Sex Ed 101
Questions about sexuality? Pregnancy? Virginity? Weird lumps? We've got you covered. Please keep in mind that our columnists are not qualified doctors, and if there is anything severely wrong, GO TO A DOCTOR!
Did My Boyfriend Make Me Lesbian?
Well a little bit about me is that I'm 17 and in my final year of high school. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months and we've had a blast together...except now. He didn't tell me that he had been talking to a girl friend of his over the summer and having problems at the beginning of our relationship about her has always been a problem. Omission still counts lying to me. So I dumped him when he told me I could get used to feeling hurt every time they hung out because he never stopped to compromise and take into consideration what I was feeling. So when Monday rolled around, I just treated him like nothing more than a semi friend. When I jumped around from group of friends to another and giving him the bare minimum attention. He even questioned me as to why I wasn't really talking to him. I should of told him right then that that is what the single life is. If we aren't dating, then you aren't a priority. A couple days passed, until finally I was just relaxing at home and my mom came into the room to tell me he was outside. I though she was lying, but when I opened the door and looked down there he was. He didn't tell his parents that he had walked to my house but he finally came around that he wanted to hear what I had to say and compromise. Things worked out and we are together now, but trusting him hasn't been easy and now I'm getting confused. I love him, but I'm starting to question my sexuality now. When I'm with him I'm happy, but away from him it just isn't the same. I don't know if it's everything that's happened that making me feel this way... I also don't know if I should tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings... I don't know if these feelings will change over time.anonymous | age 17 | August 30, 2010
JamieG says...
I'm having a bit of a hard time figuring out exactly what your question is, but I'll give it my best shot. To the best of my knowledge and experience, breaking up with your boyfriend is not something that will "turn" you into a lesbian (if for no other reason than that nobody "turns" gay). I mean, look at it this way: If having a bad experience with a person of a particular gender was enough to cause you to no longer be attracted to anyone of that gender, there would be very few people in the world who were having sex at all, and our species would have died out long ago. Personally, I would've become a lesbian sometime during middle school, and probably would've given up on women fairly shortly thereafter.If you really are attracted to women, though - which is not at all a question I can answer for you - it is still entirely possible to remain interested in men. Most people are at least a little bit bisexual, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Also keep in mind that you're only 17. Your sexuality is still growing and developing. Maybe you're just curious about other women, and you'll realize that the attraction is superficial and nothing else. Maybe you really are bisexual, and you'll realize that over time. (That, as an aside, is why I hate labels so much. Can't a person just like/love/sleep with whomever they want, regardless of their position on what many regard to be an incomplete, limiting, falsely created gender binary? But that's neither here nor there.)
As far as your boyfriend is concerned: Do you tell him about every other guy that you're attracted to? Do you expect him to tell you about every other person he finds attractive? If so, while personally I don't think that that sounds like a very healthy relationship, you should probably tell him that you find some women attractive. If not, I don't see how it really matters unless you decide to act on those impulses, in which case it still doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship if you're attempting monogamy (which it seems like you are).
About your relationship with your boyfriend in general, though, give him a chance to redeem himself if you want to, and if you think that he actually is going to change. But also keep in mind that, if it took you actually breaking up with him for him to be willing to compromise about seeing a girl with whom there is apparently some preexisting tension, is that something that's going to repeat in the future? Is that something that you're willing to put up with?
Tags: relationships, sexuality, attraction, sex ed, homosexuality
How To Not Be Boring
Hello! So... recently, I have become sexually active, and with someone who I very much care about. Things have been going well so far... However, we tend to do the same "routine", and I tend to be a little timid, seeing as I don't have much experience. I don't want things to get boring, and I want him to get as much pleasure as I do... What are things that I can do? For instance, I've never given a hand job, even, and I'm worried that I won't know how to do it properly... Thank you!Anony | age 19 | August 16, 2010
JamieG says...
Most sex acts consist of one basic premise with infinite capacity for variation. Take a hand job, for instance, since that's what you specifically mentioned. At its most basic, a hand job is simply stimulating a penis with a hand. Within that basic definition, though, there's a lot that you can change up: speed, strength, amount/type of lubrication, which hand(s), where most of the stimulation is focused, etc. The great thing about that for people who are inexperienced in particular is that if you're not doing something the way that your partner likes the best, it's not because you're "bad" at doing it; it's because their personal, subjective preference is slightly different from the way that you do it naturally.If you're worried that you really are doing it wrong, though, my advice would be to ask him what he likes. It doesn't have to be a clinical conversation, either; just start doing it (after having obtained consent, of course), and after a little ask him if he wants you to go faster, or grip him more tightly. Try not to phrase it as, "Am I doing this right?", but rather "How do you like it?" because that's really what you want to know. As long as there's a hand and a penis involved, it is technically being done correctly.
That said, you wanted to know things that you could do. I can't tell you every variation of every sex act possible, because that would take a really long time and I still wouldn't be able to hit on every single variation; people are doing new things all the time! But most commonly, you can stimulate each other with your mouths, your hands, and/or your genitals. You can focus that stimulation to any number of parts of their body as well, so try not to focus exclusively on what you already know to be erogenous zones; that's when it gets boring, in my opinion. And remember, sometimes all it takes is a small change of speed, pressure, or position in order to make something that you've done a million times feel brand new.
If you still can't think of anything to do, there are a few ways that I would suggest looking for new ideas. You could always ask your partner if there's anything he wants to try; you might be surprised. You could watch porn; it's not the most realistic source for a lot of things - very few women look like porn stars, very few penises are the size of those often shown in porn, and I have a hard time understanding why the women would be as enthusiastic about some of the things that they're doing as they appear to be (but everyone has different preferences) - but the sheer quantity of variety of sex acts shown is really astounding, so I'm sure that you can find something that looks interesting. If it doesn't seem to awkward, you could always ask your friends if they have any favorite things to do, or what the most unusual thing they've done (sexually) is, or to share tips for oral sex or hand jobs or whatever it is that you're looking to do.
Can A Doctor Tell?
My mom wants me to get on birth control and I have to go to the gynecologist. I'm not a virgin, I've had sex with one guy and it was over six months ago. She told me that the doctor will be able to tell if I'm a virgin or not, and I really don't want her to know. She's really against premarital sex (for me, at least) and she'll be really mad if I tell her, because I've been lying to her for so long. Can the doctor really tell?!xbreathe. | age 15 | August 15, 2010
JamieG says...
No, the doctor cannot tell whether or not you've had sex. The closest thing she could do is see whether or not your hymen is intact - but there are many ways besides sex to break your hymen, so that's not even close to definitive.
Also, I'm not 100% sure because you didn't put a location, but I'm fairly certain that in the US at least your doctor can't tell your mother anything that you say to her - unless she thinks you're a danger to yourself or someone else - without your permission. So when you go to the doctor, I want you to make sure first that everything is confidential. And then, when she asks whether you've had sex or not, you need to tell her the truth.
Pregnant From A Hand Job
Okay, this is similar to the last post, but my circumstances are different. The other day, my girlfriend and I were having some fun (both of us are still virgins, we didn't have sex). She gave me a hand job in which I ejaculated into one of my socks. Some got onto my hands, but I washed them. About 3 hours later, she gave me another handjob, but I did not ejaculate. I didn't wash my hands after that, but a little bit later I fingered her, just a little for about 10 seconds because I had to go. When I got home there was a small amout of semen inside my urethra. Could she have gotten pregnant? I don't think so, but I worry a lot. I worry about this sort of thing all of the time. Thanks for any help.pete w | age 16 | August 14, 2010
JamieG says...
The chances of her being pregnant are completely negligible. I won't say it's completely impossible, but I don't think I've ever said it's completely impossible for someone to be pregnant. This is one of those times when your worrying is pretty much without cause, and your instincts were correct.Pregnant From Fingering
Well, my boyfriend fingered me so he got a hard on and started to cum after. He was just in his boxers and cum was coming through and he was laying on top of me and I had my clothes on but I think the cum went through mine and wanted to know if I could get pregnant that way. I've never had sex and I don't think my hymen's been popped. I'm scared I might have gotten pregnant.anonymous | age 17 | August 10, 2010
JamieG says...
No, you're almost certainly not pregnant. The chances of his semen going through his boxers, your pants, and your panties are so low as to be negligible. I mean, it's theoretically possible. If you don't get your period when you're expecting it, go ahead and take a pregnancy test just to be extra super sure. But it really shouldn't be necessary.Weird Discharge
Hi I'm 17 and I'm about to start college. I have been sexually active since I was 13 and like a month back I had sex with my boyfriend and he used baby oil to lubricate me since I was not wet. The next day I got intense itchining and there was clumpy white stuff on the walls of my vagina. (Also a week before this the condom had broke and I took the morning after birth control pill.) Anyway, after seeing the white clumpy stuff and intense itching with no smell, I researched it and everything I read was saying that it is a yeast infection and then I tried the home remedy with the use of hydrogen peroxide cause I'm scared and embarassed to tell any of my family about my problem. Apparently the peroxide had worked cause the itching stopped and the stuff stopped coming on the walls of my vagina. But then after a week I got my period so I guess I wasn't pregnant but then I noticed some white clumpy stuff that doesn't itch or smell nor does my vagina burn. Every time I remove them when I take a shower, they always come back. So one day I decided to stick my finger up inside me and it seems as if there is a lot more in there cause I can feel it and they comes out on my finger and also when I had sex with my boyfriend recently it came out on his dick and my cum water was milky white and watery. I am really confused and don't know what is going on with my body. Could it still be that I have a yeast infection (but it's not burning nor itching nor have an odor)? Could it be my body reaction to taking that birth control pill or could it be that i have an STD? Could someone please help me cause I'm very scared and losing my mind over this.
Toya | age 17 | August 5, 2010
JamieG says...
I really hate to tell you this, but I'm not a doctor and that's what you need right now. It's possible that you do still have a yeast infection - though it's unlikely if discharge is the only symptom you're showing. It's possible that it's a reaction to the emergency contraception. It's possible that it's a completely normal fluctuation in hormones, or that the hydrogen peroxide messed up the PH balance and your body is trying to correct that. It's possible it's any number of other things, that I'm unfortunately not able to diagnose.I know that it seems embarrassing, but that's part of life. You don't need to tell your family that you're sexually active if that doesn't feel safe, and you don't need to tell them all about your symptoms. But if it's at all possible for you to go see your doctor, that is what you should be doing. If your parents want to know why you need to see the doctor, just tell them that you've been having some issues and you would like to get it checked out to make sure that nothing's wrong. I doubt they'll demand more information than that.
Tags: discharge, sex ed, yeast infection
Trust Issues
I had been seeing this guy in high school, but we were never in a relationship. We really liked each other, and also had sex a couple of times- but it was bad timing I guess. I then got together with someone else (they know each other), got engaged to him and stayed with him for about 9 years. He got married and divorced in the meantime, and we haven't seen each other since high school. I broke up the engagement about a year ago, but it wasnt going well in the last two years of our relationship. I actually started talking to this old friend, while I was still with my ex-fiance, and kept thinking I made a big mistake back in the days by choosing the wrong person. After I was no longer in a relationship, me and this old friend started talking for hours every day, and discovered that we still like each other a lot and have even more things in common than back in the day. We really got into this, we even started planning our future. Than I have decided to visit him (we live in different countries) it was all very exciting we could not wait to see each other. I arrived, we were super happy to see each other, to fall asleep in his arms, just to be able to spend time with him. I then made a huge mistake by not telling him something, and he went off saying trust would be the most important thing for him, and we will see how things will work out but he cannot be in a relationship with me as long as he can't trust me, so we are friends. It took me 2 months to get him back to kind of normal. Then I surprised him and visited him for a weekend, and it was kind of okay; he stayed with me at the hotel, and after I left he told me he actually sees how much I care about him so he is willing to give me a second chance, let's see what happens- but he still only considers us as "more than" friends. So I told him it would be fine by me, I just want to spend time with him and show him that he can trust me. We planned everything and I stayed a month at his place, he made plans for us, made arrangements and was happy to see me.We had a lot of fun and I enjoyed it so much being able to see him every day, he introduced me to all of his friends, they all like me a lot and keep telling him how nice I am. BUT: He is not really showing any physical attraction. He is not hugging or kissing me, not looking out for my hugs either. He is not in love with me, he wants to see where all this leads us, he doesnt want a commitment (he says he is still hurt because of his marriage) but he loves spending time with me, he is having fun with me and liked the time I spent at his place. He actually spent so much money while I was there, he also cooked for me and took great care of me.. why would he do that if he wouldn't care for me. And this is my whole point: I sort of understand that he does not want to be in a relationship until he is 100% sure (he wants to have familiy and kids) but even though he says that he likes being with me- I really can't tell while I am with him. We have a good time, we laugh a lot-but seriously; how long will it take until he decides if he wants a real relationship or not? Its been 5 month since my first visit and we have been talking every single day for hours since almost 8 months. Especially the fact that he doesnt seem like looking for physical contact at all, not only in public but also in private. I am talking about holding me in his arms, or touching my hand or such- this does not include sex, we have sex as a matter of fact great sex. He says he is not the "holding hands" type of guy, but the first time we met he was behaving in a whole different way, way more intimate. It seems like he is not letting me too close to him.. Or is he just using me? (he will move back to his country soon, and he might use one of my contacts for career opportunities, plus my parents are wealthy which he might also like) But why spending so much effort and especially money if he would not consider a relationship in a long distance? I really seek your advice.. I told him he might not want to waste his time by tring to figure out if this will work or not, he should look for a girl he can madly fall in love with without thinking about it. He said, he can't promise anything, it will take a long time, he might not be able to fully trust me, ever but we will see how it goes and he will do his very best. I somehow have doubts..
Stella | age 26 | August 3, 2010
JamieG says...
Wow. What was it that you didn't tell him on your first meeting? It seems like it really messed things up between you. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or something, but because if you guys do end up in a long-term relationship, I hope you're prepared to face a similar reaction if you leave out that kind of information in the future.Really, it seems like you hurt his trust - which may have been both easier and more lasting since his divorce, which you said is still weighing on him - and that's making it hard for the two of you. It does seem like he's being more on guard now, because he's not entirely sure that he won't get hurt again. Even things like being physically affectionate can be impacted by not feeling completely comfortable in a relationship; especially if he's not generally big into casual touching/PDA, it might make him feel like it makes him extra vulnerable.
Basically, it does read like he has feelings for you, but is being extra careful for a few reasons. It's up to you to decide whether you're willing to wait for him to trust you again, while knowing that it's possible that he may not. I want to caution you, though, about this relationship in general. You've both at least fairly recently gotten out of serious, long-term relationships. And your next move is to get into a sort-of relationship with a guy you slept with in high school. (By the way, what does "just more than friends" mean? Is that friends-with-benefits? Or is that dating?) So I would definitely be careful on that count as well, and be sure that you're actually into each other and not just rebounding.
Tags: relationships, sex ed
No Click?
I need your advice. I have been talking to this guy for 3 years online. We first developed a strong friendship, now we trust each other so much. Last year we decided to take it to the next level. He decided to come see me, if we match we will be serious. When he came, I was so nervous and acted selfish. I was all the time friendly and never responded to his advances. I have a problem showing my emotions to a man. To me it means I am weak. We spent two weeks together at my house and nothing happened. Before he came in I put so many conditions so he was so careful that he didn't try anything. I ended up asking him to kiss me but I did not feel any passion. Actually neither of us did. His last day he said he wants to remain friends, he doesn't see a future of us together. He said he is attracted to me but he never felt the click or spark. He doesn't want to invest in this relationship because it would be worthless since we both live in different continents. That we will get hurt with all the sacrifices and we don't even know if it would work since we never clicked on the emotional part. He also said I am high maintenance and selfish. He said he is not a jerk and respects me a lot and won't lead me to wrong hopes. I asked him why he never told me so when he arrived and that he wasn't attracted to me. He said he is attracted to me but for some reason can't feel the click and is not ready to make sacrifices. One thing is sure: We like each other so much as friends and finish each other's sentences. My question is how come we never clicked? We are both good looking smart and from same background. I called him afterwards and told him that I felt guilty I didn't make him feel special and I realized I pushed him away with all my conditions and selfishness. He agreed but he said he almost lost me once, and doesn't want to lose me again. He asked me to be his friend and he needs me as a friend. I don't have feelings for him and he knows that but I offered him to give us another chance since we like each other's personalities and get along so well. He refused to do that and asked me to move on as he did.My question to you is: We only saw each other for the first time for less than 2 weeks, we didn't click emotionally and maybe he didn't like my behavior. Is this reversible? Can a man not have feelings for a woman in the beginning and later develop them? I never been in such situation. I am usually a confident lady and have guys after me but for some reason it is so hard for me to develop or be interested. I do like this guy but should I just let him be? He wants to know me and see me when I go abroad or when he comes to the US, but he wants to keep it friendship. I have enough friends and am content with my life. I told him I don't need a friend; I need someone that can turn to a husband. I told him I feel guilty because I messed up. He said we both did with our behavior. He said he was not ready and should have never came till he was ready.
Give me advice. Did this man ever really like me? Could a man not see you as future and change his mind later?
single | age 28 | August 2, 2010
JamieG says...
Wow, this is a tough one. It is always possible for a person's feelings to change from platonic to romantic (or vice versa). However, it's generally more likely for a person's feelings to stay the same.As to whether he ever really liked you, I'm seeing a few mixed signals in there. He said that he almost lost you once, and doesn't want to lose you again. To me, that sounds like he did have romantic feelings, but was hurt when you apparently didn't respond to his advances, or return his feelings. And if you admit that you acted inappropriately, or at least not very nicely, the only time that you two have met in real life, it's completely understandable that regardless of what his feelings had been prior, he decided that it wasn't worth the risk or the long-term commitment. However, if he made no advances on you while you were together, and said that he wasn't attracted to you and didn't feel like you clicked emotionally, it would seem like he's not interested in a relationship for other reasons. Either way, I'm reading the situation as that he was interested in you, but real life didn't meet up to either of your expectations.
What I'm not getting, though, is why you want him to change his mind about you. If you aren't romantically interested in him, you shouldn't try to push a relationship - especially if he's also claiming to not be interested. Just because you have some things in common doesn't mean that you're going to make a good match. I mean, my fiance shares a lot in common with a male acquaintance with whom I do not get along at all. What looks good on paper is one thing, but when it comes down to it you can't change chemistry, or your emotions. It seems like you're focusing too much on the goal of getting a husband, and not enough on what you would need in order to sustain a healthy, long-term relationship (such as actually liking the man, romantically, and being able to let your guard down enough to be in a relationship).
Tags: relationships, sex ed
Free BC?
Ok, so I want to get on birth control (I'm 19) and my partner wants me to also. But I don't have steady work, and cannot talk to my mother about it at all, which means no financial assistance there either. So, I was going to go to planned parenthood, because I've heard of some cases where girls get the pill for free there. Can anybody get it for free? What are the requirements? PLEASE PLEASE help me if you can. Thank you!!4sure86 | age 19 | July 31, 2010
JamieG says...
So, I went to the Planned Parenthood page on the pill, and the best answer that I can give you is: maybe.If for some reason you need to have a medical exam before they'll prescribe you the pill, that will cost you extra; how much extra depends on the type of exam, I imagine, as they gave a very wide range ($35-$250). If you do need to pay for the prescription, it would cost you somewhere around 15-50 dollars a month. However, some Planned Parenthood centers will give it to you at a reduced rate (maybe even free). To find out more information, since I don't know where you live or anything like that, you need to call up your local Planned Parenthood and ask them for information.
Good luck! I hope it works out for you!
Tags: contraception, birth control pills, sex ed, planned parenthood
Does The Withdrawal Method Actually Work?
My boyfriend and I use condoms most of the time, but every once in a while, we don't. And he uses the pull-out method. Is that effective against preventing pregnancy? I've heard mixed answers, so I'm confused. Please help! Thank you!4sure86 | age 19 | July 30, 2010
JamieG says...
The withdrawal, or pull-out, method of birth control does reduce your chances of pregnancy somewhat, though not nearly as much as hormonal (the pill) or barrier (a condom) methods. The exact numbers are hard to come by - as you said, there are mixed answers - but Planned Parenthood has a chart that puts it as being about 70% effective at preventing pregnancy (or resulting in about 30 pregnancies per 100 women using it every year).There are problems with using withdrawal as your chosen form of birth control. For one, pre-ejaculate can contain some sperm, which is still enough to get you pregnant. Also, sometimes guys make mistakes and don't pull out quickly enough.
Really, whether you think it's worth the risk is up to you. Condoms are extremely reliable with perfect use; the withdrawal method is not. I would encourage everyone who is not 100% ready to deal with becoming pregnant (and whatever the personal consequences of that pregnancy may be) to both get on hormonal birth control if it is safe for them, and to use a condom every time they have sex which might result in pregnancy (that meaning, penis-in-vagina intercourse, not oral, or anal, or manual or anything else). And if someone is not 100% certain that both they and their partner are completely free of infection, I would strongly recommend that they use a condom every time even for alternative forms of sex.
However, that's irrelevant. There is a higher risk of pregnancy with the withdrawal method than regular condom use; however, if you are for whatever reason not going to use a condom on any particular occasion, pulling out is better than nothing.
Tags: birth control, sex ed, withdrawal