Admitting Your Feelings
Under Pressure…Of Love (Ask A Guy)
caris, 19 from California writes...
I really care about my boyfriend, and I'm almost positive I love him. We are kind of in a long-distance relationship right now (he lives about two hours away) and we had both just gotten out of long-term relationships when we met in September. Because of this, I feel like he may be afraid to get too close to me, considering he was (and still probably is) trying to get over his ex. He'll text during the day, but not a lot like I would prefer and they're usually spread out pretty far. We talk once a night, sometimes not even that, and it's really starting to take a toll on me. I feel like I like him more than he likes me, which is something that has NEVER happened to me before. However, I know it's probably not the case because he's told me he likes me and cares about me a lot. We haven't said "I love you" yet, even though we've been seeing each other for around seven months. Is he just guarding his feelings? Will he loosen up a little once he sees that I genuinely care for him? Should I tell him I love him first? Thanks!
Daniel says...
Here's the key to getting a handle on your situation: settle down! You're practically smothering the guy and, in the process, probably making him wonder if you're really the one for him. He may very well be afraid to get too close to you - your expectations for a casual dating relationship already exceed the expectations of many more established relationships and it's possible that he fears that he will be even further constricted should he actually enter a formal relationship with you. For starters, you bemoan the fact that he only texts you periodically throughout the day and does not constantly text you. You also seem to express frustration at the content of his messages, too.
Many teenagers these days view texting as a "normal" form of communication. Remaining in constant contact and communication with your significant other can sometimes be viewed as stressful, not to mention constricting. If he spends his entire day trading messages with you, then when can he get other things done? It is important for people to spend time with other friends and family members and it is rude to spend that time constantly clicking away on their phone.
You have a similar outlook on phone conversations; not every couple speaks on the phone hourly, several times a day, or even once each day. Some people are more amenable to talking on the phone than others and your boyfriend's particular preferences are something you need to keep in mind - both before you start dating someone and as long as you plan to be in a relationship with him. If your boyfriend doesn't particularly care for talking on the phone, then forcing him to do so borders on cruel and places your relationship in an awkward position. You can only force someone to behave differently than their natural behavior for so long - pushing too much for too long will eventually cause a revolt of sorts.
As far as "I love you" is concerned, you can certainly say something to him, but you would be better served by laying back and seeing how things develop once you've backed down on the pressure for a little while. If you loosen up a bit, your boyfriend may realize you really are the person he wants to be with.
This article was originally posted by Daniel in July 2009.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, admitting your feelings, the l word
How Exactly Do You Feel? (Ask A Guy)
friend confusion, 13 writes...
I have known this guy for four years now and I have gotten very close to him. He makes it so hard to stop liking him because we have almost kissed a million times but he backs out when a family member walks in. I have fallen hard for him. He means so much to me but I don't know to tell him because it could ruin our friendship. I have told him this about three and a half years ago and got shot down. I guess what I'm asking is, should I tell him everything or should I just let him tell me?
Daniel says...
The two of you know one another well enough and have enough history that your friend should not be afraid to pursue you if he discovers he has feelings for you. The fact that you even admitted your feelings to him simply serves to bolster this likelihood. When a girl admits her feelings to a guy, the guy tends to think that either she will always have some level of feelings for him or that she likes him enough that he could reignite those feelings whenever he would like. Even though this took place over three years ago, you don't want to risk looking sad or predictable by seeming to have the same conversation with him over and over again. He knows how you felt then and the two of you are close enough that he shouldn't be scared to make a bit of a move--even if only a very subtle one.
That the two of you have come close to kissing on several occasions is difficult to use as a measuring stick. It could be that he simply wants to make out with you because it seems fun. Alternatively, he could have feelings for you, simply not know how to say it, and be giving in to temptation in these "almost kiss" moments. Ultimately, though, let him make the first definitive move. You can create opportunities to hang out and have fun together, though. Invite him over to watch a movie or see if he's going to an upcoming high school sporting event. The key is to give the two of you time to hang out so he can decide whether or not he has feelings for you. But if things don't develop after a few months, then you can probably safely conclude the feelings won't materialize.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, gauging interest, admitting your feelings, feelings
An Emotional Reunion (Ask A Guy)
A while back I had a boyfriend of about a year and a half. I liked him very, very much and I really do feel it was a mutual feeling. He was the first guy I actually loved. Anyway, we broke up for a few reasons, such as the fact that I was moving back to New York for school and couldn't handle a long distance relationship. We were also getting kind of rocky anyway. So it all ended. Post break-up we still spoke but hadn't seen each other for two years. He then had a new girlfriend and I had a new boyfriend.
About two weeks ago, he called me and we decided to meet up just to catch up since we hadn't seen each other in a long time (plus we're both single). I've totally been over him, but when we hung out last week, we had a very deep and intense reunion. He cried to me about everything he was going through, and I comforted him. But then he kissed me. Ever since then, we've been very friendly to each other but we have also kissed again. He tells me that he still has love for me, but we never talk about "getting back." I am trying so hard to not catch any feelings for him again, but I think it's already happening. When he doesn't text me for three days I feel horrible, unintentionally! I have no clue what to do about this! Is it worth even trying anything or should I just forget it all and move on?
Daniel says...
It sounds as though you never really intended to merely "catch up" with him. The "plus we're both single" parenthetical in your submission indicates that you got together at least in part because you are both single. You wanted to give things a chance and now you seem to be struggling with the thought of making yourself vulnerable. By your own admission, the two of you were apart for quite some time and you're still trying to feel your way around things with this guy. The emotional reunion the two of you shared is certainly a sign that there could still be something there and it's clear that you are emotionally drawn to this guy even after such a long time apart. Your relationship may have been in a weakened state when it ended, but time seems to have smoothed over some of those edges.
The fact that you were apart for a couple of years is also a blessing. It essentially means you are starting over, in that you are very comfortable not having him in your life; you know what it's like and you know how to handle it. So what is lost if the two of you would stop hanging out again? I would argue that there would be very little harm done. The fact that the two of you reestablished your closeness so quickly gives you an opportunity to address things head-on and find out where things stand between the two of you. Tell this guy how you feel and admit that you are interested in trying to get back together with him again. It's not worth ignoring your feelings, because it's clear they are there. If he isn't interested, though, you will be able to find that out and move right along.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, admitting your feelings, reuniting