Advice
How To Kiss (Big Sister)
Knowing When To Kiss
If he's bold enough, he might save you the trouble of figuring out when to smooch, but in many cases your guy won't have the guts and if you're hankering for some satisfaction, you'll have to be the one to recognize the moment and act on your instincts. How can you tell if a guy is ready to move onto smooching? Well, if you have been hanging out a lot and flirting a lot it's safe to assume he wants to smooch you. He might gaze into your eyes, position himself unnecessarily close to you, or "accidentally" touch you or brush up against you more frequently than normal. When the two of you are in a situation where a kiss would be appropriate (relatively private, maybe even a quasi-romantic location, etc.), it's time to go in for the kill.
Initiating the Kissing
Aggressive
Some guys love it when the girl saves him the trouble of figuring out how to initiate the smooch by being aggressive and moving in on him. PJer Marissa suggests that "the hottest way [to initiate a kiss] is to pull his head towards you and just go for it!"
Subtle
While the aggressive approach is great for the more audacious women among us, for most girls "just going for it" is a little scary. Most of us prefer a little more subtlety. The most subtle and effective strategy I can give you is this: Go in just for a hug and nuzzle your face into his neck just a little, perhaps even just lightly placing your closed lips on his neck. As you pull away from the hug, let your cheek brush against his and just linger a little. If he doesn't take the hit and smooch you, slowly move your lips toward his.
The Standard Smooch
Novices
As your lips make initial contact, keep your lips loose (not pursed or puckered) and just barely parted. For a short kiss, as you slowly pull away, gently "bite" his lips with your lips (don't involve your teeth yet) just barely tugging his lip a little. Follow his lead when it comes to the rest of the smooching. However he kisses is probably how he likes to be kissed, so if you do what he does, he'll probably think you're a stellar kisser. Lee_Lee reminds us that in most cases you should "make sure your eyes are closed!" When you're very intimate with someone, looking into his eyes during a kiss can be a beautiful thing, but most of the time, it's just plain creepy! Also, as Tanisha the self-proclaimed "smooching expert" states, you shouldn't wear sticky lip gloss while kissing, as it acts as glue when you're trying to seductively pull away.
Amateurs
As your individual kisses turn to make out sessions, you will begin to develop new techniques and your own smooching style. You'll figure out how you like to be kissed, and can train the man in your life to kiss you accordingly. Now you might bust out a little teeth action. Remember that unless you are a vampire, the goal is to gently tease your partner. Consequently, when you gently bite his lip with your teeth (similar to the above mentioned biting of the lip with the lips) be very careful not to bite too hard. Someday maybe you'll be into a little bit of pain mixed with your pleasure, but let's start with something a little less BDSM.
Professionals
By now, you know your way around and are ready to try new tricks! A few kissing techniques, courtesy of the Kama Sutra, are:
- Throbbing Kiss. Kiss his lower lip, ignoring the upper lip; this teasing technique will leave him wanting more.
- Touching Kiss. When your mouths first meet, gently brush your tongue against one of his lips while you grasps his hands with yours.
- Pressed Kiss. Forcefully kiss his lower lip. Hard and passionate kisses are enjoyable, but the teasing aspect of only concentrating on the lower lip makes for added excitement.
- Greatly Pressed Kiss. Gently run two fingers or your thumb over his lips, and then give him a big ol' passionate kiss. The sensation of gentle touching and forceful kissing is awesome.
The French Kiss
The tongue, one of the strongest muscles in the body, has long been misused by kissers of all sexes and ages. Everyone's idea of good French kissing is different. Anne relates that "once a guy told [her that she] was using too much tongue, and another guy asked [her] to use more." The style I have found the most enjoyable for both me and my smooching partners is to be gentle, subtle, and teasing. Different techniques that work for me are:
- Subtle Lick. As the regular kissing becomes hotter and heavier, lightly touch just the tip of your tongue to his top lip. If he's French kissed before this will encourage him to return the favor.
- Tongue Slide. Gently and slowly run the tip of your tongue along the dude's upper lip.
- Tooth Slide. When his tongue ventures into your territory, Gently and slowly run your tongue along the sharp surface of your teeth, which will just barely touch is tongue or lips.
I was surprised to find that the styles of French kissing that I find disgusting were actually suggested by the PJers! These are:
- Flexing. "Flexing" the tongue muscle during ANY technique.
- Methodical Tongue Wagging. Marissa "generally [tries] saying the ABC's with [her] tongue if it gets boring." She warns that "one time [her] boyfriend caught on and laughed at [her] for singing kindergarten songs while [she] was supposed to be 'concentrating.'"
- Full-On Penetration. BroadwayBaby suggests that you just "slip your tongue in his mouth."
- Rooting Around. David, this guy I went out with, seemed to think that the coolest way to French kiss was to stick his flexed tongue in my mouth and dart it all over as though searching for some buried treasure.
As you can see, when it comes to French kissing, one man's trash is another man's treasure. The more you kiss, the better you'll understand how you like to be kissed, and you can proceed with smooching by doing what fits your style.
The Make-Out Session
Making out is basically just a combination of different types of kisses placed in different erogenous zones. Different people have different erogenous zones (for example, some people love their ears nibbled and some people have extremely ticklish ears!) so with every new partner, making out is a game of trial and error. Some places you might try planting a kiss or gentle nibble are:
- Neck
- Earlobe (seriously, don't slobber--there is no grosser feeling during a make out session than a cold wet ear!)
- Behind the ear
- Forehead
- Clavicle (the bone that where your chest ends and neck begins)
- Bare back
While some make-out sessions might include showing your love with your hands, that content is more appropriate for Sex Ed 101 and so if you have further questions, I suggest you direct them there.
What To Do With A Bad Kisser
Throughout your kissing career you are bound to encounter some really atrocious kissers. Fortunately, kissing is a skill that anyone can learn with a good coach! Since you probably don't want to print out this article and casually slip it into your boyfriend's locker, you might appreciate these tips to train your kissing partner to smooch you the way you like it.
- Kiss him the way you like to be kissed. If you like more tongue, use more tongue; if you like to nuzzle noses, nuzzle his nose; etc.
- When he does something you like, encourage him with a soft little moan or with an especially deep kiss. Afterwards, perhaps on the phone later that week, say something like "All I could think about today was how much it turned me on when we were kissing and you just barely ran your tongue across my upper lip."
- Make subtle comments or gestures to show disapproval of certain behaviors. If he bites too hard, gasp and pull away for a second--maybe even touch your lip as though checking to see if he drew blood. If he slobbers all over you, in between kisses wipe your face dry.
- If all else fails, tell him what he's doing wrong, as nicely as possible. The most important element of any relationship is communication, and if he cares about you he will want to know how he can do a better job pleasing you. It's okay to just say "I love it when you tease me with your tongue--when the whole thing is jabbing around and down my throat it's really hard to achieve that 'teasing' feeling."
Stopping the Kissing
Eventually, the lovin' has to end. If it's not interrupted by a nosy little sister, over protective adult, or curfew, the two of you will have to cut it off at some point on your own. Usually the session will taper off on it's own and end with snuggling or hand holding accompanied with some sort of conversation. When it doesn't taper off on it's own and your lips are starting to wear out, give him one last deep passionate kiss and pull away. Smile at him and say something to break the spell of the lust hanging in the air. A joke, a giggle, some sweet compliment, or some random comment about what's for dinner will do! Moisturize your lips with some lip balm (because making out can leave some chapped lips, and chapped lips can't perform as well for your next make out session.
Training Your Parents (Ask A Guy)
Contrary to popular belief (or is it salacious rumor?), your parents do not actually suck more than anyone else's. And your BFF Stacy's parents aren't as "cool" as you make them out to be when you are arguing with your parents. Conflict with parents is commonplace for kids - whether you are 10, 13, or 35 - and this is particularly true of the teenage years. But how do you manage these conflicts? What should you do when you've had your fill of your parents' closed-mindedness? Stay tuned, because I'm going to be covering some common conflicts with your parents, how to manage them, and some advice for how to approach your relationship with your parents. As you'll see, it's all about mindset.
Your Parents Aren't Monsters
Let me start by saying that everyone (and I do mean everyone) has some level of conflict with their parents. Compared to other people I knew in school, my teenage years were pretty non-controversial. But with that said, I still experienced my fair share of conflicts. Regardless of what their general outlook on their kids' behavior may be, parents have certain beliefs that guide how their kids should act. At the same time, teenagers are in a time of their life where they want to establish increasing levels of individuality and self-reliance. Couple this with the fact that your parents can remember changing your diapers and you depending on them for everything as if it was yesterday and you have a ready-made recipe for tension and conflict.
As embarrassing, mean, or restrictive as your parents may be, you have to realize that they aren't trying to hurt you. Well, in some of the more twisted cases you see on the evening news, they may be trying to hurt kids, but in 99% of cases, they aren't seeking to hurt their kids. The viewpoints they have are held out of love and a desire to protect you. Fear not, though. Your opinions and wishes do matter and there are ways you can win your parents over. Sometimes it takes a while and sometimes it is as simple as being smart about how you phrase a response or request.
Getting Started
The first thing every teenager needs to realize is that "everyone else is doing it" will get you as far along as a light jog in concrete shoes. Your parents don't care what everyone else is doing or even what your friends are doing. Their only goal is to protect you and ensure that you have everything you need to succeed. If your parents object to something you must be prepared to calmly give them the information they need in a logical way without insulting anyone in order to gain any ground.
In a lot of ways, you need to approach parental conflict like something of a business transaction. Letting emotions get too involved will only muddy the waters and force everyone to defend their position to an even greater degree.
Don'ts (or "How to Lose Before You Even Get Started")
There are some behaviors that automatically stack the deck against you, so you need to be very meticulous about your behavior when approaching a disagreement with your parents. If your parents suspect you aren't being straight-forward with them, you won't get anywhere. So before you wade into the waters of conflict with your parents, keep a few things in mind.
Rolling your eyes is a big-time no-no. I've often wondered if there is some genetic mutation that occurs when puberty starts that suddenly provides the ability for teenagers to roll their eyes. I know I did it, my friends did it, my siblings did it, and quite frankly, I can't think of a time when it did anything other than royally piss a parent off.
Unfortunately, turning your back to roll your eyes won't work either. I'm not sure if parents simultaneously mutate to be able to see through teenagers' heads or if it's just really poor body language on the part of the teenager, but parents can see that, too.
Never, under any circumstances, swear at your parents. Some families are more relaxed about swearing than others, but that honestly doesn't matter. Whether you cannot typically get away with saying, "gosh, darn it" or you are accustomed to letting an occasional "shit" or f-bomb fly, swear words have a societal construct that puts people on edge when they hear them. Don't try to be the person who changes societal attitudes toward swearing - it's not going to happen. Just accept that swearing isn't going to get you what you want and learn how to negotiate without it.
If you do swear at your parents, they will immediately tense up and you will be less likely to sway their opinion. And no, it doesn't matter that they swear on occasion themselves. In the mind of a parent, it's about respect. Being sworn at by their child, someone they raised, nurtured, and provided for, is a sign of disrespect similar to Shakespearean thumb bite.
Curfew
Perhaps the most basic of all teenage-parent quarrels is over curfew. Teenagers want the freedom they feel they have earned and parents don't want their kids' grades to suffer. There is also some apprehension about the thought of their teenage kids out doing who-knows-what into the wee hours of the morning. But negotiating a curfew doesn't have to be the painful process it has been in the past.
Remember that it's all about respect. If you approach your parents with a logical curfew request - and can back it up with adequate supporting information, they will be much more likely to agree.
From the parents' perspective, it's not about the curfews other kids have. They have their own parents and their own rules, so their realities are of no significance. Think about it this way: what have you done to deserve a later curfew? Maybe you've been on the honor roll for two or three or four straight semesters. If you can convince your parents that you are managing your school work and taking care of your grades, then that will help you.
Are you involved in any extra-curricular activities that take up your time? Extra curricular activities look great on a college application, but they also take up time you could be spending with your friends. If you're staying on top of your school work and spending a lot of time in some school-sponsored activities, then you can request that your parents allow you to stay out a little later on the nights when you aren't so busy.
"Where Are You Going?"
Or, in some cases, "where do you think you're going?" Both of these sentences make just about any teenager cringe. As much as we would all like to tip-toe out of the house without really having to answer that question, keep in mind that your parents are usually responsible for your actions. No one likes to think about something bad happening (like a car crash or a party getting busted), but the fact of the matter is, bad things do happen. If something does happen and they don't know where you are, that reflects poorly on them.
When faced with this type of question, it is important that you respond respectfully and informatively. At the same time, you can still maintain some privacy. There is a fine line between telling your parents everything and telling them what they need to know.
If you're headed to your friend's house, respond with something like: "I'm going to my friend Sarah's house - you've met Sarah before "several girls are getting together to watch a movie." If your parents are particularly nosy and want to know which movie, you can simply respond that you aren't sure. If they push regarding the other friends who will be there, you can respond with a couple names of people who might be there, but by no means do you need to feel compelled to give an all-encompassing list.
The thing to keep in mind is that giving your parents some information will make you seem helpful and informative, but giving them nothing will make it seem like you have something to hide and only arouse their suspicion.
"I don't like your friends."
This statement can apply equally to your boyfriend. Just about everybody has a friend who their parents think is trouble. And parents are almost preordained to dislike their daughter's boyfriend. But this is also a situation that, with some careful planning, can be managed. When your parents look at a friend or boyfriend, they see the potential problems (behavior, grades, attitude) that are evident in that person.
In this scenario, your goal needs to be to help your parents see what is good about the person - what you like about them or what drew you to them. Maybe they are a genuinely nice person who's just a little rough around the edges. Or maybe they're really funny and their humor is sometimes viewed as being a little off-color or disrespectful.
The first thing you need to find out is why your parents don't like the person in question. It's impossible to convince them they are misguided in their opinion if you don't even know the source of their disapproval.
Once you figure out why your parents don't approve of whoever it is, try to put the focus on the positive aspects of your friend. Don't ignore the truth, though. If your friend did something bad, then you have to be willing to accept that your parents may always be skeptical of them. But if your parents feelings are simply based on an errant belief then that is something you can fix.
"You can't wear that."
Bad news first: as much as it pains me to say, as someone who is financially dependent upon your parents, you owe it to them to not wear anything they find offensive. What if you buy your own clothes? Well, if that's the case, then I say good for you, but that is not the entire picture of financial dependence. Who pays when you go to the doctor? Who pays for your car and your insurance? Who makes sure you have a roof over your head and a pantry with enough food in it? I'm guessing the answer to most of these questions will be your parents. Unfortunately, as long as you depend on them, you owe them a certain degree of deference with regard to dress.
With that said, if your parents cannot outline anything offensive about your outfit, then they owe you deference in allowing you to dress how you want. Many parents just don't understand current fashion trends. At the same time, teenagers are often known for being completely unable to realize how their clothing choices affect others' perception of them. If you walk around with your pants hanging below your butt cheeks (guys) or wearing a skirt so short everyone behind you gets an NC-17 show (girls), that is neither good for your reputation nor will it attract the kind of people that are really worth hanging out with.
The first thing you need to do when approached with disapproval regarding your outfit is find out what, specifically, your parents don't like about it. Don't taint the conversation by referring specifically to anything - keep things general and ask what they don't like about your outfit. If they respond that you are showing too much leg, then offer to compromise by wearing tights or leggings. Find a compromise that enables you to still wear your favorite item while still giving them the comfort they need.
Sometimes arguments center around little more than parental disapproval of your fashion sense. Maybe your parents don't like the "punk rock" look that seems to be dominating your wardrobe these days. Or maybe your dad is wholly opposed to skinny jeans and thinks they're the ugliest, least flattering, most fashion-blind piece of clothing ever created. When this happens, as long as your parents cannot identify anything that is truly offensive about your style, they owe you the ability to make fashion choices for yourself.
Every parent looks back through their old high school yearbooks and photo albums and wonders "what was I thinking?!?!" about at least an outfit or two. Fashions change over time and everyone deserves the ability to make whatever choices they may like, even if they will be viewed as a fashion train wreck in ten years (tight-rolled jeans and jelly shoes, anyone?). Plus, communicating this fact to your parents will show that you are humble. If you admit that, in 10 years' time, you may very well regret wearing your skin-tight jeans and electric blue eyeliner, that will show that you understand where they are coming from but that you are looking to make your own mistakes.
Wrapping Up
Settling conflicts with your parents is about finding middle ground. You can't win every argument and you certainly can't expect to come out of every argument with exactly what you want. But if you show your parents the respect they deserve and construct sound, logical arguments to support your position, it will be very difficult for them to disagree with you.
Stop Doing That! But I’m Not Controlling! (Ask A Guy)
marie, 19 from Kansas writes...
I get kind of jealous of my boyfriend's friend-who-is-a-girl. I know this is pretty typical, but they've made out in the past (before we were dating) and she's a sloppy drunk, so anytime they're drunk together she's all over him in pictures and stuff. I'm almost positive she has a crush on him (or at least did at one point). I trust him, and I definitely don't want to tell him to stop being friends with her, but I feel like he tries to hide it from me when they hang out because he's afraid of what I'll think. How do I deal with my jealousy and maybe let my boyfriend know it bothers me when they hang out without being too controlling?Daniel says...
First thing's first: if you have a problem with your boyfriend hanging out with this girl, then there is a trust issue. Even if the girl is a sloppy drunk who sticks her tongue down the throat of anything that lacks gills, if you truly trusted your boyfriend, then you would have every confidence in the world that he would be able to push her away if she put the moves on him. If you truly trust someone, then there is no realistic situation in which you can be bothered by the thought of them hanging out with a member of the opposite sex. The only case in which there might not be a trust issue is if the two of them hang out so often that people start wondering if he is dating you or this other girl. If that happens, then the issue you seek to address is not one of trust, it's one of commitment. If the only information you seek is just for him to not try to hide the time they spend together from you, then tell him that. You should be able to sit down with your boyfriend, tell him you really like his girl (space) friend, and that you truly don't mind when they hang out together. Follow that up by explaining that you feel like he doesn't want you to know when he does hang out with her. If you describe why this troubles you and how this only causes you to question why they are really hanging out, then he should understand when you simply ask to be kept in the loop. Don't do all this and then ask him not to hang out with her, though. If you seek to have them spend less time together, then you have to be willing to tell him straight up that you are uncomfortable with the amount of time they spend together. The two potential conversations are hugely different from one another, but you cannot be afraid of confronting issues when they arise in a relationship. Whatever your relationship personality is - whether you are uneasy with your boyfriend hanging out with other girls or if you don't really care, he needs to know that. You cannot behave one way and then simply reverse course later on when things really start to bother you. Let your boyfriend get used to dating the real you and not the version of you that you think is most desirable.Everything. That’s What’s Wrong. (Ask A Guy)
Jody, 19 from Canada writes...
Hey Daniel,
I can easily give advice to my friends and I expect my friends to have the best men in their life. If a guy treats them poorly I'm quick to tell them to move on. However, now I need someone to give me some advice! I met a guy a year ago, we kept in touch throughout the year, even though I lived in another city for school. When I came back for summer we hung out nonstop. At one point, we had "the talk" and began dating. Two weeks later he broke it off because he said he isn't ready for a relationship and, in all honesty, he wanted to see other girls, too. So we kept hanging out a lot and hooking up. I know he hasn't hooked up with another girl beside me all summer. However, all my friends are saying "run," but I don't understand why a girl can't have a hook up buddy like a guy would. I do admit I like him A LOT, more than other guys I've dated. I totally understand that he disrespected me by telling me he doesn't like me enough to see just me, but in the end what is wrong with just hook up buddies and good friends?
Daniel says...
You like him - that's what's wrong! As much as you give lip service to the idea that the two of you are just friends with benefits, "hook up buddies," or no-strings-attached sex partners, the fact that you like him outweighs all those other facts. Eventually, the fact that you like him will outweigh your "desire" for just a friends with benefits relationship. Deep down inside you want to jump this guy's bones and have him call you his girlfriend...it is simply not possible to just ignore your feelings in this regard. You can argue, question, or dispute these statements all you want, but all your stubbornness accomplishes is convincing those who are close to you that you are truly hooked on this guy and simply in denial of this fact. That is precisely why they are encouraging you to run the other way. The other thing this entire situation does is reduce the respect others have for you. While this may not be true of your close friends (they should love and respect you regardless of the decisions you make - accepting you for who you truly are), this is certainly the truth for acquaintances or other guys who may be interested in you. Think about it. Imagine there are two girls a guy is considering being with. One of the girls is an upstanding, respectable, fun girl who doesn't sleep around and makes guys work for her respect and commitment. The other girl is fun and enjoyable to hang out with but has a reputation for sleeping with guys without any effort and being willing to be in friends with benefits relationships. How is the guy going to approach a relationship with the first girl? He is going to work hard to earn her attention and affection. And the second girl? He certainly won't view her as a prize to be won...instead, he will view her as an easy target who he can put forth a little bit of effort and get an effortless roll in the hay. As for why girls are different than guys, that is simple...girls let guys get away with being man-whores. Girls want to date bad boys and don't punish a guy by refusing to date him if he as a relationship for sleeping around. If girls started respecting themselves and demanding more from the guys who want to date them, they would find that the double standard would go away entirely and the expectations of guys would be exactly the same as those of girls. But as long as girls reward guys who sleep around by continuing to have sex with them, those guys will be able to get away with it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, crushes
Lalling In Fove (Ask A Guy)
Stacey, 17 from California writes...
Hi Daniel.
I was just wondering if you've ever been in love. How did you know you were in love? I'm just curious on a guy's perspective on falling in love.
Daniel says...
Falling in love is all about finding that one person who makes you happier than you ever thought was possible. At the same time, that person needs to be someone with whom you are comfortable arguing, disagreeing, and being upset with. This is not to imply that love is filled with arguments and discord (though some may think it is), but it is simply to point out that a truly happy relationship can endure disagreement. And a relationship that can endure disagreement means the parties involved won't be scared to share their truethoughts and feelings - allowing the each person to get to know the true personality of the other person. Love is about compromise, but love is also about a change in priorities many people probably never imagine being possible. That "right" person quickly becomes your best friend and everyone else takes a backseat to their friendship. True love is about having a friend, a partner, a lover, and a best friend - all wrapped up in one package. Sometimes people ask what love isn't. Love is most certainly not about jealousy or always trying to one-up the other person. Competition is normal (and healthy) in life and in love, but when your competition is all about trying to make sure you outdo someone else simply because you can't stand the thought of them being better than you, making more money than you, or having more friends than you, then that is not love. Love should make people happy and jealousy is not happiness. True love is about being a team and being able to be truly happy for your partner (and your "team") when the other person eclipses you in something. After all, success for your partner means success for both of you. But, above all, as I said above, love is about friendship. When you can spend every day together, whether you are remodeling your house, studying, or surfing the internet without feeling bored, angry, or awkward, you are certainly on your way to being very happy and falling in love.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, love
Man of the Year (Ask A Guy)
Gale Patrice Carter, 51 from Tennessee writes...
I used to date this guy in the early 90's. He is ten years younger than I am. I am an attractive, independent woman and our age difference never mattered. I still look good. I take good care of myself. Somehow, we became separated. Anyway, I got married and he went off to prison in 2001. He was gone for about six or seven years. I ran into him in March 2008. We saw each other for a little while and stopped again for about six months. At the time, I was separated from my current husband, and he and I decided to get back together. That lasted for six months until we separated again.
I ran back into him but all I can tell is that he is needy he never has any money. He doesn't make a lot of money at his job, but I always have to give something to him for gas to come and see me. He asks for food and he has borrowed money and hasn't paid me back as promised. He has a very bad temper and is verbally abusive. He can be physically abusive as well. He loves to go out to these hole-in-the-wall clubs and is labeled a drunk. I try to understand him and help as much as I can, but what to do? Do I need to leave this man alone?
Daniel says...
In the annals of "obvious solutions" this one has to take the cake. Set aside the issues with your ex-husband. You married him and it sounds like you made every reasonable effort to save your marriage. For that you should be commended. Unfortunately, it sounds like you haven't been so thoughtful with regard to your current relationship. This guy leaches off you, "borrows" money from you, has never paid you back, and is physically and verbally abusive toward you. Staying with him is not only bad for you, it's self-destructive. I understand that women often want to "fix" the things wrong with the guy they are with. Women want to believe in the good in the guys they choose to devote themselves to. You have fallen into the same trap countless other women have, but the difference is, you know full-well what is wrong with this situation and you know what it takes to fix it. Leave this guy, and stand up for yourself. You may not need to worry about maintaining the respect of others or what your parents, friends, or family will think of you, but you should still be concerned about your own happiness and well-being. Getting this guy out of your life will be the best way to ensure that happiness.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, romance, history
Friendly - With Motives (Ask A Guy)
Alex, 21 from Ontario writes...
Hi Daniel!
I've been having some trouble with a guy. About a month ago, he basically rejected me when I came out in the open about my interest in him. He said he had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. I readily accepted this and moved on with my life. However, after about two weeks he randomly reappeared and started showing interest in me, complimenting me subtly, and asking me questions out of the blue like, "what do you look for in a guy?" He invited me to go to this recreational volleyball thing with him and appeared to be extremely excited about it. He talked to me the whole day from work but then texted me later that night saying he had to stay at work to finish some report but that we'd go to volleyball the next time.
The next time, however, he didn't want to go because of some lame excuse about the players and that we wouldn't get to play on the same team because of the way teams get picked (blah, blah, blah). The following week I was upset about something and he really wanted to hear about it, so I told him, and he was surprisingly attentive and understanding. When I mentioned I didn't want to be home that night to deal with my familial problems he said, "maybe we can go for ice cream." So we talked on the phone when he left work and he said he'd call me when he got home and sorted his night out, but he never ended up calling! I texted him afterward and he replied saying he "fell asleep". I was really angry and expressed this, though he didn't seem too sorry. Two days later, he called me out of the blue and apologized, saying he felt bad, etc., etc. We had a nice conversation and then he said volleyball "might" be happening the next day and that he'd call me to confirm. Again, he never called. I'm really not sure what he's doing. Is he playing games? Is he just looking for attention? Is he confused? I know he works full-time and has a crazy and busy life, but I think this is disrespectful nevertheless - even if you have to cancel, you can still call! I don't really understand what his intentions are. I don't think he's just being friendly, since I have plenty of male friends and I know that's not how they work. What's going on?
Daniel says...
You're right about one thing. This guy isn't being friendly, he's being downright rude. It sounds like he is using your obvious interest in him as an excuse to walk all over you and play games with your head. Look at his behavior over the past few months and it is fairly easy to see a pattern in his behavior. First, he flatters you. He calls you up or approaches you, says all kinds of nice things to you and convinces you he is genuinely interested in getting to know you better. Then, he offers a chance for the two of you to hang out together. After you accept, he neglects to get in touch with you or plan further for your suggested get-together. Finally, the cycle starts all over again when he apologizes and begins flattering you once more. It's as predictable as it is sad (for him). The part that you need to take control of is the part where you agree to hang out with him. Right now, you're available to him and willing to hang out every time he gives you a chance. Change that fact. Next time he asks you out, simply respond that you are unavailable. If he asks you out again, give him the same reply. One of two things will be accomplished by following this course of action. If he is interested in you and simply has a really, really strange way of showing it, then he will take this as a sign that he needs to pursue you with more effort. But if he is not interested in you, he will most assuredly take this as a sign that you have lost your interest in him and move on to try his luck at torturing someone else. If a guy is just playing mind games with you, then he doesn't want to have to work at it.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, poor friends
Guys Are Actually Quite Simple (Ask A Guy)
Lisa, 19 from United States writes...
Hello Daniel!
I am in need of advice - advice that I think would probably really benefit the other readers of Ask A Guy as well as myself. As a guy, I know you would have to at least know a few others, so what are some flirty texts and things to say that really draws a guy in? I'm looking for something to say that would sort of make them anticipate and not be able to wait until your next text. Any tips or scenarios would be greatly appreciated. Thanks - guys are confusing!
Daniel says...
When it comes to flirting, guys are actually quite simple-minded. If you imply interest in them (and potentially their body), then they will definitely look forward to your texts. What you say to someone depends a lot upon your friendship, any past events that have taken place between the two of you, and your personalities. It's tough to recommend something general to say, but always keep in mind what you're implying in your message. Keep in mind that if you are looking to send flirty texts, then I am operating under the assumption that you aren't too worried about sending some kind of sexual vibe in your texts. As a general example, if you text a guy to ask him what he's doing and he responds that he isn't doing much, then you can respond describing what you are doing. As long as it isn't something either overly intimate or overly personal, you can always end your response with something like, "it would be a lot more [fun, interesting] if you were here!" Something like that should get the thought process flowing and give you an idea the type of thing that guys like.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, guys
Maybe You Do Get A Second Chance To Make A First Impression (Ask A Guy)
Heather, 17 from United States writes...
I'm having a guy problem. It starts out with me not liking guys when I first get to know them. But after I find out several girls are crushing on the same guy, I'm suddenly crushing on him, too. It's stupid and weird and I don't like it. Right now I'm obsessing over a guy that I was absolutely comfortable with and had no interest in because I didn't think he was attractive at all, but after I found out that a horde of girls were after him, it roused my interest and I saw him differently. Now I think he's attractive and I want him when I didn't before. This same thing has happened three other times. What's worse is that this guy is now dating one of my friends (no one knows I like him), and I'm obsessing over him because I can't have him. I'm sick of this. Why does this keep happening? I shouldn't be crushing on guys just because a bunch of other girls think he's hot. Can you explain these feelings? Is there a way to stop myself from wanting guys just because I find out others badly want him?
Daniel says...
Feelings aren't controlled by the flick of a switch. On one hand it would be nice if they were, because getting over a failed or failing relationship would be a heck of a lot easier. At the same time, it would make the dating and courtship process a lot more dull. So maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Humans tend to have a massive competitive streak in them that can cause us to be unpredictable in our decision-making - especially where relationships are concerned. The key is to focus on the guys you do like. What aspects of their personality attract you to them? You can even look at what it is you like about guys once you find out that other people are interested. Simply because you aren't initially attracted to them doesn't mean they are wrong for you or that a relationship with them won't be productive. All it means with certainty is that you have been caused to look more critically at a guy whom you initially dismissed as a potential romantic interest. Are your feelings for these people simply based on the fact that you have a little competition or are you just seeing them differently? If competition is the lone reason for your feelings, then you need to remind yourself of that reality. When you're getting to know a guy look very carefully for the type of personality traits to which you are attracted. When you meet a guy, take an objective look and see if he has these characteristics. And if something causes you to take a second look at a guy, then go with whatever your determination is...giving someone a second chance to impress you isn't something to be ashamed of.Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, second chances
Hooked On A Feeling (Ask A Guy)
Annika, 17 from Tennessee writes...
He calls me pretty and beautiful and cute, which is great, it's obvious he finds me attractive, and it's a good boost of self-confidence. I haven't yet found a way to reciprocate my feelings toward him verbally, though. I want to let him know I find him just as attractive - and I worry that I'm not giving him the boost he may want. We're both confident people, but even I like to be complimented every once and awhile. There just aren't many adjectives equivalent to beautiful, pretty, and things like that that I can think of for guys...handsome? It feels weird...almost too formal. And is "cute" bad for a guy?
I know it varies for each guy, but from your perspective, what are some things I can say to let him know how I feel about him physically? We're open about how much we are attracted to each other's personality and other qualities - he knows that I find him funny, loving, smart, considerate, loyal, and I know he feels the same about me.
Thanks so much, Daniel!
Daniel says...
You're in luck (though perhaps just a little uncreative)! There are plenty of good adjectives to use for guys to describe their physical appearance. First thing's first, though. "Cute" and "adorable" are not words to be avoided. There may be some situations in which there are better words to be used, but there are certainly times when the more feminine-seeming "cute" and "adorable" are very much appropriate for use toward a guy. Imagine a time when the two of you are having fun and joking around with one another. Something like "cute" is perfectly appropriate. And your boyfriend is making a really cute face or being jokingly indignant about something. In that case, adorable is a great word to use. Don't write off perfectly good words just because there are only certain times when they aren't the best ones to use. As for other words that describe a guy's physical appearance, "hot" is almost universally appreciated by guys. "Hot" has a certain raw magnetism to it that makes it a highly desirable compliment. "Handsome" is also a perfectly acceptable compliment when your guy is wearing a suit or headed to a nice dinner. Sure, it's formal, but it's definitely a worthwhile compliment. As for other descriptions, "really, really, ridiculously, good-looking" was coined in Zoolander and makes for a humorous (but effective) way to compliment a guy. "Smokin'," "crazy good looking," "delicious," and "sexy" are also really good adjectives. Most of all, be creative when you're saying something to your guy. And don't be afraid to work in references to inside jokes between the two of you. Have fun!Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, compliments