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Maybe Not Quite The “Best”

I'm going through a really bad break up. I say 'bad' because this is the first guy I truly loved, the first guy I felt a deep connection with. I'm just hoping you can tell me what's going through his mind and maybe knock some sense into me.

We were long-distance for most of our relationship because we go to colleges in different parts of the country. We met the night before he went back to school on the west coast (I go to school near our hometown). He had ended things with his last girlfriend (who was also from our hometown and therefore long distance) a few days before he met me. As soon as we met, we hit it off great and we would spend hours talking on the phone, saying sweet things to each other, pretty much acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. Spring break rolled around and he came up to my university to see me and we had a blast.

Anyway, it's been summer for about a month now and he's back in our hometown while I'm taking summer classes at school, which is about an hour away. I had previously noticed changes in his behavior the first few weeks of summer - he didn't say sweet things to me anymore, didn't tell me he missed me, just a general change I guess. Last night he broke up with me over the phone, saying that he didn't think he could do another long distance relationship. He said he was working too much to be able to come and see me as often as he'd like, and since I was taking classes I wouldn't be able to go down and see him either. He said he couldn't handle not being there and that he couldn't put as much into our relationship as he knows I do. He said that he can't take not being there with me when I'm happy, stressing, etc. and it's hard for him to not be able to comfort me in person.

The part that confuses me, though, is that he also said he was an idiot for breaking up with me and that I was the best girlfriend he ever had. This is the part I can't comprehend - if he's such an "idiot" then why is he doing this? Why can't he put forth the effort? I told him that I thought our relationship was worth the extra effort and that I know that we couldn't see each other very often but that it was worth it to me to keep trying. The other thing is that in two and a half months I'm going to Australia for four months because I got a research grant. I don't know if that was a factor in this as well.

Is he lying to me? Is it really the distance (which is only an hour) or did he just completely lose interest in me? I'm devastated because I honestly thought I was going to marry this boy, that's how deep our connection was (or so he told me, and so I foolishly thought). Advice?

Krista | age 20 | United States | September 14, 2009

Daniel says...

It sounds like you are dealing with a confluence of causes, the most significant of which is the fact that your (now ex-) boyfriend jumped straight from his previous relationship into his relationship with you. There was no time to be single - which is perhaps the most important time in the relationship cycle.

Another likely contributor is actually your sudden proximity. It seems counterintuitive, but it actually makes sense. Thus far, your entire relationship has been long-distance and he hasn't had to think about spending time with you or worry about how to behave around you. He was probably initially very excited to return home to you and be able to see you much more often. But after a few weeks, he started to realize that the spark when he was close to you wasn't quite the same.

Finally, there's the Australia issue. That's probably the least important issue, but it certainly affects what's going on in his mind. All these issues together contributed to a general lack of interest on your ex-boyfriend's part. Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do. No matter what you try to change your boyfriend's mind, it will wreak of desperation - perhaps one of the least attractive qualities in a girl. At this point, the best thing to do is to accept that your boyfriend has lost interest and begin the process of moving on.

This article was originally posted by Daniel in June 2009.

Tags: ask a guy, advice, relationships, gauging interest, long distance

Published on September 14, 2009 by Daniel | Read all recent Ask A Guy articles.