First Impressions
What Does He Think Of Me? (Ask A Guy)
Jane, 21 from United States writes...
I met a guy I really liked at a club last Thursday. I feel like we could really hit it off. I gave him my number and he called and asked if I wanted to meet up. I was busy that night so he said he would call later in the week and we could figure out some time that he could take me out. Yay, right? Well, the Thursday that I met him I did something totally out of character for me. He said he would maybe meet me out on the dance floor but before he found me another guy came up to me and we started dancing. Before I knew it we were over on the couches making out when who walks by? That's right, the first guy. I guess my dilemma is this...I like this guy and want to go on this date and see where things go but will he think I am going to give it up because he saw me making out with the other guy and will assume that is the kind of girl I am? That is not the kind of girl I am and I am afraid he thinks so and that is the only reason he is interested. Let's face it, we all know what body part boys think with.Daniel says...
PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!! As I'm sure you've heard before, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And while, this guy's immediate first impression was formed before he saw you making out with this guy, the whole first night you met will congeal in his mind to form his lasting "first" impression. Unfortunately, the fact that you gave him your number and then started making out with some other guy will be a part of that impression. In his mind, this means you either have a boyfriend and are willing to run around on him or you "scatter many seeds" and see which ones take root. In either case, you can mitigate this issue by simply moving slowly (or at whatever your normal pace may be). If he is interested in sex or something other than a relationship, then he will grow tired. While this may be somewhat upsetting to you, keep in mind that you have no control over what his desires or intentions are. The only thing you can do is enter a relationship with the best intentions and hope the guy on the other side is doing the same.Tags: ask a guy, first impressions, moving slowly, expectations
A Jerk In The Beginning Is A Jerk For All Time (Ask A Guy)
Confused Connie, 22 writes...
Hi Daniel,
So a little under two years ago, I met a close friend, who I'll call Bismarck, of my best friend's boyfriend while at school. Basically, we had to work on a project together. A lot of things went wrong, it was very stressful, and he came across as a real jerk. Through other mutual friends (I'm really not sure how I hadn't met him before) we ended up interacting a lot more and I pretty much ignored the fact that our first meeting ever happened. Although I was attracted to him, I was hesitant (though not completely opposed) to pursue anything because I am black and he is not. Then I found out from one of my female friends that Bismarck told my friend's boyfriend that he was interested but she wasn't supposed to tell me. I talked to my best friend's boyfriend, who is also a friend, about the situation and although he was at first enthusiastic, he later came back and was like "actually as much as I would like for you to date because I like you both, I could see how a relationship between the two of you would be really bad."
I texted Bismarck twice over the next couple of months to see if anything was there and although he responded I didn't particularly feel that he was interested in me. So I dropped it. Then we ended up having to work on something else together and in the course of that, he went back to being the jerk I first met. I spoke to Bismarck about it and everything was resolved peacefully. Anyway, the summer passed, we came back to school, and I saw him around and he asked me if I wanted to 'grab a meal or something' but never followed up with me. Then I began hanging out with his best friend, which was purely platonic. However, for someone unknown reason Bismarck chatted me on Facebook asking if I wanted to go on a date with his friend to which I told him that I didn't think his friend felt that way about me. I didn't mention this to his friend because I knew him enough that it would make him really upset and embarrassed. I did tell my best friend's boyfriend and he was really angry at Bismarck but I made him promise not to say anything.
I pretty much stopped hanging out with Bismarck's best friend because I felt uncomfortable until a month later. I told him I felt uncomfortable initiating spending time with him because I thought he thought that I thought he liked me (phew!). He told me he had just started dating this girl (which I'm sure Bismarck would have been aware of) but that his interest in me was not initially purely platonic. The only time he had discussed this with Bismarck was when they had both agreed that I was cute and single. The whole interaction with Bismarck's best friend made me feel very sad because I essentially was made aware of a rejection by someone I wasn't interested in! So I approached Bismark and told him I would like to talk about the situation. However, before that took place, one of my female friends who dated him briefly years ago told me that it wasn't worth talking to him about because he is crazy and has a lot of baggage (something which pretty much everyone who knows him agrees with). So I contacted him and let him know I didn't think talking about what happened would be useful. In response, he called me and I just said that I thought he had acted insensitively. Although he apologized, I decided that I had enough and pretty much avoided him for the rest of the year. Whenever I saw him, he would always make a point to compliment me on my appearance but we never had any conversations longer than fifteen minutes since then.
Daniel says...
First lesson to be learned: when nearly everyone who knows someone states that the person is "crazy" and/or has "a lot of baggage," they may be on to something. People's interests and viewpoints are as varied and unpredictable as their favorite flavor of ice cream. Logically, this causes their opinions about people to vary nearly as much. What may be "crazy" to one person could be "endearing" or "quirky" to someone else. Likewise, where one person may think someone carries "a lot of baggage," someone else may think something entirely different. In your case, though, many people shared the same negative opinion of this guy. When encountering such united opposition to something in the future, LISTEN!!!
In politics, there are certain issues that are "hot potatoes." These issues are very sensitive and likely to result in significant public backlash. In short, the sentiment against them is united throughout most (if not all) political parties and outlooks. When that happens on an issue, it's best to listen to the prevailing opinion. The same goes when dealing with other people.
This situation also raises another issue. When you meet someone, the first impression they give you is probably the most accurate representation of their personality. The first time you meet someone, they don't have any reason to want to impress you other than simply being pleasant. They also probably don't know you well enough to know whether or not they are interested in pursuing a relationship with you. In short, they're treating you a lot like they would treat any average Joe on the street.
There's a saying that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waitstaff at a restaurant. I would like to modify that statement slightly: you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waitstaff and strangers. Everyone has an incentive to be nice to their friends. If you're nice to your friends you'll have chances to hang out with them in the future and they might even be there to help you out in a pinch. Not everyone has an incentive to be nice to strangers. There are 300 million people in the United States and six billion people on the planet. When you pass a stranger on the street or at the mall, there is a very good chance you will never see them again. Consequently, treating them rudely likely has little consequence other than the possibility of making you feel badly for mistreating a fellow human being. It's the value of that inner conscience that is revealed through how someone treats a stranger.
In your case, when you first met this guy and had your initial project with him, he had no reason to be mean to you. In fact, he actually had an incentive to be nice to you since you were partners on a class project. The fact that he was mean to you indicates the type of person he truly is. When he finally came around and treated you nicely it was obviously because he had something he wanted in exchange for his nicer treatment. In the future, avoid the temptation to be drawn into this guy's web. He may seem like a nice guy, but when he treats you like crap first, that seriously calls into question just how "nice" he truly is.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, first impressions, majority opinion