Cheating
Still Faithful? (Ask A Guy)
Lori, 36 from Ontario writes...
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I have a daughter and she and him get along great. But the romance has died in our relationship. He isn't interested in having sexual relations with me unless my daughter is at her dad's (about every two weeks). He kisses me on the lips and gives me hugs but hasn't seemed interested in anything more. I was suspicious that something else was going on with him because this didn't seem normal to me. I asked to see his email and he said he would if that would prove that he was being faithful. He said that he didn't have anything to hide... I checked his email and there was loads of messages coming from dating sites and looking for sex sites. He said that it was just spam but I didn't believe him. I found out that he had an account at Adult Friend Finder but hadn't been on for a month (maybe longer, it didn't say). I asked him about it and he said that he didn't remember having that account. I deleted it for him. Then I looked into the other messages and found out that he also belonged to sex search looking for a one-on-one encounter. He said that he also forgot that he had an account there. I was really upset and tried to break up with him but he said that he opened those accounts before he met me. I feel that if that were true that he should have deleted them when he met me. He swears that he has always been faithful and that he hasn't done anything wrong. Should I trust him?Daniel says...
Ideally, you should have made your determination of whether or not he was being faithful to you based on your words and actions (and your gut instincts) rather than insisting on being allowed into his email account. Even the most committed and open relationship deserve some bounds of privacy and you essentially plugged that wall with TNT and lit the fuse. There are no longer any areas of your relationship that are off limits to one another and demanding to see his email account is essentially a one-time gig. If he is up to any questionable activities, he is undoubtedly now using a separate email account to conduct those activities and you likely wouldn't ever be able to catch him in the act. So all this goes back to what your gut is telling you. Do you trust him or not? For what it's worth, I would be tempted to believe his assertion that he hasn't sought anything from these sites in quite some time. His last login to Adult Friend Finder was some indeterminate time of more than a month ago and your submission seems to imply you have been dissatisfied with your relationship for longer than a month. I also assume there have been no noticeable changes in the last month, as you would likely have indicated any recent developments in your submission. What's more, he seems to be interested in having sex when your daughter is out of the house. Perhaps he doesn't like have sex in close proximity (i.e. under the same roof) as your daughter. If that's all there is to it, then who can blame him? Some people don't like circus clowns, others are uncomfortable with the thought of having sex while a young child is 20 feet away in another room. This indicates that his desire to have sex with you has not disappeared (as it likely would if his needs were being met elsewhere) and that his desire to have sex with you is simply predicated on a specific set of circumstances. These are issues you need to discuss with your boyfriend. If this is simply an issue of your own insecurities, then an honest, straightforward discussion will reveal that. But insisting on delving into his private life for flimsy "proof" of his propriety won't get you anywhere - and in fact it will merely set your relationship back as the two of you try to move forward and grow stronger together.Tags: ask a guy, cheating, trust, dating sites
Touchy Feely With The Wrong Girl (Ask A Guy)
Mika, 16 from Japan writes...
Hi Daniel,
I have been with this guy for a year and eight months and recently he went to a party. I wasn't there. He later showed me a picture of him and two girls. He was holding them both. Well one girl was just friendly holding. The other girl was holding him and he was touching her back. It looked like they were going out (well, a bit). Am I supposed to get mad? Can I? He showed it to me. When I asked him why he was touching her he said, "it's just a damn picture, okay?" So I was like okay. What do I do? I don't like it at all. This is not the only picture of him touching other girls. I didn't feel that annoyed until now. What do I do? Please help!
Daniel says...
The easy response is that you can react however you would like to this situation. It's your life and your relationship and if you want to be upset about your boyfriend hanging out with other girls, then that is your prerogative. And if you're a regular Ask A Guy reader, you'll know that I generally encourage people to "be themselves." After all, if you aren't yourself then your boyfriend or girlfriend may find themselves attracted to someone different than they thought. But you need to consider the message your actions give. In general it is healthy for couples to spend some time with friends and people they aren't dating. It keeps the relationship fresh and allows a couple time to rediscover why they enjoy being with one another. If you spend every available moment with your significant other things could stagnate.
It's perfectly natural to feel a little jealous when you find out your boyfriend has been hanging out with other girls. But the questions you have to ask yourself center around how much hanging out and what the environment was that they hung out in. Friends putting their arms around one another is not a big deal in and of itself, but if it crosses a certain (somewhat unknown) line into something that could be considered romantic, then you may want to consider saying something about it.
Your boyfriend clearly feels badly about his actions and feels like it was something he shouldn't have done. Telling you "it's just a damn picture" betrays feelings of guilt. As for why he showed you the pictures in the first place, it was likely that he already felt guilty and was hoping that you would react as though it wasn't a big deal. If that had happened, then he would have been off the hook. But it sounds like he probably did cross a line. You describe the contact as something like that between a couple, so you were right to be a little upset. His terse reaction to you was an attempt to control your behavior - to send you a message about what an acceptable reaction should have been and intimidate you into complying. Don't fall victim to these games. It doesn't sound like you overreacted. Be sure you are giving appropriate deference to your boyfriend, but if something seems fishy, you need to feel empowered to stand up for yourself.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, boyfriends
Do Sudden Changes In Behavior Mean Trouble? (Ask A Guy)
megaregz, 24 writes...
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year in October. At first we were having sex all the time but in the last two and a half months we've only had sex three times. I have to beg for it. He says he loves me and he's just stressed out about money. But he's coming home from work later and later and he doesn't like me going anywhere without him. What should I do? What do you think is going on?
Daniel says...
Stress is certainly a very plausible explanation for your boyfriend's sudden lack of libido. Numerous studies have proven that stress can have a depressive effect on the sex drive of both men and women. This statement is a bit of a misnomer, though, because sometimes the biggest thing that holds people back from having sex is just getting started. The vast majority of people in a committed relationship really enjoy sex once they get going - it's just getting your hormones flowing that's the most difficult part. I'm willing to bet that even when you beg, your boyfriend winds up enjoying getting the sheets sweaty with you.
Money is a significant stressor for most people. This is particularly true these days and among the mid-twenties crowd. You and your boyfriend happen to be affected by both of these drivers, so you are particularly at risk of monetary woes. Twentysomethings are often just out of school, many have mountains of student loan debt, and being just out of school typically means you don't have that awesome six-figure salary we all dream of.
There is another concerning thing in this situation, though. You state that your boyfriend is coming home from work "later and later." A sudden drop in sex drive combined with odd changes in behavior can sometimes indicate an affair is taking place. I'm not saying that is definitely the case, but it's something you should talk about with him. If he was stressed about money and had a job that paid him by the hour, this behavior would certainly be understandable. Working late would be putting more money in the bank. At the same time, he could just be swamped at work and unable to get away any sooner. I also note that your boyfriend seems to be manipulating your behavior. You speak as though you have acquiesced to his desire not to have you go out without him. This type of controlling behavior is typical of sociopaths that lack self-confidence and need to control things to the nth degree in order to feel okay with life.
Based on your brief description of his behavior, I cannot say for sure whether your boyfriend is coming home late because he is cheating or whether there are other causes in play. The key here is to open up a dialogue with your boyfriend about his behavior. Point out how his behavior has changed and explain to him that you are concerned for him. You have no specific proof that he has cheated, so don't accuse him but don't be afraid to indicate that his behavior makes you worry that he could be cheating. This is not paranoia - you have every reason to be concerned based on his actions. It could be that his behavior is just strange for no reason but until you confront him about it, you never really can know.
Tags: sex, ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, stress
Commitment Should Be Mandatory (Ask A Guy)
gallie, 36 writes...
Hi Daniel,
Does it matter that I'm not a teen? I hope not, because I still need advice. I've been intimate with a good friend of mine for the last three years. Since this time, he has found a girl friend and they now live together. Our relationship has been going ever since with only one six-month break. The break was on my part, as I was trying to resist the temptation. I failed and now we are going stronger than in the past. One recent evening involved him video recording our encounter. I am nuts, is he nuts? Can you explain this from a male perspective?
Daniel says...
Thanks for your submission, Gallie, and Ask A Guy isn't just for teens. While questions from girls in their teens and early twenties make up the majority of our audience, I have answered questions from people ranging in age from 8 to 60.
Quite simply, the male perspective on this situation is "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" In his mind, he has a "good thing" going with you. He has no strings attached sex (even getting to star in his own porn films) and, in addition, he has a girlfriend waiting at home for more of the same. Put your "misogynistic male" hat on and think about what he might find wrong with that.
Wait for it.
Oh, there we go! Sex with his live-in girlfriend and his mistress might not be enough! And if it is enough now, what's to say it will be in the future? He has already proven he has no qualms about cheating on his girlfriend, so what's to stop him from running around with a third girl? Or a fourth? You get the picture. Most guys are genuinely nice guys who want to make their girlfriend (note: singular) truly happy. But some guys move through their lives unable to see past the end of their own nose and consequently spend their time seeking only to fulfill their carnal desires with no regard for the feelings of the people they may be hurting. You have undoubtedly found one of those guys.
Unfortunately, guys like this do little more than go through the motions. A truly healthy relationship is committed, involves only two people, and requires the sacrifice of giving yourself completely to someone and trusting that person will not hurt you. In your current relationship, you have none of these things. As a result, you are constantly on guard - a fact proven by your recent break in which you questioned the propriety of your relationship. Being on guard results in you never truly being "yourself." If you're never yourself in a relationship, then you'll never give your partner an accurate depiction of who you are or what you are looking for.
This guy may be quite the charmer - many cheating guys are - but he's not giving you what you need from a relationship and your reconsideration a few months ago was a very good indication that things just aren't quite right.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, commitment, the mind of a cheater
Keep Your Pants On (And Your BAC Low) (Ask A Guy)
Candice, 18 from United States writes...
So when I was drunk a guy felt me up, fingered me, stripped me down, etc. There was no kissing, just taking advantage of me on his part. Do I need to tell my boyfriend? Is it cheating? I didn't want it to happen and I feel really degraded.
Daniel says...
In the most literal sense of the word, what you did isn't cheating. Cheating implies that you wanted something to happen or pursued something with another person. In your case, you clearly didn't want this to happen. However, you definitely put yourself in the position to be violated. You certainly didn't ask the guy to take off your clothes and take advantage of you, but you definitely need to be more careful. If I were you, I would do three things.
- Tell your boyfriend about what happened. If you are serious about your relationship with your boyfriend, then this isn't something that should be kept from him. He has every right to know when something like this happens. Might he react negatively and decide he no longer wants to be with you? It is certainly possible. But think how you would feel if the tables were turned. Say your boyfriend was taken advantage of and didn't tell you. Then fast forward several months (or years) and imagine that you found out. How upset would you be?
- Tell the police. You have been sexually assaulted and this guy could get in trouble for it. This is particularly true if anyone else saw what was happening, or if you told him to stop.
- STOP DRINKING. Had you been sober, it is easy to come to the conclusion that you would have been better able to put a stop to things before they crossed the line from "overly aggressive" to "abusive."
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, sexual abuse, consequences of drinking
Busy Day in Heaven (*laffs*)
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out tothe balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Fixing the Monotonous Relationship (Sex Ed 101)
Caledonian Rose, 21 writes...
Before I start my question- just want to say I think you rock! You always give sound advice and you're always come across as really nice 
now to my little trouble...
I've been with my boyfriend for two years and I love him very much but lately we've been so busy and don't live together and it's been hard to spend actual quality time together. I'm a student doing my last year at uni and snowed under with so much work. He's working full time at a supermarket, often from 2pm-10pm, always under a lot of stress from customers and management. Whenever we do spend time together it's usually on the sofa watching TV- which is nice but I can find it too repetitive and boring. Doing something is usually difficult as we're both short of time and don't have that much money to spend. Trouble is I feel like this monotony is spreading to our sex life as well; if we do have sex it's the same way and lasts the same amount of time and half the time when I hint at wanting sex my boyfriend says he's too tired from work. Which I totally understand but leaves me feeling a little unfulfilled.
So to keep my mind off things I'm going to the exercise classes at my gym a lot more. Thing is... now I'm feeling like I'm cheating on my boyfriend. I'm not doing anything physical with another guy but I started having a crush on my instructor, Tom, and I get on well with him on a personal basis; we have a chat occasionally before a class and we make a point of saying hi and asking how the other is doing. Tom's always smiling, goofy, a bit geeky and makes a lot of jokes and looks amazing during classes- especially when he's working hard and sweating (sorry if that sounded a bit gross!).
Now the trouble is when I'm with my boyfriend, whether it's cuddling, kissing or even having sex, I imagine Tom and it's making me feel guilty. To stop myself from thinking of Tom, I try not to look at him during classes and it's kind of obvious I'm not talking to him that much since I always smile at him or give a wave and have given him a hug after I came back from holiday. Please help me I feel so bad! I have a caring and sweet boyfriend who I'm attracted to so I don't understand why I'm doing this! I feel bad and feel selfish for wanting more sex. Can you suggest anything I can do to stop thinking of Tom and help put the fire back into my relationship? Lots of thanks x
Brittany says...
Thanks for the praise, it's always great to hear. I'm glad you enjoy the advice and if I may say so myself, we all are very nice!
By becoming aware of your actions and how it's making you feel - you've done the right thing by distancing yourself from Tom. I think it's totally normal to have a small "crush" on somebody other than your boyfriend, as long as it's not interrupting a relationship with your boyfriend. I think that you're feeling guilty because you know wouldn't want your boyfriend to be doing the same thing you are. That being said... how can we fix this?
Spice things up! Ask your boyfriend to set aside just one night for you. One night where he's not working or doesn't have something to do and you should do the same - just set aside everything for each other. Pick out a dinner to cook together, then go to the store to buy the ingredients and cook it together, maybe over a glass of wine? Setting the mood by starting with dinner and maybe even dessert, will most likely make you two more in the mood for each other later.
If that doesn't seem reasonable for whatever reason, suggest taking a trip to the porn shop together. After dating my boyfriend for a year, you can imagine somethings start to get monotonous and repetitive, so we took a trip together (it took a little convincing). We picked up a really stupid game, but it was fun playing it together and seeing where it led. There's a ton of other things you can look into there, such as different lubes (which gives you both a reason to just hop into bed and try it!), as well as vibrators, etc.
Sometimes guys don't realize exactly what's going on in their girlfriend's minds. They don't see that they're upset with how things are going and that the love life is getting stale. It can't hurt to sit him down and tell him what's upsetting you and that you wish things would change to be how they were. Good luck!
Tags: sex, relationships, love, cheating, spicing things up, monotony
Fool Me Once… (Ask A Guy)
Andy, 21 writes...
I have been dating a guy for five years. Recently, I went out of town for the weekend and my boyfriend kissed another girl. He doesn't want to break up and regrets what he did. My girl friend saw the kiss and let my boyfriend tell me what happened. He was really drunk and started dancing with a girl (which I'm fine with). Then the girl kissed him. Should I forgive him...or dump him?
Daniel says...
Generally speaking, I'm a fan of the belief in "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." It sounds like the tryst that took place was a minor one. Your boyfriend kissed a girl and now feels terrible about it. This is helped by the fact that your girl friend saw it happen and decided to give him the chance to tell you. Then he did just that. And judging by the fact that your girl friend knew about it, I trust that what he told you was the total truth. If he had fudged things, your girl friend almost certainly would have pointed out what seemed fishy. Your boyfriend apparently showed an appropriate amount of remorse and all these facts combine to lead me to recommend giving him one more chance. Should he slip up again, you need to cut him loose. If a guy can't control himself and constantly finds himself wanting to cheat on his girlfriend, then he should be single. It's as simple as that. Don't overthink things, make excuses to stay with him, or place blame on yourself. Even if you did do something wrong, the fact that he didn't tell you and instead decided to swap spit with someone else makes it his problem.
At the same time, you should do what you can to figure out why your boyfriend would have kissed this girl. There's a reason, whatever it may be, and in order to ensure your boyfriend doesn't do it again, you should attempt to address whatever that reason is. Are you the type that doesn't like to go out and this was his way of expressing that frustration? Did you have an argument and he wanted to simply let off some steam? Or was he just being "a guy" who was unable to control himself? If it's the latter, then it may be that he has a minor problem with alcohol. He was drunk when he made out with this girl, so it certainly seems the alcohol should play into things. The key is to figure out why he was drinking and how that figured into the equation.
But if he can't control himself moving forward, then you need to think about whether this guy is right for you. Remember once is an anomaly. Twice is a pattern.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, drinking, other girls
Immediate Reward, Long-Term Pain (Ask A Guy)
Uh Oh!, 17 from California writes...
My sister is getting married and last weekend she had a big dinner at my parents' house. After that they all went to the bar. That night, after everyone was sleeping, my sister's husband-to-be came in my room and woke me up. This wasn't unusual because we talk all the time. He sat and talked to me for about an hour when, out of nowhere, he kissed me! It might have been maybe because he was drunk?
I'm not proud of it, but I kissed him back because he's a hottie. It didn't end with a kiss, but it didn't go as far as having sex. I'm scared he's going to tell my sister and she'll kill me. But I'm also wondering if I should tell her because maybe she shouldn't marry this guy. What should I do?
Daniel says...
You are right in the fact that your sister shouldn't marry this guy. If he will cheat on his fiancee with her sister, then there's no telling who else he would be willing to bang. It's always better to find out about these things before people become entangled with all the trappings of marriage. At this point it is still possible to break things off without any serious long-term effects. If you say nothing, your sister and this guy could be tied up in divorce court (which can be very expensive) for a long, painful time.
It is good that you are ashamed of what happened. In the situation you described, it is up to you to put a stop to the situation. He may be "a hottie," but that doesn't matter. The fact is, you are 17 years old and you should be capable of controlling yourself in situations even when the immediate reward is that it could be fun. If you don't start thinking longer-term, this won't be the only serious mistake you make.
Your only choice is to tell your sister everything that happened. If it would make you feel more comfortable, you could go to your parents first and tell them. At that point, you could all sit down together and tell your sister what happened. That way you wouldn't have to face her alone. It is very likely that she will blame you initially. She will see you as the bad guy and may very well concoct a story that you created this situation to entrap her fiance. But if you truly love your sister, you need to be willing to deal with this fall-out. She needs to know what happened and she needs to know before she's married to this creep.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, cheating, marriage, awkward conversations
Honesty Is The Best Policy (Ask A Guy)
Nadine, 17 from United Kingdom writes...
I feel awful. Last night, I went out with a friend and saw a guy I know. I don't know him well; I have just seen him at work. We were talking and he kept trying to kiss me. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for more than a year, so I wouldn't kiss him back. It embarrasses me just thinking of this, but I did grab his dick through his jeans once or twice. I also didn't stop him from kissing my neck to begin with. I was real drunk at the time. I feel absolutely terrible, I mean I told him I had a boyfriend and wouldn't kiss him because of that. I grabbed his dick because I wanted to see if he was hard (I don’t know why, to be honest). I'm torn between whether to tell my boyfriend or not. I know he would be gutted, but I feel guilty. I know every guy is different, but it wasn't really a big deal. Would you want to know if it was your girlfriend or would you be happier not knowing since it meant nothing and it's not going to happen again?
Daniel says...
You screwed up. The good thing is you know it and you are showing remorse. You likely grabbed this guy’s penis because everyone wants to know what other people think of them. In this particular case, you were drunk and it was easier for you to be very forward. The bottom line is, you have to tell your boyfriend. It might not be a big deal to you, but you are also probably telling yourself that to diminish your level of guilt. It is up to your boyfriend to decide whether or not is a big deal to him. You made the mistake; the ball should now be in his court. Tell your boyfriend the entire truth and make sure to include how badly you feel about what happened.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in November 2005.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, honesty, blast from the past