Ask a Guy
Oops...Wrong Name!
But it still really hurts. When we first hooked up, he said, "I've still got some stuff to sort out with my ex but as soon as I do, I'm going to ask you out." Two days later, he asked me out.
I don't know what to do. I'm in love with him and apart from this incident, he's been the absolute perfect boyfriend. When this happened, he had had a couple of beers, I think I should mention that.
Should I just ignore it and carry on? I made it obvious I was hurt and he was really apologetic. I know he doesn't have any feelings for his ex, it's not that I'm worried about. I'm not really sure what I'm worried about.
Am I overreacting?
Daniel's advice: I don't know if "overreacting" is really the proper term. It is perfectly understandable that you would be hurt by your boyfriend calling you by his ex's name. A more accurate description would be that you are "reacting incorrectly." It's perfectly natural to be hurt by what he said and uncertain how to react. But what you need to do now is talk to your boyfriend about what he said. Only he can shed any light on why he said it. Talking about it might also enable you to figure out what it is that upsets you about the situation.
Fortunately, you said yourself that you are confident he doesn't have feelings for his ex. Given that confidence, I have no doubt the two of you can work things out. Just talk to him!
Does This Mean He's Not Interested?
I was quite upset for a brief moment, but what could I expect from a guy I barely knew? I really thought I was going to get a relationship out of this, but all hopes of that flew out the window when he told me about his daughter, more so when he told me she and her mother would be moving here as well. I decided to milk the situation for all its worth and, after a few more minutes of heavy kissing, asked: "wanna get a condom?" He laughed for a bit and said, "I don't have any..." I was surprised. I thought all guys had condoms - if not in their pockets, at least in their own homes. He said it was because he was in the middle of moving into military housing, but I think maybe he just didn't want sex from me. If that's the case, why wouldn't he? He seemed to enjoy making out with me, why not sex? Does it have to do with his daughter's mother? He never referred to her as his girlfriend or what-not - just as "her mother." When I asked what the dynamics of their relationship was, he said it was "on and off." Guys are so confusing... can a girl get a little help?
Daniel's advice: Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. This guy is only 21 and has a young daughter. He seems to be somewhat estranged from the baby's mother and is apparently taking custody of her for reasons unbeknownst to us. Considered jointly, these facts seem to indicate that his daughter was not a "planned" pregnancy. With that much known, you are assuming he is lying with you when he says he doesn't have a condom? And, taking things even further, you jump to the conclusion that he obviously didn't want to have sex with you?
If his daughter is any indication, it seems as though condoms are probably not really the first thing on this guy's mind. And, to answer your question, no, guys don't just keep condoms in their night stand as a matter of course. Some guys, if they are expecting to have the opportunity to have sex, will pick up a box and keep it handy. But if a guy isn't expecting it, then the odds of him keeping them around are fairly slim. It certainly seems realistic that he might not have a box of condoms just "sitting around."
With that said, I have to seriously question the logic of being willing to hop in bed with a guy who only just told you he has a daughter...and he was bringing her to live with him...and he was having his mom move in, too. What else might you not yet know about him? Exercising a little more patience before making the decision to jump in the sack will likely result in a little less confusion over what a guy is really thinking and what he may or may not be hiding from you.
Will This Send The Wrong Message?
Daniel's advice: It sounds like you are asking if cavorting around on stage in front of a bunch of people at a strip club will turn on your date and make him think about sex. Do bears sh*t in the woods?!?! Of course this is going to make your date think about having sex with you. What red-blooded male sees a naked woman and doesn't have something to do with sex cross his mind?
It also seems strange that you would agree to go to a strip club with this guy on your second date. Being at the strip club itself will put sex on his mind and seeing you half-naked (or more) on stage will only make him think about doing it with you. Besides that, parading around naked on stage sends the message that you are looking for sex. It doesn't matter that it's only the second date; that's just the message it sends.
I suggest you skip the strip club and do something a little more tame...like a poetry reading...or a Pride and Prejudice movie marathon. Anything but a strip club!
Do Guys Like A Mom?
What do you think?
Daniel's advice: I have two points to make. First, having a baby may not be such a bad thing after all. As soon as guys find out you have a child, they will either stay or run the other way. If they run the other way, you immediately know whether or not they are truly interested in you or if they were just looking for something casual and easy. It's a guy-filtering device of sorts. To answer your question, yes, there are guys your age out there who don't necessarily mind dating a girl who has a baby. They may be a little harder to find at times, but they do exist.
My second point is that you need to adjust your thinking if you are going to have this baby. You are bringing a life into this world, one that will be totally dependent upon you for everything it needs. While having a child is a beautiful, rewarding experience, it is also a trying experience. In order to ensure you are providing for your child, for the next 18 years, your number one priority needs to be that child. You can date people if you choose to, but your number one priority needs to be your child. Is the person you are dating a good role model? Will they be a good person to have around the child and potentially influence their development? Additionally, if you constantly have men coming into and leaving your life, you will send the message to your child that this behavior is perfectly normal.
Becoming a parent is a fundamental alteration of the way you approach your life. Be sure you are ready for it, because who and how often you choose to date can have a significant impact on your child.
Born, raised, and educated in Iowa, Daniel (age 26) now works in Minneapolis as an electrical engineer. Four years of college, three years in the workforce, twelve months in California, eight months of being engaged to the wrong person, and a recent marriage to the right person have taught Daniel a lot about life, love, and the US highway system.