Boyfriends
Touchy Feely With The Wrong Girl (Ask A Guy)
Mika, 16 from Japan writes...
Hi Daniel,
I have been with this guy for a year and eight months and recently he went to a party. I wasn't there. He later showed me a picture of him and two girls. He was holding them both. Well one girl was just friendly holding. The other girl was holding him and he was touching her back. It looked like they were going out (well, a bit). Am I supposed to get mad? Can I? He showed it to me. When I asked him why he was touching her he said, "it's just a damn picture, okay?" So I was like okay. What do I do? I don't like it at all. This is not the only picture of him touching other girls. I didn't feel that annoyed until now. What do I do? Please help!
Daniel says...
The easy response is that you can react however you would like to this situation. It's your life and your relationship and if you want to be upset about your boyfriend hanging out with other girls, then that is your prerogative. And if you're a regular Ask A Guy reader, you'll know that I generally encourage people to "be themselves." After all, if you aren't yourself then your boyfriend or girlfriend may find themselves attracted to someone different than they thought. But you need to consider the message your actions give. In general it is healthy for couples to spend some time with friends and people they aren't dating. It keeps the relationship fresh and allows a couple time to rediscover why they enjoy being with one another. If you spend every available moment with your significant other things could stagnate.
It's perfectly natural to feel a little jealous when you find out your boyfriend has been hanging out with other girls. But the questions you have to ask yourself center around how much hanging out and what the environment was that they hung out in. Friends putting their arms around one another is not a big deal in and of itself, but if it crosses a certain (somewhat unknown) line into something that could be considered romantic, then you may want to consider saying something about it.
Your boyfriend clearly feels badly about his actions and feels like it was something he shouldn't have done. Telling you "it's just a damn picture" betrays feelings of guilt. As for why he showed you the pictures in the first place, it was likely that he already felt guilty and was hoping that you would react as though it wasn't a big deal. If that had happened, then he would have been off the hook. But it sounds like he probably did cross a line. You describe the contact as something like that between a couple, so you were right to be a little upset. His terse reaction to you was an attempt to control your behavior - to send you a message about what an acceptable reaction should have been and intimidate you into complying. Don't fall victim to these games. It doesn't sound like you overreacted. Be sure you are giving appropriate deference to your boyfriend, but if something seems fishy, you need to feel empowered to stand up for yourself.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, cheating, boyfriends
Relationships, Sex, and Moms (Sex Ed 101)
PandaBree, 18 writes...
Hey, I love the site especially this section. I mean that you girls have helped me so much, so now here I am again with another situation.
Me and my mother have a little bit more that your average relationship, meaning we are able to talk about everything from grades to boys to sex. Now there is this guy that I have been in a long distance relationship with for two years now (he has already had sex but I haven't) and he comes to visit me but my parents won't let me go visit him. Now he is like how he wants to come down here again. (He was also here this past August), so I asked my mother if he could come down here and she was like no because if you two get some alone time I know what's going to happen. So basically she doesn't believe me when I say that we won't have sex, and she keeps saying she likes him and everything but she doesnt believe that he is the one for me.
I don't know if this helps but I am 18 and he is 20 and I have known him since he was 18. I believe that I am ready for sex but I also have doubts because he has already had sex and I know that with some people once they start they can't stop. He also told me a few months ago that if I wanted to wait until we get married, he doesn't think that he could wait.
My mother also wants me to see other people that are in my area even though she likes him. I am just stuck because I want to have sex but then I also don't want my mother to be disappointed in me, and also I sometimes have doubts about him. I must apologize for this being so long this was the best way for me to put this.
Brittany says...
I, too, have an awesome relationship with my mom, similar to what you have. Even though she trusted me fully, and understood that I was going to have sex when I was ready, she wasn't ready for other aspects of my relationships. For instance, I couldn't have boys in my room and she wasn't too keen on me being over at my boyfriend's house late into the night when she knew we'd have ample amount of alone time.
As far as getting her to let you visit him, that might be tough. I know a lot of parents that kind of pull a double standard (he can visit, but you can't) and that's because they want to be able to be in more control of the situation. Your mom isn't stupid, she was young once, and whatever you say you could be doing when you're visiting him could be the exact oppoiste. But what I'm confused about is that your boyfriend has come to visit you before, but now all of a sudden your mom won't let him? Why would you have more alone time now, as opposed to not having it before, when she did let him stay? If you really want him to come visit you, you'll have to compromise with your mom. Suggest some things you think could work, and then have her suggest some things if she doesn't like the ideas that you have. Hopefully, you two and come to a solution together.
Aside from that, your mom is probably a little concerned at the length of time you two have been dating and the fact that it's long distance. If you're getting more serious, she might be thinking about how young you are and how little you've experienced. It can be tough to know "this is the one I want to be with" if you haven't experienced dating anybody else. Outside of high school, the dating life is completely different and you might realize that there is something better out there for you. I'm not suggesting leaving your boyfriend and dating somebody else to see what it's like, I'm just trying to show you how your mom might see it. Try talking to her and asking her for reasons she wants you to date other people in the area, but I'm betting it's these same reasons, even though she does like your current boyfriend.
One thing I read and was a little concerned about though is the fact that he claims he cannot wait if you wish to wait until marriage to have sex. Any boy that is worth your time is going to want to wait because he's not going to want to pressure you to do something you aren't ready for and he's not going to want to lose you over something as petty as sex. A respectful man is what you want to spend your life with, not somebody who cannot wait for you. Really, what kind of man is that? He's just a boy. Aside from that, you already said yourself that sometimes you have your doubts about him and are unsure about having sex with him... don't do something because he wants you to, do it because you want to. While having sex won't make you go crazy for it and be unable to stop (I'm sure it could be that way for some people, but the rare few are known as "sex addicts"), having sex won't make you feel any better about your relationship with him. And the guilt or disappointment that you fear your mom might have could completely ruin what would otherwise be a great experience for you and the person you choose to have sex with for the first time.
I think you might need to take a step back and look at all your relationships in your life, with your boyfriend, your mom, and last (but sure not least), yourself. You need to do what is best for you, and you alone.
Tags: sex, relationships, long distance relationships, parents, boyfriends, waiting until marriage, moms
Frequent Fellacio (Sex Ed 101)
Anonymous, 17 writes...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, and we have engaged in oral sex, but nothing further. I'm very happy with this arrangement, but for the past few months he has been pressuring me for it all the time. I hate feeling like I 'have' to do something to keep him happy, and when I try to explain to him how being intimate is different to girls he shrugs it off and tells me to 'get over it'. I don't know how to change our sexual relationship so I feel like it's not something we have to have. Help?Brittany says...
First and foremost, your boyfriend needs to understand that any type of sex isn't a right - it's a privilege. I don't want to make it sound like it's something to be earned, but really, when you think about it, isn't it? Generally speaking, something like oral sex comes when two people trust each other, as well as respect each other... and pressuring somebody to do something when they don't want to, isn't okay.
You've done the right thing by explaining your feelings towards your boyfriend, but sometimes boys can be a little thick headed and not really understand the way you think they do. Sit him down again and tell him that pressuring you into doing it all the time, makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy with it. Let him know that you'd rather do it because you both want to, not because you feel it's an obligation... it's a way to express your feelings towards each other (emotional, sexual, etc.) and by doing it all the time, it's going to lose that excitement and the meaning behind it. Don't do it just to make him happy, though. Giving in to his pressure isn't going to solve anything.
Hopefully he'll get it, otherwise he's being a jerk. "Get over it" isn't an acceptable response to you explaining your feelings. If he doesn't understand and keeps pressuring you, lose him and find yourself somebody who's much more worth your time.
Tags: sex, relationships, blow jobs, oral sex, peer pressure, boyfriends, fellacio
Crushes (Big Sister)
Serena, 12 writes...
So I've liked this guy since the first few days, since I met him. He's the most funniest, sweetest and nicest boy I've ever met. I started to get to know him more and we've become friends and everything but I want to get past that. I think he likes me too but I'm not sure and I really want someone's opinion since all my friends think he likes me but I'm not sure. 1. He made up this silly nickname for me, which he now only uses instead of my real name. 2. Today, he put his hands over my eyes and asked, "Guess Who" which is the sweetest thing to me. 3. He once complimented on my hair. "I like your halo thingie in your hair". Hahaha. 4. We had to play this game in gym, where we had to hook arms or hold hands. I really wanted him to hook arms with me but he didn't for the first few times. But as soon as gym was over and one game was left, he hooked arms with me. 5. Weather I'm walking with a friend down the hallway, he'll always come between us and be like, "Hey, what's up guys?!". Those are some of the hints I got. He also knows me very well now and we both have the same sense of humor. Sometimes he'll also randomly say my name and I'll say, "What?" and he says, "Just saying hi". And about number 5, it's usually his friend Sam when he goes in between. I'm thinking that Sam likes me...but I don't like him! What should I do about Sam and the boy I like?Ivette says...
The key to know if someone likes you (besides the hints you listed) is how he acts around other girls in your class. If he is like that with the majority of the female population, it may just mean he is very friendly and flirty. So when you're with him try to see how he interacts with other girls. If he is just like that with you then it may be true that he likes you. The thing is, boys at the age of 12-14 sometimes don't really know what they want or have. Sometimes they may act like they really like you, because they're thinking you as a great friend to joke around and hang out. They may not realize the would want to pursue something more later on. You can if you want hang out with him solo, and see how things go. Don't be afraid to do some initiation! Now about the boy Sam, I would just suggest for you to keep things friendly with him. If he tries to make a move on you just casually dismiss it and carry on. Your crush may know that Sam likes you and that's why he gets in between you guys. For now, try to be nice to both of them and flirt a little with your crush. Keep being yourself and hanging out with your crush, go to a movie or a pizza place, and have fun!Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, crushes, friends, boyfriends, middle school
Secret Boyfriend (Big Sister)
Tiff, 15 writes...
Hi
I'm 15 years old (turning 16) and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 months now. Since my parents feel I'm too young for a boyfriend I kept it a secret. However, now everyone knows except my dad. Everyone, including my mom is okay with it. But I'm scared my dad will find out. He says I shouldn't have a boyfriend until I'm 18. So now when I want to go out with my boyfriend I have to lie to my dad saying I'm going to the mall or the movies with my "friends". Now my dads starting to get a little suspicious, so I was thinking of more excuses, but I don't want to lie anymore. Help please!! Thank you! Ivette says...
This is a tricky situation to deal with, but it's better for you to gradually come out clean. Invite your boyfriend over to your house, and familiarize him with your dad. You can start out by saying friends but I am sure that the more he spends time with him the more comfortable and "used" to your dad will get about him being your "friend". Talk to your dad about him! After he leaves the house you can tell your dad something fun or interesting you find about him, or how caring he is. By this, your dad will see what a great boyfriend potential he has and it would be easier of him to approve of you dating. Get your boyfriend to come to some family dinners so your overall family can get to know him. I know it may seem a little uncomfortable for your boyfriend, but it's better for your parents to know him than think you're dating a total stranger. When your parents (especially your Dad) gets familiarized with him, you can act like you really like him and talk to him about how you hope he asks you on a date or something. From this point, your dad will start familiarizing with the idea that he might become your boyfriend, so the day you tell him he's your boyfriend he won't be completely in shock about it. Parents, especially fathers, have a hard time letting go of their daughters out in the dating world. I am sure your dad doesn't want you to get hurt or anything by a guy so this is why he opposes dating until you're older and more mature. Be patient, and hopefully your mom can help you out when you do agree to tell your dad you're dating your boyfriend. Good luck!Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, dating, parents, boyfriends
Trust Issues (Big Sister)
lovegame7, 19 writes...
I have never been able to keep any kind of a long term relationship with anyone. By that I don't mean a boyfriend, because I've never had one, more like a close friendship. I'm not exactly entirely sure that it's always my fault but I do tend to blame myself. Even from as early as elementary school I would change friends every year. Any one person that I would start becoming attached to would move and we would lose touch until I started high school really. That was when I started becoming best friends with one of the girls of the group I would hang out with. That group somehow ended up splitting up and me and Jane (we'll call her) started hanging out with a new group and became pretty close until a relationship ended that ended up splitting up the group, leaving me and Jane. We, by that point, were inseparable and hung out all the time with each other. Of course we had our issues but they weren't that major until she ended up stabbing me in the back. Even though we made up, sort of, I just couldn't get myself to trust her again and pushed her away. She really was my first true best friend. After that I became close with someone else but even though we have a lot in common, it's not the same kind of friendship. Then in college I became very close with one of my roommates who also ended up betraying me but we talked and were able to fix everything and moved past it. We lived together for the whole year and one major issue with the two of us was that we are completely opposite people and I noticed that she looked down on me for our differences. Now, our first semester of sophomore year has passed and we are practically strangers. Throughout most of my life there was always one person I knew I could count on, my cousin. We lived pretty far away and would only see each other once a year but we would talk on and off when we could to fill each other in on our lives. I ended up going to school with her so that we could be closer and see each other more. That ended disastrously when one night I was more drunk than I wanted to be and did some stupid things. When I told her what happened and was very clearly upset about it, crying and everything, she told at least 2 other people about it without my knowledge. Somehow the information spread to a lot more people that I still to this day have no idea know about it. She ended up telling me that she told people and we had a huge argument via text and she ended up calling me a psycho for being mad and I stopped talking to her for about 5 months. The only reason we spoke again is because my family was going to her house and we didn't want everyone to find out about it. All I wanted was a sincere apology and she told me that I should thank her ex-boyfriend for forcing her to talk to me again because I was so wrong for being mad. I was definitely not going to do that and she never apologized but we were at least on speaking terms. After that things got really weird when she started to leave me out of things she would plan with our mutual friends. She gave me every reason not to like her and somehow managed to take the people I was close to from me. We now have a mutual dislike for each other I think although for some weird reason she comments on my facebook statuses all the time and it feels so fake! My mom says the reason I can't keep friends is because I find flaws in people that I don't like and then push them away. All of these past events have definitely affected my ability to trust people. I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep a true friend, let alone a first boyfriend. What do you think of my situation? What can I do to fix this problem? PS. sorry I gave you my whole life story, I needed to vent some of it outIvette says...
I am really sorry you have gone through a lot of troubles especially when coming from friends and family members. In my opinion, I think it's better to not trust enough rather than giving your trust easily. You have to understand that trust is not given, it's earned. Sure, you may wonder why you might be so hard on some of the people on your life, but another key concept is expectations. How high or how low are they. Some people have very low expectations, a stranger may let them borrow a pen and they automatically think they will become best friends. Some people have high ones, and unless they share a mutual sense of the world with you, you will approve of having a chit chat. There are very both extremes, but where I am getting is that maybe you may have too high of expectations for those around you. Realize that people are only humans, they commit mistakes, they lie, they back stab you and they can make you upset. Don't let those mistakes vanish years of loyalty and friendship. Forgive but don't forget. You also have to understand that as much as you want a person to be and behave, it's very unlikely for them to do so. We can't control our friends actions, and we can't expect them to be a certain way because in actuality, that's not how the world works. This is why there are so many personalities and unique characters, everyone is very unpredictable. We sometimes can't control how people behave and I think this is your biggest letdown. Don't expect too much from them because chances are you will never be happy when they don't act how you think they should. Try to be more open-minded and understanding. Some people come with extra baggage that you shouldn't bother with and some people come with different quirks you will learn to accept and love. Sure, it is possible that not having stable friendships since you were small may have affected you in some degree, but please do understand that people are people. They do things that will make you cry and smile, laugh or yell, etc. Don't get overworked on what happened with your cousin, you were great friends before she committed that mistake. People make mistakes and I am sure if she had the chance to go back in time and not tell those two people about your dilemma she wouldn't have made the same mistake. Put yourself in others shoes in that case, this may help you shed some light and maybe try to understand why people do certain things. We don't really know why she told those people, she might have been stressed and venting off with them, or asking them for advice. Don't be fast to assume that she did things with ill intentions, or anyone that has done you wrong. The key here is to give people the trust they deserve and not expect too much out of them. I'm not praising you to turn into a doormat either, but maybe be more open and accepting to people and understand that they do make mistakes. It's just up to you if you decide to forgive them or not, and how much trust you want to invest in them again.Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, friends, friendships, boyfriends, trust issues
For Those Who’ve Lost It, Want to Lose It, Are Unsure of Losing It, and In Between… (Sex Ed 101)
One thing I've noticed while I've been here at Sex Ed 101 is the amount of questions submitted that pertain to losing your virginity. Questions like, "Am I ready?" "What if I'm pregnant?" "Should I have sex with him or her?" are always on the inbox and let's face it - sex is a big deal. Especially when it's your first time.
With the help of many others, plus my own experiences, and the questions I've gotten here, I hope to put together an article worth reading if you're planning to have sex soon, already have had sex, or just want some more reading material on the topic. As always, your opinions are welcome and I'd love to read your thoughts on the topic!
Am I Ready?
So, the time has come and you're thinking about having sex. You think you're ready, but you're still not quite sure, at least not 100%. Read this checklist and make sure you answer "yes" or have a plan for the open ended questions, such as "What if I get pregnant?"
- Will I use protection?
- How will I protect myself and my partner?
- What happens if I get pregnant or my partner pregnant?
- Have I been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? Am I clean?
- If not, will I get tested? How will I tell my partner?
- Is my partner clean? Have they been tested?
- Do I trust my partner? Am I comfortable with them?
- Will I wake up tomorrow and regret this?
- Is this something I have to hide from other people?
- Can I deal with the consequences that might happen, like pregnancy, diseases, or heartbreak?
There's a lot of thinking that should go into having sex with somebody. Not just the first time, but everytime, especially if there's a new partner. If you're thinking that all your friends are having sex and you feel left out, you might find this article interesting. Big Sister, Ivette, sent along the link and it does offer some really interesting statistics. Who knew that 4% of adults are virgins, and it's up to 12% if you're a Mexican American? It's not weird or "uncool" to be a virgin in high school, trust me.
How Long Did You Wait?
Personally, I believe waiting until you're in a serious relationship is the best time to lose your virginity. It's not random, it's more intimate, and you're more comfortable (hopefully) with your partner. It's definitely the safest bet, in my opinion. However, that's just my personal belief and as we all know, this doesn't quite work out for everyone.
With asking some other PJ'ers, the majority have stated that they waited until they were ready with their significant other. There wasn't a certain time limit, as in, only after 6 months, or only after a year... it was more of a "I feel like I'm ready". Ivette states that she was 19 when she first had sex and she felt comfortable with her partner and she was mature enough to handle it, but there wasn't a time frame. She writes:
"I don't think there was a defining moment where I decided I was ready for sex. I was 19 the first time I had sex and I am pretty sure I was ready since I wasn't that young. I was more mature but even then it was a little hard to accept after it happened because I always pride myself for being abstinent versus my other friends who became sexually active in high school. I think what helped me feel ready was that I was comfortable and trusted the person I was with, if it hadn't been the case I would have probably freaked out. I think a key thing on how much I would wait in a new relationship is how much I know and trust the person, and how well the person treats me."
Kerry, 20, on the otherhand, had a slightly different experience for the first time she had sex.
"I was completely drunk when it happened and it was someone who I have known since middle school, who had been courting me but I didn't feel the same way about him. Well as everyone is aware alcohol impairs judgment and I thought that if I agreed to him that he would leave me alone about it. He was very gentle and everything during intercourse. I didn't have any pain or discomfort. However the next morning he completely rejected me. Like he woke up and ignored me as if the night before hadn't happened. I was devastated. I was 17 which is legal age of consent in Texas and I think I was ready for it, I just regret that night and having sex with that person."
She later told me that while her first experience wasn't the best, the future ones were much better, and while she may not have been in a relationship with her partners, she still had known everyone for a lengthy period of time, thus making it all much more comfortable.
Stephanie, 21, had a similar scenario as Kerry, as in she didn't exactly have an enjoyable first experience. She says, "I had just turned 17, and was dating an emotionally abusive bleeeeep. He tried to push me into having sex with him within the first month of dating, and I eventually gave in after a mere 2 months of knowing him. There was no pain, it just felt weird and not exciting at all. It wasn't so much that I wasn't ready, as I was plenty mature enough to handle sex at that point, but rather it was with the completely wrong person." On the upside of that, her next experience with her current boyfriend was much better for her, also like Kerry.
"My first real experience as I like to call it (because I wanted it too!) was with my current boyfriend, when I was 18. We didn't wait very long after dating (only a month-ish), but we had had mutual crushes on each other for the last 4 years, and had been good friends for a while, so it wasn't awkward in the slightest. It was prom night our senior year of high school, which we didn't plan for, it just kind of happened. While the excitement of the moment resulted in a rather.. erm.. short encounter.. it didn't take away from our first time together at all. There was no sense of shame, regret, or any negative feeling at all like I had been used to. Rather I felt very close to him and cared for, and absolutely brimming with happiness because of generally just how really truly "right" it felt. I think you know you've made the right decision when afterward you are quite content with your choice. And after that I finally realized why people seem so obsessed with sex!"
As you can see, everyone has had their own unique experiences and it can be expected that your first time might just not be exactly what you're hoping for. It's probably not going to be like the movies with sparks and flying colors and a mindblowing orgasm (although if it is - please write in and let me know, because you're awfully lucky and I'll tell you so!). Even though somebody else might not have had the best first time, you might be different, so don't take everyone's story to heart.
For instance, my first time was with my first serious boyfriend and we waited about 3 months, when I was 17. We dated for a year and a half total, and I don't regret anything. I was terrified the first time I had sex, but I really wanted to. We took all the right precautions, and even though I was still worried about things like pregnancy, we were always careful. So there you have it, I had a good first experience (but then again, not so good experiences with a couple of other people). It's always a risk when you do decide to have sex, you just have to accept it, or choose to wait.
If You're Waiting...
Of course, I couldn't have a one-sided article all about people that have already had sex! I also asked some people who hadn't had sex what their opinions are, since it's been so long that I can't remember what I thought about before I had done the deed (but that's what I get for growing up, hmm?).
Tanya isn't quite sure of how long she'll wait, but is sure that she'll be waiting for a long term relationship, if not marriage.
"I don't know how I'll decide when I'm ready. I'm still a virgin. I guess being Indian, I have to wait until marriage, but I'm a second generation kind of Indian, I guess, since I've only lived there until I was five. My mindset won't be the same as my parents', so I don't know if I'll wait until marriage. I know it's not going to be super soon though."
Jess, 13, also isn't sure just how long she'll wait but she has somewhat of an idea.
"As you could probably guess, I haven't had sex yet. I have no idea when I'll be ready, but if I have a boyfriend and he feels right to be with, then sure. I don't expect to wait for a certain age, if I'm with a guy it feels right with when I'm say 15 or 16 then I'll go for it.
Maybe I'm phrasing this wrong, I do care who I have my first time with and all. And of course pregnancy is a big deal but I'm too young to consider these things. I hope that when I do have sex, I'll feel OK with it all."
Julia, who is 17, is currently in a relationship but is still waiting to have sex.
"As a high school student, the pressure to have sex is somewhat high (okay, we're all just horny teenagers) but among my friends, it is actually pretty low.
My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 1/2 months and we're not doing it. Why? Well we don't have a lot of privacy or even time alone and it's really just not an interest. He had sex with his past girlfriend and it really didn't help his relationship and I don't think I'm ready. Maybe in a little while. I don't see the rush. It's definitely something that depends on the person you're with and I'm sure that he would be great about it (this boy has been one of my good friends for a number of years) but there are other factors too such as risk (again, getting pregnant/STDs) and how ready you feel personally. I mean, I don't take my clothes off for just anything."
Things to Keep in Mind
Don't let anyone pressure you. Not your family, not your friends, not your partner. It is your body and you can choose what you do with it. Even if you've already had sex, you can still say no. You can STILL say no, even if you've had sex with this person before. And you can most definitely still say no if you're dating the person and already had sex with them! There are no rules that you have to have sex with somebody, no matter what. Sex is personal and it's a choice that everyone has to make. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise!
As always, don't forget to write in with your own opinions! Disagree with me or somebody else? Let me know! Want to share your experience or let other PJ'ers know something important? Send it in! And you can always post a comment to an article (or any other submission) with your thoughts, too.
Tags: sex, sex ed 101, boyfriends, hooking up, virginity, articles, losing virginity, first times, girlfriends
When Your Boyfriend Says “No” (Sex Ed 101)
Chelsea D., 17 writes...
I have a problem with my boyfriend. I love him, and I think he's amazing person. We are both practicing Christians, but we do have sex. We've talked about it and our feelings about it and our religion, but we've kept doing it and we've always felt too close and attracted and in love with each other to be able to stop. But today he told me, "I don't know, I don't even wanna have sex with you anymore. I mean before if I didn't think a relationship would last I'd still be like, I'm still gonna do it'. Now I don't even want to." He's always been very honest with me and expressed his concerns for the future, because he graduates with an associates in may and I graduate from high school, we don't know where we're going or what will happen or how to make it work. I thought I was fine when he told me but as I was falling asleep his words came to mind and I just started crying. I don't understand, does he love me less or did the other relationships mean more or does he just find me that repulsive all of a sudden. How am I supposed to take that? I mean now he can touch me in a way with the slightest hint of sexuality and I get sick, because I know it's not what he wants or how he feels, he's just trying to make me feel better because he knows the comment hurt me. I'm so confused, I could really use any help or thoughts you could offer. Thanks.Brittany says...
Well, as much as it hurts, you have to respect your boyfriend's wishes. It's important to not let this create distance between the two of you, but you can use it to make your relationship even stronger. Talk to him about it. There has to be an underlying reason behind his feelings and he should tell you about it. Don't always think worst case scenario, like he doesn't have feelings for you anymore, but be sure to listen. It could be a comment somebody made or something he felt as far as his faith, but you won't know until you two talk about it.Tags: sex, relationships, boyfriends, christians
Teenage Sexuality (Sex Ed 101)
Wondering..., 18 writes...
Alright, so, I'll just start off straight-forward. I'm straight, as in I would never get emotionally involved with another girl, but if I'm already turned on, then I'm not attracted to guys at all. Girls don't turn me on unless I'm already horny, and I've told my boyfriend this, but he tries to turn me on anyway. I've told him this several times, but I'm not sure why it isn't getting in his head. Is it just the male ego making it hard for him to understand? It isn't uncomfortable or anything, but I don't want to hurt his feelings in telling him that I'm not wet. What should I do?Brittany says...
Your boyfriend probably doesn't understand why you aren't attracted to men after you're already turned on, yet you cannot get a woman to turn you on in the first place. I'll admit, I'm a little perplexed at your situation. Aside from that, if your boyfriend cannot turn you on and you're not attracted to him, why are you dating him? But what I'd do is flat out tell your boyfriend the whole deal and it'll probably hurt his feelings, but you need to be honest. The hardest thing will be to make the relationship continue to work afterwards, but I'm not quite sure what to advise you since you didn't really ask a question pertaining to that aspect of your relationship... Good luck!
Tags: boyfriends, sexuality, attraction, women, girlfriends, heterosexual, straight, men
Boyfriends and Best Friends (Big Sister)
Mad and Sad, 19 from United States writes...
I haven't talked to my best friend in several months. She refuses to talk with me until I break up with my boyfriend, which is where my problem starts. When I first started talking to him, she had heard from family that he had this horrible reputation (which all turned out to be untrue). I got to know him and we're now dating. Some words were exchanged over the phone between her and me. It bothers me that I'm throwing away 5 years of friendship, but I didn't do anything wrong. I never insulted her, it was always me defending my actions and his. All I want is an apology and for us to go back to normal. Is there anything I can still do to save this friendship?Ivette says...
Unfortunately, you can't be waiting for an apology from your best friend. She can be expecting one too, and until one tries to be the bigger person and tries to re-establish contact with each other you will be able to talk to her. Your friend has the right to be concerned who you're dating but shouldn't be controlling or try to make those decisions for you. I don't really know what was said when you called her on the phone but your best bet is to apologize if you may have hurt her feelings. Don't feel the need to justify yourself against her accusations, just tell her that you already made the decision to date him and that even if she disapproves, it's okay; you're not always going to agree on everything, that includes guys. Is there maybe another reason she may not want you to date this guy? Talk to her and be open minded, if something doesn't make sense question her about it. Try to be honest as possible, don't defend your actions question her and try to make sense of what is so wrong about this guy. If things don't seem to be going smoothly, politely excuse yourself from the conversation and tell her you have to go. This way she won't take it bad and you don't have to keep escalating if you happen to argue. Try to be casual but direct about things, and if she is saying the same old story, just tell her what you know about this guy and to give you as a couple a chance. You're 19, remind her of that, and that you will be taking responsible of yourself if you get hurt in the relationship, not her or anyone else. Seriously considering approaching her first, don't let your pride (or her's) destroy your friendship! Good luck!Tags: advice, big sister, friends, college, high school, boyfriends, drama, best friends, trouble, friends or foes