Attraction
In Need of Spice - But Wanting to Give Up (Ask A Guy)
Keep Trying?, 24 from Louisiana writes...
Hey Daniel! I've got a quick question. Do guys like it when girls send them sexy, flirty text messages? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years and don't have sex very often. I'm trying to try new things to spice things up, but every time I try to send him sexy text messages (which takes me out of my comfort zone a little), all I get back is, "I'm awake...I hope you're sleeping good! Love you." It kind of makes me not want to even try new things anymore if I'm not going to get the same type of reaction back. Should I just try a few more times and give up if I don't get anything back? Thanks for your help!
Daniel says...
You've recognized your relationship needs a little spice and you're doing precisely what you need to do in order to fix things...you're trying! The problem here is that your boyfriend isn't taking the bait, which is particularly troubling because it's not like you're being subtle here. Guys love over-the-top flirting whether its via text, IM, webcam, carrier pigeon, or telegram. At this point, it is probably advisable for you to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him what's troubling you.
If you're bothered by a lack of sexual fireworks, then tell him that. Tell him how you've tried to spice things up, and ask him what you could do differently. Sexual chemistry is a difficult animal to keep tabs on. It requires communication, effort, imagination, communication, desire, and a lot of effort. It's not something that can be successfully navigated by one person - it requires the commitment of both parties in a relationship. Make sure your boyfriend knows how you feel, but don't go over the top about it.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in April 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, attraction, building desire
Increase My Appeal (Ask A Guy)
I was just wondering if you had any tips or advice to help get guys to notice you and consider you more "dateable".
Daniel says...
This may not seem like it answers your question very well, but the most important thing to do is always to be yourself. Don't be someone you're not - whether that's dressing differently than you want, wearing makeup that if it isn't your personality type, behaving differently or anything else, you should seek to be yourself at all times. If you aren't yourself, you won't seem natural and guys will be able to pick up on this. If you seem uncomfortable or just off, guys will be less likely to pursue you.
All that said, there are lots of little things you can do to tweak how you come across to guys. If you aren't comfortable talking to people in large groups, you can always join a club or organization that will allow you to meet new people and because a little more comfortable dealing with people you don't know. Toastmasters is one such organization that helps you develop social skills in an accepting environment. While this type of suggestion requires you to change something about yourself, I'm not telling you to just start talking to people. Rather, I'm telling you to work on a skill that you feel needs to be addressed and then let the benefits of doing something like that work their way into your social life.
Another thing you can do is be happy. If you're happy with your life, it will show in your attitude. Your body language will be more open and accepting, you will be easier to approach, people will enjoy being around you, and they will want to spend time with you. The decision to be happy and the resulting impact on your appearance to others should never be underestimated.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, attraction
Teenage Sexuality (Sex Ed 101)
Wondering..., 18 writes...
Alright, so, I'll just start off straight-forward. I'm straight, as in I would never get emotionally involved with another girl, but if I'm already turned on, then I'm not attracted to guys at all. Girls don't turn me on unless I'm already horny, and I've told my boyfriend this, but he tries to turn me on anyway. I've told him this several times, but I'm not sure why it isn't getting in his head. Is it just the male ego making it hard for him to understand? It isn't uncomfortable or anything, but I don't want to hurt his feelings in telling him that I'm not wet. What should I do?Brittany says...
Your boyfriend probably doesn't understand why you aren't attracted to men after you're already turned on, yet you cannot get a woman to turn you on in the first place. I'll admit, I'm a little perplexed at your situation. Aside from that, if your boyfriend cannot turn you on and you're not attracted to him, why are you dating him? But what I'd do is flat out tell your boyfriend the whole deal and it'll probably hurt his feelings, but you need to be honest. The hardest thing will be to make the relationship continue to work afterwards, but I'm not quite sure what to advise you since you didn't really ask a question pertaining to that aspect of your relationship... Good luck!
Tags: boyfriends, sexuality, attraction, women, girlfriends, heterosexual, straight, men
What’s With The Change? (Ask A Guy)
Almost 30...unwillingly clueless, 29 writes...
Okay, Daniel. I have one for you. I'm sure it's common but I've not seen it on here. I'll try to be very brief.
I went to a conference out at a country estate. While I was waiting for my friend (eating a tuna baguette) a guy passed me and did a triple take to see me (while I'm in mid-chew). He went into an office next to me, came out two seconds later, stood opposite me (looking in another direction, therefore I wasn't ready); then he turned to me, walked over, and said hi. We started talking and it was great, he was giggly and I was initially confused but I'd bite so I became giggly, too. We both didn't know what to say but kept smiling. He looked like he wanted to ask me for my number but asked me if I'd come back to the conference the following day. He showed me the brochure to convince me, and then lit up when I agreed. Fast-forward to the next day: I couldn't find him because it's a huge place, so I walked around and instead of leaving without seeing him I asked the receptionist where he was. She didn't know but told me when she saw him next that I had asked.
I finally saw him (granted, he was on security duty at the time) so he walked me to my next seminar. When I asked if he'd show me around later he just said he'd be busy doing this and that, but he showed me all the things to do on the brochure and told me to have a nice day as he walked away to his post. I haven't dated in a long while, but that was really confusing. No one's ever come up to me like that before. I mean, he looked at me as if he had found gold, then the next day, he just walked away. I was going to ask for his number but as he walked away I felt so rejected that I let him go. I don't get it.
Daniel says...
I've heard of guys who are prone to changes in behavior toward girls and sudden changes of opinion with regard to who they like, but this guy's change was sudden and profound. Have you ever had a particularly good day or felt really good about something that has happened? Sometimes we allow ourselves to behave somewhat euphorically because of other factors going on--a raise, beautiful weather, a new toy, the possibilities are endless. It sounds as if this could be what happened to this guy. He was in a really good mood, thought you were particularly attractive, and decided to see if he had a chance to win you over. Who knows if that is what actually happened, but based on his sudden change in behavior toward you, it is the best explanation I can think of.
He was clearly willing to forego his job responsibilities the day before, but he changed his mind the day after. Unfortunately, guys can be fickle in their attraction and in deciding who they like. You can be fairly certain that, for whatever reason, he decided that he did not want to pursue things with you as you had hoped. At this point, the only thing you can really do is move on and be thankful you found this out early on, before you became head-over-heels attracted to him. Sure, you were interested, but you hadn't had enough time to really like him. So rather than having to recover from a mildly broken heart, you can simply go on and be ready when the right guy does approach you.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, attraction, changing your mind
Did My Boyfriend Make Me Lesbian? (Sex Ed 101)
anonymous, 17 writes...
Well a little bit about me is that I'm 17 and in my final year of high school. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months and we've had a blast together...except now. He didn't tell me that he had been talking to a girl friend of his over the summer and having problems at the beginning of our relationship about her has always been a problem. Omission still counts lying to me. So I dumped him when he told me I could get used to feeling hurt every time they hung out because he never stopped to compromise and take into consideration what I was feeling. So when Monday rolled around, I just treated him like nothing more than a semi friend. When I jumped around from group of friends to another and giving him the bare minimum attention. He even questioned me as to why I wasn't really talking to him. I should of told him right then that that is what the single life is. If we aren't dating, then you aren't a priority. A couple days passed, until finally I was just relaxing at home and my mom came into the room to tell me he was outside. I though she was lying, but when I opened the door and looked down there he was. He didn't tell his parents that he had walked to my house but he finally came around that he wanted to hear what I had to say and compromise. Things worked out and we are together now, but trusting him hasn't been easy and now I'm getting confused. I love him, but I'm starting to question my sexuality now. When I'm with him I'm happy, but away from him it just isn't the same. I don't know if it's everything that's happened that making me feel this way... I also don't know if I should tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings... I don't know if these feelings will change over time.JamieG says...
I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out exactly what your question is, but I'll give it my best shot. To the best of my knowledge and experience, breaking up with your boyfriend is not something that will "turn" you into a lesbian (if for no other reason than that nobody "turns" gay). I mean, look at it this way: If having a bad experience with a person of a particular gender was enough to cause you to no longer be attracted to anyone of that gender, there would be very few people in the world who were having sex at all, and our species would have died out long ago. Personally, I would've become a lesbian sometime during middle school, and probably would've given up on women fairly shortly thereafter.If you really are attracted to women, though - which is not at all a question I can answer for you - it is still entirely possible to remain interested in men. Most people are at least a little bit bisexual, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Also keep in mind that you're only 17. Your sexuality is still growing and developing. Maybe you're just curious about other women, and you'll realize that the attraction is superficial and nothing else. Maybe you really are bisexual, and you'll realize that over time. (That, as an aside, is why I hate labels so much. Can't a person just like/love/sleep with whomever they want, regardless of their position on what many regard to be an incomplete, limiting, falsely created gender binary? But that's neither here nor there.)
As far as your boyfriend is concerned: Do you tell him about every other guy that you're attracted to? Do you expect him to tell you about every other person he finds attractive? If so, while personally I don't think that that sounds like a very healthy relationship, you should probably tell him that you find some women attractive. If not, I don't see how it really matters unless you decide to act on those impulses, in which case it still doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship if you're attempting monogamy (which it seems like you are).
About your relationship with your boyfriend in general, though, give him a chance to redeem himself if you want to, and if you think that he actually is going to change. But also keep in mind that, if it took you actually breaking up with him for him to be willing to compromise about seeing a girl with whom there is apparently some preexisting tension, is that something that's going to repeat in the future? Is that something that you're willing to put up with?
Tags: relationships, sexuality, attraction, sex ed, homosexuality