*laffs* Archive
A place to share funny jokes that you have heard, read or stole from other websites.
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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
One Smart Dog
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
"Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
Vots of Diamonds
Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the Jewelry Store. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"Vhat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.
"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "It's my Lena's birthday tomorrow. And vhen I asked her this morning vhat she vanted for her birthday", Lena said, “Oh, I dun know, dear, yust give me something with vots of diamonds."
"So vhat did you get her?" Ole asks.
Sven smirks and says, "I bought her a deck of cards."
"Vhat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.
"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "It's my Lena's birthday tomorrow. And vhen I asked her this morning vhat she vanted for her birthday", Lena said, “Oh, I dun know, dear, yust give me something with vots of diamonds."
"So vhat did you get her?" Ole asks.
Sven smirks and says, "I bought her a deck of cards."
100 Camels for 1 Woman
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
Sarahh's comment: Hey everyone...I'm back! First I'd like to thank everyone who temped for me. I'm pretty much all together again. So for Friday why don't you submit all of your funny bumper stickers!