Ask A Guy
It Was Really Just A Joke
I met a guy at university and I started liking him. Then I found out he really likes me. We talked couple times, but it was just normal conversations. Then I was just messing around and said I'm not his friend. He is not talking to me now, but I know deep down he really does like me because he is always looking at me. He just makes it look like he is not interested. I think he needs to grow up. I don't want to be the one speaking first. What should I do? Thanks!
Sweety | age 19 | March 10, 2010
Daniel says...
Odds are there is a very good reason why he isn't talking to you. Most guys are capable of sensing sarcasm and telling him you're not his friend would certainly have rang as more than a little sarcastic. Maybe he is busy, perhaps he has a lot on his mind, or there could be countless other possible explanations for his sudden lack of interest. If he doesn't straighten up in the next few days, then you really need to consider whether this guy is mature enough for you. If what you said had been truly and unequivocally offensive, then there's something to be said for him withdrawing a bit. But if he's going to be pissy about a little joke without even telling you he's offended or letting you correct the situation, then maybe you shouldn't even be concerned about him.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, hurt feelings, joking around
I Can’t Call Him - Now What?!?!
I like this guy and we pass each other in the hall. Sometimes we smile at each other and say hey, but I would really like to hang out and talk with him more. What is a good way to get us to hang out with each other and talk more? He doesn't go on Myspace very often and my phone is broken right now so we can eliminate those two options.
Anonymous | age 16 | March 10, 2010
Daniel says...
Fear not. If talking to this guy online and talking to him on the phone aren't options, then there are still three perfectly viable options:
- Letters via the U.S. Postal Service or another registered delivery service
- Carrier pigeon
- Actually talking to him
The most important thing is to make sure he knows your name. If he does, then that's great. But if he doesn't, then you need to introduce yourself to him. Something like, "hi, I've noticed you in the halls a few times. I'm _____." And yes, it's really that simple. You don't need anything over-the-top witty or unbelievably interesting to break the ice with a guy. After that, talk to him every once in a while when you pass him. Don't do it every time, so it doesn't seem like you are coming on too quickly; give him a chance to get used to you. When you do talk to him, you could ask him how he's doing, where he's headed, or what he thought of a test in a certain class you share with one another. I'm not talking about anything earth-shattering here.
Eventually you should move things along by asking him to join you at a party with a group of friends. Make it a co-ed party so he can always hang out with the guys if things get a little slow at some point. Most importantly, though, remember to have patience. You can't rush a relationship.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, communication, gauging interest, developing a relationship
Trust Is Kind of Important
I need some help. I met two guys this week (Clay and Sam). They're both 21, if that helps. They're from around my hometown because I was in town for spring break. A friend's boyfriend gave them my number. I hung out with Clay the night I met them and it turns out the two guys are best friends. I knew I really liked Sam. He asked me out on a date and I went and he is EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in a guy and exactly what I have been looking for. Everything went great and he told me many times he liked me.
Later that night I said I wanted to be honest with him and told him I had hung out with Clay. I said I didn't like Clay and I didn't even know they were friends and Sam was cool with it. This morning Clay wouldn't quit texting me, so I told him I liked Sam and then he went into this whole deal saying, "ohh, so Sam is better than me, okay I'll leave you two be." I told Sam about it and he was like, "I'm sorry, hun, he's my best friend. I gotta back down."
I told him I understand but I didn't want him to. He said he had to. I talked with Clay and he came to realize Sam would be better for me. So he told me he would back down. I told him to tell Sam, so he did. I asked Sam if he and Clay talked. He said, "yeah but I'm sorry, that's messed up that you went to Clay about me after we already talked." I'm not sure how I went to Clay, I was just trying to set things straight. So I apologized and he said it was fine and I said it wasn't. Then I waited about two hours and told him I'd really like to chill with him and talk that night, but he never responded. I went back to school two hours away the next day. I REALLY like Sam and I don't know what to do. Please help!
alwaystheirbro | age 19 | March 9, 2010
Daniel says...
Okay, you live two hours away from these guys and you have known them for all of a week and you're convinced you want to fall on your sword for one of them. It seems that you are jumping to conclusions just a bit. You don't know these guys all that well and yet you are very clearly meddling in their friendship. You justify it to yourself that you are "just trying to set things straight," but you manipulated them into seeing things your way. And then, even worse, you didn't trust them to talk to one another and work things out! They're best friends, and yet you didn't think they would make the decision that was best for them and their friendship. In effect, you pit the two of them against one another and hoped you would come out on top. Predictably, though, these guys valued their friendship more than a potential relationship with a girl who doesn't trust them.
It goes without saying that you have likely ruined whatever chance you once had with the two of them for the time being. That's not to say you can't keep in touch with them. If you're friendly enough with them, you may be able to earn yourself a second chance with them when you return home for the summer. Given that you are a couple hours away and you haven't really known them that long, it's not worth worrying about whether or not you can start a romantic relationship with either one of them at this point. Given your age and the newness of your friendships with these guys, it is unlikely they'd want to jump right into a long-distance relationship anyway.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, trust, meddling in friendships
We Kissed At A Party
There is this guy I like. He came up to me at a party and kissed me, and we went somewhere else and made out. Afterward we danced a bit and when he left he kissed me goodbye and said, "see you at school." At school the Monday after the party he came up to me at my locker and asked me how I was. I was like, "ohh, I'm fine." We had a brief talk about how we were and then he said, "I'll see you around then." The next week I went up to him at his locker and started talking to him about a rumour that was going around about us and he seemed quite uninterested. I don't really know him at all but I really like him and I'm going to a party in a couple of weeks and he'll be going, too. Should I wait until then to make a move? Or is he just not interested in me? I'm worried that if I just wait until the party then nothing will really come of the situation. What should I do?
flola | age 16 | March 9, 2010
Daniel says...
This guy certainly hasn't knocked your socks off with his pursuit of you, so there's no point in going overboard trying to pursue him, either. There's nothing wrong with talking to this guy and maintaining casual communication with him. In fact, I would recommend remaining on friendly terms with him. This can be accomplished relatively easily - with an occasional conversation. Saying hi in the hallway, approaching him at his locker, and just making idle chit-chat from time to time are appropriate ways of doing so. Whatever you do, don't put too much emphasis on starting a spark with this guy right now. First, the harder you try, the more desperate you appear, and the less likely you are to actually win him over. Second, this guy has made it fairly clear that he doesn't want to start a relationship in school.
Don't take it to the bank that you will be able to win this guy over, though. I don't get the vibe that he's terribly interested in you; it may be that he took an opportunity to make out with a cute girl when he had the chance. Notice that he did fulfill his parting words to you - he saw you at school (he even spoke to you). With that said, there's nothing wrong with approaching this guy at the party and saying hi. If he seems more interested in talking to you at the party, it may be worth asking him why he has generally avoided you at school. If you ask this, his answer may provide some window into what is going on in his mind. Just be careful. If he does show an interest in you at the party, it may be convenient interest and not a genuine desire to get to know you better.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, approaching a guy, parties
The Object of Ridicule
Hey Daniel!
First I'd like to say that I love your page and I'd really appreciate your opinion on my dilemma.
My high school is full of jerks. If they're not talking about sex they're teasing or making fun of someone. But then there's this really nice guy in my class. We've known each other for a pretty long time and we used to date when we were like 10 (of course it was just holding hands, but still...). We are just friends now. I really like him and I get the feeling that he likes me.
Anyway, there's this really weird smell in the classroom. I'm guessing that someone has left a sandwich in one of the corners or something. But to be 100% truthful, it does smell like someone has farted. All the boys in the class (other than Jay, the boy that I like) used to make fun of my best friend. They kept saying that it was her who was farting or that she was picking her nose or something disgusting like that. But now they are all doing it to me! And whenever someone says something like that I go red in the face, even though I've done nothing. They keep embarrassing me in front of Jay ALL THE TIME!
I know that it's a really petty dilemma but I'm really worried that Jay is going to go off me and not like me anymore because of what the other boys are saying. I say this because he's been really cold this week. He hardly even looked at me. What's even worse is that I'm secretly a clean freak. But I don't let anyone know because I think it's sad.
What should I do about the boys teasing me and saying disgusting things about me? How should I handle this? Has Jay gone off me because of what the jerks have been saying? Will Jay go off me because of this?
Anonymous | age 16 | March 8, 2010
Daniel says...
It's a common (though flawed) response to wonder when it is appropriate to talk to teachers or the school administration about something that amounts to low-level harassment. The fact of the matter is that, as long as someone's well-being is not at risk, you do need to learn to manage situations like this yourself. So kudos to you for seeking ways to do so. It shows that you are serious about defending yourself and learning how to handle these situations will help you in the future.
The key to managing situations in which you are the object of ridicule is to mock and degrade the jokes that are being told. Don't point your mockery at the people themselves because that will only incite more vicious responses. But if you can use wit to let them know that their jokes are neither appreciated nor in any way mature then you may be able to get them to back off a little. In this case, one possible responses might be, "seriously guys? Are we doing fart jokes again?" Another possible response might be, "you know, I stopped making fart jokes and giggling about bodily functions in fifth grade."
In both of these cases you are stopping short of making fun of them directly but you're effectively leaving the door open for them to finish the sentence. It's also important to grow a thick skin as well as the ability to ignore unwanted distractions. Keep yourself busy during downtime in the class by talking to your friend (and maybe Jay). If they try to insult you during a conversation or interrupt what you're doing, don't be afraid to snap at them that you're busy, they're interrupting, and you would appreciate it if they would wait their turn. They're behaving like eight-year-olds, so don't be afraid to treat them like that.
As far as Jay is concerned, there isn't much you can do in that regard. If he is going to let some other guys' crass jokes about you affect his opinion of you, then he isn't really the type of guy you should be dating.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, defending yourself, dealing with insults
Guy Meets Girl
I met this guy a year ago. He works at a place that I frequent all the time. About five months after we met, he asked if I was single and I told him yes. Then a while after that, we began texting when we weren't around each other. Then we started texting ALL the time and it was great. We still saw each other all the time, too, and everything was awesome. Then in December, he finally asked me out and we went out and had a lot of fun. He'd promised he would take me out again.
Two months went by before that happened, and even before we went out for the second date, he had slowly stopped texting me for the most part. Yet, we went out on a second date and had our first kiss. He then asked me where I wanted to go on our third date and things like that. It's been over a week since our second date and the only time I talk to him now is when I go to the place I frequented so much.
Last night, I got up the courage and put my pride aside and I asked him when we could go out again. I told him I wasn't going to bother him, I just wanted him to think about it. Now I don't have a clue what he's thinking. I've tried asking others but they're no help. This whole situation has me feeling really bad and confused. Please, please help me! He's told me that I'm special and around the time of our first date, he gave me a keepsake that's very important to him and hasn't asked for it back or anything. I'm just so confused. Please help me. Thank you SO much.
4sure86 | age 19 | March 8, 2010
Daniel says...
You put yourself out there and indicated your interest to him. Anything you do beyond that could give off the vibe of a girl who is a little overeager to get into a more serious relationship - a vibe that often causes guys to drop everything for an all-out sprint in the opposite direction. It sounds like your story with this guy is a fairly common one:
- Guy and girl know one another casually.
- Guy and girl get to know one another better.
- Guy and girl seem to like one another.
- Guy and girl communicate frequently - even bordering on a weird amount of communication.
- Either guy or girl starts to lose interest.
- Other party realizes and tries to win the other person back.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, pursuing a relationship
Unnecessary Chances
I was on and off with a guy for about two and a half years. He finally officially ended it saying that it isn't going to work right now and he doesn't have the same feelings. Since then I have been giving him space and not contacting him. He then texted me that he is probably going to regret breaking things off. So if he says he is going to regret it why chance losing me? I know if it's meant to be it will be but I just wanted a man's advice.
anonymous | age 24 | March 7, 2010
Daniel says...
Keep in mind that he said he is probably going to regret breaking things off with you. And that itself may be the problem. If he only thinks he might regret breaking up with you, he may not be feeling the emotions he wants to feel or thinks he should be feeling. The bottom line is that he is questioning his feelings for you and, as a result, he ran away. Rather than talking about his concerns and feelings with you, he decided to take it upon himself to "resolve" the issue by breaking up with you and leaving you without the chance or the ability to address whatever problems he may have. Knowledge is power and the least he could have done was give you a little forewarning.
If he comes back to you because he does wind up regretting having broken up with you, then you need to be very careful with your decision as to whether or not you should date him again. Don't just accept him back with open arms, because you have no way of gauging his sincerity. Make him earn your affection. Give him a chance to fight for you and prove that he is serious about being with you and having you trust him again. It will be good for both of you; he will have to prove to you and himself that he really wants to put forth the effort to date you and you will get to see how serious he is through his actions.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, taking chances, saying goodbye
Gross Generalizations Just Don’t Fit
Can you please help me decode my ex's behaviour? We were together for a couple of months about four years ago. I dumped him because I wasn't in a good place emotionally. Basically, I hurt him a lot. He was head over heels in love with me and treated me like a queen. Throughout all that time I have had relationships with other people but he has always been stuck there in my mind. I tried to make contact multiple times but he was quite hostile toward me. I get the feeling that was because he was still hurt that I hurt him or that he was just kind of bitter about it.
Anyway, we are in touch again through sheer accident (it's a long story). He was extremely flirtatious and sexual toward me and I went along with it because I have feelings for him and, to be quite honest I'm single, I'm free to do what I like and I saw no harm in it since I'm not really looking to get too serious with anyone right now. I got out of something long term a few months back and I am enjoying my free, single life. So I asked him how he felt about this and he said there was someone else he was "hoping to have something with" but that he "didn't know if anything would happen" and that he "sensed the situation with her wasn't good." But he's still apparently hoping as far as I'm aware.
He knows how I feel about him - I love him. However, he has spent the last few days emailing me until the early hours of the morning. Each time we've gone from just talking to getting hot/heavy. I offered to meet up and just have some no-strings fun but he refused! He said he thought he would get attached and wasn't into that kind of thing. It just doesn't make sense. Why would he, as a man, reject no-strings sex when he clearly wants it from me? I mean, I figure he wants it, because why would he become flirtatious/sexual with me otherwise? Nobody does that with someone they don't want to get hot/heavy with and he has told me himself he'd love to do it but just doesn't feel he could.
I also think it's strange he wants something with this other girl and yet he's emailing me all day long. He's not the two-timing/multiple girls all at once type at all and when we were together he was extremely faithful. Help me out here?
anonymous | age 24 | March 7, 2010
Daniel says...
I think you answered your own question here. When you dated this guy you knew him as someone who was extremely faithful, not the "multiple girl" type at all. It's a very logical leap to assume that someone who has a strong sense of faithfulness to his girlfriend would not like the idea of no-strings attached sex because it doesn't involve any manner of faithfulness and can be seen to betray your sense of devotion - whether that devotion is to some moral compass or just to whatever girl you may end up dating long-term. This is a particularly realistic assessment because he admitted as much!!!
When the two of you were emailing one another, this was little more than heavy flirting. It may have been something you wouldn't want anyone else reading, but when you're separated by two computers and who-knows-how-man-miles of wire, it's difficult for it to really get past flirting. You weren't even talking on the phone so you could hear each other's voices. This guy obviously likes you - at least enough to say some fairly racy things to you. He may even be interested in a relationship with you. But at the end of the day, you told him very specifically that if the two of you got together it would be no-strings-attached. You indicated you were not interested in a relationship, both in so many words and by telling him you were only interested in a no-strings-attached rendezvous.
I'd also point out that just because a guy flirts with a girl doesn't mean he necessarily wants to have sex with her. Flirting is ultimately an ego-stroking activity. It's intended to make both people feel more desirable and it's not unheard of for guys or girls to simply use it to boost their self-confidence a little. But really, it doesn't seem to matter all that much whether or not this guy likes you. You don't want a relationship, he doesn't want no-strings-attached sex, and those two viewpoints are mutually exclusive when you two are referring to one another. Should you decide you are interested in a relationship with him, then you can date him and try to develop something more. But thus far, he has unequivocally indicated he is not interested in no-strings-attached.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, flirting, dating, gauging interest, no strings attached sex
Just The Friend
I'm going to cut to the chase. Here is my problem: I am ALWAYS just the friend. Don't get me wrong, I love having guy friends but I feel like I am always just the friend. I am an attractive, smart, interesting person with a lot to offer that is more than just friendship. Most of my best friends are guys and they flirt with me and tell me I deserve the best. Some of them even get slightly jealous when I date people - so why am I still the friend?
There have been occasions in which I like one of my guy friends as more than a friend and put out the interested vibe by flirting more and showing more interest but still they never make the move or give me the vibe that they want to be more than friends. So many guys have said to me, "I would be all over you if we weren't such good friends," and things of that nature and it is frustrating that I'm always getting put into the friend category. I have read things about the Ladder Theory or whatever where girls who guys would not consider dating or anything of that nature are "friends" at the bottom of the ladder, but I don't feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder at all. Bottom line, how do I stop being JUST the FRIEND and why am I always just the friend?
guitargrl | age 19 | March 6, 2010
Daniel says...
Part of this problem is one of perspective. You're not "getting put into the friend category" as much as you are putting yourself in the friend category. It's a common occurrence among girls who are friends with guys that they are often frustrated with their lack of relationship prospects. Unless the girl is the group bicycle (everyone gets a ride), she doesn't get physically close to anyone. And even in that case, she may be getting physically close but she's the furthest thing from emotionally close and she isn't actually developing relationships as much as recurring sex partners. What I'm trying to say is that guys have a hard time starting a relationship with people they're too close to. When you set yourself up as "one of the guys," you really do just became one of the guys.When guys hang around other guys, they're in "friend" mode. They make crass jokes, scratch themselves, watch Die Hard movies, drink beer (if they're old enough) and do other things that guys do. They're in full-on guy mode. When you are hanging out with them in that situation, they aren't thinking of potential relationships; they're thinking of having fun with other guys. As a result, guys stop viewing you as potential relationship material and see you as just a friend. Eventually, some guy will see you as a potential romantic partner, but who knows how long it will take. In order to correct that and speed the process along, you need to not hang out with guys quite as much. You certainly can still hang out with them, but make some female friends and hang out with them, too. Don't be ever-present in their lives and just be around on occasion. Absence will make some guy's heart grow fonder (hopefully the right one).
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, just the friend
A Date to the Dance
I need help. Sometimes boys can be just so confusing.
He's my best friend - has been for a while now. We get along so well and are great together. There's never an awkward moment between us and we can tell each other anything. All my other friends think the relationship between us is...weird. Everyone says we flirt a lot and most people think we have dated or are dating. I don't really notice the flirting or closeness between us because it's just natural. We don't do it purposely or anything.
A few months back I kind of had a mini crush on him, and I told him so. But then that ended when I met my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now). A week ago he told me that when I liked him he also sort of liked me, but didn't tell me because he didn't want to give me hope, and I understand what he means and am kind of glad he didn't tell me.
Lately we've been really, really close, mentally and physically. And he pointed that out and asked me if it was alright (he's sweet like that). Of course I said it was alright because I like being close to him. A little while after I said that he asked if I wanted to go to grad with him. I wondered if he was asking me as a friend or something more so I asked him that. And he said, "well, what do you want to go as?" And somehow we got off topic and I didn't end up answering the question. But I told him I'd go with him.
I am really confused. Does he want us to be more then friends? I think I am starting to fall for him again. But he knows how I feel about him and that I would date him, so ugghh. I don't exactly know what to do. I cannot risk our friendship, I love him a lot and I want him in my life forever, whether it's as a friend or something more. Help me please.
Anonymous | age 13 | March 6, 2010
Daniel says...
You don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to, and based on your behavior with this guy, he fully expected you to say that you wanted to go with him to the dance as an actual date. At the very least, he expected you to hedge because you were uncomfortable admitting your feelings for him (which is basically the path you followed). The two of you obviously trust one another very much and that trust is important because it makes it very unlikely that he would play games with you or put you in a position where you could be embarrassed or rejected. When two people have the history and the type of relationship the two of you do, they simply don't do things that could hurt one another.
What your friend was going was trying to have a relationship with you in kind of a roundabout way that didn't require him to go way out on a limb. Asking a girl to a dance is a common way to break the relationship ice without having too much pressure. Dances provide something to do that is quasi-romantic, yet you're still with all your friends. So the two of you are definitely going to the dance. It sounds like the two of you hang out relatively often, so next time you're hanging out with one another, I would casually bring up the subject. You could simply say, "I never gave you an answer when you asked what I wanted to go to the dance as." He'll inevitably respond with something that encourages you to go on and you can tell him exactly how you feel. He's looking for an opportunity to get closer to you - an invitation of sorts. If you like him, then go ahead and give it to him!
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, dating, converting a friendship, dances