Flirting
He Likes Me, But Now We’re Far Apart (Ask A Guy)
hallie, 19 from Illinois writes...
With two weeks left in the school year, my guy friend and I got really close. We hung out a lot and my roommate always said stuff like "he is totally flirting with you." My roommate also said, "it makes me sick how much he flirts with you" - something only a roommate could say. I definitely spent my last two weeks almost always with him. I don't know if it was because he feels he can trust me. He always talked to me when he was going through stupid girl stuff. But we were friends through these two relationships that didn't work out for him, and after the second one didn't work out he started hanging out with me even more. I don't if I am his rebound girl or if he is really interested in me. I know he cares about me. He is always talking about how he worries about me not getting enough sleep. He has always treated me better than the girls he was interested in, and he has always been so much nicer to me. I'm not sure if he is aware of this or not. The catch is, he just graduated and I am only a sophomore (in college.) We are planning on meeting up three or four times this summer. I am going to visit him and our friends at college this month, visit him at his house five hours away and he is going to come visit me once. We are also planning on going to one of our friends' wedding together. At least I am assuming we are because he told me I might as well just stay at his place so I didn't have to drive four hours home after the wedding. I am afraid to ask him if it is anything more and I don't want to pursue anyone back home if I know there is a chance with this college guy. I don't get to see him for another month and I don't want him to give up on me. I also don't want him to think I am one of those crazy-stalker girls. I want him to know I care but I want it to be subtle. Last time I talked to him I said, "come visit me," and he responded, "I plan on it." The first few days after I left college he would text me to see how I was doing. Now we send messages periodically over Facebook. How should I handle this? I get so confused because he used to always say "you're like a little sister to me." He doesn't say that anymore, though. One of our best friends always says "Drew, she looks so in love with you" whenever I take a picture with Drew. One day another friend started this thing saying he was my boyfriend and Drew was my husband. With five days left of school Drew found out he wouldn't be able to coach at college like he had originally planned, so for a day he really pushed himself away and was depressed. I don't know how to decipher all of this. Please help!?Daniel says...
First off, don't worry about the issue with him not being able to coach. He had a fairly significant let-down and it affected his mood for a while. This is not only to be expected, if it didn't happen, I would wonder whether or not he was a robot that lacked the ability to feel real human emotion. Quite simply, Drew likes you. He has basically told you as much. The plans the two of you have made to see one another over the break are a great indication that the feelings you are experiencing are mutual. Too often girls get excited over the way the guy treats or talks to them without considering larger picture actions. The fact that he is planning to get together with you, drive to see you, host you at his place, and go with him to a wedding indicates that he is certainly interested in maintaining contact with you. This is especially encouraging when you consider that he wouldn't have to see you again if he didn't want to - he did just graduate, after all. As for how to at least maintain the status quo, you need to develop some kind of communication schedule. It certainly does not need to be an official, in-writing plan but it should be something in your mind that dictates how often you will be in touch with him. Maybe every night at 8:00 you'll schedule a phone call or you will decide to send him an email once a day or so. The amount and type of communication is entirely up to you and should be based on how much the two of you communicated while school was in session. If the two of you talked for hours and never had a shortage of topics, then a daily phone call is certainly worthwhile. But if the two of you only spoke every other day, then altering that and talking every day when you are many miles apart doesn't make much sense. Figure out a (realistic) schedule that allows the two of you time to talk and see if he would be willing to participate in a more regular communication regimen. If you explained that being a little predictable would help the two of you to know when you're available to hang out with other friends (or even your family) the long-distance aspect to your relationship will go much more smoothly.Tags: ask a guy, flirting, new relationships, moods
Is It Mutual? (Ask A Guy)
alima, 18 from Australia writes...
Hi! I'm very confused! I like this guy I work with and it's hard to tell if he likes me back. I'm trying to watch for body language. He likes to mock and mimic me and when I get annoyed at him for doing so, I stop talking to him and then he tries his hardest to apologise and make it up to me. He stands very close to me when we talk, he calls me into the staff room and then when I get there he forgets why he called me in and asks me if I want to help him with whatever it is he's doing. Does he like me? I'm really starting to like him...I need to know if he likes me back! HELP!!!Daniel says...
He likes you. Take it to the bank. Keep flirting with him and you should see it become more and more obvious.Tags: ask a guy, flirting, work relationships, body language
Too Approachable (Ask A Guy)
Emma, 15 from Texas writes...
My best friend constantly tells me about how guys really like me, and my flirting style is really cute and works because guys "like me." But my question is, if guys like me then why don't they do anything about it? I mean I'm really approachable, but in my entire life I have only had one boyfriend. Do you think guys just see me as a fun girl to hang out and flirt with?
Daniel says...
This may sound a little strange, but you may be too approachable. If guys see you as fun and easy to flirt with, they may be able to flirt with you but be intimidated by the thought of actually asking you out on a date. If you are capable of flirting with or being friendly to everybody, then many guys may think you aren't being genuine or they may find it too difficult to read your true intentions and figure out whether they actually have a chance should they pursue you.
What this means is that you need a guy with a lot of self-confidence. The ideal guy for you needs to be capable of approaching you and not be distracted by your outgoing nature. This does come with its own set of challenges. Teenage guys often have issues with self-confidence and approaching girls takes a lot of it. In addition, guys who have self-confidence can also be (or come across as) very cocky. It's really just trading one set of personality traits for another - it doesn't necessarily make a certain type of guy better or worse than another. Have patience! The right guy is out there!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting
Pushing [You] Away (Ask A Guy)
TSP, 17 from Florida writes...
Hi, Daniel. I've been reading your column for ages now and you give some really helpful advice, so I'm hoping you'll help me with this sort-of-riddle a guy has given me.
He says the best way to drive him crazy (in the good way) is to push him away. The catches are: he doesn't get jealous and if I simply avoid him, he'll just avoid me, too.
I am sure there is some loophole I'm missing because I always seem to over-complicate these things - is there anything you can tell me? It will be much appreciated! Thanks.
Daniel says...
If you're familiar with fishing at all, it will help your approach to this situation. When you are reeling in the big catch, fishing is a give-and-take endeavor. When you have a large fish on your line, the catch can be a long, exhausting effort. But it largely breaks down into two very simply steps. First, you pull on the line and bring the fish closer to you. Then, you let your rod fall away from you, moving closer to the fish and giving you a few moments in which there is extra slack on the line. During those moments, you reel in the line. Then you repeat the exercise. Sometimes this will only allow you to reel in a few inches at a time before the fish manages to re-tighten the line. But it still allow you to make slow, steady progress.
What you want to do is behave in such a way that he is drawn in by your politeness and flirtatiousness. Then, when he gets close to you, be a little standoffish or indifferent to his behavior. As you say, if you ignore him, he will ignore you and he won't get jealous if you talk to another guy. So the key is to be friendly to him, draw him in with that politeness, and then push him away by being somewhat indifferent. As he indicates, this will drive him wild and bring him even closer to you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, winning guys over, hiding feelings
Mr. Popular (Ask A Guy)
lanasgirl19, 15 writes...
I really, really like this guy at my school. I've liked him since last year, but I'm not sure if he likes me. He seems to treat me differently than all the other girls he talks to. He does little things to me like poking me in the stomach, tickling me, and letting me tickle him (that was only once). He hugged me once, and one time he said I was cute. I thought he was kidding because he's sooo cute and popular, and I'm not pretty at all or popular. When I messaged him on Facebook, he didn't even reply. And whenever he sees me, he goes, "shut up." Even if I'm not talking. But he says it with a smile. And he told me that he only does it because I'm too nice and that I won't do anything. Does he like me or is he just being a player?
Daniel says...
Teenage girls are notorious for having a poor self-image and being unable to realize their true beauty or attractiveness. So when you say you are "not at all pretty or popular," it's tough to know if that is the truth. Regardless of your relative attractiveness, though, it sounds like this guy is being like a normal popular teenage guy.
There are two types of "popular" teenage guys. The first is the type that knows every bit of how cool they are. They are cocky, arrogant, they can get every girl they want, and they know it. Whether or not they are actually attractive, they think they are the hottest thing on the planet. The second is the type that is genuinely nice and, though they may be attractive and able to get any girl they want, they don't exploit that ability. Rather, they are just nice to people who are nice to them and avoid people who aren't. This guy sounds like the second type. He's flirty and fun but he doesn't really appear to be pursuing you. All "popular" guys are confident and able to pursue girls when they want them. If he wanted to pursue you, then you would know it.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, the popular guy
Perhaps “Himself” Is Interested (Ask A Guy)
Anna, 15 from California writes...
Hey Daniel! Simple question, the guy I like is kind of a flirt. How do I know when he's just "being himself" or when he's legitimately interested in me?
Daniel says...
The first question is, does he ever initiate the flirting himself or do you always initiate the flirting and then leave it up to him to respond? If he initiates the flirting, then the possibility exists that he likes you. Even flirty guys are going to hesitate a little when they actually like a girl - they don't want to offend her or drive her away by seeming overbearing.
Also, if a guy seems to take every available opportunity to flirt with you or frequently resurrect old flirty jokes the two of you have shared, that is also a reliable indicator. When a guy likes a girl he is at least subconsciously on the lookout for opportunities to have fun with a girl and remind her of the good times they have shared. When a guy is naturally flirty it can certainly be tough to tell sometimes, but if you look carefully at his behavior you should be able to come to a fairly reliable conclusion.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, players
When It Comes To Progress, “Any Time” Is Good (Ask A Guy)
Kim, 20 from New York writes...
I'm having trouble deciding if one of my guy friends has feelings for me. He is my closest guy friend. We go to the same college but come from different states. Since school has been out we've talked everyday either by texting or instant messaging. He says sweet things about missing me and wanting to visit and once, when he was drunk, he said, "I like you a lot, Kim," and then quickly added that he meant friends. He just says all this really sweet stuff. I'd be fine with waiting until school starts again to figure this out but I'm studying abroad and won't be back until December. I've liked him for a few months and I'm not sure if I should talk to him or wait until I'm back in the U.S., or if its even worth it talking to him about it. Thanks!
Daniel says...
Obviously, progress made while in close proximity is a good thing, but you should consider your current situation a long-distance relationship. The fact that you are in separate states now and won't be back in close proximity until the start of spring semester (in January) means you will have to think about pursuing things from within your current bounds. If you don't pursue anything until January (six months or more), you will obviously run the risk of him deciding to pursue something with someone else.
My advice is to step up the pressure a bit. Flirt a little more and perhaps see if the two of you can visit one another before you leave for your study abroad experience. It sounds as though this guy likes you and is just scared to admit it. His fear could be due to your distance and the amount of time the two of you will be apart or it could be a number of other reasons. But if you keep yourself on his mind and show him that you are a desirable partner, eventually your flirting will develop to a point where a more in-depth conversation about your future would seem logical. You'll know when that time is right.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, feelings for friends
It May Be Cliche, But It Certainly Works (Ask A Guy)
ashlee, 15 writes...
Do guys still do the cliche "making fun of you because they like you" thing? There's this guy that everyone says likes me and I don't believe them because he insults me and stuff and it's really annoying. But everyone just kept saying it was just because he liked me.
Daniel says...
Some things just don't change through time and the fact that guys display their affection for a girl by making fun of her is certainly one of them. To a certain extent, the same can be true of girls, though. Think of the last time you really flirted with a guy. I'm guessing it involved you having some fun at his expense. It's natural. When we like someone, we get a little nervous, we want them to like us, and part of that facade is giving them the impression that we are loose and easygoing. In order to accomplish this, we commonly run to making fun of someone because it gives an aloof impression that can seem as though we aren't really that nervous at all.
Yes, it's difficult to understand and more than a little counter-intuitive. But if you think about it carefully, it really makes a lot of sense. Until people stop being nervous around members of the opposite sex that they like, people will always tend to be a little mean when they like someone. (Translation: don't count on this changing very soon.) People will always naturally seek to make themselves more comfortable (or at least seek to make themselves appear comfortable). And for whatever reason "making fun of others" has become associated with comfort.
The key to your situation is whether or not this guy is really mean with his insults or just lightly teasing you. If he is truly mean and cutting, then it may be that he doesn't like you. Assess what he is saying and try to decide whether you are being overly sensitive or he is really being insulting. If it is merely annoying and not outright hurtful, then he is probably trying to flirt with you. Don't be afraid to throw something right back at him.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, when guys like you, cliches
“Putting Out” vs. “Putting Yourself Out There” (Ask A Guy)
Krystal, 26 from Georgia writes...
I want to know why every guy that I have dealt with in the past year has disappeared on me out of no where.
Guy #1
I met this guy last September who said shortly after meeting that "we have a real connection. It feels like we've known each other forever." I agreed, and so did my friends and his friends. At first it seemed like he wanted to spend all his time with me. Then he became distant. While we have been talking off and on since last September, even when times have been rough we have communicated. For example, when he got laid off of his job, he called me, even though we weren't really dealing with each other at the time. Also, I am the only person who got him a birthday present for his birthday in March. Now, he doesn't respond to my texts, calls, nothing.
Guy #2
I met him last October. He lives in another state, but is in Atlanta often for work. We used to talk every single day until the Christmas holiday. He even wanted to call me his "girlfriend." Then our communication became more sporadic. He came to Atlanta during the Easter holiday this year to visit his family that lives here. He stopped by to see me twice in one day! We have only ever kissed and that's all he wanted when he stopped by both times. I called him the next day - no response. and I haven't talked to him since he came to see me.
Guy #3
I was talking to this guy for a few weeks. We both had corporate, office-type jobs so we would email each other practically all day everyday. One day I suggested we meet up so I could "get a kiss", which I thought was cute. He was game. In the car, we were talking and he brought up "dating," implying that he and I are dating. I questioned him on it (just to make sure I knew where his head was at). After that conversation, he doesn't respond to my emails, texts, nothing. I saw him at a party and he was trying to start up a conversation but I was a little taken aback, as he had been consistently ignoring my emails. I didn't stay at the party long enough to have a conversation with him, so I emailed him on Monday to say it was good to see him. He says "you acted like you didn't even know me at the party" and "what do you want this to be, something platonic or otherwise?" I suggested that we meet up for lunch to talk in person. He says "we will see" and something along the lines of "if someone has wronged me, I want them to suffer as much as I have"...WTF?! How did I wrong him? A couple days later I send him an email asking what he's doing for the fourth of July, and he says that he has a date. I'm not a hater, so I say "oh that sounds nice, have fun." I email him the next week to ask how his holiday weekend went and guess what...no response. I guess he's back to ignoring me.
Guy #4
This guy and I have mutual friends and we are a part of some of the same professional and community organizations. We run into each other at some events/parties and generally say hi/bye and/or have a conversation. We hung out one night recently and kissed and did some heavy petting. The night was very passionate, with him kissing my feet, legs, hands, even holding my hand while he drove me home. I haven't talked to him since and this was three days ago.
Confused isn't even the word for where I'm at right now. How can these guys all act like they are so into me, and then pretend as if I never existed? They have all said "you are so beautiful" and "any guy would want to be with you." And I'm thinking to myself "really?? Then how could you disappear on me??" I mean, not one of them even sends me a "hey how are you doing today" text, which would only take two seconds from their day to send!!! It's like they would each rather completely remove me from their lives. I haven't slept with any of the guys, so I know that "putting out too soon" is not the problem. And I know that not sleeping with them wouldn't make them want to remove me from their lives completely, because I have plenty of girlfriends who maintain friendly relationships more long periods of time with guys who want more from them than they want to give. I take care of myself, have a good job, dress nicely, get my nails done, etc. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know there are a lot of missing details for each guy, but if you could try and analyze as best as you could I would so appreciate it. This is starting to get really frustrating and painful. Please help!!!
Daniel says...
You are definitely doing the right thing as far as "not putting out too soon" is concerned. But the problem here appears to be that you may be putting yourself out too soon. Consistent across all these scenarios you describe above is your own reaction and behavior. Generally speaking, the way you have handled these situations has been substantially similar and, in a word, aggressive.
In one situation, you talk about being so available to a guy that you hung out every day. In another, you talk about exchanging emails "practically all day everyday." You even imply that you were always available for a guy who came to town often for work. Guys are hunters. They need to spot their target, learn about them, develop a plan to win them over, and then enact that plan. While all these steps may not be as discrete as I imply, this is generally the process that goes on at least at a subconscious level. In your case, you're doing the relationship equivalent of renting a billboard and advertising your interest to anyone with 20/200 eyesight or better.
Be a little more coy. Flirt. Have fun. And don't be available all the time when a guy starts to pursue you. Hold yourself back and keep yourself from becoming too interested too quickly. This will make guys who are interested pursue you even more fervently and guys who aren't as interested (and less willing to actually put forth effort) back off more quickly. In effect, you'll be doing a better job of pre-screening guys before your heart has to make a decision.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, dating, developing feelings
Hmm, Needs More Time (Ask A Guy)
mocha(:, 16 writes...
I just started talking to this boy about a week ago, but we have known of each other for a while now. Anyway, we talk on the phone every other day and see each other in school. I like him but not 100 percent because I think he might be too nice and he seems shy. Should I wait since we just started talking, or is this how it's just going to be? I'm confused!
Daniel says...
Okay, jump off the hormone train for a second! You just met a new guy and the two of you are probably having a lot of fun getting to know one another. New relationships can be a thrill a minute and it's fairly common for a guy and girl to feel like they can't possibly wait to move the relationship along. In short, people are always looking to take the "next step" in relationships. The problem with all this is that it is easy to get so caught up in the moment that people often don't think through their actions and decide what is truly best for them. Instead, people simply go for what feels good.
Not thinking through this situation adequately could lead to a rushed judgment that doesn't consider all the necessary factors in whether or not you should date someone. Let's be honest about this situation. You don't know this guy all that well. You may have "known of" this guy, but you've only been speaking to one another for a week. While you may be speaking almost daily, you cannot possibly know the guy well enough (yet!) to accurately judge his actions and be able to tell if he is truly interested in you.
So take your time and get to know him better. Create opportunities for the two of you to hang out with one another and get to know one another better. If you do so, eventually a relationship will just "happen" fairly naturally and without you having to wring your hands and wonder whether he is interested. Invite him to a party with some friends or see if he wants to come over to watch a movie. Hang out together outside of school and get to know one another without the pretense that commonly occurs in school. Eventually, the issue of whether you really have feelings for him (and whether he has feelings for you) will resolve itself.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, developing feelings