End Of Year Stress
End of School Stress (Ask A Guy)
Sophie, 18 from United States writes...
Dear Daniel,
Both my boyfriend and I have been really stressed out lately because it's nearing the end of our last year in high school and we're stressing about college admissions and stuff. But he's been kind of distant lately, so I asked him what's up. He told me that he's only been getting a few hours of sleep each night and is so swamped with work and his schoolwork and problems at home with his parents that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. I really want to be supportive and do everything I can for him because he has been having a tough time lately, but I don't know what I can do! Being a guy...what would your advice be? Should I give him some space or try to help him? I'm not quite sure what I can do for him. *frowns* Help!
Daniel says...
The time period from early spring of your senior year in high school until you start college is simultaneously one of the most stressful and carefree periods in your life. The first thing you need to do is enjoy it, but it's understandable that your boyfriend would be feeling the kind of pressure he is. Think of the change that is happening as you sit there. You're getting ready to leave behind everything you've ever known - your friends, your family, your school, and likely many of the activities you enjoy. At the same time, your family (and your boyfriend's family, if you're coming at this from his point of view) are getting ready to say goodbye to their child. If your boyfriend is either the oldest child or the youngest, this emotion will be compounded even further.
So the first step is to understand what's going on. Once you truly grasp the emotional stressors that are happening, you will be better able to help your boyfriend out. As for whether or not you should step in and try to help your boyfriend or stand back and let him handle it on his own, that depends largely on what your boyfriend's personality is. Some guys internalize their problems, process on them, and either come to terms with them or figure out what they can do to fix it. If this is your boyfriend's typical M.O., then stepping in to help probably will not provide any substantive help. In this case, the best thing you can do is just be there for him. Talk to him cheerfully (don't be annoying about it, but you get the idea) and just be a good girlfriend. Buy him a little surprise present (doesn't have to be huge - if there's a Blockbuster near you, they have hundreds of unopened movies on clearance right now...that type of thing). Maybe invite him over for dinner and make him a meal or, better yet, pack up a picnic and have a meal in the park. If your boyfriend internalizes, then the best thing to do is give him brief moments in which he doesn't have to focus on his problems.
Explain that you understand he is stressed out and you aren't trying to trivialize or dismiss his problems...you are just trying to give him little things to cheer him up. If your boyfriend wears his emotions on his sleeve and seeks advice when he struggles with a problem, then this means he is more of an external person. In this case, talk to him about his problems. Ask him questions based on what you know and see if you can get him to open up a little. Give him any thoughts you have on what you might do in a similar situation. If your boyfriend tends to be outward with his thoughts and emotions, you should basically do everything you can do get him to open up even more about his problems. If that's his personality, then internalizing won't help him come to any kind of conclusion or peace with his situation and the key is to get him to open up. So the exact answer depends on what your boyfriend's personality tends toward. But based on these descriptions, it shouldn't be terribly difficult for you to figure out which one your boyfriend is. Good luck!
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, graduation, end of year stress, supporting your significant other