Converting A Friendship
Daniel Jumps In The Wayback Machine (Ask A Guy)
Sarah, 18 from Ontario writes...
My best friend is a guy. While this has never posed a problem before, I think that I am developing feelings for him. In the last little while, he has been saying little things that lead me to think maybe he feels the same way. For example, the other day we were walking down the street and he said, "I see people giving us funny looks because they think we're dating, what’s that all about?" Is this some kind of hint? As cliché as it sounds, I don’t want to do anything to risk our friendship if I’m not sure something's going to come out of it. What should I do?
Daniel says...
You are considering a move that will change your relationship with this guy no matter what the result. The possibility definitely exists that this boy likes you as more than a friend; it often happens when a guy and girl are best friends. Try asking him what he means when he says one of these “little things”. It wouldn’t hurt to go ask him about the comment he made about people giving you funny looks. If you are coy enough, you may be able to coax a truly honest response. Whatever you do, keep in mind that if you date him and things don’t work out, the odds of becoming best (platonic) friends again are slim. With that said, some of the best relationships are those that start out as innocent friendships.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in November 2005.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, blast from the past, converting a friendship, feelings
It’s All In The Timing (Ask A Guy)
Claira, 19 from Canada writes...
So I have had feelings for a guy friend on and off for years now. When I was quite drunk I remember cuddling, holding hands, and cutesy stuff. He probably thinks it means nothing, and how much can it mean when you're drunk? But where can I go from here? Is it bad timing to pursue these feelings at this point or good timing?
Daniel says...
Let's see here. You like a guy. You don't know whether or not the guy likes you. The only time either of you has expressed any feelings toward one another has been when you were "quite drunk." So quite simply, you don't know enough right now to be able to move forward in any direction. Keep being friendly with the guy and try to get to know him even better; plan a few "dates" with him and see how things go. I say "dates," because you need to be very careful not to pitch them as dates. They should really simply be get-togethers between two friends. Make them casual activities, but have them be just the two of you. This will create a low-key chance for the two of you to move closer to developing a relationship or to discover that you just aren't that comfortable hanging out alone (when you're sober). Whatever you do, don't make a move when the only exposure you've had to one another has been when large amounts of alcohol have been involved.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, converting a friendship, drunken behavior
I Want Him To Want Me (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 17 writes...
Okay, so here's the deal!
There's this guy and we've known each other for quite a while. We dated close to two years ago. After we broke up (we were both too stressed with our own personal lives and decided a relationship wasn't the best idea at the moment), we lost touch for a while. We both dated other people but nothing went anywhere, really. While he was in a relationship with his last girlfriend he texted me out of the blue while out for a weekend with his guy friends and told me he missed me. Knowing he was in a relationship, I told him I didn't want to hear that because I know I wouldn't have liked him doing that to me behind my back.
So this has been going on for about eight months and he has since broken up with said girlfriend. We talk around school and have started to get closer again. He has made it clear that he likes/misses me and I have made it fairly clear, too. It's not like I'm holding myself out for him or anything but I do still really like him and would love to get back together with him.
Here's the confusing part. Over the summer, we fooled around a bit when we hung out. He's always just been someone I've been comfortable doing stuff like that with. Since then he has been texting me weekly saying how much he'd like to fool around with me again. At first, I found it somewhat insulting, making it seem like he just wanted to get into my pants! So I told him and he said quite seriously that he's only joking when he says stuff like that and actually doesn't mean most of it. Since then we still talk and text frequently, he helps me with my problems, offering a safe place to go if I need it and both of us joking back and forth sexually.
Now my question to YOU is.. we're hanging out after exams, and we both know that we're gonna fool around and stuff, but somehow, I want to bring up the fact that I'd like to get back together with him because I feel our first relationship was timed wrong. It's CLEAR that we both still care about each other. How should I go about doing this? I'm not really good at being forward like that and I get really nervous and the last thing I want to do is embarrass myself!
Help?
Daniel says...
Good job standing up for your values and inserting them into the situation when his ex-girlfriend was involved. You have standards and by pointing them out where his relationship with his girlfriend was involved, you sent the not-so-subtle message that you weren't interested in being "the other girl" and that he needed to respect you. He obviously responded well because he kept in touch with you and apparently started pursuing you shortly after he broke up with his then-girlfriend. So he likes you. That much you can be confident of. The two of you have also fooled around, so it's obvious he is attracted to you.
All your friend's statements to you have indicated a desire to advance things between you while pushing the envelope but respecting your own boundaries and limits. If he didn't truly respect you and value his friendship with you, he wouldn't be concerned about responding to your own concerns or statements of discomfort. Rather, he would be more interested in having a laugh, making himself happy, or telling you why your concerns were not valid. If a guy likes you, he listens when you have a problem and responds respectfully - either changing his behavior or politely explaining why something cannot change. But when a guy doesn't respect you and is only after you for sex or laughs, he doesn't listen, is generally uncooperative, and doesn't want to be inconvenienced by someone else's way of thinking. Your friend certainly fits the "interested" description.
So the odds are good that there is at least a possibility the two of you could end up together. He most likely won't laugh at you or reject you straight-off, but if you're going to broach the idea of getting back together, you need to be prepared for the possibility that your friendship will suffer. Talk about it nicely and compliment him. Tell him how much you've enjoyed hanging out with him and rekindling your friendship. Tell him you would like the two of you to get back together and see how he reacts. Your desire to actually date (rather than just fool around) is respectable. You obviously know how to stand up for yourself and that is to be commended. Good luck!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, converting a friendship, getting back together
Sure Seemed Interested To Me (Ask A Guy)
kmw93319, 16 writes...
I went to a friend's birthday party on Friday; we went out for pizza and went bowling. The guy I have liked for a long time was also invited. We sat next to each other at the pizza place and we played the little kid coloring games and talked the whole time. During this time we sat really close to each other - our legs were touching. We then headed to go bowling and we continued to sit closelythroughout the evening. We then went to our friends house and watched a video; I sat next to him on the sofa. We were sharing his sweatshirt as a blanket.
He then leaned his head against mine. We then held hands throughout the rest of the movie. Everyone in the room seemed to think that he liked me and I got the same impression. The next day, I texted him after our swim practice and he said that he only wants to be friends. I was really confused considering the night before. Could it be that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship since we are really close friends or is there no hope? What should I do, wait it out or just settle for friends?
Daniel says...
If the two of you are close friends, then it is unlikely you will be able to change his mind by simply behaving differently or waiting things out. Flirting with you, sitting closely to you, and holding hands probably seemed very fun, but that's apparently all they were - fun. If a guy is thinking about pursuing a relationship with a girl, they don't simply offer up the fact that they only want to be friends. Guys who like a girl will do one of two things: either they will withdraw somewhat because they are worried about pushing things too far and freaking the girl out or they will continue pushing and flirting in the hopes that they will end up making out with the girl. Obviously, a makeout session would make the eventual "will you go out with me" moment a lot easier on the stomach.
Your friend did none of these things - rather, he told you point-blank that he was uninterested in a relationship. At this point, you settle for being friends and don't let him trick you into thinking he wants more again. If you go to a party again, sit across the group from him. Or better yet, sit two or three people down from him so you're not right next to him and you must crane your neck to see him. Your friendship may have a lot to do with his feelings, but if he was at all conflicted (especially after flirting so openly with you just a night before) he would not have said anything until he figured things out with more certainty.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, converting a friendship
A Date to the Dance (Ask A Guy)
Anonymous, 13 writes...
I need help. Sometimes boys can be just so confusing.
He's my best friend - has been for a while now. We get along so well and are great together. There's never an awkward moment between us and we can tell each other anything. All my other friends think the relationship between us is...weird. Everyone says we flirt a lot and most people think we have dated or are dating. I don't really notice the flirting or closeness between us because it's just natural. We don't do it purposely or anything.
A few months back I kind of had a mini crush on him, and I told him so. But then that ended when I met my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now). A week ago he told me that when I liked him he also sort of liked me, but didn't tell me because he didn't want to give me hope, and I understand what he means and am kind of glad he didn't tell me.
Lately we've been really, really close, mentally and physically. And he pointed that out and asked me if it was alright (he's sweet like that). Of course I said it was alright because I like being close to him. A little while after I said that he asked if I wanted to go to grad with him. I wondered if he was asking me as a friend or something more so I asked him that. And he said, "well, what do you want to go as?" And somehow we got off topic and I didn't end up answering the question. But I told him I'd go with him.
I am really confused. Does he want us to be more then friends? I think I am starting to fall for him again. But he knows how I feel about him and that I would date him, so ugghh. I don't exactly know what to do. I cannot risk our friendship, I love him a lot and I want him in my life forever, whether it's as a friend or something more. Help me please.
Daniel says...
You don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to, and based on your behavior with this guy, he fully expected you to say that you wanted to go with him to the dance as an actual date. At the very least, he expected you to hedge because you were uncomfortable admitting your feelings for him (which is basically the path you followed). The two of you obviously trust one another very much and that trust is important because it makes it very unlikely that he would play games with you or put you in a position where you could be embarrassed or rejected. When two people have the history and the type of relationship the two of you do, they simply don't do things that could hurt one another.
What your friend was going was trying to have a relationship with you in kind of a roundabout way that didn't require him to go way out on a limb. Asking a girl to a dance is a common way to break the relationship ice without having too much pressure. Dances provide something to do that is quasi-romantic, yet you're still with all your friends. So the two of you are definitely going to the dance. It sounds like the two of you hang out relatively often, so next time you're hanging out with one another, I would casually bring up the subject. You could simply say, "I never gave you an answer when you asked what I wanted to go to the dance as." He'll inevitably respond with something that encourages you to go on and you can tell him exactly how you feel. He's looking for an opportunity to get closer to you - an invitation of sorts. If you like him, then go ahead and give it to him!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, converting a friendship, dances
Mixed Messages (Ask A Guy)
quitesmashing, 19 writes...
I have a problem with my best guy friend. And by "problem," I mean that I feel like I'm in love with him. We're both 20 years old and we go to the same university. He and I have been very good friends for about five years and about six months ago, he broke up with his girlfriend of two years. We've become even closer since then. But I don't know how he feels about me; I have asked, but he sends me the most mixed signals.
For the first few months after he broke up with his girlfriend, it was just us reconnecting and becoming close as friends again. I was in a relationship at the time, too, so it was strictly friends between us. That guy and I ended up not working out, and shortly after, when I was hanging out with my friend, we ended up making out a little...but we sort of pretended it never happened.
He's sort of obsessed with finding his true love, and he really wants to get married soon and all that. He talks to me about everything, all of his hopes and fears and dreams, but also about girls he's interested in. But then when I mention somebody that I may be interested in dating he gets upset and asks me not to talk about stuff like that because "he still sees me as more than a friend." He says he knows he talks about other girls, but he doesn't talk about them seriously, and it bugs him to hear about me with other guys.
Talk about mixed signals!
So I decided a few weeks ago that I was just done with all this, because I hate feeling like I love him but there's nothing I can do, and I just pulled the whole, "I'm so glad you're my friend. You're such a good friend" thing to hammer the point home. I even said I saw him as a brother! He told me not to say that because he knows that we're more than that. Awesome, so he just wants to keep me hanging on? All this time he's still a great friend to me, though. He's protective, caring, he bends over backwards to cheer me up when I've had a bad day, offers to run errands for me and lots of other stuff. He tells me how much he cares about me.
I just don't know what to do. Last week I was upset and just done, and he and I got in a big fight about something stupid and I deleted him from my Facebook. He messaged me the same day asking why I was throwing away our friendship and he made me feel bad for cutting off contact. Now it's exactly where it was before!
What am I supposed to do? He's still a good friend, but maybe it's just not worth it if he's going to keep playing games with my feelings. He'll talk to me about us getting married someday and having kids. He says that I'm the only person he could even imagine having a kid with. Why would he talk to me about that? What does he want from me?
Daniel says...
It sure sounds like he really wants to be with you, but it doesn't sound like either of you has really pushed the envelope. This includes you. You threatened him with ending your friendship, but it appears as though you never told him what you wanted from him. This is somewhat like storming into your parents' house, screaming at them, announcing you're so mad at them and that you're moving out and never stating what they did that made you so mad. Aside from that, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Coming into a discussion with a "hellfire and damnation" attitude will set people on their heels and force them into a defensive viewpoint. By engaging in informative discussions that tell people what you're feeling and what your needs and desires are, you will be much more likely to get what you want.
The one thing that is obvious in all this is the fact that you are comfortable telling this guy just about anything. Take advantage of this! Sit down with him, tell him exactly what you're seeing and what his behavior is appearing as to you. Then tell him how this makes you feel. It's important that you start with the facts because facts are not debatable. Then tell him how you feel and what you want from him. Explain your feelings for him and your desire for a relationship with him that is more than just a friendship. Your friendship has proven to be fairly resilient, so even if the conversation goes well, I suspect that you will be able to maintain that friendship should the conversation not turn out how you would like. At the same time, you could always opt to discontinue your friendship; that is your prerogative. He does like you and is probably just unsure how to proceed. Getting your feelings out on the table may help push things along, but it doesn't appear to be likely to do any significant harm.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, converting a friendship, growing a relationship