Ask a Guy Archive
The Ask a Guy columnist is here to provide a guy's opinion on any questions needing a male perspective. Whether you want to know how to ask a guy to a dance, ask a guy out, or just need some masculine insight to your current relationship, this is the place for you to decipher the male psyche!
A Sign of Jealousy
My friend and I are close, so we tell each other everything, even about our crushes. My friend has a crush on a new guy in our class. He's nice and good looking so I can understand why she likes him. But almost everything we talk about now has to do with him. If the topic is about a movie she'll suddenly say something along the lines of, "I wonder if he likes that movie." I'm really getting annoyed of her constantly talking about him. And a couple of times she blew me off to go and talk to him. She's making her crush on him so obvious but he can't seem to figure it out; I just want to laugh at her. I've talked to her about this but she claims I'm just jealous. What should I do?
Daniel says: You've tried talking to her about it and that clearly didn't work. Your next attempt should be more subtle. If she talks about whether or not "he" would like something, then change the subject. Ask her about her last class or what she thought of her last homework assignment in English. It sounds like the best way to address this might not be by facing it head-on.
Keep in mind, that as her friend, you're kind of compelled to spend at least a little time listening to her drone on about her crushes. Having someone to share your thoughts and feelings with is one of the advantages to a strong friendship. If you were completely silly over a guy, you could rightly expect her to listen to your rants, too. And I'm willing to bet the tables will be turned at some point. So give the girl a bit of a break, but when it gets unbearable, simply change the subject.
Keep in mind, that as her friend, you're kind of compelled to spend at least a little time listening to her drone on about her crushes. Having someone to share your thoughts and feelings with is one of the advantages to a strong friendship. If you were completely silly over a guy, you could rightly expect her to listen to your rants, too. And I'm willing to bet the tables will be turned at some point. So give the girl a bit of a break, but when it gets unbearable, simply change the subject.
More Than Just Flirting
Well there is this guy...he is my friend's older brother.
Every time I go over to her house I would sit in "his chair".. and he would be like "noooo" and would sit with me. He would sometimes touch my lips with his finger and ask if I was wearing lip gloss.He also likes to like hit, very gently my back, head, arm, etc. And he also kept me hostage and he would play with my hair. He would steal my phone and text mean things to my ex. Anyway, today I went over and I sat on the arm of the chair since he was already there and he started to play with my hair (I have blond on the bottom part of my hair and he always says it looks fake. He has also said that I look older cause most older people use fake hair unlike his sister who he said looked like she was 10). He also commented on how my curly hair was good/nice, since I usually wear it straight. Then he kept pulling me into him by tugging on my hair. This resulted in me leaning up against him, but I would go to my original sitting position. Finally, I gave up and just leaned into him and he continued to play with my hair. Then, his other sister was coming up the stairs so he stopped and I went back to my normal sitting position on the arm of the chair.
Could he like me? There is an age difference - he is turning 17 and I'm just 14 - three years. He is a nice guy, though. I've known him for a while, but just recently got feelings for him. Three of my friends think he likes me but what counts the most is that his sister who is usually brutally honest about EVERYTHING and at first said I had no chance with him actually admitted to thinking he might like me because apparently he is only like this with me. What do you think, Daniel?
Every time I go over to her house I would sit in "his chair".. and he would be like "noooo" and would sit with me. He would sometimes touch my lips with his finger and ask if I was wearing lip gloss.He also likes to like hit, very gently my back, head, arm, etc. And he also kept me hostage and he would play with my hair. He would steal my phone and text mean things to my ex. Anyway, today I went over and I sat on the arm of the chair since he was already there and he started to play with my hair (I have blond on the bottom part of my hair and he always says it looks fake. He has also said that I look older cause most older people use fake hair unlike his sister who he said looked like she was 10). He also commented on how my curly hair was good/nice, since I usually wear it straight. Then he kept pulling me into him by tugging on my hair. This resulted in me leaning up against him, but I would go to my original sitting position. Finally, I gave up and just leaned into him and he continued to play with my hair. Then, his other sister was coming up the stairs so he stopped and I went back to my normal sitting position on the arm of the chair.
Could he like me? There is an age difference - he is turning 17 and I'm just 14 - three years. He is a nice guy, though. I've known him for a while, but just recently got feelings for him. Three of my friends think he likes me but what counts the most is that his sister who is usually brutally honest about EVERYTHING and at first said I had no chance with him actually admitted to thinking he might like me because apparently he is only like this with me. What do you think, Daniel?
Daniel says: This guy definitely likes you. His constant pulling your hair was just as you concluded - an attempt to get you to get closer to him. Notice that before you leaned against him, he was not only playing with your hair, but he was pulling your hair. After you leaned against him, he wasn't pulling your hair and simply continued innocently playing with it. Quite simply, he had achieved the result he wanted and was simply trying to show you that he was enjoying himself.
The slight awkwardness when his sister entered the room is an indication that he wasn't sure whether or not it was acceptable for him to be so close to you. It's possible he may be concerned about the age difference. Three years' difference is an issue for some and not for others. Keep doing what you're doing and see if he steps up the flirting or pursues you a little more. But he definitely likes you.
The slight awkwardness when his sister entered the room is an indication that he wasn't sure whether or not it was acceptable for him to be so close to you. It's possible he may be concerned about the age difference. Three years' difference is an issue for some and not for others. Keep doing what you're doing and see if he steps up the flirting or pursues you a little more. But he definitely likes you.
Motorcycles Make Me ANGRY
Hey Daniel, first of all love the page! But I am dealing with a major dilemma right now. It all started when my boyfriend's friends started getting bikes (motorcycles). Ever since, his friends have been telling him to get a bike. He kept saying, "no I don't want one, I like cars better." And all this other stuff to show that he was anti-bike. We had a conversation about it and he told me, "my whole family doesn't want me to get a bike, but I'd still get it. But since you don't want me to, I'll sacrifice for you and won't get one because you mean so much to me." That really meant something to me, I truly believed it and he promised me he wouldn't. But then, he said he wanted to take a permit test for a bike because it's cheaper now and all this stuff. I didn't like it but just ignored it because I didn't want to fight. I remember telling him, "If you ever get a bike, you owe me so bad!" But in a joking way because he knew how I felt.
Well, about two weeks ago he comes to my house and tells me to go outside and I see a bike! I walked away because I WAS SO ANGRY! I just couldn't believe why he would do this to me behind my back. I was just crying so much. I asked him why he did it and he said he wanted to "surprise me". And then he said he thought I would be okay with it because I said if he got one he would owe me. But the thing is, we NEVER HAD A SERIOUS TALK ABOUT IT! He said he didn't want to tell me because he knew I would get mad, so there was no point. But I don't understand why and how he could do this to me. I don't even trust him anymore. Now we argue almost everyday about it and I do not want things to end. We've been together for two-and-a-half years and I don't want to lose him. BUT I DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE A BIKE. I am scared to death of them because I had a friend whose little brother died from a bike accident. He says he'll drive safe, but I don't believe it because I do not trust other drivers. I told him I am not sure if I can be with someone with a bike. So my question for you is, how can I convince him to not have a bike anymore? And what should I do? I'm just so lost and because I honestly don't think I can be with him. I love the guy so much, but this is way too much for me to handle. I will cry everyday knowing that he'll be driving that. PLEASE HELP ME! I am just so stressed out about this.
Well, about two weeks ago he comes to my house and tells me to go outside and I see a bike! I walked away because I WAS SO ANGRY! I just couldn't believe why he would do this to me behind my back. I was just crying so much. I asked him why he did it and he said he wanted to "surprise me". And then he said he thought I would be okay with it because I said if he got one he would owe me. But the thing is, we NEVER HAD A SERIOUS TALK ABOUT IT! He said he didn't want to tell me because he knew I would get mad, so there was no point. But I don't understand why and how he could do this to me. I don't even trust him anymore. Now we argue almost everyday about it and I do not want things to end. We've been together for two-and-a-half years and I don't want to lose him. BUT I DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE A BIKE. I am scared to death of them because I had a friend whose little brother died from a bike accident. He says he'll drive safe, but I don't believe it because I do not trust other drivers. I told him I am not sure if I can be with someone with a bike. So my question for you is, how can I convince him to not have a bike anymore? And what should I do? I'm just so lost and because I honestly don't think I can be with him. I love the guy so much, but this is way too much for me to handle. I will cry everyday knowing that he'll be driving that. PLEASE HELP ME! I am just so stressed out about this.
Daniel says: First, I'd like to point out that there are stupid motorcycle riders and there are smart motorcycle riders. In many cases, the safe drivers are no less safe than safe car drivers, so don't jump straight to the conclusion that all motorcycles are unsafe. What kind of rider is your boyfriend?
While it certainly would have been nice of your boyfriend to at least mention his purchase to you, as it sounds like your relationship is fairly committed, your boyfriend is not in a position where he needs to clear his actions with you. But right now, you are poisoning your relationship with him. By picking fights with him and telling yourself you can't be with him, you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The question you need to answer is what is more important - your love for your boyfriend or exerting control over your boyfriend's material purchases?
Motorcycles aren't unsafe. In fact, proper motorcycle training and awareness makes many motorcyclists better drivers all-around. They are more aware of their surroundings and are better able to anticipate the actions of other drivers - whether they are on their bikes or in their cars. In this case, the issue you should bring up with your boyfriend is not whether or not he should own a motorcycle. The issue you need to discuss is what kind of decisions should be made by the two of you instead of being made unilaterally by one or the other of you. You'll never agree on everything in your relationship, but this is the issue that needs to be resolved in order for the two of you to move forward. Don't over dramatize things by talking about how you're constantly crying over this. The motorcycle purchase simply isn't that big a deal - unless your boyfriend is one of the people who can't be trusted on a bike.
Safety is one thing you can (and should) preach. Regardless of what kind of driver he might be, make him take a motorcycle safety course (if he hasn't already), and make him promise to wear all the appropriate safety gear every time he rides his bike. It doesn't matter how far I'm going on my bike, I always wear full protection. In a lot of ways, this is an indication of whether someone is a conscientious rider.
While it certainly would have been nice of your boyfriend to at least mention his purchase to you, as it sounds like your relationship is fairly committed, your boyfriend is not in a position where he needs to clear his actions with you. But right now, you are poisoning your relationship with him. By picking fights with him and telling yourself you can't be with him, you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The question you need to answer is what is more important - your love for your boyfriend or exerting control over your boyfriend's material purchases?
Motorcycles aren't unsafe. In fact, proper motorcycle training and awareness makes many motorcyclists better drivers all-around. They are more aware of their surroundings and are better able to anticipate the actions of other drivers - whether they are on their bikes or in their cars. In this case, the issue you should bring up with your boyfriend is not whether or not he should own a motorcycle. The issue you need to discuss is what kind of decisions should be made by the two of you instead of being made unilaterally by one or the other of you. You'll never agree on everything in your relationship, but this is the issue that needs to be resolved in order for the two of you to move forward. Don't over dramatize things by talking about how you're constantly crying over this. The motorcycle purchase simply isn't that big a deal - unless your boyfriend is one of the people who can't be trusted on a bike.
Safety is one thing you can (and should) preach. Regardless of what kind of driver he might be, make him take a motorcycle safety course (if he hasn't already), and make him promise to wear all the appropriate safety gear every time he rides his bike. It doesn't matter how far I'm going on my bike, I always wear full protection. In a lot of ways, this is an indication of whether someone is a conscientious rider.
No Word For Four Months - Huh?
I had a boyfriend who, based solely on what he said, was a great guy. As we all know, actions speak louder than words. He always told me I was a great girlfriend and someone he could see himself with in the future. He liked that I was smart, classy, and sexy. I'm not cocky but I admit I'm a good catch. All of a sudden, he just stopped calling me. I haven't heard from him in about four months.
What's up?
p.s he always questioned why I wanted to be with him, but I doubt he was insecure. Please help me!!!!!
What's up?
p.s he always questioned why I wanted to be with him, but I doubt he was insecure. Please help me!!!!!
Daniel says: Your boyfriend found someone higher on his ladder. He couldn't (or didn't want to) handle pursuing two relationships at once and he didn't have the guts to tell you about it. This is a stereotypical "guy who isn't ready for a relationship at all." It's unfortunate you had to find out about it this way, but the silver lining is that you found out before you were deeply invested in the relationship. My suggestion is to forget about him and move on. Given that it's been four months, he probably already has.
Born, raised, and educated in Iowa, Daniel (age 26) now works in Minneapolis as an electrical engineer. Four years of college, three years in the workforce, twelve months in California, eight months of being engaged to the wrong person, and a recent marriage to the right person have taught Daniel a lot about life, love, and the US highway system.