*laffs* Archive
A place to share funny jokes that you have heard, read or stole from other websites.
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Obviously!
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' Asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' Asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Chuck Noris!
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- When the boogieman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
- If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space, you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
- When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake, he doesn't get wet - the water gets Chuck Norris!
- When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
- Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
- Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and kill.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero!
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
We'll See About That
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
One Way To Heal Chapped Lips...
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
The cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
The cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."