*laffs* Archive
A place to share funny jokes that you have heard, read or stole from other websites.
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What Do You Think About That?
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Are You In There?
Q. Why was Pigglet looking in the toilet?
A. He was looking for Pooh!
A. He was looking for Pooh!
Talking Dog
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'' He asks.
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your butt,'' The bartender replies.
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the heck are you trying to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the crap out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar. Then he throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez, maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'' He asks.
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your butt,'' The bartender replies.
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the heck are you trying to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the crap out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar. Then he throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez, maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Oh, No, I Can't Do That!
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood."
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood."
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."