Sex Ed 101

Relationships, Sex, and Moms

Hey, I love the site especially this section.  I mean that you girls have helped me so much, so now here I am again with another situation.

Me and my mother have a little bit more that your average relationship, meaning we are able to talk about everything from grades to boys to sex.  Now there is this guy that I have been in a long distance relationship with for two years now (he has already had sex but I haven't) and he comes to visit me but my parents won't let me go visit him. Now he is like how he wants to come down here again. (He was also here this past August), so I asked my mother if he could come down here and she was like no because if you two get some alone time I know what's going to happen. So basically she doesn't believe me when I say that we won't have sex, and she keeps saying she likes him and everything but she doesnt believe that he is the one for me.

I don't know if this helps but I am 18 and he is 20 and I have known him since he was 18. I believe that I am ready for sex but I also have doubts because he has already had sex and I know that with some people once they start they can't stop. He also told me a few months ago that if I wanted to wait until we get married, he doesn't think that he could wait. 

My mother also wants me to see other people that are in my area even though she likes him. I am just stuck because I want to have sex but then I also don't want my mother to be disappointed in me, and also I sometimes have doubts about him. I must apologize for this being so long this was the best way for me to put this.

PandaBree | age 18 | September 28, 2009

Brittany says...

I, too, have an awesome relationship with my mom, similar to what you have.  Even though she trusted me fully, and understood that I was going to have sex when I was ready, she wasn't ready for other aspects of my relationships.  For instance, I couldn't have boys in my room and she wasn't too keen on me being over at my boyfriend's house late into the night when she knew we'd have ample amount of alone time. 

As far as getting her to let you visit him, that might be tough.  I know a lot of parents that kind of pull a double standard (he can visit, but you can't) and that's because they want to be able to be in more control of the situation.  Your mom isn't stupid, she was young once, and whatever you say you could be doing when you're visiting him could be the exact oppoiste.  But what I'm confused about is that your boyfriend has come to visit you before, but now all of a sudden your mom won't let him?  Why would you have more alone time now, as opposed to not having it before, when she did let him stay?  If you really want him to come visit you, you'll have to compromise with your mom.  Suggest some things you think could work, and then have her suggest some things if she doesn't like the ideas that you have.  Hopefully, you two and come to a solution together.  

Aside from that, your mom is probably a little concerned at the length of time you two have been dating and the fact that it's long distance.  If you're getting more serious, she might be thinking about how young you are and how little you've experienced.  It can be tough to know "this is the one I want to be with" if you haven't experienced dating anybody else.  Outside of high school, the dating life is completely different and you might realize that there is something better out there for you.  I'm not suggesting leaving your boyfriend and dating somebody else to see what it's like, I'm just trying to show you how your mom might see it.  Try talking to her and asking her for reasons she wants you to date other people in the area, but I'm betting it's these same reasons, even though she does like your current boyfriend.

One thing I read and was a little concerned about though is the fact that he claims he cannot wait if you wish to wait until marriage to have sex.  Any boy that is worth your time is going to want to wait because he's not going to want to pressure you to do something you aren't ready for and he's not going to want to lose you over something as petty as sex.  A respectful man is what you want to spend your life with, not somebody who cannot wait for you.  Really, what kind of man is that?  He's just a boy.  Aside from that, you already said yourself that sometimes you have your doubts about him and are unsure about having sex with him... don't do something because he wants you to, do it because you want to.  While having sex won't make you go crazy for it and be unable to stop (I'm sure it could be that way for some people, but the rare few are known as "sex addicts"), having sex won't make you feel any better about your relationship with him.  And the guilt or disappointment that you fear your mom might have could completely ruin what would otherwise be a great experience for you and the person you choose to have sex with for the first time.  

I think you might need to take a step back and look at all your relationships in your life, with your boyfriend, your mom, and last (but sure not least), yourself.  You need to do what is best for you, and you alone.

Tags: sex, relationships, long distance relationships, parents, boyfriends, waiting until marriage, moms

Published on September 28, 2009 by Brittany | Read all recent Sex Ed 101 articles.