were not sexually intimate and we just held each other the entire night). Sometime after I asked what kind of relationship we had, he made it clear that, though he enjoyed my company and being with me, we should remain only good friends and that a more intimate relationship would be unfair to either of us. I agreed and offered to leave the club but he said there was no need. About six months of trying to be strictly friends resulted in something that hardly resembled a friendship and involved more avoidance and awkwardness. I found that I still had strong feelings toward him. I never held anything against his girlfriend and felt guilty about my feelings and the situation itself, so recently I decided to quit the club. Essentially, I told him over e-mail that I couldn't have platonic sentiments toward him and it was unfair of me to ask for more so I decided it was best I should leave the club for this coming autumn.
I've gotten no response since I sent it, about three weeks ago, though I never truly expected one. I know he's read it because other members of the club have asked why I quit. I still hope to be friends with many people in the club, but that means I may encounter him. I'm wondering whether I should avoid him and only hang out with the team when he isn't around or whether I should act as if nothing has happened? I also would like your thoughts on what he was thinking when we were becoming close. I have never been in much of a relationship and, though I did allow the relationship to escalate, I did not provoke it initially. Thank you!
Daniel says...
There is no reason whatsoever that you should stop hanging out with people or limit your contact with them purely because of who is there. Doing so cheats you and the others involved of a friendship and is not fair to anyone involved. So you and this guy had the potential to maybe, possibly get something going. And it didn't work out. What you do next is move on and don't let things bother you. You and this guy both have friends and some of them happen to be the same friends. Friendships require maintenance and effort and unless you're content to simply let these friendships slide into oblivion, then you need to fight to keep them. If you restrict the times you hang out with these folks to the times in which this guy is not around, then you will be putting all the power in his hands with regard to how frequently you see them.
By saying you won't do something unless someone else doesn't, you are also confirming the opposite: "if this person does do something, then I won't." Without getting overly philosophical, a guy could simply manipulate your friendship with these people by always being around and cutting you off from them. Like I said, the other option is to simply be a little more mature about all this and agree that the two of you can get along when you're hanging out in the same crowd. Sure, it may be a little weird at first, but after a while, things will simply click and the two of you will be fine.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, friendships, conflict resolution
Suddenly Stopped Talking (Ask A Guy)
Hal, 19 from United States writes...
My sophomore year of high school I became instant friends with this boy. However, after a year it ended as quickly as it began. I guess I never realized how much he liked me until it was too late. I was the only girl he looked for in the hall and the only girl he talked to. Apparently I was oblivious to all of this. He told everyone I was his girlfriend, but I never knew this. One day, someone asked if we were going out and I said, "no," because we had never discussed it. One day we were best friends then the next day we never talked again.
I think I really hurt him and it definitely killed me inside because I liked him so much and he never knew. He avoided me for two years. When we were in class together and I would sit near him, he would move to the opposite side of the room. I always joked about it saying to my mom and to myself, "oh, we will be best friends again...mark my words." But it hurt so much. I never really told anyone how much it hurt me, no one ever knew the real story, and sometimes I don't even think I did or do.
Well, three years later, out of nowhere, we are talking again. I am glad we can finally be friends again, but sometimes I feel like it's too soon and I don't think I could ever be friends with him again. I cared so much about him and our friendship ended overnight. I was never able to say goodbye, and I was never able to fix things. He never thought I cared. I don't know how to approach our friendship now. We have communicated online and talked about going out to lunch or something, but I am not going to believe that until it happens. I am still puzzled as to why he stopped talking to me for three years and bluntly avoided me and now we can talk. I don't know if I can be friends again because he hurt me so badly and I think I might have hurt him. I still can't see him as anything other than "more than a friend." Do you have any idea why he stopped talking to me or why he started talking to me again? I don't know what I should do about it. Is there any chance you think he could care again? Do you think I really hurt him the first time?
Daniel says...
Yes, you hurt him the first time around - that's why he stopped talking to you. But it isn't solely your fault. Neither of you was willing to take a chance and discuss how you felt or even try to push your relationship to a more intimate level. Don't get too up in a tizzy, though. Three years is a long time and at this point, you should be able to just forgive and forget...just don't let yourself fall into the same trap.
What could this guy be looking for this time around? I honestly don't know. It could be that he's lonely and is reaching out to you out of a desire for what you shared three years ago. Or it could be that he hasn't forgotten his feelings for you and wants to try once more to win you over.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, friendships, rebuilding a bond, sudden endings