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Relationship Relapse
About six months ago, I ended a relationship with someone I loved very deeply. The split hurt us both very much, and because of that fact we didn't speak until about three months ago. When we started talking & hanging out again, things were fine. We got along and it was really nice to talk to someone who knew me (without the complications of being with him). I did, however, notice a strong attraction lingering between us. I knew I didn't want to go on that roller coaster again, so I never gave it a second thought. Until, one night we were having some drinks & ended up sleeping together. I felt so embarrassed, because I honestly don't remember what happened and it is the only time I've ever blacked out. The next day we discussed it and agreed that we wanted to stay friends.
But of course, nothing ever really works out that way. Our conversations were not as deep and he seemed more awkward. I felt bad for ruining our new-found friendship, so I gave him some space. After a while, he just stopped talking to me at all. When I asked him if there was a problem, he insisted that nothing was wrong, that he had just been busy lately & he was sorry he couldn't stay in touch. I foolishly believed him. This Sunday is the two-year mark of my little sister's death (who was also a very best friend of mine), a sad day for all who loved her, but nonetheless I wanted to enjoy it with people I cared about. I asked him if he would like to meet for coffee & talk, since we were so close when it happened & I felt comfortable talking to him about it. He said, maybe and that he would get back to me later.
Today I came to find out he is seeing someone new and he doesn't think she would like us hanging out, but he still wants to be my friend. Am I right to assume that this is really just the end of our friendship? We have put each other through so much, and although I don't want to lose him as a friend, I feel it would be inappropriate to be the ex that still hangs around. I think he would be happier if I just left. He didn't say anything to me after that. This feels like my only choice, & I'm not sure what to think. I wonder what he thinks of it, trying to have her and still be my friend, too. But only in secret? I wonder if he'll miss me. I am so heartbroken over the whole thing. How do I set myself free? I wish I could just erase him.
Daniel says...
You are accurate in your assessment that you are careening toward the end of your friendship with this guy. He has opted to move on and, while it has taken him a long time to get to this point, his decision cannot be considered unexpected or surprising. You broke up with him, so it is entirely expected that his feelings for you would linger for quite a while. You made the decision to move on, which means you actually started moving on long before you actually ended things. So in effect you had a considerable headstart on him. It is entirely likely that your alcohol-fueled roll in the hay set him back fairly significantly and gave him hope that the two of you might work things out. I'm guessing your morning "conversation" was fairly one-sided and he may have done little more than nod in agreement. He was scared of upsetting you and heartbroken to realize that you had made what you viewed as a mistake.
As a result of this conversation, your ex-boyfriend decided to just give up - he would rather move on completely and find someone else than risk having his heart broken yet again. Part of him will always miss you. As your relationship fades into the rearview mirror, he'll remember the good times, forget the bad times, and look back on your relationship with a smile. Relationships just have a way of doing that to someone. As for how you move on, you need to give yourself a chance to move on by joining a new club, finding a part-time job, or doing something that will get you out and about. You are heartbroken right now because you don't have anything else going on to keep your mind busy. So get yourself busy thinking about something else and you'll slowly start the process of moving on.
Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, moving on, one night stands, mistakes
Published on January 31, 2010 by Daniel | Read all recent Ask A Guy articles.