Chasing What You Want
Reattachment (Ask A Guy)
Amy, 21 from Australia writes...
Hi, I wrote to you a little while ago in the submission titled "Detached Is Not Interested." I happen to be going to my home city in August, so I invited the guy I have been writing about to a group dinner. In my original question, I did the more casual "say hi if you come up" reply because, as I said, I was a little unsure where the sudden show of interest had come from. Fair enough, he may have been gauging my interest, but an email makes the sincerity a little hard to gauge as well, especially when he has a reputation of being a player. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and take the talk/emails at face value, but I do not want to be too aggressive and obvious if he is simply doing this to boost his ego and keep his options open should our paths happen to cross.
Anyway, after I sent the dinner invite he was the first one to reply back and when I say this, I mean literally within a minute (the send button had barely been pressed). I have never seen anyone reply so quickly. He would hardly have taken time to read it properly or think about it. Do you still think it is worth contacting him directly or just waiting and seeing how things go at the dinner?
Daniel says...
There is nothing wrong with being a little forward here and keeping the pressure on. You obviously don't want to go over the top with it, but letting him know you're there and (at the very least) that you want to maintain some kind of communication with him will pay dividends down the road. You are definitely right that email (or any electronic medium, for that matter) makes it difficult to gauge interest, but in this case, you are certainly not harmed by being a little flirtatious and hinting that you may be interested in something more. If things don't work out, it's not like you poured your heart out to him or completely put yourself on the line; you merely hinted at the possibility you might be interested.
I suggest you follow up his lightning-fast response with a friendly email discussing your visit. Ask him how he's doing, talk about what you're doing while you're back at home, tell him you're looking forward to the dinner, and give him a little light-hearted ribbing about his amazingly fast response to your invite. Understanding that you are a shy person and probably somewhat averse to being too forward, don't think of any of this as pursuing him. This is merely two friends having a little fun together. At the same time, you will be developing your friendship (and the seeds of a potential relationship). But if the romantic interest simply isn't there, then you won't be out anything. Since you are going to be seeing him when you visit home, that may be the best time to broach the subject of him visiting you again. Don't do it right now, because that might seem a little too interested - you just made plans to see him when you're home so don't try to do too much too fast.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, chasing what you want
Woman Up (Ask A Guy)
DisneyMe, 21 writes...
Hi Daniel! I recently "womaned up" and asked a guy I've kind of been into to the movies. Last semester we had a couple of classes together, but now only really talk through Facebook. (We didn't exchange numbers.) Anyway, he said he would like to go, but he already had plans (he had actually already told me about them earlier in the week, but I completely forgot). He said, "sorry but hopefully I can make it next time." I had given him my number to call if he decided to go, and warned him of my "dorky-ness" and choice of Disney songs for ringback tones. He assured me that didn't make me a dork, then changed his status to something about good Disney movies a short time later.
So my question is, how long should I wait before I invite him to my next outing? Or should I let him make the next move? Feel free to throw in any other advice, too. Lord knows I could use it!!
Daniel says...
First off, good for you! You saw something you wanted and weren't afraid to step up and go for it!
Since you weren't able to get together with him when you made the move, many would take the approach that it is then the other person's job to make the next move. I laugh in the face of common wisdom and say you should demonstrate your interest by asking him again. It doesn't have to be a movie necessarily. It could be a trip to the mall, a bite to eat, or even a nearby concert. Colleges frequently have free or cheap concerts. Often these concerts are sponsored by your student fees. You could also go out for a drink (since you're 21). You both seem to like Disney movies, so you may also like musicals. Invite him to the student theater production for this semester or some other production on campus.
If he can't make your next offer, then make a joke about him not being available. Ask him when he can get together with you or poke fun at his social schedule by asking when he has a space open for a girl who likes Disney. The idea is to keep things light and show him that you (1) know how to have fun and (2) would like to get together with him. It definitely sounds as if this guy likes you. His Facebook status about Disney movies was definitely in response to his conversation with you and shows that you lingered on his mind for some time after you stopped talking to him.
If he doesn't want to or can't get together with you after you make another attempt to set something up, then the ball is in his court. After all, you can't expected to put forth all the effort!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, chasing what you want