Breaking Up
Afraid of Long Distance (Ask A Guy)
sahrahbobahrah, 17 writes...
I am in a relationship of over a year right now, and both my boyfriend and I will be heading to college next fall (fall 2010). It's pretty much a given that we will go to separate schools; I want to go out of state and he wants to stay here. We've talked about continuing our relationship into college and have always come to the whole "we'll work it out" conclusion. But the thing is that I want to be single when I head to college for the first time. I've been thinking about it and I think that if we're not going to the same school, then it's just going to be really difficult to maintain a relationship back home, and I'm not willing to do that.I care about him a lot, but I just think that breaking up before we head in different directions is what's best, for both of us. My only problem right now is that I technically don't have to deal with this until almost a year from now, but I've already decided what I want to do. I would feel guilty not bringing my thoughts up to him right now because we always share how we're feeling, but I'm also scared that bringing this up now will make him think that now is when I want to break up. I want to spend these last several months with him before we head off to our different lives, but I feel that bringing up now my desire to break up in a few months will make our interactions awkward and that he'll resent me for it. I guess it's just an issue of timing. When should I bring this up? Help!
Daniel says...
First off, let's lose the pretense about wanting to do what's best for both of you. What's truly at issue here is that you decided what was best for you and in order to make yourself feel better about hurting someone close to you, you unilaterally decided it was also best for him. The truth is, there is only one person who can decide what is best for your boyfriend: and that is your boyfriend. So when you do eventually tell your boyfriend, drop the rouse that this is what's best for him and focus on what you want - that's ultimately why you're going to break up with him.
The issue of when you should raise this issue with your boyfriend is also an easy one: NOW. If you have decided you are going to break up with him before leaving for school, then staying in a relationship is pointless. One of two things will happen if you remain in a relationship. Either he will get closer to you as you remain together, making your pending separation even more painful, or he will become distant and emotionless, wasting the time the two of you could be spending with more enjoyable relationships. Not saying something to your boyfriend is the most selfish thing you can do and telling him your plan and then asking him to keep dating you is just as selfish. Your boyfriend deserves the freedom to determine what he wants to do with his relationship. Right now, he wakes up every day and decides he still wants to be with you. By not telling him about your decision, you are deciding what he will do and not giving him the freedom to look around for other relationships or remain single and get over the pain of your break up now rather than when he goes to school.
If you have already checked out of your relationship, then there's no point in staying in it, but at the same time, shame on you for deciding being single during college is more valuable than remaining with someone you love and seeing if a long distance relationship can work. The fact that you made your decision now means that your own convenience was the primary (and perhaps only) determining factor. You have absolutely no idea what the state of your relationship will be in a year. Perhaps something will happen that will bind the two of you together and make a long-distance relationship seem manageable. But you'll never know because you made your decision before even giving your relationship that chance. Next time wait until a relationship is over before declaring its time of death a year in advance.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, long distance relationships, breaking up
The New PJs and Old Relationships (Ask A Guy)
so confused, 18 writes...
First of all, I'd like to say thank you for continually updating this page daily and sometimes more than once a day. I still don't know if I like the switch that PurplePJs has taken, but since you still keep on that schedule it makes it a lot easier to still feel at home here.
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are each other's first serious relationships and though there have been some rocky times we always work them out. In August we were separated for college and are over 1,000 miles away from each other; we're in different time zones and everything. We haven't seen each other in person since then. At first everything was fine, but then we started fighting a lot when we would talk on webcam; every little thing set one of us off. We realized this problem and talked about it and now we think about what we're upset about before getting upset and that's been working out pretty well.
Anyway. On to my real predicament. I love him so much and I know that he is crazy about me, but I can't help but feel like I should break up with him. He is practically a part of my family since his own is in shambles. He's staying with my family over Thanksgiving and Christmas and I'm sure he wants to be there over the summer as well. We are different religions, but we're both fairly religious people. Though we've talked about our future, I still think it would be really hard to deal with that. And recently I just don't feel like he's my one. I don't think that the future that we talk about so much is ever going to happen. I always feel sad when we talk about it because I think that we are both getting our hopes up and will be disappointed.
I think the fact that we haven't seen each other in so long could be the problem, but if that isn't the problem then I would have to break up with him. It sounds really arrogant of me to say that if I did that, that he would die, but honestly, I'm pretty much his only ally in the world. I really do love him so much, but I can't tell any more if I am in love with him. Should I just wait until Thanksgiving to see how I feel then, or should I try to talk about it now?
Daniel says...
We certainly appreciate you sticking with PurplePJs through the change. We understand that, for our long-time readers, this is a huge change - much more significant than any of the other changes the site has undergone in recent years. But the transition to a "perpetual publication" is definitely allowing PJs to be more responsive to its readers and their needs. Columnists can post columns at their leisure and because our columnists are spread across the country and around the world, this results in a site that is dynamic and constantly updating. Plus, for the first time, ever users can comment directly on submissions. Whether you are the original submitter and have more information or follow-up information or if you just feel you have a viewpoint that can help out, feel free to comment on any article you see. It's just one more feature PJs has created that allows us to interact more closely with all our loyal readers.
As for your submission, determining when it is appropriate for a relationship to end is never easy - particularly when you are in a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are, by definition, devoid of the attention and contact that many relationships have. And when your relationship started as a "normal" one, navigating the transition to long-distance can be immensely difficult. You develop an attachment to your boyfriend, seeing him at certain intervals, and your relationship taking on a certain attitude. All of that changes when you become separated by 1,000 miles overnight and the change can be a real shock to the system.
Every relationship has its special circumstances, but yours is particularly unique because your boyfriend depends upon you and your family much more than a "typical" boyfriend. As much pain as it may cause your boyfriend, though, you need to make the decision about your future together based on what is best for you. It sounds selfish, but your boyfriend can take care of himself and someone needs to be responsible for you. Letting the fact that your boyfriend is planning to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family instead of at his own home affect your decision-making process will only make it more difficult to determine what is best for you apart from everyone else.
Having a conversation like this one ahead of Thanksgiving will only lead to misunderstandings, concern, and ultimately a decision to "wait until you're both home." The intervening two weeks would then probably be the highest stress, most uncertain time either of you have experienced. Couple that with the fact that the week before Thanksgiving is a common time for major exams. If that is the case for either of you, then you need to be performing at your best heading into Thanksgiving, not worrying about what Thanksgiving may hold for the two of you.
Ordinarily, I would not advocate putting off an important conversation like this. But something like this is always better handled in person and a short delay will allow the two of you to tackle this issue head-on. At the same time, it may just be that your time apart has caused you to "forget" what it's like to be with him. Seeing people around you who are happily involved with a boyfriend who is "right there" can make it difficult to see the value in a long-distance relationship. Rather than jumping to conclusions regarding the coming end of your relationship, you may find that the spark is reignited by your time together. See what happens over Thanksgiving and, if you are still questioning your commitment to him, then consider having a conversation before the two of you go back to school.
There is no point in remaining in a relationship that provides no benefit for you. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your boyfriend...you both deserve to be fully devoted to your partner and you deserve to be with people who are going to be fully devoted to you. But you do need to take timing (and other relevant factors) into account when deciding when an appropriate time might be to take action.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, breaking up, long-distance relationships, becoming bored
What About Love? (Ask A Guy)
Dazed and Confused, 19 from Texas writes...
My boyfriend of a year and half is a great guy. He's kind and caring. I know he would never cheat on me and he is trustworthy. I was in love with him, I think I still am, but the fact that I'm questioning it scares me. We've been fighting over stupid things a lot lately and I tried breaking up with him because I've just been unhappy for months. He begged me not to leave him and we got back together that night. It seems the only time I'm happy is when I'm actually in his presence. Otherwise, I constantly think about breaking up with him. I've also been thinking about other guys. I want to break up. I just don't know how without completely destroying him. He's been hurt really badly in the past by his only other girlfriend. What should I do?
Daniel says...
In your heart of hearts you have already made up your mind and the only reason you are writing here is to obtain some sort of reassurance that your decision to break up with your boyfriend is the correct one. Well, it is. You are already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Your boyfriend doesn't realize this yet only because he doesn't want to realize it. Unfortunately, there isn't any easy way to break up with your boyfriend "without completely destroying him." The best thing for you to do would be to be completely honest with him. Tell him what is on your mind and stick to your guns. Don't give him the chance to beg; say your piece, make sure he understands what you are telling him (with clear and succinct reasons for your decision) and then leave. He will need time to accept your decision. In the end, it will be easier on both of you if you just tell him the truth.
As he starts to synthesize what you have told him, he will start to see what was really wrong with the relationship. And that will only occur because you tell him the truth. Lying to him, placing all the blame on yourself, or sugar-coating things will only hide things from him and prolong his pain. Think of it like ripping off a Band-Aid compared to pulling it off very slowly. Which would you prefer? I know I would rather have the Band-Aid ripped off - the pain doesn't last as long and at least seems less. Plus, you will give him a chance to learn from what has happened and fix things for future relationships. It may take him a while to realize it was good for him, but in the long run he'll be thankful.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in August 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, breaking up, growing pains
Break-up Blues (Ask A Guy)
heartmisplaced, 15 writes...
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend. It was a big mistake because I love him so much and it took time apart from him to realize it. He has now moved on and is back with his ex-girlfriend. They seem happy together and it is killing me. I see them together everyday and I want him back. What do I do?
Daniel says...
You screwed up. If it was a rough break-up you might consider apologizing for anything you might have said that you didn’t mean, but ultimately you treated him like a temporary toy that you could toss away at your leisure, and his new girlfriend is obviously treating him like the best thing since sliced bread. If you were him, which girl would you choose? Ultimately though, what you should do is leave the boy alone and don’t intrude on his new relationship.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in November 2005.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, breaking up, blast from the past, regrets
He’s Just A Big Baby (Ask A Guy)
evmc12, 23 writes...
Two days ago the guy who I've been dating for three months told me we should just be friends. We both really like each other because he told me all the time that he did. We both agree that we have great chemistry together and we're really comfortable around one another. I even met his family and he met mine. Though he lives an hour away, I've made the effort of going to visit and he has visited me, too. He thinks we should be friends because I haven't had a lot of dating experience and he doesn't want to hold me back from doing so before settling down. We're both not ready to do that, though. I'm confused at his actions because we talk every day like we used to and he said he feels he's going to regret telling me to go on other dates. I'm still in college, he already graduated, and he also feels I should focus on school first. Is there hope for us or should I just move on? Thanks.
Daniel says...
Romeo doesn't appear to be terribly interested in dating you. It's really as simple as that. Sometimes guys have a personality type that makes it very difficult for them to let anyone down. You are obviously very much into this guy and he takes you at your word when you admit this to him. He isn't so interested in you, though. His behavior toward you seems interested, but that appears to be the only way he is accustomed to behaving around you. He is using code to get you back out on the dating scene and most likely hopes that by getting you on the dating scene, he can unload you without actually breaking your heart or having to deal with the possibility of an ex-girlfriend crying on his shoulder.
He sees getting you to date some other people as an easy way out; it's kind of like a different way of looking at the "trading cars" view of relationships. In that viewpoint, you should never break up with your girlfriend until you have one to replace her. In this case, Romeo appears to be thinking that you should never take your car to the salvage yard when you can probably find someone else willing to save you the trouble. Once you start dating someone else, he will become an afterthought in your life - precisely what he is hoping happens. In the mean time, he'll be nice to you and continue his little game in the hopes that you don't ask him any actual tough questions.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, breaking up