Ask A Guy
“Quite Serious” (Ask A Guy)
Cassie, 13 from Australia
Hey Daniel! I'm sorry to bother you, but this is quite serious. I heard you advised Leah. She's one of my good friends. Well Jason (the boy she likes) seemed to like her a bit. She was overreacting though about him, don't you think? I mean, it's obvious that he wouldn't really like a girl like her. She was getting really excited and stuff. Then she asked you what you thought. I'm not blaming you for what happened. Then I found out that he had a girlfriend. She's quite pretty, actually. I was really jealous. I tried to tell Leah but she didn't listen. She didn't care. Then, on the night of the play she came and talked to me. She said that she was sure that he liked her. She didn't know that I like Jason. I was scared to tell her. Then Misty (a girl who doesn't like me) told her that I was after him. Jason doesn't really hang out with me much. Not like he does with Leah. But he's cold toward her now because she asked him out and he turned her down. So what should I do? I really like Jason, I mean really like! But I don't think I have a chance with him. What do you think?Daniel's advice:
I think it's a foregone conclusion that you stand less of a chance with Jason than Leah does. Aside from the fact that you're the same age as Leah (a reason I cited to her as something that complicates a potential relationship) and the fact that he doesn't really talk to you, some of the statements you make are downright petty and judgmental. "It's obvious that he wouldn't really like a girl like her." What is that supposed to mean? It sounds as though you're looking down your nose at Leah and, whether or not you are, phrasing it like that will give others the impression that you do. It would be best for both you and Leah to try to find a guy (preferably a different one for each of you) that is closer to your own age.Tags: ask a guy, obsessive friends, tangled relationship webs, passing judgment
Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Period Gone? (Sex Ed 101)
louuuu, 16 writes...
I am kind of worried that I haven't had a period for about 4 months. I'm usually fairly light anyway, and also they were around once every 5 or 6 weeks. Then exam time came and they stopped, which was okay because I just thought that it was the stress and once I was done it would come back. Exams have been over for almost 2 months and I have stayed the same weight, everything. I have pretty much exhausted every possibility and now am wondering what conditions have missing periods as a symptom. Just so you know I am not and have never been sexually active. Thanks!
Janet says...
So, your period is late? Don't fret too much. You're not stressed anymore, so we'll cross that off the list. We'll cross off weight gain or loss, too since you said that hasn't changed. And you're not sexually active so we can nix that, as well. This leaves us with: illness, change in schedules (are you sleeping at different times?), or a change in medications (taking a new pill or vitamin?). Excessive exercise can really mess up your schedule - I was always getting surprised by the times my period would come when I was heavily involved in high school sports. Other than these reasons, there are the rarer possibilities such as tumors, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), or a hormonal imbalance. Since this seems a little abnormal for you, I suggest talking to your mom and possibly setting up an appointment with a gynecologist to get things sorted and under control.
Tags: ask a guy
Summer Date Ideas (Ask A Guy)
Now that summer is fully upon us, it seems appropriate to investigate the myriad summer date ideas that are available for just a select few months each year. Summer is a great time of year for relationships, because all the indoor activities that are available during the winter are still available, but a boatload of outdoor activities are out there, too. In fact, with the exception of a few cold weather activities (snowshoeing, anyone?) it is difficult to come up with too many things you can't do during the summer that are available during the winter.
Perhaps the most difficult or stressful thing about planning a date is the money involved. Most jobs for teenagers and early twentysomethings don't pay particularly well and, given the current state of the economy, it’s silly to fault anyone for watching their money a bit more tightly than you have in the past. But fear not, dear readers! Whether you're all about the Roosevelts, the Hamiltons, the Benjamins, or somewhere in between we have date ideas for you!
Free
A great free date idea is to take advantage of some of the natural wonders that are all around us. For readers in the United States, there are state parks spread literally all over. It's tough to miss them. Many state parks don't charge entry fees for daytime use (only charging fees if you camp overnight) and even some national parks can be accessed without having to spend any money. Rocky Mountain National Park is one example that comes to mind. Aside from this, most areas have a county park system that opens up even more possibilities.
Find one of these parks and plan a little day hike with your significant other. The goal with all of these dates is to spend time with one another; we're not trying to reinvent the wheel here. A day hike is a great idea because it gets the two of you out together, gets you active, and releases endorphins. This release of endorphins (your body's natural "happy drug") will ensure the two of you have an even better time together. Plus, you'll be doing something that is healthy.
If you want to inject a little competition into the proceedings, do a little research before you leave. Find five plants, animals, or other critters that are native to the park you are visiting. Then play a little game: keep track of the first person to find an example of each of those five critters. Whoever finds more gets treated on your next date!
What about folks living in other countries, you might ask? In today's society, just about every country spends money on some public park and recreation system. In some areas there are even some highly impressive parks sponsored by smaller levels of government.
If you're looking for some areas you can hike, start by Googling something like "state parks [desired location]' or "free hiking [desired location]".
Cheap
Borrowing on the local park idea from the "Free" date section, a slightly more expensive (but still cheap) date idea is to find a local park and plan a picnic for the two of you. Get a blanket, Pick out a few things that you think your significant other might like to eat and put a meal together. The neat thing about the picnic idea is that you don't even need a park that's as large as that which is required for hiking; a simple city park a few blocks down the road will do quite nicely.
The old adage is quite true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If you keep a guy fed, he's generally going to be a happy guy. Is that putting guys in a box? Sure, but the box is an accurate description of the way the male mind works. And for the guys reading this, don't kid yourselves. If you've been fed, you're almost always in a better mood than if you haven't been.
In addition to keeping your guy happy, guys can't help but be impressed when a girl plans a meal (or any kind of date, really). Plus, putting together a picnic means a girl shows off her hostess skills. Every guy wants a girl he can "take home to mom" and the ability to entertain your guy for a couple hours definitely helps fill that image in his mind.
Last, but certainly not least, any meal a guy doesn't have to think about or plan himself is a meal that makes him a very happy camper!
Moderate
In many parts of the country, summer means one thing: state fair time! Even if your state fair isn't near your area of the state, every county has a local fair at some point during the summer and some places, county fairs are every bit as good (or better) than the state fairs.
For a moderate entry fee, your state or county fair provides hours upon hours of entertainment. There are exhibits, product demonstrations, flea markets, grandstand shows, and all kinds of crazy contests and competitions that can keep you busy for days.
Some fairs even have nightly stock car racing and horse racing. And there's something strangely exciting about watching a bunch of junky-looking cars run around a dirt race track smacking into one another over and over and over again.
Of course, what's a fair without fair food?! The food is relatively inexpensive and you can find just about anything you might want (mac and cheese on a stick, anyone?). Spend a day walking around, doing a little people-watching, gorging yourself on unhealthy (but oh, so good) food, and close the night out with a show or concert...what an exciting day!
And for those of you who don't have a state or county fair nearby, there are almost always local festivals. For example, Enderlin, North Dakota is home to the Annual Sunflower Festival.
Expensive
For those looking to spend a little more money, summer is a great time for outdoor concerts. Imagine sitting outside on a warm summer evening, with a light breeze blowing through a beautiful amphitheater. Onto the stage below you walks one of your favorite artists who proceeds to jam out for two hours or more. What a great evening!
There are many great bands out there that perform in summer tours - and some of the tours perform exclusively at outdoor venues. Dave Matthews Band is a prime example. For about 15 years, Dave Matthews Band has toured the country performing at outdoor amphitheaters at nearly every stop. If country is more your thing, Brad Paisley is another artist who performs a significant number of summer shows at outdoor venues - and despite your feelings about country music, watching Brad Paisley play the guitar is worth the price of admission itself!
If you decide to go to an outdoor concert, take a couple bottles of water with you (and don't open them before you get inside the venue). Most places will check bags these days and will confiscate any already-open containers, regardless of their contents. Make sure to check the beverage policy for the venue to see if you are going to be able to bring your own refreshments or if you'll have to pony up for the water they sell inside the gates.
Extravagant
Some of you lucky souls have way more money than I did as a teenager! For those of you who are fortunate enough to have a little more money, a great summer date idea is to go to an amusement park or water park together. Get your hearts pounding on a great roller coaster or challenge one another to a competition in skeeball. If you're really competitive, pick five games and see which of you can win three of them.
If a water park is more your thing, most places have identical slides on which you could race one another. And if you're running around in your swimsuits, you have to spend quite a bit of time flirting with one another - to miss that opportunity would be unforgivable!
The key in all these suggestions is to say that, no matter what, you should not let one of the most beautiful times of year go to waste. Get out and enjoy some time together.
Tags: ask a guy, dating, date ideas, favorites
Training Your Parents (Ask A Guy)
Contrary to popular belief (or is it salacious rumor?), your parents do not actually suck more than anyone else's. And your BFF Stacy's parents aren't as "cool" as you make them out to be when you are arguing with your parents. Conflict with parents is commonplace for kids - whether you are 10, 13, or 35 - and this is particularly true of the teenage years. But how do you manage these conflicts? What should you do when you've had your fill of your parents' closed-mindedness? Stay tuned, because I'm going to be covering some common conflicts with your parents, how to manage them, and some advice for how to approach your relationship with your parents. As you'll see, it's all about mindset.
Your Parents Aren't Monsters
Let me start by saying that everyone (and I do mean everyone) has some level of conflict with their parents. Compared to other people I knew in school, my teenage years were pretty non-controversial. But with that said, I still experienced my fair share of conflicts. Regardless of what their general outlook on their kids' behavior may be, parents have certain beliefs that guide how their kids should act. At the same time, teenagers are in a time of their life where they want to establish increasing levels of individuality and self-reliance. Couple this with the fact that your parents can remember changing your diapers and you depending on them for everything as if it was yesterday and you have a ready-made recipe for tension and conflict.
As embarrassing, mean, or restrictive as your parents may be, you have to realize that they aren't trying to hurt you. Well, in some of the more twisted cases you see on the evening news, they may be trying to hurt kids, but in 99% of cases, they aren't seeking to hurt their kids. The viewpoints they have are held out of love and a desire to protect you. Fear not, though. Your opinions and wishes do matter and there are ways you can win your parents over. Sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it is as simple as being smart about how you phrase a response or request.
Getting Started
The first thing every teenager needs to realize is that "everyone else is doing it" will get you as far along as a light jog in concrete shoes. Your parents don't care what everyone else is doing or even what your friends are doing. Their only goal is to protect you and ensure that you have everything you need to succeed. If your parents object to something you must be prepared to calmly give them the information they need in a logical way without insulting anyone in order to gain any ground.
In a lot of ways, you need to approach parental conflict like something of a business transaction. Letting emotions get too involved will only muddy the waters and force everyone to defend their position to an even greater degree.
Don'ts (or "How to Lose Before You Even Get Started")
There are some behaviors that automatically stack the deck against you, so you need to be very meticulous about your behavior when approaching a disagreement with your parents. If your parents suspect you aren't being straight-forward with them, you won't get anywhere. So before you wade into the waters of conflict with your parents, keep a few things in mind.
Rolling your eyes is a big-time no-no. I've often wondered if there is some genetic mutation that occurs when puberty starts that suddenly provides the ability for teenagers to roll their eyes. I know I did it, my friends did it, my siblings did it, and quite frankly, I can't think of a time when it did anything other than royally piss a parent off.
Unfortunately, turning your back to roll your eyes won't work either. I'm not sure if parents simultaneously mutate to be able to see through teenagers' heads or if it's just really poor body language on the part of the teenager, but parents can see that, too.
Never, under any circumstances, swear at your parents. Some families are more relaxed about swearing than others, but that honestly doesn't matter. Whether you cannot typically get away with saying, "gosh, darn it" or you are accustomed to letting an occasional "shit" or f-bomb fly, swear words have a societal construct that puts people on edge when they hear them. Don't try to be the person who changes societal attitudes toward swearing - it's not going to happen. Just accept that swearing isn't going to get you what you want and learn how to negotiate without it.
If you do swear at your parents, they will immediately tense up and you will be less likely to sway their opinion. And no, it doesn't matter that they swear on occasion themselves. In the mind of a parent, it's about respect. Being sworn at by their child, someone they raised, nurtured, and provided for, is a sign of disrespect similar to Shakespearean thumb bite.
Curfew
Perhaps the most basic of all teenage-parent quarrels is over curfew. Teenagers want the freedom they feel they have earned and parents don't want their kids' grades to suffer. There is also some apprehension about the thought of their teenage kids out doing who-knows-what into the wee hours of the morning. But negotiating a curfew doesn't have to be the painful process it has been in the past.
Remember that it's all about respect. If you approach your parents with a logical curfew request - and can back it up with adequate supporting information, they will be much more likely to agree.
From the parents' perspective, it's not about the curfews other kids have. They have their own parents and their own rules, so their realities are of no significance. Think about it this way: what have you done to deserve a later curfew? Maybe you've been on the honor roll for two or three or four straight semesters. If you can convince your parents that you are managing your school work and taking care of your grades, then that will help you.
Are you involved in any extra-curricular activities that take up your time? Extra curricular activities look great on a college application, but they also take up time you could be spending with your friends. If you're staying on top of your school work and spending a lot of time in some school-sponsored activities, then you can request that your parents allow you to stay out a little later on the nights when you aren't so busy.
"Where Are You Going?"
Or, in some cases, "where do you think you're going?" Both of these sentences make just about any teenager cringe. As much as we would all like to tip-toe out of the house without really having to answer that question, keep in mind that your parents are usually responsible for your actions. No one likes to think about something bad happening (like a car crash or a party getting busted), but the fact of the matter is, bad things do happen. If something does happen and they don't know where you are, that reflects poorly on them.
When faced with this type of question, it is important that you respond respectfully and informatively. At the same time, you can still maintain some privacy. There is a fine line between telling your parents everything and telling them what they need to know.
If you're headed to your friend's house, respond with something like: "I'm going to my friend Sarah's house - you've met Sarah before "several girls are getting together to watch a movie." If your parents are particularly nosy and want to know which movie, you can simply respond that you aren't sure. If they push regarding the other friends who will be there, you can respond with a couple names of people who might be there, but by no means do you need to feel compelled to give an all-encompassing list.
The thing to keep in mind is that giving your parents some information will make you seem helpful and informative, but giving them nothing will make it seem like you have something to hide and only arouse their suspicion.
"I don't like your friends."
This statement can apply equally to your boyfriend. Just about everybody has a friend who their parents think is trouble. And parents are almost preordained to dislike their daughter's boyfriend. But this is also a situation that, with some careful planning, can be managed. When your parents look at a friend or boyfriend, they see the potential problems (behavior, grades, attitude) that are evident in that person.
In this scenario, your goal needs to be to help your parents see what is good about the person - what you like about them or what drew you to them. Maybe they are a genuinely nice person who's just a little rough around the edges. Or maybe they're really funny and their humor is sometimes viewed as being a little off-color or disrespectful.
The first thing you need to find out is why your parents don't like the person in question. It's impossible to convince them they are misguided in their opinion if you don't even know the source of their disapproval.
Once you figure out why your parents don't approve of whoever it is, try to put the focus on the positive aspects of your friend. Don't ignore the truth, though. If your friend did something bad, then you have to be willing to accept that your parents may always be skeptical of them. But if your parents feelings are simply based on an errant belief then that is something you can fix.
"You can't wear that."
Bad news first: as much as it pains me to say, as someone who is financially dependent upon your parents, you owe it to them to not wear anything they find offensive. What if you buy your own clothes? Well, if that's the case, then I say good for you, but that is not the entire picture of financial dependence. Who pays when you go to the doctor? Who pays for your car and your insurance? Who makes sure you have a roof over your head and a pantry with enough food in it? I'm guessing the answer to most of these questions will be your parents. Unfortunately, as long as you depend on them, you owe them a certain degree of deference with regard to dress.
With that said, if your parents cannot outline anything offensive about your outfit, then they owe you deference in allowing you to dress how you want. Many parents just don't understand current fashion trends. At the same time, teenagers are often known for being completely unable to realize how their clothing choices affect others' perception of them. If you walk around with your pants hanging below your butt cheeks (guys) or wearing a skirt so short everyone behind you gets an NC-17 show (girls), that is neither good for your reputation nor will it attract the kind of people that are really worth hanging out with.
The first thing you need to do when approached with disapproval regarding your outfit is find out what, specifically, your parents don't like about it. Don't taint the conversation by referring specifically to anything - keep things general and ask what they don't like about your outfit. If they respond that you are showing too much leg, then offer to compromise by wearing tights or leggings. Find a compromise that enables you to still wear your favorite item while still giving them the comfort they need.
Sometimes arguments center around little more than parental disapproval of your fashion sense. Maybe your parents don't like the "punk rock" look that seems to be dominating your wardrobe these days. Or maybe your dad is wholly opposed to skinny jeans and thinks they're the ugliest, least flattering, most fashion-blind piece of clothing ever created. When this happens, as long as your parents cannot identify anything that is truly offensive about your style, they owe you the ability to make fashion choices for yourself.
Every parent looks back through their old high school yearbooks and photo albums and wonders "what was I thinking?!?!" about at least an outfit or two. Fashions change over time and everyone deserves the ability to make whatever choices they may like, even if they will be viewed as a fashion train wreck in ten years (tight-rolled jeans and jelly shoes, anyone?). Plus, communicating this fact to your parents will show that you are humble. If you admit that, in 10 years' time, you may very well regret wearing your skin-tight jeans and electric blue eyeliner, that will show that you understand where they are coming from but that you are looking to make your own mistakes.
Wrapping Up
Settling conflicts with your parents is about finding middle ground. You can't win every argument and you certainly can't expect to come out of every argument with exactly what you want. But if you show your parents the respect they deserve and construct sound, logical arguments to support your position, it will be very difficult for them to disagree with you.
Gift Giving Ideas for the Guy In Your Life! (Ask A Guy)
I am often asked by various readers for gift ideas for their friends, boyfriends, brothers, and all manner of other guys in their lives. These questions are difficult because buying the appropriate gift for a guy is often dependent upon his particular needs, his personality, and his interests - all aspects about someone that are difficult to obtain through a simple question.
But fear not, dear readers, I have compiled a list of things to consider and some possible gift ideas. While the perfect idea for you may not be in this list, it is sure to get your creative juices flowing and give you a few concepts to apply to whatever your situation may be.
Mindset
The first thing you need to keep in mind is that you are giving a gift to someone else. Gifts are not meant to be a way to make your own life easier. Gifts are also not intended to be indicative of who you want the guy to be. In short, gifts you give are not for you and they’re not for who you want your friend or boyfriend to be. Gifts are for others and who they are. Your aim should be to make someone happy - not to make your own life easier.
Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who attempt to use gift giving to send a message to another. In fact, I would argue most of us have been guilty of this at some point in time. So check the hidden motives at the door and focus on doing something for the gift recipient.
Guys vs. Girls
Girls have a need for attention and to feel special or pampered. Flowers and candy can accomplish that. I'm not over simplifying here because women are every bit as complex as many men are. Girls want their gifts to pamper them, to spoil them.
However, when it comes to gift-giving, men's needs are more concrete. To feel special, a man wants to feel like his needs have been considered and he wants to realize that his needs are also appreciated.
The Gifts!
Okay, on to the gift ideas. The great thing is, with a little thought, you don't need to spend a boat load of money on most guys.
Clean His Car
Many teenage guys have cars. Unfortunately, most teenage guys are also clueless about cleaning them. And I mean really cleaning them. Most guys will simply pick up some trash that has collected in the backseat and take their car through a car wash and call that good. But by vacuuming your guy's car for him, he will realize just how much crud he misses with his half-hearted attempt at cleaning - and truly appreciate your gesture.
Cost:
Effectiveness: 
Bake His Favorite Treat
It won't surprise anyone that baked goods are a definite way to please this columnist. And most other guys are exactly the same way. You can make cookies, muffins, or any number of other things, but the best thing in the world is a freshly-baked peach pie. And if your guy doesn't like peach pie, then there's something seriously wrong with him! This type of gift is great because it guys will know how long you spent preparing it just for them. But when in doubt, go for peach pie!
Cost: $
Effectiveness:
Mix Tape/CD
With the advent of computers, MP3 players, and satellite radio, the art of the mix tape has largely been lost. But accompanied with the right note indicating what the songs are supposed to mean, you have a fun way to express to a guy just how you feel about him! You can give him a CD with a bunch of love songs on it or you can mix up love songs with some of his favorite rock or country tunes. Either way, give him a little note explaining that the songs you selected make you think of him.
Cost: $
Effectiveness:
Watch
In the vein of functional gifts, there are all kinds of very good options. The first that comes to mind is a new watch. If your guy has a job that requires him to look professional, this is particularly meaningful, and if you want to make it a little more cutesy, you can always engrave something on the back.
Cost: $$$
Effectiveness:
Wallet
Is your guy's wallet ratty and falling apart? Does he use a huge wallet that makes his butt look awkward and misshapen? If so, give your guy a new thinner wallet and help him "downsize." Many guys have way more crap in their wallet than they need to carry and they don't even realize it. All those reward cards and old receipts? Those can be kept elsewhere. Reward cards can be kept in the car and old receipts can be kept in a receipt holder in his bedroom. If you're worried it isn't "special" enough, you can always slide some cute coupons for a free massage, a home-cooked meal, or any number of other things inside the wallet before giving it to him. A wallet is a great idea, but a wallet with stuff in it is even better!
Most importantly, get him to invest something in the idea by explaining that with a new, sleek wallet you will be better able to grab his butt - and then do it! If a guy knows there is something he can do that will make you completely unable to keep your hands off him he will comply so quickly it will make your head spin.
Cost: $$
Effectiveness:
Flashlight for His Car
Most guys don't realize that their car is completely ill-equipped to deal with emergencies. Say your guy gets stranded along the side of the road with a flat tire. Does he have a flashlight to be able to see what's going on? The occasional flash of headlights is certainly not steady enough to provide any assistance. Get him a nice LED flashlight that is bright and runs for a long time so he won't have to worry about whether those pesky batteries have any juice.
Cost: $$
Effectiveness:
Emergency First Aid Kit
Similar to the flashlight, many guys don't have anything to help themselves if they get hurt while they're out and about. Say they're at a local park with friends and someone trips and opens a cut on their hand. An emergency first aid kit shows you are concerned about his well-being, doesn't cost a lot of money, and helps him be better prepared for whatever mischief may be around the corner.
Cost: $
Effectiveness:
Tools
This works best for guys who have their own places, but most guys (regardless of age) have some kind of tool they could use. If your guy is active in drama, he may be able to use a nice socket set for use during set strike. If you have a little more money, a portable drill would work nicely, too. Most importantly, ask yourself what he could really use.
Cost: $$$$
Effectiveness:
Motorcycle
And if you want your guy to be really happy, you can always go completely over-the-top and buy him a nice new motorcycle. Almost every guy has dreams of riding down the highway feeling the wind whip past him (wearing proper protective gear, of course!).
Cost: $$$$$+
Effectiveness:
In General
Hopefully these ideas can provide you with some thoughts to get things started. Think about your guy and what he is interested in. Walk yourself through his daily routine and see if there is anything you can do that might make things easier, more professional, or more fun. When you get right down to it, guys are actually pretty easy to buy for. Just don't get too worked up about it.
Tags: ask a guy, gift giving, favorites
Lovin’, Touchin’ ... (Ask A Guy)
Danyelle, 13 from California writes...
I have this guy friend and we've known each other four years now. Lately, every time I'm with him he always has his friend David over and they always talk to me about what they do and want to do with girls. It makes me kind of uncomfortable. But last week I started to go out with David and now that I know what he wants it kind of bugs me. He is a great boyfriend but I don't want all of my soon-to-be boyfriends to be like that. He is just so touchy - and not in the emotional way. So you're a guy, what do you think I should do? Should I take this seriously, or just forget about it?
Daniel says...
If you aren't sure you like this guy's outlook toward the fairer sex, then why are you dating him?!?! Fortunately, at 13 years old, it seems as though you have the right outlook on the relationship. You reference "soon-to-be boyfriends" in your question and, in doing so, imply that you aren't dead set on this relationship lasting forever. This is a good thing, because relationships at 13 are about having fun, getting to know people, and getting at least some idea what you are looking for in a relationship. So your current relationship has proven valuable in at least one respect: you know you want a guy with a modicum of respect for women. You want someone who is averse to discussing his exploits with women (whether real or imagined).
It's clear this guy is driven by one head - and it's not the one on his shoulders. Keep in mind that most teenage guys are as horny as a 90-year old Gila Monster. If you are seriously uncomfortable with this fact, then you have a choice to make. Either you can end things with him and hope to find someone a little less "hormonally-inspired" or you can sit down and have an honest, earnest discussion with him. You probably aren't going to completely alter his behavior (or his mind), but you may get him to back off a bit. After an extended period of behaving in a certain way, there's a chance he may come to appreciate that viewpoint. But don't get your hopes up too high. If you try to change your guy too much, he will eventually become unhappy with the way you expect him to behave.
What Does He Think Of Me? (Ask A Guy)
Jane, 21 from United States writes...
I met a guy I really liked at a club last Thursday. I feel like we could really hit it off. I gave him my number and he called and asked if I wanted to meet up. I was busy that night so he said he would call later in the week and we could figure out some time that he could take me out. Yay, right? Well, the Thursday that I met him I did something totally out of character for me. He said he would maybe meet me out on the dance floor but before he found me another guy came up to me and we started dancing. Before I knew it we were over on the couches making out when who walks by? That's right, the first guy. I guess my dilemma is this...I like this guy and want to go on this date and see where things go but will he think I am going to give it up because he saw me making out with the other guy and will assume that is the kind of girl I am? That is not the kind of girl I am and I am afraid he thinks so and that is the only reason he is interested. Let's face it, we all know what body part boys think with.Daniel says...
PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!! As I'm sure you've heard before, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And while, this guy's immediate first impression was formed before he saw you making out with this guy, the whole first night you met will congeal in his mind to form his lasting "first" impression. Unfortunately, the fact that you gave him your number and then started making out with some other guy will be a part of that impression. In his mind, this means you either have a boyfriend and are willing to run around on him or you "scatter many seeds" and see which ones take root. In either case, you can mitigate this issue by simply moving slowly (or at whatever your normal pace may be). If he is interested in sex or something other than a relationship, then he will grow tired. While this may be somewhat upsetting to you, keep in mind that you have no control over what his desires or intentions are. The only thing you can do is enter a relationship with the best intentions and hope the guy on the other side is doing the same.Tags: ask a guy, first impressions, expectations, moving slowly
Stop Doing That! But I’m Not Controlling! (Ask A Guy)
marie, 19 from Kansas writes...
I get kind of jealous of my boyfriend's friend-who-is-a-girl. I know this is pretty typical, but they've made out in the past (before we were dating) and she's a sloppy drunk, so anytime they're drunk together she's all over him in pictures and stuff. I'm almost positive she has a crush on him (or at least did at one point). I trust him, and I definitely don't want to tell him to stop being friends with her, but I feel like he tries to hide it from me when they hang out because he's afraid of what I'll think. How do I deal with my jealousy and maybe let my boyfriend know it bothers me when they hang out without being too controlling?Daniel says...
First thing's first: if you have a problem with your boyfriend hanging out with this girl, then there is a trust issue. Even if the girl is a sloppy drunk who sticks her tongue down the throat of anything that lacks gills, if you truly trusted your boyfriend, then you would have every confidence in the world that he would be able to push her away if she put the moves on him. If you truly trust someone, then there is no realistic situation in which you can be bothered by the thought of them hanging out with a member of the opposite sex. The only case in which there might not be a trust issue is if the two of them hang out so often that people start wondering if he is dating you or this other girl. If that happens, then the issue you seek to address is not one of trust, it's one of commitment. If the only information you seek is just for him to not try to hide the time they spend together from you, then tell him that. You should be able to sit down with your boyfriend, tell him you really like his girl (space) friend, and that you truly don't mind when they hang out together. Follow that up by explaining that you feel like he doesn't want you to know when he does hang out with her. If you describe why this troubles you and how this only causes you to question why they are really hanging out, then he should understand when you simply ask to be kept in the loop. Don't do all this and then ask him not to hang out with her, though. If you seek to have them spend less time together, then you have to be willing to tell him straight up that you are uncomfortable with the amount of time they spend together. The two potential conversations are hugely different from one another, but you cannot be afraid of confronting issues when they arise in a relationship. Whatever your relationship personality is - whether you are uneasy with your boyfriend hanging out with other girls or if you don't really care, he needs to know that. You cannot behave one way and then simply reverse course later on when things really start to bother you. Let your boyfriend get used to dating the real you and not the version of you that you think is most desirable.Danger Is Her Middle Name (Ask A Guy)
Elli, 19 from Pennsylvania writes...
Hey Daniel! I need an honest guy's quick opinion. I was talking to the guy I've been crushing on last night. We have hung out, messed around, and such. Last night he asked me to send him pics. I'm not a fan of "sexting," but seeing as how he's already seen my body, it wouldn't really bother me. I told him no though because I was having an off night. I felt like crap, I looked like crap, and any picture I'd have taken would have been...well, crap. And I told him that. He said "Okay. But, no matter how you feel, no picture you take could ever look like crap. Any picture of you would be beautiful because you're beautiful." Well, that's a line if I've ever heard one right? So I said to him, "you're just saying that because you want a picture." He kind of got offended. Or at least, it seemed that way. It can be hard to tell through text, you know? He said he really meant it. Do you think he meant it, or do think it was a line?Daniel says...
I don't think it matters whether he meant it or not. The fact of the matter is, you didn't feel comfortable giving a picture and he needs to be okay with that. His motives that night were clear - he certainly wanted a photo from you and he was motivated to prop up your ego in order to get one. The fact that the two of you have apparently seen one another naked and he wanted you to send him such a picture certainly indicates he likes what he sees and it wouldn't surprise me if he was speaking from the heart when he said you are truly beautiful. He is clearly attracted to you. With that said, consider whether "sexting" with him is really what you want to do. Certainly, the picture would not comprise anything he hadn't seen before. And certainly, there is the possibility no harm would come of it. But what happens if a friend is looking through his phone and comes across your picture? Or what happens if something goes awry between the two of you and he winds up being hurt? A simple text message and that seemingly innocent picture can be in the hands of friends, on a dozen websites, or even in your parents' inbox. When you send a guy a nude (or half-nude, semi-nude, or merely provocative) picture of yourself, you put all the power in his hands. You can never delete those pictures from his phone or his computer. In my opinion, it would seem that the chances for severe embarrassment are far too great for me to be willing to cast off my clothes for a quick and dirty cell phone photo session.Tags: ask a guy
New Guy - No Label (Ask A Guy)
Chassy, 20 from Maryland writes...
I have been seeing a new guy for about four months now. He is great. He calls everyday, and texts constantly. He is very nice and he makes me feel like I matter. Well, he isn't ready to be exclusive yet, even though we pretty much are. Neither of us are with other people, and the comments/pictures/statuses we have on Facebook definitely show that we are together - just without the label. He tells me that I definitely don't have to worry about any other girls. I believe him. We spend hours on the phone, and a lot of our free time is spent together. The thing is that in the past month we have started to get more physical. We haven't done anything serious, but we have just been getting a little hot and heavy. I am not going to get too close to him because we are not dating yet. The question I have is about men in general. I feel like if I let more things happen physically, he will respect me less and less. He on the other hand tells me that that could not happen, and he wouldn't pressure me into anything but he says that he "will respect me even more, because it brings people even closer," which I think is bull. I am sure that it brings people close together, but I believe it is a false closeness. Like it is just a physical closeness. Obviously I don't feel like we are ready for anything yet, which he respects. But I was just looking for some of your input on this. Also, he sometimes sends texts like, "I want you." He tells me sometimes if he is horny and even when he is drinking he has said, "f*** me" which I HATE!! I told him that I don't like any of that because I feel like he doesn't respect me at all. He had this to say: "I am sorry that I am attracted to you and I am honest." Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like he says things that are disrespectful.Daniel says...
While this guy may very well be saying things that are disrespectful, it doesn't sound like he is intending them to be disrespectful. It sounds like he's being something of a "typical" guy and he is simply saying what's on his mind in a way that is rated at least PG-13, if not R. In short, he's talking like a guy. As far as what he says, if he's trying to tell you he is attracted to you, there may be better ways he could express his feelings but it sounds like that's the basic message he's trying to send - he's attracted to you and he wants to become more physical with you. As far as the physical aspect of your relationship goes, you are handling this situation exactly right. You have certain standards dictating how physical you will be with a guy if he isn't willing to accept the "dating" label and that is perfectly fine. It's not about respect or making sure you don't give too much away too quickly; it's about doing what you feel comfortable with - nothing more. With that said, the two of you are, for all intents and purposes, committed. You are physical with one another, neither of you is dating anyone else, and he has even said you don't have to worry about him dating anyone else. If I were you, I would ask him, point-blank, what his problem with the dating label is since the two of you are essentially dating anyway. He may have a good reason or it may spark a healthy debate between the two of you. Either way, it's a good question that you are curious about and there is no reason you shouldn't be able to receive an answer.Tags: ask a guy, swearing, relationship labels, moving too quickly