Ask a Guy Archive
The Ask a Guy columnist is here to provide a guy's opinion on any questions needing a male perspective. Whether you want to know how to ask a guy to a dance, ask a guy out, or just need some masculine insight to your current relationship, this is the place for you to decipher the male psyche!
A Jerk Or A Flake?
Okay, here's my problem.
I've been with my boyfriend for about a month. He respects my morals and it's great. However, he recently had problems with drug addiction. He got kicked out of his house, and for some reason didn't want my help or support at all. He said he wanted to handle it on his own, and he didn't know if he could handle a relationship on top of everything else. So we broke up. It took five days, and the whole time he would text me everyday and ask we when we would see each other and say how much he missed me. Today he and said it was a huge mistake to break up.
Now, normally I wouldn't be too suspicious of this. But he has a tendency to have a lot of excuses and always flake out on me on dates. A lot of my friends think he's just pulling me along. Do you think he is? And if you don't, could you try to explain his reasoning? Thanks.
I've been with my boyfriend for about a month. He respects my morals and it's great. However, he recently had problems with drug addiction. He got kicked out of his house, and for some reason didn't want my help or support at all. He said he wanted to handle it on his own, and he didn't know if he could handle a relationship on top of everything else. So we broke up. It took five days, and the whole time he would text me everyday and ask we when we would see each other and say how much he missed me. Today he and said it was a huge mistake to break up.
Now, normally I wouldn't be too suspicious of this. But he has a tendency to have a lot of excuses and always flake out on me on dates. A lot of my friends think he's just pulling me along. Do you think he is? And if you don't, could you try to explain his reasoning? Thanks.
Daniel says: It sounds like this guy is just stringing you along. His drug problems and the issues with his home life indicate a lack of control over his life. This translates to an inability to make important decisions and a general lack of self-control. It sounds like he is only lukewarm toward your relationship and he is certainly wildly unpredictable with his personal life. It really sounds like he is a typical drug addict, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he has had addiction problems. He's selfish and can't seem to consider anyone's needs but his own.
One thing you need to think about is whether this guy represents what you want in a relationship. He has had addiction problems, he has demonstrated that you can't depend on him, and he seems to lack any direction in his life. If he's your age, this isn't a huge problem - many people that age have a difficult time knowing where they are going and what they want to do with the life. But his penchant for drugs and his getting kicked out of his house indicate a guy who generally lacks stability. Doesn't sound very desirable to me.
One thing you need to think about is whether this guy represents what you want in a relationship. He has had addiction problems, he has demonstrated that you can't depend on him, and he seems to lack any direction in his life. If he's your age, this isn't a huge problem - many people that age have a difficult time knowing where they are going and what they want to do with the life. But his penchant for drugs and his getting kicked out of his house indicate a guy who generally lacks stability. Doesn't sound very desirable to me.
Extra Friendly For A Reason
So, I like this guy that's about about nine months younger than me. I'm 16, so he's 15. I don't mind the age difference at all because I think he's really cute and he isn't as immature as anyone else in his class. We can talk about anything and everything when we're hanging out.
He's in a few of my classes, so we see each other either four or all five days of the school week and we do some of the same after-school activities so I see him after school a lot. We talk about music a lot and whatever goes on in each other's lives. He can tell whenever something's bothering me and leaves his friends to talk to me about it. And he always comes to me whenever he has a family problem or it's something personal and he needs to talk about it.
We spend our free time in school together, but we do give each other time to hang out with our other friends. He's not the kind of person to let the girl always start the conversation; whenever we email each other or see each other in the hall, we go back and forth about who starts the conversation. We email each other back and forth a lot during the school day. Whenever I walk by him in the hall, whenever he's talking to one of his friends, I poke him in the side or tap him on the shoulder to let him know I'm there. Then he does it back to me when I'm talking to some of my friends.
So, it's time for the age-old question: do you think he likes me back?
He's in a few of my classes, so we see each other either four or all five days of the school week and we do some of the same after-school activities so I see him after school a lot. We talk about music a lot and whatever goes on in each other's lives. He can tell whenever something's bothering me and leaves his friends to talk to me about it. And he always comes to me whenever he has a family problem or it's something personal and he needs to talk about it.
We spend our free time in school together, but we do give each other time to hang out with our other friends. He's not the kind of person to let the girl always start the conversation; whenever we email each other or see each other in the hall, we go back and forth about who starts the conversation. We email each other back and forth a lot during the school day. Whenever I walk by him in the hall, whenever he's talking to one of his friends, I poke him in the side or tap him on the shoulder to let him know I'm there. Then he does it back to me when I'm talking to some of my friends.
So, it's time for the age-old question: do you think he likes me back?
Daniel says: I'm not really sure what you mean about not agreeing who starts the conversation, but his behavior certainly seems to be an indication that he likes you. Whether those feelings are strong enough to merit exploring a relationship is unknown, but I'd say there are no indications that he doesn't want to date you. Keep doing what you're doing - poking him and being cute with him. Even start slowly pushing things toward a relationship by inviting him to hang out in slightly more intimate settings. If he remains "casual" toward you and doesn't really approach you that much, then he probably isn't as interested in you, but being the older person, you should definitely make the first defined move.
A Confusing and Sudden End
My ex and I went through a pretty messy break up. We spent the whole summer fighting and fighting and fighting some more. Things were finally starting to iron out around mid-September when, out of the blue, he stopped talking to me. We live an hour apart, so it's not like I can just go over to his house and see what's wrong. It's been three weeks now and he won't text me back, call me back, or email me back. I emailed his Mom about it and she was very vague. I thought I'd give him about a week to himself to maybe cool him off for whatever I did wrong (I still don't why I'm getting the cold shoulder!). After a while, I called his house and his mom was pretty icy toward me, which surprised me because we used to be very close, and made up a lame excuse about why he couldn't talk. Now I'm just hurt and confused and would really like to talk to him. Any advice? Thanks.
Daniel says: I'm certainly no tarot card reader, but it sounds like your boyfriend had a melt down of sorts, decided your relationship was over, and didn't have the guts to tell you about it. It may even be that he couldn't give his mom a decent explanation of what was going on, so he made up some lie about what was going on. It could also be that his mom watched what the two of you went through over the summer and encouraged the end of the relationship. Whatever the situation is, it's clear that you are not very highly regarded by either your boyfriend or his mom. What the reason may be is completely unknown.
The bottom line here is that if this guy isn't willing to talk to you, then you should give him a taste of his own medicine and move on. Yes, it will be painful, but he certainly hasn't handled himself very maturely. Your relationship so far has been fraught with trouble and it's been a very bumpy road. Maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones and simply say goodbye.
The bottom line here is that if this guy isn't willing to talk to you, then you should give him a taste of his own medicine and move on. Yes, it will be painful, but he certainly hasn't handled himself very maturely. Your relationship so far has been fraught with trouble and it's been a very bumpy road. Maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones and simply say goodbye.
A Painless Breakup?
I am in a relationship with a girl. I don't even know how it really happened. I was at the library and saw this girl with her kid. I had just returned from overseas (Iraq) and was so impressed I asked if I could see the kid she said yes. I held it for about a minute. Well, then as I was walking away, the girl asked for my number if I ever wanted to come play with her kid because she was a single mom. I gave her my number. She called me a few days later and I went over and played with the kid. Had a good time playing with the kid. Then the second time I came over she made a move on me and I had sex with her. It was good sex, since then I've had a good relationship with her, but I'm thinking I just have been staying with her because the sex was good, and I feel bad that she is a single mother. Other than that I don't have any real attachment to her. In fact I have cheated on her (had sex with other girls) four times already in the two months we have been going out. She doesn't know and is deeply attached. How do I breakup with this girl without hurting her?
Daniel says: There is no such thing as a painless break-up. As a clearly experienced adult, this woman knew what she was opening herself up to when initiating a relationship in which sex is the primary connection.
More importantly, the two of you have placed her child in a very sad position. Children form bonds very quickly and I wouldn't be surprised if her child developed a subconscious "Matt is my new daddy" attitude in the past two months. There's really nothing you can do--any attempts to soften the blow will only further establish the bond between you and the kid. Make a clean break and let the mother and child grieve without your intervention.
And please, please, please if you date another single mom, keep the kids out of the mix until you're confident you're in it for the long-haul.
More importantly, the two of you have placed her child in a very sad position. Children form bonds very quickly and I wouldn't be surprised if her child developed a subconscious "Matt is my new daddy" attitude in the past two months. There's really nothing you can do--any attempts to soften the blow will only further establish the bond between you and the kid. Make a clean break and let the mother and child grieve without your intervention.
And please, please, please if you date another single mom, keep the kids out of the mix until you're confident you're in it for the long-haul.
Born, raised, and educated in Iowa, Daniel (age 26) now works in Minneapolis as an electrical engineer. Four years of college, three years in the workforce, twelve months in California, eight months of being engaged to the wrong person, and a recent marriage to the right person have taught Daniel a lot about life, love, and the US highway system.