Boyfriend
Stop Doing That! But I’m Not Controlling! (Ask A Guy)
marie, 19 from Kansas writes...
I get kind of jealous of my boyfriend's friend-who-is-a-girl. I know this is pretty typical, but they've made out in the past (before we were dating) and she's a sloppy drunk, so anytime they're drunk together she's all over him in pictures and stuff. I'm almost positive she has a crush on him (or at least did at one point). I trust him, and I definitely don't want to tell him to stop being friends with her, but I feel like he tries to hide it from me when they hang out because he's afraid of what I'll think. How do I deal with my jealousy and maybe let my boyfriend know it bothers me when they hang out without being too controlling?Daniel says...
First thing's first: if you have a problem with your boyfriend hanging out with this girl, then there is a trust issue. Even if the girl is a sloppy drunk who sticks her tongue down the throat of anything that lacks gills, if you truly trusted your boyfriend, then you would have every confidence in the world that he would be able to push her away if she put the moves on him. If you truly trust someone, then there is no realistic situation in which you can be bothered by the thought of them hanging out with a member of the opposite sex. The only case in which there might not be a trust issue is if the two of them hang out so often that people start wondering if he is dating you or this other girl. If that happens, then the issue you seek to address is not one of trust, it's one of commitment. If the only information you seek is just for him to not try to hide the time they spend together from you, then tell him that. You should be able to sit down with your boyfriend, tell him you really like his girl (space) friend, and that you truly don't mind when they hang out together. Follow that up by explaining that you feel like he doesn't want you to know when he does hang out with her. If you describe why this troubles you and how this only causes you to question why they are really hanging out, then he should understand when you simply ask to be kept in the loop. Don't do all this and then ask him not to hang out with her, though. If you seek to have them spend less time together, then you have to be willing to tell him straight up that you are uncomfortable with the amount of time they spend together. The two potential conversations are hugely different from one another, but you cannot be afraid of confronting issues when they arise in a relationship. Whatever your relationship personality is - whether you are uneasy with your boyfriend hanging out with other girls or if you don't really care, he needs to know that. You cannot behave one way and then simply reverse course later on when things really start to bother you. Let your boyfriend get used to dating the real you and not the version of you that you think is most desirable.Crushing on a Best Friend’s Ex (Big Sister)
000, 13 writes...
My big sister is away at college and I need help! My best friend (we'll call her Jill) was dating this guy (who we'll call Jack). They broke up over the summer and now they don't see each other at all during the day. I however have several classes with Jack and I'm developing a crush on him and I'm pretty sure he likes me too. He flirts with me constantly and everybody asks us if we're dating. I would love to be able to say yes to that question, but Jill told me today that she still likes Jack. What should I do?amanda says...
That's definitely a tricky situation. Think about if the roles were reversed and how you would feel if you were Jill. Especially since she still likes him. Sometimes friendships are more important than boys. If you and Jack start dating, your friendship with Jill will never be the same. I know you can't control who you like, but are you sure that Jack is completely over Jill? It would be weird if he still had feelings for her (like she has for him). Take things slow and if he asks you, tell him the truth. You can say that you think he's nice but it's too soon after he was with Jill to be officially dating. It will be hard, but that's what true friends are.Tags: dating, boyfriend, ex, bestfriend
Friendship Woes and Boyfriends (Big Sister)
Moria, 14 writes...
I have two very best friends. We'll call them Jill and Jack. Jill almost always has a boyfriend and whenever Jack and I hang out with her, he's there too. Whenever Jill is with him, she ignores Jack and I, and even makes out with him right in front of us. One time we were at the movies and Jack and I left because Jill's boyfriend fingered her while we were sitting right next to them! We've tried to talk to her but she never listens. Jill and another friend slept over at my house for my birthday, and we decided to go for a walk. Jill's current boyfriend lives down the street from me and I really can't stand him because he's soooo rude. Jill knows I don't like him, but she invited him to hang out with us. What should I do?Ivette says...
I have a general rule I stick to: don't let significant others stop you from having or keeping in touch with friends. Jill should not be ignoring you guys because that just shows she has a lack of manners and courtesy. I find it very disrespectful from both parties (Jill and her boyfriend) to act intimate in front of you, your other friends and in public. It is not only inappropriate but it also shows that Jill doesn't care about your feelings or your other friends being comfortable. You said you have talked to Jill, but I would recommend you to talk to her again. Not a "hey I don't like your boyfriend," but an assertive talk about the way she behaves around you guys. She might get upset about it, but really you have no other choice than to lay the facts down. If you don't want to hang out with Jill's boyfriend for your birthday then don't. Save yourself from having an awkward night with Jill and him. If Jill is a good friend she will respect your decision and maybe hang out with you, if she decides to ditch you the day of your birthday, then you can see her priorities and decide if she really is a friend you want to emotionally invest on.Tags: sex, advice, relationships, big sister, boyfriend, friendships, bad friends, awkward
He Makes Me Feel Stupid (Big Sister)
anon, 17 writes...
My boyfriend always makes me feel stupid when I ask him questions. Not weird questions, but you know, questions that come up about famous people or meanings of big words. I feel stupid around him. What should I do? Does this mean we are not a good fit for each other?amanda says...
I definitely think you should talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it. Does he usually answer the question? Or does he laugh at you for not knowing? It's definitely not cool to be with someone who makes you feel ashamed for who you are. Even though you may not know more about popular culture or grammar, you probably know more than him about something else, like shoes or history. If you have a conversation about it and he still continues to make you feel dumb, then I think you need to take a serious look at your relationship. When you are with someone, you should never feel ashamed of who you are. If he is making you feel that way on a regular basis then he's not the guy for you.How Will Sex Change MY Relationship? (Sex Ed 101)
Superlove, 16 writes...
Hi guys. My boyfriend and I just had sex last week, (we were both virgins) and I'm worried our relationship will change for the worst. It's not that I have anything solid to base this assumption on, and he hasn't changed the way he acts with me at all. But, and I know this will sound stupid, I was reading some articles about the emotional impact of having sex, and I read how girls will become more clingy and needy, and guys become distant. I'm worried this'll happen with us, because I already am feeling that way. Even my best friend said she's noticed I'm a little more clingy with him. I'm pretty sure I'm worrying way too much about this, but I just love this guy so much, and I don't want this to end up faltering. How do you deal with any changes after having sex? And it IS possible for a couple to work out in our sort of situation, right? Thanks.
Brittany says...
I think you're thinking too much and looking for something wrong in your relationship. If you look for something, especially when it's specfic, you'll convince yourself you're seeing something that isn't there and that's going to cause problems. So relax!
From my experience, having sex with a boyfriend hasn't made me any more clingy or my boyfriends any more distant. And for the most part, I've never noticed my friends having these types of issues with their significant others. SIt down and talk to your boyfriend and explain what you're worried about... guys tend to pick up on things when you start acting all weird (which you will, if you're going to be thinking about what might be wrong), and it's better that you tell him what's on your mind and he can hopefully ease it and make you feel better.
Just relax and have fun in your relationship!
Tags: sex, relationships, boyfriend, girlfriend, clingy, distant
To Be Single or Not? (Big Sister)
Anonymous, 17 writes...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, and I've been starting to feel a bit trapped lately. I've been hanging out with this guy who I've been friends with for ages, and I've always had a bit of a thing for him, but always shrugged it off, since I love my boyfriend. I'm not sure if I should suggest going on a break for a little while, so then I can go out with my friends and be single for a little while, so I can figure out what I really want. I in no way want to hurt him, but I don't know if I can handle feeling like this for much longer. What do I do?Ivette says...
The best advice I can give you in this situation is to follow your heart. It would be terribly depressing if you were in this relationship when you're not happy in it. Your boyfriend will pick up on your discontent and then there will be two miserable people together when they don't want to be. Usually I would advice if someone is being tempted by a friend to leave their relationship, to just ignore the friend for a while and try to get over their crush. In this particular situation, it doesn't seem the case since you actually miss being single. What does it mean to be single for you? Is there something you miss 18 months ago? Do you think it's worth giving up this relationship for some of the freedoms you don't have right now? What exactly are those freedoms? You have to be able to recognize the risks if you do decide to take a break with your boyfriend. You have to acknowledge that there is a chance that he might not want to get back together, or that maybe you won't. Regardless, if you ask him for a break or break up with him, he will get hurt. I still do not fully understand what you mean by being single and going out with your friends. You can't hang out with your friends right now? What would be different from being in a relationship with your boyfriend and not being in one? I am giving you these questions so you can organize your emotions and thoughts in order to come up with a conclusion. If this is about another boy, make sure you weigh the pros and cons of your decision. If you're just not happy or satisfied with this relationship then its good idea to have some space in between you too so you can see what you truly want. It will be difficult for both of you but if you believe this is for the best then go ahead and do so. Just realize that you might not have a 1.5 year long relationship if you decide to take a break and be "single" for a while.Tags: advice, relationships, big sister, boyfriend, friends, single, break
When You’re Not Really Close at All… (Sex Ed 101)
Leslie, 19 writes...
When things are getting hot and heavy with my boyfriend, and he's fingering me or whatever, he always asks if I'm close... What am I supposed to say if I'm not even close to getting off, without making him feel bad?Brittany says...
Well, it'd be really bad to lie to him and tell him how good it feels when it really doesn't feel good at all. You'd probably feel terrible if he was telling you how great everything was, when it really wasn't, and then you find out after the fact. You don't need to be mean when you tell him how you feel, but wouldn't it be so much better for both of you, if he could make you orgasm?
Instead of flat out saying, "No!" try offering some suggestions. You could say, "Not right now, but I really liked when you did this, can you do that again?" or maybe, "No, I'm not, but I'd like you to try this way because that's what I really like" or even "How about let me show you how I do it?". Boys love feedback, and they love when you show them how you like it... not only will he probably be so turned on from watching you do it yourself, he'll learn the tricks of the trade and want to try it himself. And once he gets the hang of it, he'll be wanting to do it again and again and again. But whatever you do, don't spare his feelings by lying because that won't get either of you anywhere!
Tags: sex, relationships, boyfriend, orgasm, foreplay
How to Get “Him” (Sex Ed 101)
amy_rose612, 19 writes...
Hi, I just started uni and have had the problem of freshers guys - they've all been out to get as much as they can, but I'm not like that. I thought I had people sussed, but recently realized that I was wrong. I can't tell whether a guy is just after sex or not. I keep hearing about people sleeping around and then getting a completely different girl shortly afterwards as a more permanent fixture. What I want to know is - what do guys like in a girl that makes them stop wanting to sleep around and keep one as a girlfriend?
Brittany says...
I think that when a guy wants to stop his sleeping around lifestyle and settle for one girl - the girlfriend - it's not because he met the girl that changes him, it's because he's sick of his current lifestyle and wants something more permanent. I'm sure there are guys out there who would prove me wrong, but in general, that's my opinion.
That being said, you shouldn't want to change who you are or how you act to get one of those guys that sleeps around to be your boyfriend. A guy is going to like you for who you are, not who you're trying to be and those are the ones that are worth it and those are the ones that will stick around. If you're unsure of what a guy wants out of his relationship with you, don't give into the pressure of what he wants. Somebody worth your time that isn't looking for a quick fling or one night stand won't mind waiting to engage in some sexual activities with you. He'll wait until you're ready, he won't pressure you, and he won't make you feel bad for wanting to take things slow.
Tags: sex, relationships, boyfriend, boys, sleeping around, university
Blood Without a Cause (Sex Ed 101)
ioosha, 18 writes...
Okay, I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and we started kissing and we have our clothes on and everything, but when I check my underwear there are a few drops of blood even though he didn't even touch my vagina. Is something wrong?Brittany says...
This is a little bizarre. If your boyfriend isn't touching you, even through your clothes, and you're bleeding after being around him... something's wrong. Does this only happen at certain times? It could be spotting from your period. Does it happen everytime after you're fooling around with your boyfriend, or randomly? I'm not a doctor, so I can't help you much, especially without any more information besides this. I doubt a doctor will even be able to help much without asking more questions and getting more details.
Tags: bleeding, sex, boyfriend, spotting, blood, fooling around
Uprooting For Love (Big Sister)
Margi, 20 writes...
Hey Big Sister, I am so confused. My boyfriend and I (both 20 years old) have been together almost four years, and he recently moved up here to move in with me. I love it, I love being around him, and I love him. I know I want to marry him, and he says someday he wants to marry me too. But, he's been living up here for four months and he's already making plans to move back home. He's picked out an apartment that's within two miles of all his friends and family and he wants me to come with. Him and his friend want to start up a game store. The thing is, his hometown is 230 miles away and I don't want to move. I can't stand the desert (which is where it is) and with what I want to do as a career, I can't do it there. He seems to think he can't open up a store anywhere but there, so we HAVE to live there. It's making me depressed, dreading the day we have to leave this place I love so much, to be away from everyone and everything I love and the opportunity to start a career. I suppose that's what he's doing right now too. I love my boyfriend, I'd do anything for him, and I will follow him anywhere, but I want the promise of our relationship lasting forever if I do. And he says he doesn't want marriage for a while. I don't know what to do, my parents say I should try to make this place a home and make him enjoy it and not want to move. I want him to be happy, but... I don't have anything there for me where he wants to be. I don't know why we can't move to a neutral city. Is it wrong for me to say I want an engagement if I'm going to uproot myself and follow him in pursuit of his dream? I don't know if I should just suck it up and make the best of this new place if we move or try to make him like it here. The only thing his hometown has is his friends and family, he doesn't like the environment, but he loves it here and so do I. I don't understand why he'd want to leave. I think he's stuck, not wanting to grow up. It seems like he wants to be around his friends and family and start a new job, instead of starting his own family with me. I don't want to marry or have kids right away though, I just want to know it's going to happen. I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks for reading.amanda says...
This is definitely a tough situation. I think you have to take a step back and try to look at the whole picture. Clearly, you and your boyfriend want different things right now. Look at both sides: just because you have been together for four years, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him forever. Sometimes I find you can get in a mindset where you have thought something for so long (for instance, that you are going to marry your boyfriend) that you convince yourself that it HAS to happen. I'm not saying to break up with him though, I'm just trying to get you to see the whole picture. The other side is if you love him, and he loves you and you are meant to be together forever, then you should be able to come up with a compromise. Maybe if you both decide to live in different places then plan to visit each other regularly until you decide to settle down together in one area. Clearly he's not ready to settle down like you are and encouraging him to settle down sooner than he's ready for, might lead to more problems. Play it out. You are still young and even though it's not crazy for people to get engaged but I don't think you should bank on him settling down. If he wants to pursue his career, then you have to let him do so. If not, he might hold it against you forever.Tags: boyfriend, relationship, serious, move, decision, home