Communication
Give Me A Break! Please! (Ask A Guy)
Sandra, 20 from Louisiana writes...
Sometimes I would really love to show affection beyond a quick peck and a hug to my boyfriend without leading to sex but I don't know how. Every time we start kissing, he thinks it means I'm hot and ready to go....he even tells me "I know you want me, or you wouldn't be this affectionate." And this isn't me stripping or grabbing him to lead him, these incidents occur when I could be dressed in frumpy clothes and just wrapping my arms around his waist for a few kisses. I don't know how to tell him without offending him; he always retorts with something like "well, I'm sorry I'm attracted to you" in a sarcastic voice or he thinks that I assume he doesn't put any meaning into our sex. Sometimes he backs off for a little while but then starts up again and I have to keep rebuffing him over and over or give in. I'm tired of either having to avoid touching him too much unless I also want sex, or steeling myself up for the ensuing struggle just to get some innocent romance. It's not that I don't enjoy our sex, I just don't want EVERY encounter to be sex and I would just like to occasionally enjoy a loving, tender, romantic kiss.Daniel says...
Whenever someone lies, it usually reveals a lack of confidence or a feeling of inadequacy in someone. It's not uncommon for someone to gloss over, overstate, or misrepresent details of their childhood or life experiences. For whatever reason, this makes them feel a little better about themselves and manages to hide something about them they may find embarrassing. The fact that your boyfriend's lying approached a compulsive level indicates a seriously dysfunctional personality. He either feels woefully inadequate, amazingly embarrassed, or both. Lying sometimes also makes people feel "cool" or edgy - feelings that help them feel better about themselves. The most telling aspect of this situation is the fact that the person he was supposedly the closest to (you) didn't even get to see the real him. So did anyone? It's doubtful. Your boyfriend's lack of self-confidence will be his undoing unless he figures his stuff out and starts living his life rather than someone else's.Tags: sex, ask a guy, communication, romance
Someone Doesn’t “Understand” (Ask A Guy)
Hannah, 19 from Maryland writes...
When is the average time to say "I love you"? I know you'll probably say it's different for everyone, but I like to take it slow but my boyfriend of only a month said it the other night and it really freaked me out.
Daniel says...
A month seems to be awfully quickly to declare your love for a girl. In fact, it seems more like an example of "what not to do" from a romantic comedy than something that would make a girl's heart melt. You're right that it depends on the relationship, those involved, and their own relationship histories...every relationship is unique when it comes to how it develops and when that bond is present. I can say with certainty that a month is too soon. Telling someone you love them is supposed to be a recognition that you know someone, understand them, and think they are perfect for you. After a month together, you simply don't have that bond with one another to be able to know whether you love one another.
I dislike giving general rules of thumb, but in my opinion, anything before three months is too soon and some relationships may need even longer than that.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, when to say i love you
Excuses Are Like… (Ask A Guy)
Confizzled, 16 from United States writes...
My boyfriend just got a new job - he works with his uncle doing construction work. I thought he would be in a better mood because of the job opportunity, but it seems like he's worse. He always takes things out on me and gets mad at me when things aren't going right for him. But when he couldn't go to his friends' house late last night- he became furious toward me. I tried to make the situation better, but it seemed like nothing worked. He always seems to take everything out on me when he doesn't get his way, and I've tried talking to him about it - nothing is working. I love him to death, and I know he loves me, too.
I tried to have a serious conversation with him about it last night when we went to the store to get a black and mild, but he began yelling and telling me that he was done with everything and wanted to just go to his parents house (he lives with me). I'm not sure if he is just under a lot of stress lately - before because he couldn't get a job, and now because he has a tiring one - or if it is just his untreated bipolar syndrome showing itself. I'm not sure what to do. I try to talk to him without yelling, but he always makes it into an argument. When he starts yelling, I start yelling - it seems like all we can do is argue when we try to have serious talks. We've been together for almost six months now, and I don't want to end our relationship because he means the world to me, but I don't know how I am supposed to talk to him about everything when he just decides to yell or give me some sort of alternative. What do I do?
Daniel says...
It sounds like you may have gotten a little too serious a little too quickly. The decision to move in with someone is not one to be taken lightly and doing so within six months of beginning your relationship is definitely a decision that can be called into question. It sounds like you simply got into a serious relationship with someone you didn't know all that well. Take a step back and analyze what it is you want from your relationship.
If your boyfriend is bipolar, then he needs to seek counseling and try to get a handle on his issue because it does sound like that is a significant contributor to your scenario. In addition, it sounds like you have been effective at addressing issues as they have come up and talking to your boyfriend when things need to be said. For that, you are to be commended. But from what I can see, you haven't given your boyfriend a reason he needs to change. That's not to say you should use the potential end of your relationship as a threat, though. You need to convey to your boyfriend just how frustrated you are and how disrespected you feel. Encourage him to seek counseling. If he isn't willing to work with you to improve your relationship, then is yours a relationship at all?
This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, bipolar disorder
Managing Communication (Ask A Guy)
Cheerios, 18 writes...
Dear Daniel,
There's this guy that is obviously interested in me. I am also interested in him. No problem, right? Wrong. I am extremely shy and I know that guys are attracted to outgoing and confident girls, which I'm not. I've never had a boyfriend before. I don't want him to lose interest. What do I do?
Thanks!
Daniel says...
Confidence isn't about knowing all the answers or being able to flawlessly handle every situation you encounter. It's about being happy with who you are and not being bothered when things don't go according to plan - and that includes not being bothered by not having a boyfriend. Being carefree is a type of confidence - you don't need to be outgoing to capture a guy's interest. While it certainly helps, it is far from necessary. The most important thing is to give off the impression that you enjoy yourself (particularly when you're hanging out with them) and let thing develop from there.
Even if you are shy, there's nothing wrong with approaching a guy and asking how his day is going. Think about it this way: if he totally blows you off for asking a simple, friendly question then is he really the type of guy you want to date? Keep a couple topics in the back of your mind that you can talk about, but don't be afraid to let the guy lead conversation a little, too. The guy should, after all, do some of the work! Most importantly, if you feel the conversation lagging, excuse yourself for one reason or another and give yourselves a chance to recharge and try again later. Relationships don't happen overnight and not all conversations go smoothly. To this day, I have occasional lapses in conversation with even my best friends. It's just a fact of life. Don't be afraid of them, just learn how to manage them.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, shy girls
Umm, Consider The Age Difference (Ask A Guy)
ahh, 14 from Texas writes...
This weekend I met someone while I was in Galveston. His name is Enrique and he's really nice. Only, he's Mexican and he just moved here from Mexico, so he barely speaks any English. But we managed to communicate with the Spanish I know and the English he knew. We ended up meeting because I was walking on the beach, and he just came up and asked to take a picture with me. Yeah, it was kind of weird but I didn't mind. He asked for my number and kissed me on the cheek. It was really sweet.
Then we swam together and he would hold me when the waves would come. We kissed a little, and then he introduced me to his family. I then discovered that he is 19. I don't mind, though. Then he left and texted me. It was really adorable, because he would try to teach me Spanish. And he might come down here on Saturday. But I've been talking to this other guy for a few weeks who is 14. What should I do?! I really like Nathan, but I also like Enrique. And I'm not sure if I really like Enrique or if I just like the fact that he's Mexican (I've always liked Mexican guys more than anyone else). So what should I do? I don't want to stop talking to Nathan and then have Enrique and I not work out, but I also don't want to stop talking to Enrique.
Daniel says...
You and Enrique are separated by five years. With him at 19 and you at 14, that's a huge difference in life experience and expectations from a relationship. Aside from that, Enrique seems like he may be a bit of a player. Think about it: he approached you randomly on a beach having only been in the States for a few weeks and barely knowing any of your native language. That takes guts - the type of guts only possessed by a guy who really knows what he's doing.
Nathan, on the other hand, is the same age at you, is in the same place in life, and probably has more realistic expectations regarding where your relationship would be headed.
At this point, however, you can't over think things. In truth, you don't know either guy well enough to choose between them. Heck, you don't even know whether you have two guys to choose from or if you just want to have two guys to choose from. There is nothing wrong with remaining friends with both of them and making the call later on. But I wouldn't get your hopes up too high about Enrique. He's dating way outside the age of consent and is clearly much more experienced than you are. You are much more likely to be happy with Nathan.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, age differences, finding mr. right
Those Pesky Awkward Silences (Ask A Guy)
Alicia, 19 from British Columbia writes...
I just started dating my boyfriend. By just, I mean it has been a week. Everything is great, he is everything I could ever want in a guy. We have the same goals, have been through similar things and completely relate to each other. Whenever I'm with him, I feel like a princess- he is such a gentleman. All my friends keep telling me how I have found myself a keeper and hit the jackpot. There is just one thing that concerns me and I am wondering if it is likely to go away in time or not. When we are together in a group of people, we hardly ever talk. I feel like I constantly have to put effort into conversation. I am generally a more reserved, not very talkative person and he is the exact opposite, the center of attention, the one who is always making everyone laugh and feel comfortable. I guess that I just assumed it would be the same once we started dating - that there wouldn't be the awkward silences. This is only in person, we constantly text and IM each other and never run out of conversation. But the conversation is always much more serious. My question to you: is this just an awkward beginning stage while we are still getting comfortable with the relationship or is it something that is of relative concern? Any input would be great!
Daniel says...
It is true that some relationships never quite get past that initial awkward phase. For the most part, these relationships don't last long, though, because the relationship is so awkward that it is almost unbearable for the two people involved. As long as the two of you have this excitement about one another, your relationship will be strong enough to get past the initial awkward phase. Just about every relationship has an awkward phase initially. The two people in the relationship need time to feel one another out and determine each person's role in the relationship. While a certain amount of prior relationship experience is helpful, every relationship is unique so there is always a learning curve involved.
The fact that the active conversations you do have are serious indicates that the two of you are getting to know one another - I mean really getting to know one another. The only piece that remains is the interaction when you are together. And this will come. Trust me. The human mind is unbelievably powerful and as you read this, eat your breakfast, drive to work, or any other normal activities, it is working in the background to process the information you are learning about your boyfriend. Without you really even knowing, you will figure out what you need to do (and your boyfriend will be doing the same thing. Before you know it, the two of you will be getting along famously.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, getting to know one another
Some Jokes Aren’t That Funny (Ask A Guy)
special~k <3, 14 writes...
I have a running inside joke with my guy friend. We pretend like we're dating and jokingly tell people we are. It seemed like our joke was getting a little more serious than usual but I just sort of went with it. One day after homeroom I was jokingly holding hands walking down the hall with another friend of mine (it was totally obvious that it was a joke). My "boyfriend" saw us and now our friendship feels totally weird. We talk a little less and it seems like every time he sees me, he talks to the closest girl to him. The problem is this: I have a problem with it! I don't know if I like him, but I really want us to go back to the way we used to be. What does all this really mean?
Daniel says...
This most likely means you have at least some slight feelings for this guy. Given how much time the two of you have spent together, that is not at all surprising, though. When guys and girls spend a lot of time together (particularly teenage guys and girls) it is actually fairly common for feelings to develop on the part of at least one of the people involved.
It is fairly clear that this guy likes you. And yes, I used the present tense (likes) as opposed to the past tense in that statement. If he no longer liked you, he wouldn't be so dead set on making you feel awful for so truly scandalous as having a little bit of fun at school. You're probably also dealing with a bit of insecurity, too. Teenage guys aren't the most experienced guys and that understandably leads to an inability to read people and what they are truly meaning. (Not that time equates to wisdom...ask any guy in his forties if he truly understands the female mind!)
When this guy saw you holding hands his mind jumped past what was intended to be a very obvious joke and moved straight on to being hurt. It's somewhat understandable, too. He probably thought the two of you had something special with your pretend dating - something unique to the two of you. Seeing you holding hands with another guy made him think he wasn't as special to you as he thought. As much as he may have wanted to believe you were joking, he was probably unable to overcome the feelings of betrayal.
So what now? Talk to him!!! You can't possibly get things back to "normal" between the two of you if you don't at least attempt to address things. Approach him sometime when you have a few minutes to talk. Before or after school may be best. Tell him what you know - that you holding hands with the other guy hurt his feelings - and then apologize for doing so. Tell him you never intended to hurt his feelings and you feel terrible for having done so. Sometimes getting things back to normal requires eating a little bit of crow. After things start getting back to normal (it may take a while longer), start hanging out with him more outside of school. The two of you like one another, so maybe a relationship (beyond your current friendship) is still possible.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, revenge
Under Pressure…Of Love (Ask A Guy)
caris, 19 from California writes...
I really care about my boyfriend, and I'm almost positive I love him. We are kind of in a long-distance relationship right now (he lives about two hours away) and we had both just gotten out of long-term relationships when we met in September. Because of this, I feel like he may be afraid to get too close to me, considering he was (and still probably is) trying to get over his ex. He'll text during the day, but not a lot like I would prefer and they're usually spread out pretty far. We talk once a night, sometimes not even that, and it's really starting to take a toll on me. I feel like I like him more than he likes me, which is something that has NEVER happened to me before. However, I know it's probably not the case because he's told me he likes me and cares about me a lot. We haven't said "I love you" yet, even though we've been seeing each other for around seven months. Is he just guarding his feelings? Will he loosen up a little once he sees that I genuinely care for him? Should I tell him I love him first? Thanks!
Daniel says...
Here's the key to getting a handle on your situation: settle down! You're practically smothering the guy and, in the process, probably making him wonder if you're really the one for him. He may very well be afraid to get too close to you - your expectations for a casual dating relationship already exceed the expectations of many more established relationships and it's possible that he fears that he will be even further constricted should he actually enter a formal relationship with you. For starters, you bemoan the fact that he only texts you periodically throughout the day and does not constantly text you. You also seem to express frustration at the content of his messages, too.
Many teenagers these days view texting as a "normal" form of communication. Remaining in constant contact and communication with your significant other can sometimes be viewed as stressful, not to mention constricting. If he spends his entire day trading messages with you, then when can he get other things done? It is important for people to spend time with other friends and family members and it is rude to spend that time constantly clicking away on their phone.
You have a similar outlook on phone conversations; not every couple speaks on the phone hourly, several times a day, or even once each day. Some people are more amenable to talking on the phone than others and your boyfriend's particular preferences are something you need to keep in mind - both before you start dating someone and as long as you plan to be in a relationship with him. If your boyfriend doesn't particularly care for talking on the phone, then forcing him to do so borders on cruel and places your relationship in an awkward position. You can only force someone to behave differently than their natural behavior for so long - pushing too much for too long will eventually cause a revolt of sorts.
As far as "I love you" is concerned, you can certainly say something to him, but you would be better served by laying back and seeing how things develop once you've backed down on the pressure for a little while. If you loosen up a bit, your boyfriend may realize you really are the person he wants to be with.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, the l word, admitting your feelings
Communication (Ask A Guy)
Sadie, 18 from United States writes...
Dear Daniel,
I know you must receive a lot of questions about this sort of thing, but I would really appreciate your straightforward, honest advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating about a year. We recently moved in together and things have been great. We're best friends and we have an amazing relationship that I'd like to think is a very hard thing to come across, but there is a small thing that has been really bothering me lately. He still looks at porn, which I know because we share a computer and occasionally he doesn't close the window or I stumble across it in some other way (I try my best not to snoop). I know that it shouldn't be a big deal because men like to look at porn, and I know he loves me and everything, but now that we live together we have sex practically every other day, and it's certainly enjoyable and he's certainly being satisfied. I don't understand why he would want to jerk off when he knows I would be perfectly willing to have sex with him, or when we have sex so often anyway! I try not to let it get to me, but the fact is that it really hurts my feelings. I've never been controlling of him, and he's never been controlling of me, so I don't want to tell him he isn't "allowed" to anymore. It just really gets me down sometimes. From a guy's perspective, do you think I'm being unreasonable? What can I do to not take this to heart so much?
Daniel says...
I don't want to preach about whether or not your boyfriend should or should not look at porn. The determination about whether it's something either of you are interested in is up to the two of you. You need to decide whether or not you are okay with it at any level - and if you are comfortable with it, how much. In order to figure all this out, it is of paramount importance that you talk to your boyfriend about this concern of yours. Your boyfriend is 18 and is definitely on the upswing toward his sexual prime. Quite simply, he may want to be sexually active whenever he can get it and he may feel as though he is putting you out or being too demanding to ask you to keep up with all his sexual desires. At the same time, controlling one's sexual urges and not running to the internet whenever the mood strikes is an important lesson to learn.
Discuss this with him. It sounds as though the two of you have a healthy, functioning, communicative relationship, so there is no reason you should fear discussing this issue with him. If you don't discuss your concern with him, then the issue will fester, causing tension between the two of you. Your boyfriend may be unaware of your concern over his porn-viewing, but he certainly isn't a complete idiot. If you don't discuss the issue with him, he will sense the tension that results and likely won't be able to figure out what's going on.
For what it's worth, guys generally don't look at porn to degrade or objectify their girlfriends. If he wanted to do that, he would simply treat you like crap. On the contrary, guys look at porn because it is visually stimulating to them and for little other reason than that. Talking about this with your boyfriend will help you realize his specific motives. The two of you can then work together to find a happy medium - whatever that may be.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, jealousy, pornography
Just A Chicken? (Ask A Guy)
LindseyMarie, 19 writes...
First of all, I appreciate what you do so much!
Here's my problem. I randomly reconnected with someone from my past on Facebook. We began talking a little bit on there and exchanged numbers. We had been talking constantly for a few days - being really flirty, etc. Tuesday evening he just stopped texting me. He texted me to ask if I had a good nap at 3 AM and I replied and asked him why he was awake. He replied to that text around 6 in the morning and I haven't heard from him since.
I sent him one text yesterday that just said "Hey." But I got no answer. Tuesday he asked me on a date for this weekend.
Should I just assume the date is off? Should I try to contact him anymore? Thanks!
Daniel says...
Under normal circumstances, I would suggest simply forgetting about this guy. A lack of contact equals a lack of interest and any guy who refuses to return messages is sending a very clear unspoken message that his interest is not there. In my book, if a guy asks you on a date and then falls out of contact, you're allowed a reasonable amount of extra effort to re-open communication. It takes guts for a guy to ask a girl on a date. There's a risk of being rejected and the simple act of asking someone on a date is an indication of some level of interest. Guys don't just ask girls on dates as a joke. So to that end, you're allowed to go beyond a "normal" amount of effort to get back in touch with him. You never know what might have happened - he may have had a family emergency, he may have come down with the flu, or he may have changed his mind. Either way, the fact that he indicated some level fo interest gives you the right to find out why he is no longer talking to you.
If you cannot get in touch with him at all, then assume he changed his mind and was too chicken to actually say anything. If that does end up happening, it's time to forget about him and make yourself available for a guy who decides he respects his potential girlfriends enough to tell them when he is canceling plans.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, canceling plans