*laffs* Archive
A place to share funny jokes that you have heard, read or stole from other websites.
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There Was This Tree
A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My Goodness!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Why, yes, officer, I’m just fine” the lady chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the lady began. “I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, ma’am," the officer said, cutting her off, there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror
“My Goodness!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Why, yes, officer, I’m just fine” the lady chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the lady began. “I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, ma’am," the officer said, cutting her off, there isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror
Git Your Ma!
A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time. They stayed in a high rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The father and son stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was.
After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the boy looked up at his dad, “Pa, what do you reckon that there thing is?” he asked.
“I don’t rightly know, son.” the father replied.
Just then an old, frumpy woman with curlers in her hair walks up, steps on the elevator and the doors shut behind her.
After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a beautiful, young blonde wearing a mini-skirt walks out.
The father leans over to his son and says, “Boy, go and git your Ma!”
After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the boy looked up at his dad, “Pa, what do you reckon that there thing is?” he asked.
“I don’t rightly know, son.” the father replied.
Just then an old, frumpy woman with curlers in her hair walks up, steps on the elevator and the doors shut behind her.
After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a beautiful, young blonde wearing a mini-skirt walks out.
The father leans over to his son and says, “Boy, go and git your Ma!”
Which Service?
One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Johnny.”
“Good morning pastor Ron,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service?
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Johnny.”
“Good morning pastor Ron,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service?
Anyone Have a Match?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell.
He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”
They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.”
They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
The first guy asks for a big stack of books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell.
He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”
They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.”
They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”