Crushes
A Note In His Locker? (Ask A Guy)
Marie, 14 from Texas writes...
I have this guy for a long time - almost all year. Since school is about to let out, I really want to start to get to know him but I feel like it's too late. I've been thinking about putting a note in his locker but I wouldn't know what to put. I'm not sure if he even knows who I am. We don't really talk much and he is only in one of my classes. What should I do?Daniel says...
Putting a note in his locker definitely won't get the job done. Given the short time table in which you have to work, the only real option in front of you is to actually strike up a conversation with him sometime in the next few days. With the end of school coming up, the two of you should have plenty to talk about. Is he in any sports? What are his plans for the summer? Is he looking forward to school next year? If you talk to him for a minute or two a couple different times, you're bound to find something the two of you can talk in more detail about. Don't be obsessive and stalker-ish about talking to him. When you're waiting for class to start or killing time before class lets out, just talk to him for a minute or two. If you make it really casual, he'll be more at ease and your conversation will flow much more easily.Tags: ask a guy, crushes, building relationships, things to talk about
Everything. That’s What’s Wrong. (Ask A Guy)
Jody, 19 from Canada writes...
Hey Daniel,
I can easily give advice to my friends and I expect my friends to have the best men in their life. If a guy treats them poorly I'm quick to tell them to move on. However, now I need someone to give me some advice! I met a guy a year ago, we kept in touch throughout the year, even though I lived in another city for school. When I came back for summer we hung out nonstop. At one point, we had "the talk" and began dating. Two weeks later he broke it off because he said he isn't ready for a relationship and, in all honesty, he wanted to see other girls, too. So we kept hanging out a lot and hooking up. I know he hasn't hooked up with another girl beside me all summer. However, all my friends are saying "run," but I don't understand why a girl can't have a hook up buddy like a guy would. I do admit I like him A LOT, more than other guys I've dated. I totally understand that he disrespected me by telling me he doesn't like me enough to see just me, but in the end what is wrong with just hook up buddies and good friends?
Daniel says...
You like him - that's what's wrong! As much as you give lip service to the idea that the two of you are just friends with benefits, "hook up buddies," or no-strings-attached sex partners, the fact that you like him outweighs all those other facts. Eventually, the fact that you like him will outweigh your "desire" for just a friends with benefits relationship. Deep down inside you want to jump this guy's bones and have him call you his girlfriend...it is simply not possible to just ignore your feelings in this regard. You can argue, question, or dispute these statements all you want, but all your stubbornness accomplishes is convincing those who are close to you that you are truly hooked on this guy and simply in denial of this fact. That is precisely why they are encouraging you to run the other way. The other thing this entire situation does is reduce the respect others have for you. While this may not be true of your close friends (they should love and respect you regardless of the decisions you make - accepting you for who you truly are), this is certainly the truth for acquaintances or other guys who may be interested in you. Think about it. Imagine there are two girls a guy is considering being with. One of the girls is an upstanding, respectable, fun girl who doesn't sleep around and makes guys work for her respect and commitment. The other girl is fun and enjoyable to hang out with but has a reputation for sleeping with guys without any effort and being willing to be in friends with benefits relationships. How is the guy going to approach a relationship with the first girl? He is going to work hard to earn her attention and affection. And the second girl? He certainly won't view her as a prize to be won...instead, he will view her as an easy target who he can put forth a little bit of effort and get an effortless roll in the hay. As for why girls are different than guys, that is simple...girls let guys get away with being man-whores. Girls want to date bad boys and don't punish a guy by refusing to date him if he as a relationship for sleeping around. If girls started respecting themselves and demanding more from the guys who want to date them, they would find that the double standard would go away entirely and the expectations of guys would be exactly the same as those of girls. But as long as girls reward guys who sleep around by continuing to have sex with them, those guys will be able to get away with it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes
I’ll Show You! (Ask A Guy)
mari, 19 from United States writes...
If a guy likes a girl and is afraid she is going to reject him is it possible that the guy would become extremely mean to her? And in his mind is he thinking, "I'll give her a reason to not like me?"
Daniel says...
Being mean to the girl you have a crush on is a bit of a slippery slope because there is a marked difference (mainly in result) between being genuinely mean and simply being playfully annoying. Being playfully annoying to girls they like is something that has been in the male bag of tricks for generations. This may include innocently making fun of the girl, joking around with her, or even giving her a hard time about something to name a few possibilities. But when a guy crosses the line and starts being deliberately mean, that indicates he's in it for blood and not for sport - he's looking to hurt someone and not just to playfully flirt and try to develop a relationship. And that's to say nothing about the idea that any guy who is truly looking to hurt someone isn't worth it for any girl to date.
Some guys do have an irrational fear of rejection - a fear that can cause them to behave wholly unreasonably. If a guy is that mixed up over his emotions that he is unable to treat a girl decently, then he has issues. With that said, it's entirely possible (but somewhat unlikely) that a guy would hurt a girl simply because he fears that she would reject him. It is more common for a guy to be rejected and then decide to lash out at a girl in the hopes of making her hurt a little.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, rejection
Just Words Until You Take Action (Ask A Guy)
Annie, 19 from Massachusetts writes...
I want to talk to this guy I like about dating. I am pretty sure he likes me back because I feel like he hints at it. However, I never realize it until later. And every time I seem to get decently close to a guy I always push them away and never let them know how I feel. This seems to always happen and I really want to talk to him about possibly dating. I am just not sure how to approach the subject and I don't know if it's a bad idea to do it. However, I figure the worst that could happen is he would say "no" and I think our friendship can bounce back from it if he said no.
Daniel says...
Imagine a friend came up to you and said, "hey, we should date!" Regardless of how well the two of you know one another and how smoothly he raised the topic, you would realize that was precisely what he was saying. How would you feel? I'm guessing you'd feel a little strange about the entire situation. And that's because you don't talk to someone "about dating." When you like someone enough that you decide you want to make a move, you make a move. You don't just talk to them about it!
Rather than having a long, drawn out (not to mention uncomfortable) discussion about your "feelings" and other totally un-male things like that, ask him on a date yourself! It doesn't have to be labeled as such, but plan a chance for the two of you to hang out together. Make it something fun and engaging that will allow the two of you to talk but also provide an activity for the two of you to do that will help keep any awkward silences to a minimum. Be sure to watch for a future article on Crush Zone for some great first date ideas!
As you move beyond the first "date" and into future activities, try to plan things that he mentions he would like to do and activities that are gradually more intimate. If things go well, the two of you will fall into a position in which talking about a relationship is just natural. But don't try to force it without actually pursuing something first!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, crushes
Guys Need To Come Clean (Ask A Guy)
Keera, 15 writes...
I really like this guy at school, but I think he's totally oblivious. We've been great friends for the past four years and I'm really starting to like him. All of my girlfriends told me he likes me, too, so I asked all his friends. They told me he does but that he won't tell me. When I asked why, they said, "it's a guy thing," and then just left me hanging. I just want to know why guys are so reluctant to tell a girl that they're interested. I'm all for coming clean, but why isn't he?
Daniel says...
This has as much to do with self-confidence as anything else. Many guys are great at flirting with girls and joking around with them but when it comes to actually making a move, they often wither like a week old rose. Teenagers are notoriously insecure. Everything in life is changing from their appearance to their friendships to their behavioral tendencies. These changes often make people "proceed with caution" when they embark upon other new things - like relationships. Guys are no different than teenagers in general. Everyone wants some level of certainty in life and amidst all the change that occurs during the teen years, guys are too unsure of themselves to take the risk that's necessary to start a relationship. Many guys simply hope that relationships "happen" or are given to them in such an obvious manner that it doesn't really require taking any risk. Even when relationships happen like that, guys are often skittish about taking the next step.
In all likelihood, the guy you like probably wants to come clean but doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to do it. Instead of simply wondering why he won't step up, start giving him opportunities to do so! Plan some chances for the two of you to hang out. Start by hanging out with groups of people - his friends, your friends, it doesn't really matter as long as you will both be comfortable. Eventually, things will reach a point where hanging out alone together is desirable. Either that or you'll realize he isn't quite as dreamy as you initially thought. But no matter what happens, you'll be making progress. After doing this for a while one of you will feel the time is right to formalize your relationship. Just have patience, though. Relationships don't happen overnight.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, shy guys
Excuses, Excuses (Ask A Guy)
Long Unrequited Love, 16 from New York writes...
I met this guy (let's call him RL) during my preteen years, and I immediately had a crush on him. We ended up becoming friends, but it wasn't a normal friendship. We only talked via email, and rarely saw each other. RL had, at the time, started a business (which later became very successful), and most of our conversations dealt with work. Each time I would see him I had a hard time controlling myself, and many times came close to telling RL that I adored him. I would convince myself that he was sneaking looks at me when we were sitting next to each other. Now I am sure he was doing that because I was probably staring at him the entire time. Years have passed and we have been in and out of contact, due to his work and mine. The problem it seems, is that every time I think of RL, my obsession over him worsens. Even if we hadn't talked in months, I'd still dream about him. Then, stupid me, when my dreams seem to include him less, I decide to contact RL again. This to me is really unhealthy!
I only told RL I liked him once - years ago. It was at a party when we were kids, and I had stuck a note into his pocket without him noticing. He later found it and said he thought it was me because he recognized the handwriting. I told him it wasn't me (idiot), and later convinced myself that he couldn't possibly know it was mine because he's never seen my writing. We talked through e-mail (I hate talking on the phone) and I still think he was lying to this day.
Recently, after not talking for four months, I couldn't take it anymore and contacted RL again. We have been talking almost daily. Sometimes I start the conversation, and sometimes RL does, which is different because in the past it was me who started all conversations. Also, in years past, we would usually talk about our work and not much else, but now, it's changed. We talk about normal things, like emotions, and it's nice. The problem is that it's making me want him more, and I'm starting to feel physically sick from it; I can't take it anymore!
How do I stop my unrequited love for him after six years?!?! It doesn't seem possible to me, especially since it's effecting my every day life. And now, since I have raging hormones, when I dream about him, it almost always ends up sexual! This obsession not only has messed up my dreams and my health, but it has now affected my relationships with other people. I have only gone on two dates in my life and I turned down the chance to become that guy's girlfriend. I also turned down another guy's request, all while making up different excuses (i.e. I'm afraid to commit, I'm a lesbian, est.). The guys are probably really nice, but I just can't handle the thought of being with someone other than RL. Why can't I stop this? What can I do? HELP!
Daniel says...
In a rather short way of putting it, it's time to put up or shut up. You have yourself all tied in knots over RL to the point where it is likely that the only way you're going to get over him is to find out if anything exists between the two of you. You'll probably agree that this is a rather unorthodox approach, but your situation seems to demand it. In effect, you either need to be in a relationship with him or you need to have your heart broken by him. Your mind is so wrapped up with thoughts of him that it's probably the only way to shake you back into reality and make you realize that you need to move on.
Simultaneously, it's also possible that RL may have some feelings for you and just be scared of approaching you. In the interests of full disclosure, however, this seems unlikely given that he has a successful business. It is likely that he is confident enough to pursue a girl when he likes her.
With that said, there are two approaches you can take. One is quick, gutsy, and gets you an answer right away. But it carries the risk of having you embarrass yourself in front of RL or others you know. The other is more thoughtful, subtle, and drawn out, but it risks not getting you the certain answer you need in order to get past this rut. The quick and gutsy way is to very matter-of-factly ask RL out on a date. You don't necessarily have to describe your feelings for him in great detail, but make sure he understands it is a date. His answer will speak volumes for how you feel and if he breaks your heart, you will be able to start getting over him. The reason you are so hun up on him to begin with is likely because your mind has this fantasy about the two of you being together and thinks it actually might be possible. You either need to confirm that fantasy as a realistic possibility or confirm it as a total fantasy.
The second way is to take the more subtle approach I often advise people to take when they don't want to ruin a friendship or put themselves out there too far or too quickly. Ask him to hang out and do so increasingly often. Start out by doing something like shopping together and gradually end up watching movies at your house (for example). The idea is to go from public, open activities to increasingly personal, private activities and see how he reacts. Once again, this is a much more drawn out process and runs the risk of not getting you the definitive answer you need. If you follow the second path, there may be some point where you need to have a more direct conversation about how he feels.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, dating a friend
Some Familiar Competition (Ask A Guy)
One and the Same, 17 writes...
I'm getting really, really frustrated with my older sister. She's only older by a few months which is why she's a senior, like me. Anyway, we have about the same group of friends. In this group of friends is a guy I have a huge crush on. He's a sophomore this year and I've known him for about two years. My sister knows I have this huge crush on him and she even convinced me to ask him to the Homecoming dance at our school.
The problem is that she's showing signs of liking him. Every time I ask her about it she denies it but I know her flirting signs so she's not a convincing liar. She says it's only "play flirting" but I know better. Every time I try talking to him she interrupts me and starts talking to him. When I ask him a question and she's around, she interrupts him and answers for him.
This isn't the first time she's liked the same guy that I like. I keep asking her about it but she keeps denying it. I mean, the guy is the wallpaper on her cell phone! Like I said, I keep asking her about it but she continues to deny it and I'm getting really angry that she keeps lying straight to my face. I mean, we're close, at least I thought so. This is really hurting me but she doesn't seem to understand, even when I tell her. What should I do?
Daniel says...
The fact that you have competition for the attention of your crush is not at all unique, but clearly the issue that puts a unique spin on this situation is the fact that you are related to your competition. First and foremost, you want to ensure the two of you continue to be close. She may hurt your feelings by giving you a run for your money in the romance department, but at the end of the day, she's your own flesh and blood and it's important to maintain harmony at home.
To a certain extent, the idea of "tagging" a guy as yours and therefore unavailable to anyone else is silly. While it's true that good friends should generally steer clear of their friends' crushes out of common courtesy, there's something to be said for a "may the best (wo)man win" mentality. If two girls like a guy, it should really be up to the guy to decide who he would rather date - he is involved in this to a certain extent.
So what should you do about your sister? The first thing you should do is create some space between the two of you where your dating lives are concerned. Maybe she doesn't need to know every detail about who you are crushing on. Is your sister crushing on this guy? It certainly seems that way - her behavior appears to be constantly trying to get his attention and stay on his mind. And, for the record, there's no such thing as "play flirting." Flirting is fun by definition. It's not possible to "fake" flirting because you're either flirting with someone or you're not. Most likely, she doesn't want to admit her feelings because doing so would hurt your feelings.
Take her feelings as a given and don't worry about competing against her. You can only control your behavior and concentrate on having a good time with this guy and showing him how much fun you can be. Guys like a happy, confident girl and if you're constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what your competition is doing, that fear will affect your behavior and become obvious to the guy. Good luck!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, winning affection
Shampooing Your Hair is a Lame Excuse (Ask A Guy)
Just Wondering..., 17 writes...
Hey Daniel,
I think I could use some of your amazing advice just about now...
So I've liked this guy (Matthew) for almost a year, and we talk and flirt pretty often. I told one of my guy friends (who also turns out to be one of Matthew's friends) that I was crazy about him, and my friend told me that Matthew actually liked me as well. So I thought about that for a while, then I became a little unsure, so I texted my friend back just to REALLY make sure this was true, and he responded with an "I don't know...".
Then yesterday, I saw Matthew at school and he walked right past me without saying anything. And I know he saw me. Normally he would playfully push me into a locker, or start up a conversation or at least say hi or smile or...SOMETHING. I saw him a few more times that day and again for the rest of the week and he did the same thing...he just kind of ignored me. Then it was weird because I'd see him in the morning and he'd ignore me, then I'd see him at lunch and we'd talk for a bit and flirt a little more, and then I'd see him after school and he'd be back to ignoring me. So my question is WHY IS HE DOING THIS??!! It seems like weird behaviour. I don't know if it might be because he's confused as to whether he likes me or not or if he realizes that I like him and is trying to get me to back off, or what, but it's weird. Do you know why? Anything would help, because I kind of want him, but I'm really bad at these kinds of situations, and this just makes it a little more confusing.
Thanks a million!
Daniel says...
Given that you told Matthew's best friend how you felt, you should probably be certain Matthew now knows precisely how you feel. It certainly sounds as though knowing you like him has freaked Matthew out in some way. The question is, has it freaked him out because he doesn't like you and therefore doesn't want you to like him or has it freaked him out because he does like you and now doesn't know how to behave around you? Each suggestion is equally plausible and there really isn't enough information in your question to inform an answer. The unpredictability of his behavior toward you certainly seems to indicate he is over-thinking things. Sometimes he is perfectly "normal" toward you and other times he thinks it's better to simple go on about his business and not let things get too close.
The good news is that you can do some things to figure out what his true feelings are. For starters, talk to him! There's absolutely nothing saying that he has to initiate all contact between the two of you and it's possible that he wants you to show some initiative and "prove" your feelings to him. Next time you see him in the halls, approach him and ask him how he's doing. Strike up a conversation - it's clear that the two of you have no problem sustaining a conversation and you know one another fairly well already so just treat it like any other friendly conversation. The fact that one of you likes the other is extra information that really doesn't even need to enter into the equation from your perspective. If you never talk, you're guaranteed never to be able to have a relationship with him.
Come up with some reasons (or excuses, perhaps) for the two of you to hang out away from school grounds. Maybe it's a football game or a school play or even one of the garage bands in your high school playing a show, but whatever the occasion is, don't be afraid to give the two of you opportunities to hang out. If he's interested, he will either say yes immediately or decline apologetically and with a solid, non-flaky excuse. If he simply declines or comes up with a totally lame excuse about shampooing his hair, then you can be certain he isn't interested in dating. Either way you'll at least know how he feels.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, crushes
Is He Happy? Would We Have Been Happy? (Ask A Guy)
Arianne, 21 writes...
I met a guy who I was later really attracted to. As time went on and we started to talk more; he would usually sit next to me in class and we would often meet up with another friend to do homework. At the end of every semester he sent me a text saying how he hoped we would bump into each other in the holidays, etc. Once we had a meal together, which he insisted on paying for. I even thought that perhaps he had deeper feelings for me but I was not sure. Then, last year, toward the end of semester, he became really withdrawn and never really sat next to me. I was puzzled by this and especially when I never heard anything from him over the entire break. I assumed that the friendship had been broken for some reason, but I could not understand or think of a reason why.
Later on, I found out he now had a girlfriend and had given up some of his religious beliefs, which I thought were very strong. I never heard a thing from him for over six months. Then, at the start of last semester, I happened to run into him. He stopped and ended up talking to me for a few hours. He wanted to catch up the next week for coffee, and since then we have had coffee together nearly every week. We get on so well together and in one text he sent to me, he said he missed me.
What I want to know is, is it possible that he likes me? And if so, is it possible that he liked me before he met his girlfriend? The last thing I would want to do is ruin what they have if they are totally happy. But I have liked him for a long time and I used to think perhaps there was something there. If he used to like me, why didn't he do something about it?
Daniel says...
Much like girls, guys' feelings can be very fickle. Depending on a guy's mood, recent events, the behavior of the girls in question, and any number of other potential factors, a guy's preference between potential girlfriends can sway like the breezes on coastal Carolina. Okay, maybe not coastal Carolina, but you get the idea (the winds in Mary Poppins, perhaps?). It's entirely possible that he liked you before he met this other girl. But what sounds entirely likely is that this other girl was simply higher on his ladder than you were and once he met her and realized he stood a chance at ending up in a relationship with her, he forgot about you entirely. I say this not to be rude or contrarian. Rather, I merely use this as one simple example of how guys can be highly prone to changes in opinion.
If he did like you (which is entirely plausible), he most likely didn't act on it because he wasn't sure he wanted to pursue a relationship with you. In other words, there was another girl who was higher on his ladder and he was still pursuing her and figuring out whether he stood a chance with her. Another point I would like to make is that this guy may not be everything you think he is. As awesome as he may seem, it also sounds as though he is quick to sacrifice or set aside his beliefs when a girl he likes is involved. This chameleon-like tendency may be convenient but it also indicates just how young and inexperienced he is. When guys truly understand who they are and what they need to be happy, they won't be willing to set aside something that has become a large part of who they are just because of a potential relationship.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes, changing beliefs
Vacuuming Your Carpet Is Also A Lame Excuse (Ask A Guy)
Just Wondering..., 17 writes...
Hey Daniel,
So I wrote to you last week... my submission was titled "Shampooing Your Hair Is a Lame Excuse" and I followed you up on some of your suggestions. But now I'm more confused then ever! I was wondering if I could fill you in on some of the recent things, as well as some things that I forgot to post last time. I'm really hoping that you can help me figure out whether or not he likes me.
So first of all, I called Matthew and asked him why he was acting strangely. The conversation went kind of like this: (I started)
Me: Hey
Him: ...Hey
Me: What's up?
Him: ...Not much
Me: Did you do that physics homework yet?
Him: ...I just started it like 10 minutes ago.
Me: Oh...So I was wondering why you were acting weird towards me at school today. Did I do something wrong?
Him: ...No
Me: Ok then. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Bye
Him: ...Bye
And that was it. It lasted a whole 24 seconds, and pretty much every single second was filled with awkwardness. He was really hesitant before he said anything and he gave me mostly one word answers.
So anyway, after that happened, I figured he really wasn't that into me. Except here's the weird thing. The next day, he called ME, "just to talk". He said he'd arrived a soccer practice a little early and he was bored and decided to call me. So we talked on the phone for 10 minutes, about pretty much everything, and it was like it used to be between us - just us joking around and having fun. So now, obviously, I'm quite confused. I wanted to take your advice and ask him to help me with my physics homework after school sometime this week (which sounds pretty boring, I know, but it's what we used to do last year, and I have to admit... doing it with him is a lot more fun!). Hopefully, like you said, he would want to spend time with me and agree to help. But I thought I'd ask you your opinion about the recent goings-on before I jump into that.
So thanks again. You're the best!
Daniel says...
It doesn't sound to me like there is anything whatsoever that should prevent you from asking Matthew if he would like to get together to work on some homework. If the two of you have a history of working on homework together, this should give things a bit of a familiar, comfortable vibe and should enable the two of you to ease back into relating to one another as you used to. In short, the familiarity should cause the two of you to behave similarly to how you have in the past. In addition, it is unlikely that he would say no to something as benign as homework - I would classify it as a low risk, medium reward activity. It isn't going to give you any earth-shattering details about your relationship or what he thinks of you, but it will at last tell you if he's not interested in you.
If he does turn you down without a reasonable excuse, then you can be fairly certain he is uninterested. I'm not certain what his deal was when you called him, but it could simply be that he wasn't interested in talking right then because he was focused on his homework. When I'm deeply focused on something, it can sometimes be tough to extract myself from it enough to have a "normal" conversation. In short, you should be looking for patterns. One brilliant conversation or one awkward one does not establish how he feels about you. But if, over the next few days or weeks, you notice that your relations with him have become consistently less comfortable, then you have something you can pay attention to - something that may be proving a more reliable situation.
Be patient. Guys rarely change their minds overnight, so give yourself some time to develop an accurate impression of how this guy is going to behave toward you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, crushes, reader follow-up